Post by unluckyinlove on Dec 28, 2023 6:34:58 GMT
Wow it’s been about five years since I’ve been on this forum. Here I am back again because I remember how helpful and supportive this forum was for me so thank you all!
Over the last five years I’ve been in therapy working on my anxious attachment style. I have learned to identify my attachment issues and “be the chooser” and I feel confident that I have earned secure. I have purposefully avoided dating just so I can be sure that I am dating healthier.
So now for the long post.
For the first time five years after beginning therapy, I’ve connected with someone that I am really excited about. I know him already but very minimally via social media and I say hello when I see him out at a venue I frequent. He had joined a singles meetup group that I’m also a part of a few months ago on social media and had posted a couple times which I had “liked”. I guess since we already were friends, that was all it took for him to message me. Funny because post therapy, I pretty much said there was no one that I already knew that I would consider a quality man worth dating except for like two people…and he was one of them. So I was pretty excited when he hit me up.
We’ve been taking it super slow…texting/messaging for about 2.5 months almost daily. I was trying to make sure I didn’t fantasize about this guy, was on lookout for any red flags, mirroring his efforts, etc. We got into a lot of deep conversations about family, upbringing and childhood trauma, dating history, finances, religion, politics….as well as fun conversations too….point is, we were really getting to know each other well and he was honest and vulnerable with me. He did say that he was just looking for friendship because his last relationship four years ago messed him up pretty bad and he wasn’t entirely sure he wanted to get in another relationship. He said he enjoyed being single and really didn’t crave closeness with someone (avoidant?). He also said that too many people jumped into things too fast based on physical and forgot to just build a friendship first. This sounded reasonable to me but I did ask him if he was open at all to a relationship because that’s what I was looking for. He told me he would be open to more if the friendship evolved but it would take a while.
I had finally asked him out about three weeks in because he hadn’t made a move (even friends hang out). We met up in a little mountain town to see the lighting of their Christmas lights and spent about 7.5 hrs that day together mostly in the parks and green spaces walking his dogs and talking…a lot of time for a first date. There was zero physical contact during the date however I didn’t really expect it based on his desire to go slow. He was fully engaged and it seemed that we had excellent chemistry/ conversation.
We graduated to phone conversations that have been hours long. We’ve even had 3 hour conversations on two different occasions. He seemed just as engaged as I was on the conversations. We’ve now seen each other again two more times and this last date was amazing. Still no kiss but physical contact is now a hug. But he did tell me that he had always noticed me in the room and even made a couple of comments about social media events I’ve posted that made me think he was noticing me (like commenting on a guy I used to date years ago). He’s also sent me some flirty and even sexual memes….which made me feel that his feelings might be progressing.
He’s even been talking about traveling together and wants to do a camping trip soon.
Weird thing is that I was on such a high after that date but I’ve been noticing overall (even before the date…but especially since the date) that the communication (text, messaging, phone conversations) have already become less and less. I have given him a lot of space with texting and phone calls. I’ve only called him three times total since we’ve been talking and he’s never answered and hasn’t called me back until hours or days later….but then there’s 3 hour conversations. He also takes hours to respond to any texts and only responds with short answers. I got the feeling that if I stopped initiating, the communication would stop altogether. So last few days, I decided to test that and pull back (because I refuse to let his inconsistent responses trigger all the things I’ve been healing from for four years) and now it’s just as I thought….i haven’t heard from him. Even over the holidays. I know we’re all busy but he didn’t have any huge plans and we’ve literally been communicating daily with three hour phone calls every few days.
At this point, I’m trying to decide whether or not to just walk away. It seems a shame to invest so much time in a friendship (with a hope that it can evolve…which I feel that it was), getting to know someone deeply and then just walk away. I honestly don’t understand it. And the fact that he already knew me before….he knew what I looked like and so I don’t feel it’s an attraction issue. I also don’t sense when we’re together that there’s anything that’s specifically turned him off, so I know the issue is him. I can certainly be patient with a slow progression but what I can’t do is mixed signals and push/pull which is what it seems that it’s turning into.
I guess my question is, do I just go complete no contact altogether and if he doesn’t hit me up then just let it go? Or should I give him a few more days of space and then just ask him? What’s a reasonable way of asking keeping in mind that even though his signals are mixed, he can still say that he told me he only wants friendship? Or should I just give it a few more days and then just hit him up like I would a friend and mention nothing about it at all? Maybe wait until that camping trip soon and then see after that? I don’t want to lose that friendship but I also don’t want to be triggered and lose myself again. And at this point, I’m not even sure I can do just a friendship since my feelings have grown. By the way, I hate the apps but I did get back on yesterday knowing that whether or not I get my answers, I need to allow myself to explore other options. Im very serious about my own health and keeping my secure attachment. I’m just very disappointed because I’ve invested so much time and really grown to know and like him.
Over the last five years I’ve been in therapy working on my anxious attachment style. I have learned to identify my attachment issues and “be the chooser” and I feel confident that I have earned secure. I have purposefully avoided dating just so I can be sure that I am dating healthier.
So now for the long post.
For the first time five years after beginning therapy, I’ve connected with someone that I am really excited about. I know him already but very minimally via social media and I say hello when I see him out at a venue I frequent. He had joined a singles meetup group that I’m also a part of a few months ago on social media and had posted a couple times which I had “liked”. I guess since we already were friends, that was all it took for him to message me. Funny because post therapy, I pretty much said there was no one that I already knew that I would consider a quality man worth dating except for like two people…and he was one of them. So I was pretty excited when he hit me up.
We’ve been taking it super slow…texting/messaging for about 2.5 months almost daily. I was trying to make sure I didn’t fantasize about this guy, was on lookout for any red flags, mirroring his efforts, etc. We got into a lot of deep conversations about family, upbringing and childhood trauma, dating history, finances, religion, politics….as well as fun conversations too….point is, we were really getting to know each other well and he was honest and vulnerable with me. He did say that he was just looking for friendship because his last relationship four years ago messed him up pretty bad and he wasn’t entirely sure he wanted to get in another relationship. He said he enjoyed being single and really didn’t crave closeness with someone (avoidant?). He also said that too many people jumped into things too fast based on physical and forgot to just build a friendship first. This sounded reasonable to me but I did ask him if he was open at all to a relationship because that’s what I was looking for. He told me he would be open to more if the friendship evolved but it would take a while.
I had finally asked him out about three weeks in because he hadn’t made a move (even friends hang out). We met up in a little mountain town to see the lighting of their Christmas lights and spent about 7.5 hrs that day together mostly in the parks and green spaces walking his dogs and talking…a lot of time for a first date. There was zero physical contact during the date however I didn’t really expect it based on his desire to go slow. He was fully engaged and it seemed that we had excellent chemistry/ conversation.
We graduated to phone conversations that have been hours long. We’ve even had 3 hour conversations on two different occasions. He seemed just as engaged as I was on the conversations. We’ve now seen each other again two more times and this last date was amazing. Still no kiss but physical contact is now a hug. But he did tell me that he had always noticed me in the room and even made a couple of comments about social media events I’ve posted that made me think he was noticing me (like commenting on a guy I used to date years ago). He’s also sent me some flirty and even sexual memes….which made me feel that his feelings might be progressing.
He’s even been talking about traveling together and wants to do a camping trip soon.
Weird thing is that I was on such a high after that date but I’ve been noticing overall (even before the date…but especially since the date) that the communication (text, messaging, phone conversations) have already become less and less. I have given him a lot of space with texting and phone calls. I’ve only called him three times total since we’ve been talking and he’s never answered and hasn’t called me back until hours or days later….but then there’s 3 hour conversations. He also takes hours to respond to any texts and only responds with short answers. I got the feeling that if I stopped initiating, the communication would stop altogether. So last few days, I decided to test that and pull back (because I refuse to let his inconsistent responses trigger all the things I’ve been healing from for four years) and now it’s just as I thought….i haven’t heard from him. Even over the holidays. I know we’re all busy but he didn’t have any huge plans and we’ve literally been communicating daily with three hour phone calls every few days.
At this point, I’m trying to decide whether or not to just walk away. It seems a shame to invest so much time in a friendship (with a hope that it can evolve…which I feel that it was), getting to know someone deeply and then just walk away. I honestly don’t understand it. And the fact that he already knew me before….he knew what I looked like and so I don’t feel it’s an attraction issue. I also don’t sense when we’re together that there’s anything that’s specifically turned him off, so I know the issue is him. I can certainly be patient with a slow progression but what I can’t do is mixed signals and push/pull which is what it seems that it’s turning into.
I guess my question is, do I just go complete no contact altogether and if he doesn’t hit me up then just let it go? Or should I give him a few more days of space and then just ask him? What’s a reasonable way of asking keeping in mind that even though his signals are mixed, he can still say that he told me he only wants friendship? Or should I just give it a few more days and then just hit him up like I would a friend and mention nothing about it at all? Maybe wait until that camping trip soon and then see after that? I don’t want to lose that friendship but I also don’t want to be triggered and lose myself again. And at this point, I’m not even sure I can do just a friendship since my feelings have grown. By the way, I hate the apps but I did get back on yesterday knowing that whether or not I get my answers, I need to allow myself to explore other options. Im very serious about my own health and keeping my secure attachment. I’m just very disappointed because I’ve invested so much time and really grown to know and like him.
