Post by informationseeker on Oct 20, 2023 13:14:04 GMT
Hi all,
This is the first relationship where I am aware that I (26M) have a lot of fearful avoidant tendencies. I have a fear that if I tell too much or show too much of myself they will leave. In previous relationships this just manifested into me being mostly hot and cold with a well kept distance and it was very comfortable for me because I was in charge. Now this changed in my new relationship. I became very aware of my anxious side of my attachment because I am not the one in control. My avoidant side is completely out of the picture because she is way more avoidant than me. This left me in a state I have never been in, and its hard for me to be consistent. I am constantly fighting the urge to reach out and to distance. It is very confusing for me and for her. for a change I don't need to tell her I need space or do my own things, because I feel like we see eachother way too little.
At the start of the relationship I felt very safe, I didn't find it difficult to show exactly how much I cared and was in love. But that changed when her attachment style activated. I don't know what exactly triggered it, might just be trying to figure out how to implement this new thing into a lifestyle that's very busy already. But I noticed the changed way in communication, the difference in facial expression, the comments about my flaws. Basically the love that disappeared. That for me was a trigger to withhold my love as well. I don't want to seem as the fool that is in a one sided relationship. But I know that is my fearful side talking. I tend to overanalyse things, and I am very sensitive. So in a way I can sometimes look too much into a situation and imagine things. In a way, I am not consistent, so we basically keep triggering eachother. I am giving mixed signals, and so is she. When I retreat, so does she. When I find the courage to talk about what bothers me, she patiently explains it, I understand, it is somewhat relieving. But its waiting for the next time I get growingly more agitated. Its never her that wants something from me. But here is some very important side note: she has grown to disinterest nearly everything in life. Find it difficult to plan things with everyone. Has a history of depression, and did share that she was slipping into it again. So its not just towards me. In a way she does feel safe, because I am one of the few she shared it to. We are both working on our attachment, seperately. I think sharing too much about my needs will scare her, or feel like I'm blaming her. I want to give her space to figure it out. It's just the two things together really enhance eachothers traits. I basically have to accept that this is the situation I need to be comfortable in, at least for a while, till there is more space to work on the relationship. I was fine with being single, so why should it matter if our relationship is more platonic at this moment?
So that leads me to reaching out to people who might understand how I feel. How to balance this chaos in my head. How to be ok with giving more than receiving. Why do I always need another person showing me affection before I feel safe enough to open up. I would absolutely hate if this gets ruined because of our attachment styles, because without them we are so compatible. I do think that everything can work as long as you put in the effort. But I would like to feel calm during it all as well. I look forward to seeing her again, till I actually see her because I focus way too much on non-verbal communication. She always put in effort to reach out, even though its more cold and less frequent than I am used to. She knows its a mental thing, and she is working on it. Obviously she is still with me, so she does find it worth it.
With friends and family I often feel like I need comfort in the way of physical touch or assurance. But I find it near impossible to let them know, and since I have an aura that is hard to approach and seems like I am not in need of touching and I barely do it myself, they don't. So there is a pattern there as well.
I am just looking for tips to heal and focus on myself. Mostly help me with my low self esteem. So I am able to provide a much less chaotic environment for her to feel safe in. I have tried to communicate, but because I am the only one saying things i find difficult, it feels growingly like I am extremely needy. I communicate pretty alright, calmly and I use statements based on what I feel, what I would like, and leave judgement out of it. But even then sometimes there is still a sentence that i didn't say very well and gets misunderstood. I just don't really know how to maintain a relationship in this situation, where I should trust that she will like me still even if there is not a lot of 'fun' stuff happening. I feel like I am not given enough time and oppertunities to show how likeable I am, and give her a chance to fall more in love with me. But that is hardly my fault.
This is the first relationship where I am aware that I (26M) have a lot of fearful avoidant tendencies. I have a fear that if I tell too much or show too much of myself they will leave. In previous relationships this just manifested into me being mostly hot and cold with a well kept distance and it was very comfortable for me because I was in charge. Now this changed in my new relationship. I became very aware of my anxious side of my attachment because I am not the one in control. My avoidant side is completely out of the picture because she is way more avoidant than me. This left me in a state I have never been in, and its hard for me to be consistent. I am constantly fighting the urge to reach out and to distance. It is very confusing for me and for her. for a change I don't need to tell her I need space or do my own things, because I feel like we see eachother way too little.
At the start of the relationship I felt very safe, I didn't find it difficult to show exactly how much I cared and was in love. But that changed when her attachment style activated. I don't know what exactly triggered it, might just be trying to figure out how to implement this new thing into a lifestyle that's very busy already. But I noticed the changed way in communication, the difference in facial expression, the comments about my flaws. Basically the love that disappeared. That for me was a trigger to withhold my love as well. I don't want to seem as the fool that is in a one sided relationship. But I know that is my fearful side talking. I tend to overanalyse things, and I am very sensitive. So in a way I can sometimes look too much into a situation and imagine things. In a way, I am not consistent, so we basically keep triggering eachother. I am giving mixed signals, and so is she. When I retreat, so does she. When I find the courage to talk about what bothers me, she patiently explains it, I understand, it is somewhat relieving. But its waiting for the next time I get growingly more agitated. Its never her that wants something from me. But here is some very important side note: she has grown to disinterest nearly everything in life. Find it difficult to plan things with everyone. Has a history of depression, and did share that she was slipping into it again. So its not just towards me. In a way she does feel safe, because I am one of the few she shared it to. We are both working on our attachment, seperately. I think sharing too much about my needs will scare her, or feel like I'm blaming her. I want to give her space to figure it out. It's just the two things together really enhance eachothers traits. I basically have to accept that this is the situation I need to be comfortable in, at least for a while, till there is more space to work on the relationship. I was fine with being single, so why should it matter if our relationship is more platonic at this moment?
So that leads me to reaching out to people who might understand how I feel. How to balance this chaos in my head. How to be ok with giving more than receiving. Why do I always need another person showing me affection before I feel safe enough to open up. I would absolutely hate if this gets ruined because of our attachment styles, because without them we are so compatible. I do think that everything can work as long as you put in the effort. But I would like to feel calm during it all as well. I look forward to seeing her again, till I actually see her because I focus way too much on non-verbal communication. She always put in effort to reach out, even though its more cold and less frequent than I am used to. She knows its a mental thing, and she is working on it. Obviously she is still with me, so she does find it worth it.
With friends and family I often feel like I need comfort in the way of physical touch or assurance. But I find it near impossible to let them know, and since I have an aura that is hard to approach and seems like I am not in need of touching and I barely do it myself, they don't. So there is a pattern there as well.
I am just looking for tips to heal and focus on myself. Mostly help me with my low self esteem. So I am able to provide a much less chaotic environment for her to feel safe in. I have tried to communicate, but because I am the only one saying things i find difficult, it feels growingly like I am extremely needy. I communicate pretty alright, calmly and I use statements based on what I feel, what I would like, and leave judgement out of it. But even then sometimes there is still a sentence that i didn't say very well and gets misunderstood. I just don't really know how to maintain a relationship in this situation, where I should trust that she will like me still even if there is not a lot of 'fun' stuff happening. I feel like I am not given enough time and oppertunities to show how likeable I am, and give her a chance to fall more in love with me. But that is hardly my fault.