|
|
Post by ethanwilliamson on Dec 26, 2023 20:49:40 GMT
Another addition to say, when I say consequences to her actions, I mean maybe losing a connection will push her into getting some more help. Just letting her treat you however doesn't result in any need on her end to want anything to be different. Being an SA victim is horrible even without all that other stuff with her family, and I hope she gets whatever help she needs to best come to terms with it and fully reclaim her life. Thanks for the reply Alexandra and I hope you had a a nice Holiday. I truly don't think that this separation is going to inspire any change in her- the last time we had a long conversation (when I broke no contact after learning about AT to ask her questions), she claimed nothing was wrong with her, even though she admitted that her last relationship was a similar hot/cold dynamic and her ex had accused her of being quick to want to quit on their relationship (which she ultimately did.) I also asked if she had ever gotten therapy in her life and she said no. I didn't really press her on the issue since I felt it wasn't my place to do so, but it was clear she didn't have any major concern over her attachment style (or even any knowledge of AT at all) the last time we spoke. She just believed we weren't compatible, even though our issues were objectively trivial and I was always willing to work on the issues she had with me I do recall a couple of interesting experiences with her that I forgot to mention- one of the many times she pulled away this year, she mentioned it had nothing to do with me and instead she was pulling away because it was the anniversary of when she was SA'd, and she had a tendency to get weird around that time. So she admitted after the fact that her pulling away was actually not because of what I was/wasn't doing, but it was because of past trauma. Also, a few of the times after she pulled away and we made up, always right after the makeup sex, she'd have a moment of clarity where she would recognize that something within her was causing our instability, that she didn't want whatever that was to lead to her losing me, and she pledged to get therapy to address it, but she never followed through and wouldn't talk about it after the moment of clarity passed. I never pressed her on getting therapy, so that was perhaps my fault. Just one more questions from me on this since I believe it's clear that I just need to focus on my recovery for now and breaking the trauma bond. Does that sound like an individual who is likely to repeat the same hot/cold behavior in future relationships, regardless of the "compatibility" of her future partners? I'm admittedly asking this from a place of selfishness- if she's likely to continue to repeat these patterns in the future, assuming she doesn't put in the work with therapy, it would appease my anxiety because I'd feel like it was doomed no matter what happened. Do untreated people like this tend to find suitable long term partners better able to handle their attachment style, or is a repeating story of unfulfilling relationships for the foreseeable future? |
|
|
|
Post by ethanwilliamson on Dec 26, 2023 21:03:45 GMT
Deep down I know that I need to remain in NC indefinitely and keep breaking the trauma bond. If I hadn't ignored her, I would have no problem with that. The guilt of ignoring her is what has left me questioning it. It makes me feel like I quit even though she was the one who always ended things and I was the one who fought for us, and when I ignored her the breakup was still fresh and she even said it was fine if I didn't want to talk in her last message to me. The YouTube videos where they say FAs won't chase after being rejected one time haven't helped me either, but you're right that I feel deep down that I'm doing the right thing, even though it's left me feeling like shit. I just wanted her to stop breaking up with us and we could have had a healthy relationship. I'm in a good place in my life and I'm ready for a serious partner- I'm over playing bullshit games- but I guess she just was the wrong girl. I just want to say, it sounds like you have really done a lot of good work, so please don't get discouraged, don't give up. Just work through these feelings, same as you've worked through everything to get as far as you have. It's another layer, another level. The pain that you're feeling will resolve as you gain more insights, and continue to care for yourself. Your future partner is out there, and she won't break up with you over and over again. You'll be able to work through things together. You'll be glad you made room for her to come into your life. Thank you introvert. I think the most painful part is when you get into a serious relationship with a partner and are willing to do the work on your end to maintain the relationship, but then it turns out they aren't the right person to create a long term partnership with. For whatever reason, I really struggle not taking that personally. Hopefully I'm able to get to the root cause of that with my therapist because for me, breakups are incredibly painful. Obviously they suck for everyone, but I feel like my grief response is way more powerful than normal. It's obvious looking at this objectively that this just wasn't a stable partner I was involved in- she was avoidant from the beginning and had several red flags- but actually internalizing the fact that it's not my fault is super difficult for me for whatever reason. |
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Dec 26, 2023 23:34:13 GMT
I never pressed her on getting therapy, so that was perhaps my fault. Just one more questions from me on this since I believe it's clear that I just need to focus on my recovery for now and breaking the trauma bond. Does that sound like an individual who is likely to repeat the same hot/cold behavior in future relationships, regardless of the "compatibility" of her future partners? ... Do untreated people like this tend to find suitable long term partners better able to handle their attachment style, or is a repeating story of unfulfilling relationships for the foreseeable future? First, you can't press anyone into getting therapy. They want help or they don't. That's out of your control. All that's your "fault" is sticking around when your needs aren't getting met and there's no indication they ever will be or that anything will ever change. Which, second, answers your question. She has major, major, MAJOR trauma she never dealt with. She's not going to be compatible with anyone until she can show up for and recover herself, but only she can decide she wants that. It's not her fault that she was so horribly violated, but it's (unfortunately, even though it's unfair) her responsibility to do something about it. She's right that you're not compatible, because your baggage and healing process and issues together are conflicting and you both have conflicting needs, but if something really works out with someone else in the future, it's because she was finally ready to do something different and show up for both herself and another person as a better partner. Which is what you're trying to do on your side right now, so keep your focus on that and stick with that. |
|
|
|
Post by alexandra on Dec 26, 2023 23:37:46 GMT
but I feel like my grief response is way more powerful than normal. This is very typical for AP or anxious FA. |
|
|
|
Post by tnr9 on Dec 27, 2023 6:02:39 GMT
I realize that the majority of this thread has focused on her issues, but moving forward, it would benefit you to focus more on the individual areas you would like to improve within yourself. Continuing to focus on the other person post breakup is a very anxious technique to avoid focusing oneself. She will be responsible for her life and you are responsible for your own…which gives you a chance to get curious about the roots of your attachment insecurities and to work with your therapist on new tools…but it won’t be easy…because there is some familiarity, comfort in continuing to spiral on questions about an ex. Believe me, I know….i spent a long period of time post breakup still fixated on the guy I dated….and my therapist was wonderful at trying to guide the conversation back to talking about me…sometimes it worked and sometimes I would still review over and over again the “what if” and “if only” questions. The best thing you can do is to be completely no contact…no texts or meet ups or phone calls…and no access to her social media pages.
|
|
