Post by mysteryuser on Nov 27, 2023 23:05:41 GMT
I've been thinking about some fears that aren't about core wounds but about how I have internalized this healing process and the conversation surrounding it. I've made a lot of progress on many fronts with my therapist and through a lot of resources, but I'm stuck here.
After slowly healing and getting better at drawing boundaries, I'm finding it really scary to be with people/date. The truth is I don't know what a red flag or an incompatibility is anymore! I'm willing to bet my hypervigilance can find a "red flag" in every single person I know, even ones who are certainly healthy, secure and are in long-term healthy, happy relationships. I know people who have given a chance to others with some real red flags that are currently in similar long term happy relationships. On the other hand, I'm sure even if I find this elusive healthy, secure, no-red-flags person, there's no guarantee of it working out long term.
I thought about why I feel this fear. It's certainly afraid of the possible pain, but that's something I can overcome in time. But the more I think about it, I realize how shameful I am of having picked the wrong people in the past and consequently afraid of picking the wrong person in the future. I feel shameful for having "ignored red flags", chased the wrong traits etc. and "dug my own grave". I feel at fault for my last relationship ending with him blindsiding me because I should've "chosen better".
These thoughts make me afraid of ever really committing, because I am afraid of confronting my own shame. Have you faced this? How did you get past it? I think I'm lacking in compassion toward myself. I feel like if I don't pick right this time -- heck, even if I have a healthy relationship for 30 years and I get divorced at 55 -- I'll blame myself for saying yes today.