Post by sassiec on Oct 25, 2023 13:19:22 GMT
Hi Everyone,
My (what I consider to be ex) FA had a mini breakdown 7 weeks ago - a combination of her alcoholic abusive ex rearing his head and casuing problems for her adult children, which over the past 6 months I saw bring her past (they broke 10 years ago) very much into her present and cause her trauma, and her kids which both affected her badly. A the same time as all this her narcissistic Mother caused issues when her Dad was diagnosed with a serious medical condition (both these people are, I believe, the root cause of her FA attachment issues). All in all she became more and more traumatised, and as this happened she did the standard FA thing and start to pull away from me until she finally broke, said she wanted to "pause the realtionship" (without any explanation depsite me asking what, in reality, that meant to her) whilst she has therapy and going to Al-Anon, which I am fully supportive of and encouraged. I also said that she had to do what she had to do to get better, as all I ever wanted is for her to be happy and then I took a step back.
I have a 80-90% secure attachment style but can lean slightly into a more anxious style when triggered, but I can manage this and I did not project that on her. She said she wanted to still talk to me and stay friends, and then of course disappeared into her cave and I have barely heard from her. I too have been in no contact in respect for her, I did send her two very kind and supportive texts to begin with and then only responded to hers since. Our 9-month relationship (I have known her for 3 years as a friend) was a good one, no dramas, fun and I supported her throughout. I know that I am too much for her as I am all the things she wants but cannot handle and of course am secure. She said "if you were abusive I would know how to deal with this relationship".
Predictably she has come off the boil a bit in the past month, sent some texts all to do with her ex and that siutation, nothing to do with 'us'. I have responded supportively, but with no questions so she has no pressure to reply. She then added a few romantic emoji's here and there, and then a week or so ago started ending her messages with 'xx' which was very much our relationship sign-off. However the texts are very one-sided and non-commital. Yesterday after another message from her about how hard her week has been, I said that I had had a bad week too and detailed having to bury my oldest friend who died suddenly and now having Covid, then ended the message with a supportive paragraph offering her words of encouragment. She has completely ignored that message which I do find hurtful bearing in mind what I shared, but did I offer too much information on my life when she is struggling with hers? She would not have behaved like this when she was not deactivated and nor did she when I had other problems, she was very supportive.
I want to do the best I can by her, not to trigger her any more than she is, offer support but keep myself in check too and that is a hard balance to find sometimes, so just wondered if anyone has any advice on the best way to manage these one-sided 'nothing' style texts - to reply, not reply, match tone and length .... etc etc.
Many thanks in advance. So happy to find a forum; I have read and researched everything I can on attachement styles to arm myself, but the nuances of each indviudual case do not always fit the mold. Plus I am human and FA behaviour is challenging and can hurt the best of us.
My (what I consider to be ex) FA had a mini breakdown 7 weeks ago - a combination of her alcoholic abusive ex rearing his head and casuing problems for her adult children, which over the past 6 months I saw bring her past (they broke 10 years ago) very much into her present and cause her trauma, and her kids which both affected her badly. A the same time as all this her narcissistic Mother caused issues when her Dad was diagnosed with a serious medical condition (both these people are, I believe, the root cause of her FA attachment issues). All in all she became more and more traumatised, and as this happened she did the standard FA thing and start to pull away from me until she finally broke, said she wanted to "pause the realtionship" (without any explanation depsite me asking what, in reality, that meant to her) whilst she has therapy and going to Al-Anon, which I am fully supportive of and encouraged. I also said that she had to do what she had to do to get better, as all I ever wanted is for her to be happy and then I took a step back.
I have a 80-90% secure attachment style but can lean slightly into a more anxious style when triggered, but I can manage this and I did not project that on her. She said she wanted to still talk to me and stay friends, and then of course disappeared into her cave and I have barely heard from her. I too have been in no contact in respect for her, I did send her two very kind and supportive texts to begin with and then only responded to hers since. Our 9-month relationship (I have known her for 3 years as a friend) was a good one, no dramas, fun and I supported her throughout. I know that I am too much for her as I am all the things she wants but cannot handle and of course am secure. She said "if you were abusive I would know how to deal with this relationship".
Predictably she has come off the boil a bit in the past month, sent some texts all to do with her ex and that siutation, nothing to do with 'us'. I have responded supportively, but with no questions so she has no pressure to reply. She then added a few romantic emoji's here and there, and then a week or so ago started ending her messages with 'xx' which was very much our relationship sign-off. However the texts are very one-sided and non-commital. Yesterday after another message from her about how hard her week has been, I said that I had had a bad week too and detailed having to bury my oldest friend who died suddenly and now having Covid, then ended the message with a supportive paragraph offering her words of encouragment. She has completely ignored that message which I do find hurtful bearing in mind what I shared, but did I offer too much information on my life when she is struggling with hers? She would not have behaved like this when she was not deactivated and nor did she when I had other problems, she was very supportive.
I want to do the best I can by her, not to trigger her any more than she is, offer support but keep myself in check too and that is a hard balance to find sometimes, so just wondered if anyone has any advice on the best way to manage these one-sided 'nothing' style texts - to reply, not reply, match tone and length .... etc etc.
Many thanks in advance. So happy to find a forum; I have read and researched everything I can on attachement styles to arm myself, but the nuances of each indviudual case do not always fit the mold. Plus I am human and FA behaviour is challenging and can hurt the best of us.
