Post by tombrady on Nov 6, 2023 23:38:10 GMT
Sorry this might be a little long but here's my situation.
My ex is an introvert has no friends besides her ex's sister who's shes known for 20+years, has 1 week with her 3 kids and the next without them type of rotation with her Baby daddy, the guy before me.
She broke up with me august 16th, I told her all the things I felt I did wrong and could've done better after realizing she was an FA post breakup and realizing she was just like me in the past, but ultimately she decided she wanted to work on herself and her self sabotaging behavior and avoidance tendencies she developed from being with her ex who treated her like *** for 13+ years and got worse once he got addicted to pills the last 5. They were on and off throughout the relationship a few times. She pretty much got into a relationship immediately right after with me after moving out from his house, which was clearly to soon and didn't give her time to heal or work on herself, but she felt like she was ready atm. She would mention from time to time how she didn't get the chance to be alone with her and her kids and be single later on as she became more avoidant with me, after 6 months of bliss. They were broken up 2 years prior before her meeting me and moving out which I can confirm from her Facebook messages between the two of them. Throughout September going into October we started talking again after giving her time to think about giving me a second chance to which she said she no on September 9th, and that she stood by her decision because she doesn't feel like she can work on her mental health while still having a boyfriend and fulfilling certain relationship obligations with her anxiety and shutting down behavior when it comes to working on problems in the relationship.
It went from her being fine with staying friends and only wanting me to check in on her every 2 weeks-few months, then the next week her being fine with me talking to her whenever I want except when she has her kids and to keep it minimum when she's with them, to her no longer caring at all. So it seemed like things were trending in a direction that seemed like maybe we could slowly get back together. She was however adamant that she didn't want us to hangout or meet in person yet, or at least at work and she doesn't want coworkers to see us together and start asking questions about us after the breakup and spreading rumors (again). But she never said she wouldn't ever want to meet up, just that she wanted to keep it like this for now. I didn't mention going to her home because our job is closer than her apartment especially when I get off work it's just easier. I asked her twice if it was cool to pull up and talk to her after I got off my shift(I work at the house up the street) but she said not yet, she wants to keep it like this for now.
Anyways when I would message her she always responds pretty much instantly or within a few minutes and we would conversate throughout the entire day and a few days in a row we would even text all day and night than pick back up right in the morning. She would be the one to pick back up since she falls asleep first as always. Sometimes I would keep it going and other times, she would keep it going. However the only times she ever initiated herself this past month in a half was when I had sent her a few gifts because I felt bad and guilty for not getting her things for her birthday in July when she was being very avoidant, but she had given me so many things in may for my birthday. Then the other initiation would be her telling me the gifts she sent me was going to be delivered back on October 16th 21 days ago when I started. Then we talked for a bit, traded cards on monopoly go over the phone, than I thanked her later that day for the packages. Unless her picking back up the conversations in the morning counts as her initiating first. The only thing she doesn't want to do is see me in person yet, unless it's the off/rare chance I pick up an OT with her at work which she's perfectly fine with. I haven't initiated a check in or conversation with her however since Oct 13th.
Things sound good between us and all, but the reason Ive been NC the past 21 days was because I've initiated 98% of the conversations between us the past month and a half, and I mean we talk and she responds so quickly and we have actual good quality conversations not dry boring responses. Sometimes yes the conversations fizzle out and we don't keep it going but we always have good streaks where it goes all day and night, and the times we talk on the phone we can talk up to 2-3 hours easy. But at the same time I feel like I'm chasing her. Also me and her worked on "the shadow work journal" a little bit, which exposes child hood traumas and abandonment types but she hadnt done work on it in the past few weeks before I went NC and she said she didn't have the motivation atm. Plus the last time I physically saw her before NC at her job at night where I had to pick up a gift package from her and return it and resend the right size bra, she didn't wanna get in my car and talk, said she was hungry and just wanted to go inside and watch some TV then sleep(group home job) but did talk for a bit through my car window. Also it kinda hurts knowing she talks to her coworkers all the time at work, at least the ones she's acquaintances with, I know it's work and she has to be there but it kinda hurts knowing I have to message her first for her to talk to me. However she did say she didn't want to lead me on and give me false hope if she wouldn't be ready. I told her if she found someone else to tell me in case I still have feelings, and told her I'd do the same, and she agreed for my part, but told me not to tell her if I slept with other girls or got a new gf since she knows I'm attractive, can get other woman, and other woman at the job have flirted with me often, so I guess she still has feelings.
Even though I mostly trust her from what I saw and heard from her and her character the past 8 months we were together, on the off chance there's always a possibility she could have been cheating or seeing someone else(I'll never put it past anyone) and I don't want to continue giving her attention if she's only using me for validation.
She did however say at one point In September where I wasnt sure if I could keep messaging her as friends that she didn't want me to just disappear from texting her and if I was gonna take a break from messaging her to let her know, but at the same time she can easily message me first herself, as well as the fact that I feel I don't owe that to her since she lied to me about losing interest in our relationship the last 2 months until the breakup, and she didn't want to say it to me to soon out of fear of my reaction and that she didn't want to regret it if she cut things off to early. But like I said she was self sabotaging and didn't give it her all out of fear of me leaving her or things not working out in the end when problems would arise between us.
Do you think I should stay on NC? She did say she isn't the type to stay in constant communication with friends and it's only been 3 weeks of NC so far. Or should I keep checking in on her but far less to see hows she's doing and talking about work and other stuff like I was doing? I do still want her back, but I'm also fine with moving if I have to, but I would like to know the best way In getting back with an FA whom has been very receptive to communication post breakup. Or is she just using me for validation and attention since she has 1 friend and doesn't go out anywhere or have anything better to do?
I just think its kinda weird for her to have been as receptive to my communication as she's been being we're recent exes yet texting more than we did the last two months we were together, although not hanging out or seeing each other IRL of course. She doesn't carry on conversations with anyone else or phone calls for that long with anyone else which she's told me multiple times while we were together, and I can confirm that from what I've seen of her Facebook messages and conversations between the exes sister and her 1 work friend.
It just kinda feels like things are trending in the right direction for us to get back together albeit slowly.
Your thoughts? Does she seem interested in starting again but slow? If I want to get her back should I get off NC and resume initiating with her or stay on NC and see if she initiates at any point?
Part of the reason I think I like/love her so much is because I see my old FA self in her, the self sabotaging behavior, thinking someone will eventually screw me over like everyone else, creating nightmare scenarios of things going wrong and letting that become my reality instead of living in the present.
I want her to see it's possible to change, and that I'm someone who's changed over time to which I've told her about my past experiences.
My ex is an introvert has no friends besides her ex's sister who's shes known for 20+years, has 1 week with her 3 kids and the next without them type of rotation with her Baby daddy, the guy before me.
She broke up with me august 16th, I told her all the things I felt I did wrong and could've done better after realizing she was an FA post breakup and realizing she was just like me in the past, but ultimately she decided she wanted to work on herself and her self sabotaging behavior and avoidance tendencies she developed from being with her ex who treated her like *** for 13+ years and got worse once he got addicted to pills the last 5. They were on and off throughout the relationship a few times. She pretty much got into a relationship immediately right after with me after moving out from his house, which was clearly to soon and didn't give her time to heal or work on herself, but she felt like she was ready atm. She would mention from time to time how she didn't get the chance to be alone with her and her kids and be single later on as she became more avoidant with me, after 6 months of bliss. They were broken up 2 years prior before her meeting me and moving out which I can confirm from her Facebook messages between the two of them. Throughout September going into October we started talking again after giving her time to think about giving me a second chance to which she said she no on September 9th, and that she stood by her decision because she doesn't feel like she can work on her mental health while still having a boyfriend and fulfilling certain relationship obligations with her anxiety and shutting down behavior when it comes to working on problems in the relationship.
It went from her being fine with staying friends and only wanting me to check in on her every 2 weeks-few months, then the next week her being fine with me talking to her whenever I want except when she has her kids and to keep it minimum when she's with them, to her no longer caring at all. So it seemed like things were trending in a direction that seemed like maybe we could slowly get back together. She was however adamant that she didn't want us to hangout or meet in person yet, or at least at work and she doesn't want coworkers to see us together and start asking questions about us after the breakup and spreading rumors (again). But she never said she wouldn't ever want to meet up, just that she wanted to keep it like this for now. I didn't mention going to her home because our job is closer than her apartment especially when I get off work it's just easier. I asked her twice if it was cool to pull up and talk to her after I got off my shift(I work at the house up the street) but she said not yet, she wants to keep it like this for now.
Anyways when I would message her she always responds pretty much instantly or within a few minutes and we would conversate throughout the entire day and a few days in a row we would even text all day and night than pick back up right in the morning. She would be the one to pick back up since she falls asleep first as always. Sometimes I would keep it going and other times, she would keep it going. However the only times she ever initiated herself this past month in a half was when I had sent her a few gifts because I felt bad and guilty for not getting her things for her birthday in July when she was being very avoidant, but she had given me so many things in may for my birthday. Then the other initiation would be her telling me the gifts she sent me was going to be delivered back on October 16th 21 days ago when I started. Then we talked for a bit, traded cards on monopoly go over the phone, than I thanked her later that day for the packages. Unless her picking back up the conversations in the morning counts as her initiating first. The only thing she doesn't want to do is see me in person yet, unless it's the off/rare chance I pick up an OT with her at work which she's perfectly fine with. I haven't initiated a check in or conversation with her however since Oct 13th.
Things sound good between us and all, but the reason Ive been NC the past 21 days was because I've initiated 98% of the conversations between us the past month and a half, and I mean we talk and she responds so quickly and we have actual good quality conversations not dry boring responses. Sometimes yes the conversations fizzle out and we don't keep it going but we always have good streaks where it goes all day and night, and the times we talk on the phone we can talk up to 2-3 hours easy. But at the same time I feel like I'm chasing her. Also me and her worked on "the shadow work journal" a little bit, which exposes child hood traumas and abandonment types but she hadnt done work on it in the past few weeks before I went NC and she said she didn't have the motivation atm. Plus the last time I physically saw her before NC at her job at night where I had to pick up a gift package from her and return it and resend the right size bra, she didn't wanna get in my car and talk, said she was hungry and just wanted to go inside and watch some TV then sleep(group home job) but did talk for a bit through my car window. Also it kinda hurts knowing she talks to her coworkers all the time at work, at least the ones she's acquaintances with, I know it's work and she has to be there but it kinda hurts knowing I have to message her first for her to talk to me. However she did say she didn't want to lead me on and give me false hope if she wouldn't be ready. I told her if she found someone else to tell me in case I still have feelings, and told her I'd do the same, and she agreed for my part, but told me not to tell her if I slept with other girls or got a new gf since she knows I'm attractive, can get other woman, and other woman at the job have flirted with me often, so I guess she still has feelings.
Even though I mostly trust her from what I saw and heard from her and her character the past 8 months we were together, on the off chance there's always a possibility she could have been cheating or seeing someone else(I'll never put it past anyone) and I don't want to continue giving her attention if she's only using me for validation.
She did however say at one point In September where I wasnt sure if I could keep messaging her as friends that she didn't want me to just disappear from texting her and if I was gonna take a break from messaging her to let her know, but at the same time she can easily message me first herself, as well as the fact that I feel I don't owe that to her since she lied to me about losing interest in our relationship the last 2 months until the breakup, and she didn't want to say it to me to soon out of fear of my reaction and that she didn't want to regret it if she cut things off to early. But like I said she was self sabotaging and didn't give it her all out of fear of me leaving her or things not working out in the end when problems would arise between us.
Do you think I should stay on NC? She did say she isn't the type to stay in constant communication with friends and it's only been 3 weeks of NC so far. Or should I keep checking in on her but far less to see hows she's doing and talking about work and other stuff like I was doing? I do still want her back, but I'm also fine with moving if I have to, but I would like to know the best way In getting back with an FA whom has been very receptive to communication post breakup. Or is she just using me for validation and attention since she has 1 friend and doesn't go out anywhere or have anything better to do?
I just think its kinda weird for her to have been as receptive to my communication as she's been being we're recent exes yet texting more than we did the last two months we were together, although not hanging out or seeing each other IRL of course. She doesn't carry on conversations with anyone else or phone calls for that long with anyone else which she's told me multiple times while we were together, and I can confirm that from what I've seen of her Facebook messages and conversations between the exes sister and her 1 work friend.
It just kinda feels like things are trending in the right direction for us to get back together albeit slowly.
Your thoughts? Does she seem interested in starting again but slow? If I want to get her back should I get off NC and resume initiating with her or stay on NC and see if she initiates at any point?
Part of the reason I think I like/love her so much is because I see my old FA self in her, the self sabotaging behavior, thinking someone will eventually screw me over like everyone else, creating nightmare scenarios of things going wrong and letting that become my reality instead of living in the present.
I want her to see it's possible to change, and that I'm someone who's changed over time to which I've told her about my past experiences.
