I resent other neurodivergents that won't play by the rules.

cherrycola
Honored Contributor

Posts: 553

I resent other neurodivergents that won't play by the rules. Jan 30, 2024 4:20:26 GMT

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Post by cherrycola on Jan 30, 2024 4:20:26 GMT

So just this week, I realized I resent neuro-divergents that won't play by the rules. I have been ostracized my entire life, by people who said they were friends. I have put in so much time and effort to learn my normal person scripts, feelings, reactions etc and then this person just wanders in and throws a tantrum or some other immature thing and not only does nothing happen to them, but people coddle them or give them empathy. Because poor thing, has a disability. It does not feel fair. The consciences they face as so much smaller then all the ones I've ever faced for not getting it right. Why is no one punishing them like I was punished?

It's a very eye opening thing for me to recognize in myself. I don't like it, but it also makes sense for some of the reactions I've had to others. Bullies to. Often times when I've tried to set boundaries against people who are bullying me, I end up the one being punished for it? I have been gaslight and told I was ruining the friend group because I removed myself from situations the bully was in.

Definitely feeling a fair bit of anger and grief over this. Not really sure what to do with these feelings, other then just let them be.

mrob
Honored Contributor

Posts: 1,255

I resent other neurodivergents that won't play by the rules. Feb 6, 2024 22:55:02 GMT via mobile

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Post by mrob on Feb 6, 2024 22:55:02 GMT

I know it’s a rant, but I thought I’d relate.

I’m similar. I had to learn so much just to get on and just be a barely functional part of, rather than the constant awful feeling of holding the door open. I had that yearning. Some people are also happy living in their crap, if they’re aware at all. The difference in today’s world is that fitting in isn’t valued. “Authenticity” is valued more. I’m not sure that entirely helps the person or society.

cherrycola
Honored Contributor

Posts: 553

I resent other neurodivergents that won't play by the rules. Feb 7, 2024 6:11:35 GMT

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Post by cherrycola on Feb 7, 2024 6:11:35 GMT

I welcome the reply, thank you. What you said about living in their crap, I do try to hold onto that, that people stay stuck as long as it serves them to. They just seem sort of blissfully oblivious though? I often wish I could go back to when I wasn't aware. I don't remember ever having this level of social anxiety before. Now I am constantly trying to tone myself down and monitor my words. Though it doesn't happen nearly as much, I am still chided with "you can't say that" or "what are you doing?".

The most recent occurrence we had all had a few drinks, and the snow was quick slick so I was having fun with it by shuffling my feet along and someone turned to me and said "what are you doing?!" and I playfully joked back "It's a penguin shuffle". I did not stop and she again asked me why, and was uncomfortable. So I stopped. To me that was a super harmless divergence, yet that was enough to make the person uncomfortable. So there was no celebration of authenticity or even allowance for any sort of playfulness. I find that a lot, no allowance of my version of being playful. My version of weird doesn't feel weird enough to be allowed under authenticity. But it is too weird to be considered normal. At different points in my life I've had people just ask me if I am autistic and explain they are asking because they need an explanation for my behavior.

I do have friends now who say me being weird is their favorite part about me... but it feels hollow? Like yeah I am glad you embrace it and allow for it, but to say it's your favorite part? I dunno. Why can't your favorite part be how nice I am? or how I care about you? My sense of humor? But no... it's the weird choices I make and then we both laugh at me? ....