Texting Anxiety in New Relationship

Hi everyone, sorry it has been a long time. I moved house since my last post, things got quite frantic, and I was without internet for a while.

Thanks for your thoughtful answers, they're helpful.

sunrisequest - Thanks, I agree that I need to be more direct instead of beating around the bush. I have been trying to do that more, it's difficult as it makes me nervous, but it does seem to be more effective. Setting standards and doubting myself are things I do struggle with.

pattrira - Thanks, I did try having that discussion with his fairly early on, but he got upset that I had mentioned my ex (even though I did it as indirectly as possible).

dexterules - That is good advice, thanks. I did try asking him if we could have a phonecall in the evenings instead of texting, and he agreed - but then he didn't stick to it, he continued texting me afterwards.

I'll try to keep this brief, but here's what happened, last time I posted on here, we had split up and I was wondering what to text him (this was the post at the bottom of page 1, that I wrote on 02/12/23 at 2:17am).

I texted him and he said he wanted to fix things too, so he came round the next day and we made up. He said he thought I had dumped him, even though I thought he had dumped me. He said he had to take those 4 days off work, and cried the whole time because he was so upset. I'd been just as upset, and we agreed it was silly and that we should never go that long without talking again.

So we got back together and things were great, we were really happy, we both seemed to be more relaxed and not worrying so much about things. It was easier because he was back working in my city, so we were in person most of the time, which was easier for both of us. I suggested we take a break from texting, because we were seeing each other in person so there was no need. He agreed and it was working quite well.

Then his parents found out about us, and disapproved of me because I am english and a few years older than him. They told him we couldn't be together, he argued but they wouldn't accept it, so he told me we had to split up.

I was heartbroken, and told him I loved him, he said he loved me too (that was the first time we said it). So we split up on 16/12/23, we were both crying and saying we loved each other. He went back to his country over Christmas and New Year to see his family.

I thought that was it then, we agreed not to stay in touch as it was too painful. But about 3 weeks later, when he got back to England, he texted and asked if he could come round. I said he could, and he turned up in tears, we both cried and I cuddled him. He said he loved me and missed me too much, and he would try to work things out with his family.

So we got back together, and were really happy again, things were going well.

But if we argued, he would get very angry and threaten to end the relationship. I told him to stop doing that, as it would scare me and I would start to cry, then he would get angry with me for crying, which I also thought was mean, as I can't help crying when I am upset.

This week, we argued on Monday evening, because I misunderstood a text from him, I thought he wanted to eat separately, but he wanted to eat together. He got angry that I ate without him, and started sending angry texts. I didn't reply, as we had agreed not to send angry texts, and I was on my way round to see him anyway. Then he texted and said he thought I was angry, and I shouldn't come round, as he didn't want to argue. I told him I was already on my way, so he accepted that, but I was upset that he had tried to cancel me coming round.

So when I got there, we argued, I said I don't want to argue either, but his angry texts and telling me not to come round after all had upset me. He got angry and I said I didn't want to argue, and asked him if we could talk things through and make up, and fix things. He said he was too angry to make up and just wanted to sleep, and said we could make up on Tuesday evening. So I reluctantly agreed to wait, if we could cuddle, because I was trying to compromise (I know he prefers time to calm down when we argue, but it just makes me more stressed, as I prefer to fix things quickly).

So we cuddled and he slept, I tried but I was too worried so I couldn't sleep and had nightmares. In the morning, he wished me a good day, I said I will feel better later when we make up. He said he'd already forgotten the argument and he loved me, gave me a kiss and left for work.

That evening he came round, I was anxious and wanted to talk to him and make up. He was reluctant and said "Can't we just forget it", I said no because I'd been waiting to talk things through for 24 hours already and it was stressing me out, and that he had promised we would talk. He got angry and the talk turned into an argument, he would not listen and discuss things calmly, he fixated on one thing that he thought I had said.

He said "You think I don't care about you, so why are we even together!" I told him that what I had actually said is that when we argue and he gets so mean, I feel as though he doesn't care that I am upset. I told him I was with him because I loved him, and he said respect is more important, which confused me, because I have always treated him with respect. I asked why he gets angry with me when I cry, and he said it irritates him because crying is a weakness. I was shocked at that because it sounded so mean to me. I told him that was a mean thing to say, and pointed out that whenever he cries, I feel sad for him, and cuddle him and kiss him, and try to comfort him.

He was so angry, I tried to cuddle him, and said I was sorry for upsetting him, and asked him to talk about it with me, and tell me what upset him so much. He got angry with me for apologising, he said "You can't say sorry now, it's worthless. You said I don't care about you, you need to take care with your words!" I said I was sorry and that wasn't what I meant, I tried to explain again, but he was so angry I couldn't get through to him, I was crying because I was upset.

He said he'd had enough and he was leaving, I asked him to stay, and he said "If I stay, things will get very bad!". I cuddled him and said I loved him, and said "Please stay, you promised we would talk and fix things tonight". He said "Don't touch me, I've had enough, I told you I don't want any more problems". He started packing his clothes into a bag and said we were over, I was horrified and begged him not to go. I was crying and saying I loved him, and that he had promised to fix things, and asked him not to go. He said he was going, and I said "I can't believe you are dumping me over a misunderstood text message. Please don't throw our love away over this". He said he was leaving and I said "Don't you love me?", he said angrily "No I don't love you, I've stopped loving you".

I said he said my words were bad but I'd never say anything like that, and told him he just said he doesn't love me. He said "I love you too much, but you ruined everything with your words". I begged him to stay and said "If you leave now, you are ending things between us" and asked him to stay again. He continued packing his things. I said "If you leave now, I will never forgive you". I said "There is no coming back from this".

But he was determined, and he left.

I cried all night, and couldn't work the next day (Wednesday) as I felt so ill after not sleeping for a couple of nights in a row, and all the crying. I took his stuff and left it for him whilst he was at work (food, drink and presents that he'd left at my house). He texted me that evening and asked if he could bring my stuff round. I said ok (it was just shower stuff like toothpaste etc.). He gave it to me and asked if he could come in for a drink and talk, so I said ok.

He was there for about 3 hours (so I'll try to keep it short). We talked about how sad we were, and how much we would miss each other, he started to cry and said he loved me and didn't want to lose me. I cried too, and cuddled him, but I said it was his choice to split up.

He asked if I would give him another chance and I said no. I said I can't live like that, I can't go through the pain of losing him again. I said the 4 day argument was kind of 50/50, and a misunderstanding, and splitting up at Christmas was because of his parents, but I said "Last night was you - I begged you not to leave, and you dumped me, over a misunderstood text".

He seemed shocked that I wouldn't take him back, he said he wasn't in his right mind, and said he was under so much stress with his job and other things. I told him I sympathise, and I do understand. But I said it doesn't excuse what he did, I said I was crying, telling him I loved him, and begging him not to go, and he still left, even though he had promised we would fix things. He asked if I was taking my revenge, I held his hand and said no, it's not like that, I just can't go through that again, it was torture. I said I'd never be able to relax because I'd always be worried he was going to dump me again if he got angry or we argued. I told him we can't keep splitting up and getting back together.

I said I'd only be able to take him back if he could give me proof that he would never do it again, he said "If I guaranteed I woud never do it again?" and I said yes, that's what I would need. He said he had come round to make up with me, but I said things are broken now and can't be fixed. He said I was the best girlfriend he ever had, and he didn't want to lose me. He asked if I would pick up the phone if he rang, I said there's no reason for us to talk if we are split up. He got a bit panicky and was crying and said "But what if I need to hear your voice?" So I said ok. I told him he needed to leave and he didn't want to go, he cuddled me and said "It's too painful, I don't want to go". I told him it was painful for me too and I did't want him to go, and I'd love to take him back, but I can't.

We kept talking for a while and saying how much we loved each other, and how sad we were that we wouldn't get to have the future together we both wanted. I kept telling him to go and he did eventually. Then when he got back he texted that he will always love me, I said the same.

So it's over now. I'm still shocked it ended that way, and so abruptly. We had been really happy 95% of the time, even other people used to comment on how in love we were. But I can't get past the fact he ended it over something so trivial, and left when I was crying, and telling him I loved him, and begging him not to go, it felt so heartless and cold.

If I thought it was a one off mistake, I might have taken him back. But now I feel like that's just something he does in relationships, like it's a pattern for him. Every time we had argued he had threatened to end things, then I had cried, then he had got angrier with me for crying over a trivial argument. I though what he said about me crying was really mean too - when he cried I felt sad for him.

When he was angry in arguments, I felt like I couldn't reason with him, no matter what I tried - nothing was good enough. He got angry when I apologised, he wouldn't listen to what I said, cuddling him didn't seem to help (even though he had told me that it would), and nothing I said was right or good enough to please him.

He was kind and loving the rest of the time - but the arguments were really difficult.

I'm trying to express myself in a better way, I have bought the 'Non Violent Communication' book, and also 'The 5 Love Languages' book. Sadly they haven't arrived in time for me to try and save this relationship, although maybe it couldn't be saved anyway. I'm trying to learn from what went wrong.

But it's hard because I really wanted things to work with him, I loved him very much, and we were compatible in a lot of ways. I had given him another chance after the 4 day argument, and after Christmas, because I didn't want to give up on him if he was a good man under a lot of pressure. I still don't think he's a terrible person, I don't think he did it deliberately, more that it's a habit for him in relationships when he loses his temper.

But I can't tolerate that kind of treatment. I want to be with a man who will stick by me in the tough times, not run out of the door. I could handle his temper or arguments, if he would have stayed with me to work through them. But once he left, that crossed a line for me.

People say I made the right decision, but it feels awful, I'm heartbroken because I didn't want to lose him, I really thought we had a future together.