Friendship after a breakup with FA?? | Jeb Kinnison Attachment Type Forum

blueboy
New Member

Posts: 1

Friendship after a breakup with FA?? Nov 22, 2023 16:06:10 GMT

Quote

Post by blueboy on Nov 22, 2023 16:06:10 GMT

Hi,

I'm really confused what to do.
I love my ex (41F, I'm 51M) and we've been split up for about 2 months (18 m together).
She said she doesn't see a future for us and doesn't want to get back, but wants to stay friends as she 'cares' about me and then maybe in a year or two if we still feel the same we can see again.

In short I'm conflicted on whether to accept the friendship, and hope we can slowly rekindle things in time, or am I just wasting my time and setting myself up for more hurt? Am I just being used as a backup option?
I'm getting really mixed signals from her (unintentionally I think), and I think she is really having a heart v mind battle - but I may be wrong.

Throughout that two months we've been split up, we've been in contact most days. The longest we've gone is about 5 days without one of us reaching out. Whenever I text her she replies straight away, and we have decent conversations for hours, so it feels like she's happy to hear from me and converse.

On one hand she has dated (but then told me she stopped because after seeing me it messed her up). I've no doubt she's on dating sites and probably chatting to guys. She's told me she wants me to move on (to easer her own guilt if she meets someone?). She says I'm holding on to hope and she cant give me what I want, only friendship.

But on the other hand we met for coffee two weeks ago (chatted for 5 hrs!) for the first time in two months, and we both agreed it felt like we hadn't seen each other for 5 days, not 2 months. We went for a long forest walk on Sunday and then had a lovely lunch together. Hugged a few times and kissed. We're going to the cinema tonight together. She suggested going out for lunch again in a couple of weeks to a cool new place that has live Jazz. Its almost like dating again. But i think the kiss on Sunday has raised her anxiety and she's pushing back as she thinks this could take her back toward the relationship.
She's always stalking my socials. she tracks me on WhatsApp and knows when I'm on line or not (she told me this). She searched for me on Instagram but couldn't find me. Why would someone do all this if they're not interested in you anymore?
She said I am the only person she's fallen in love with since her husband left 10 years ago. All the above i take as 'positive' signs she still has feelings but is just too scared to try again atm. :-(

I've done a lot of work on myself over the last two months. I've taken responsibility for my side of why the relationship broke down and levelled up and addressed a lot of the issues she said I had. I am a much better person now. and she said she can see the positive changes I've made.

So, am I just filling a void for her, until someone else comes along? Is she using me to get over me? Is she needing that safety blanket of having someone to validate her, but not the fear of having to invest in an emotional relationship. Will this all turn to nothing?
I kinda feel that she wants to keep me around, as a friend, so she can feel that safety without being smoothened and pushed into a corner with the pressure that comes from a relationship.
If in time this can lead to a rekindling then I'm happy to be friends for now, support her and let her know I'm here if she needs me, without putting pressure on her for anything more. To play the long game. However, its quite hard for me because Im still in love with her, and i think she can sense that. But i will really miss her in my life if we have to stop all contact.

However, if I'm just wasting my time and setting myself up for even more hurt as she uses me for support until she finds someone else and then drops me like a hot brick, it will really hurt.

I know how FA work (after doing lots of reading) and so pressure is the opposite of what I need to do to build her trust and make her feel at ease. But i also dont want to be made a mug of.
Its so hard to know what to do.

Edit: Having read other posts it would appear I have to accept friendship and that only. Anything extra or if I have hopes of reconnecting will just add pressure to her, not respect her boundaries and do the opposite of what I hope for.
I guess i now have a very hard decision to make :-(

Last Edit: Nov 22, 2023 16:32:40 GMT by blueboy

alexandra
Platinum Member

Posts: 3,014

Friendship after a breakup with FA?? Nov 22, 2023 19:27:05 GMT via mobile KAI and SpeakCzar like this

Quote

Post by alexandra on Nov 22, 2023 19:27:05 GMT

Nov 22, 2023 16:06:10 GMT blueboy said:

I kinda feel that she wants to keep me around, as a friend, so she can feel that safety without being smoothened and pushed into a corner with the pressure that comes from a relationship.

Nail on head, so listen to your instincts. This balance of distance is the safe space for an FA. Not too close, not too far, one foot in, one foot out, never fully committed but door always slightly open. Because of their trauma and attachment wounding, getting too close feels like they are being engulfed since they have bad boundaries, which leads to their nervous system shutting down and needing space. Too far means setting off a fear of abandonment, nervous system flooding, and wanting reconnection to ease it-- until the reconnection gets too close and they need to push away again. It's a never-ending cycle because there is no middle ground. If that perfect balance of closeness and distance is achieved, it doesn't stimulate their nervous system in either direction so just feels boring and like nothing. This dynamic isn't a heart versus mind battle, it simply is the relationship.

You can't do anything about that. The person needs to recondition their own nervous system which is the very difficult process that requires addressing and healing from past trauma. They also need to really want to do it for themselves, regardless of romantic partners, because it is such difficult and individual work that's based on their past and has nothing to do with who they are dating (she was FA long before you came along, you didn't cause it, you can't fix it). It is also work that requires years, and if the person does it that's great for them, but they'll also end up changing by the end of the process and you can't predict what compatibility and attraction will still be like at that point.

My personal experience with FAs are, once they've broken up with you, it's over. Even if they don't want to hurt you, are confused, want to keep things ambiguous, this is standard. Even if you reconcile, if they are still deeply FA, it will never get back to the same as before (which isn't actually a bad thing since the original dynamic didn't work and led to a break up). Insecure attachers are bad communicators and disconnected from their own needs, plus FA especially are people pleasers and want to avoid conflict and pain so are more likely to fawn and be less direct. That doesn't mean she didn't want to break up or she wouldn't have done it. With insecure attachers, when words and actions don't match up (says: I might want you be with you, does: breaks up with you and offers friendship), listen to the "more negative" of the words/actions. Because that's where the truth lies, even if it's dressed up in confusion, and that's not your fault. She cares about you and values you in her life, but it's never going to become a stable and committed relationship unless she goes off and gets help for probably a couple years or more, then she comes back to you very clearly and directly stating that she's changed, why and how she's changed, and what she wants from you in a relationship.

If you're looking for something serious and emotionally stable / healthy, you need to get off the endless insecure merry go round. This type of dynamic will last indefinitely, as long as you'll allow it. If she really changes at some point in the future, she'll let you know. If you're still in love with her and want more, you'll stay stuck in limbo, unable to get over the pain. You deserve better, so don't abandon yourself trying to see hope in her inconsistency.

Last Edit: Nov 22, 2023 19:35:17 GMT by alexandra

heretogrow
New Member

Posts: 14

Friendship after a breakup with FA?? Nov 22, 2023 21:43:57 GMT

Quote

Post by heretogrow on Nov 22, 2023 21:43:57 GMT

This sounds really painful, I'm sorry you are going through it. As an outsider, it is clear that you need to interpret her mixed signals as a "no". I know how hard this is, I'm fresh off of a 3 yr relationship that ended with many confusing messages as well. She has said she doesn't want to be with you, among other things. Listen to that part. That's her reality, don't try to change it. Her distorted thinking might have gotten her there, but that is not for you to change. If she starts to see things differently because she learns and grows, let it be because she does the thinking and the processing to see things differently, not because you have illuminated things for her. I've tried to do that, and it has not ended well! I would explain why we should stay together, my ex would change his mind, we'd be back together, but it wouldn't be durable. It was flimsy and led to repetitive painful cycles.

I would look into your own compulsion to pursue someone that doesn't want to be with you, hoping to heal them through your perfect love.

I'm learning that I'm not perfect, I'm not supposed to be perfect, and that's ok. In secure relationships, perfection is not the goal or expectation. Also, it's not only not your job to try and heal her, it's inappropriate for you to make that your goal. You are deflecting responsibility for your own healing by focusing so much on her.

Check out what SLAA has to say about all of this. I'm finding it useful.

heretogrow
New Member

Posts: 14

Friendship after a breakup with FA?? Nov 22, 2023 21:52:07 GMT

Quote

Post by heretogrow on Nov 22, 2023 21:52:07 GMT

I'll add: my advice would be no contact for a year. If you both do extensive work, then maybe it's a possibility later. If not, you'll have done a lot of the work you needed to do in order to be a healthier partner for anyone. In the meantime, I don't see how you will be well served providing/receiving support from someone you are in love with and labeling it as friendship. I highly doubt she will address her issues with you providing all that support and safety. But importantly, it's not about that. This is really about you. Focus on you. I promise you have shit to take care of yourself, focus on that, the only thing you can truly control. Let go of the illusion of control over another person. See where the chips fall.

Last Edit: Nov 22, 2023 21:52:50 GMT by heretogrow

tnr9
Platinum Member

Posts: 3,783

Friendship after a breakup with FA?? Nov 22, 2023 22:18:14 GMT

Quote

Post by tnr9 on Nov 22, 2023 22:18:14 GMT

I have FA attachment wounding and when someone feels too close…it feels like alarms are going off…danger will Robinson, danger…..and until I brought some real attention to what was truly going on, it did feel like the cause was the other person. I want to say that it isn’t personal although it can feel very personal when you are in the receiving end. But consider for a moment what she must have gone through to develop such disregulation. And I do think it makes perfect sense to look at your own boundaries and hopes. Were there signs of incompatibility prior to the break up that you may have overlooked? It isn’t uncommon for the more anxious partner to brush aside warning signals with hope of a change….looking at the potential of the relationship versus the reality. This is also formed a really long time ago and is something that can be worked on for a better future.