lilyx
New Member
Posts: 2
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Post by lilyx on Apr 2, 2024 8:23:57 GMT
We broke up yesterday, it was our second attempt of our situationship. I cut off the contact last november (I thought he played with me, I didn't know about attachment style last year), he reached out to me at the end of this january. The first 4 weeks we're amazing, but then he slowly pulled back. I tried to let him his physical space, reached out every 3-4 days via texting. Not pushing him to talk about his feelings or something else. Mostly we had texting conversations, about trivial or middle-deep things. Because deep things should always talked about face to face, I think. Afters 3 weeks of not seeing him, I asked him again. He said he has a busy week. The week after I asked again. He said, he's busy this day but we should meet on another day. But the other day never came. It's been 7 weeks after our last date.
I wanted to talk to him about this, so yesterday I asked him, if we could meet for a little walk to talk about something important for me. He said, he would write me, when he's free, but after a couple of minutes, he ended this thing between us. We had a calm texting conversation. He told me, that I'm not the problem, but it would be better, if we are not seeing each other, because his whole life is in a confusing state. And it really is. He came to germany to live his dream, but it's uncertain if he really reaches his goal and if not, he will get back to his home country in 3 months. And his feelings for me are also very confusing for him.
So I totally understand it. And still...I'm asking myself If I have done something wrong. Deep down, I know I did everything I could, but maybe I missed something. Maybe I missed a sign. But I was really not needy at all. I called him once, and reached out every 3-4 days. I let him have his space, but also told him that I value closeness.
We never fight, we are calm persons, we always had a good time. But he's like a wall, when he's pulling back. And maybe I'm crazy, but I would want to do a third attempt, but not now. But I'm not sure, if he will reach out again. Or if it's okay, that I will reach out in a few months, because we both need to step back now. He needs to have a more stable life. And I want to get even securer with my attachment. I'm an anxious preoccupied, but leaning secure.
So...my dear DA's. Would you do a third attempt? And would you take back your Ex, if she reaches out, even if it was you, who broke up?
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Post by alexandra on Apr 2, 2024 18:02:43 GMT
But I was really not needy at all. I'm sorry you're hurting. But this really stood out to me. You're allowed to have needs without it making you needy. Wanting to see and speak to your partner more than every 3 days to 7 weeks isn't a bad thing. Are you sure you want to go back again to a relationship which makes no space for you and takes none of your needs into account? |
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 2, 2024 20:22:51 GMT
We broke up yesterday, it was our second attempt of our situationship. I cut off the contact last november (I thought he played with me, I didn't know about attachment style last year), he reached out to me at the end of this january. The first 4 weeks we're amazing, but then he slowly pulled back. I tried to let him his physical space, reached out every 3-4 days via texting. Not pushing him to talk about his feelings or something else. Mostly we had texting conversations, about trivial or middle-deep things. Because deep things should always talked about face to face, I think. Afters 3 weeks of not seeing him, I asked him again. He said he has a busy week. The week after I asked again. He said, he's busy this day but we should meet on another day. But the other day never came. It's been 7 weeks after our last date. I wanted to talk to him about this, so yesterday I asked him, if we could meet for a little walk to talk about something important for me. He said, he would write me, when he's free, but after a couple of minutes, he ended this thing between us. We had a calm texting conversation. He told me, that I'm not the problem, but it would be better, if we are not seeing each other, because his whole life is in a confusing state. And it really is. He came to germany to live his dream, but it's uncertain if he really reaches his goal and if not, he will get back to his home country in 3 months. And his feelings for me are also very confusing for him. So I totally understand it. And still...I'm asking myself If I have done something wrong. Deep down, I know I did everything I could, but maybe I missed something. Maybe I missed a sign. But I was really not needy at all. I called him once, and reached out every 3-4 days. I let him have his space, but also told him that I value closeness. We never fight, we are calm persons, we always had a good time. But he's like a wall, when he's pulling back. And maybe I'm crazy, but I would want to do a third attempt, but not now. But I'm not sure, if he will reach out again. Or if it's okay, that I will reach out in a few months, because we both need to step back now. He needs to have a more stable life. And I want to get even securer with my attachment. I'm an anxious preoccupied, but leaning secure. So...my dear DA's. Would you do a third attempt? And would you take back your Ex, if she reaches out, even if it was you, who broke up? Honestly….he is likely FA and not DA…but the thing is…you already had 1 additional round with him and in the end, he wasn’t really able to have a relationship. The issue that keeps reappearing on the site is that individuals who discover attachment theory think there is a magic way to change a person…just by knowing his/her attachment. The reality is that attachment theory is truly meant for you to explore your own attachment wounding so that you can attract a better partner. As an FA, he has a long road ahead of him in terms of healing and only he can decide to address those wounds. You, however, have an opportunity to look at your own attachment wounding and decide to heal it. |
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lilyx
New Member
Posts: 2
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Post by lilyx on Apr 3, 2024 11:40:49 GMT
We broke up yesterday, it was our second attempt of our situationship. I cut off the contact last november (I thought he played with me, I didn't know about attachment style last year), he reached out to me at the end of this january. The first 4 weeks we're amazing, but then he slowly pulled back. I tried to let him his physical space, reached out every 3-4 days via texting. Not pushing him to talk about his feelings or something else. Mostly we had texting conversations, about trivial or middle-deep things. Because deep things should always talked about face to face, I think. Afters 3 weeks of not seeing him, I asked him again. He said he has a busy week. The week after I asked again. He said, he's busy this day but we should meet on another day. But the other day never came. It's been 7 weeks after our last date. I wanted to talk to him about this, so yesterday I asked him, if we could meet for a little walk to talk about something important for me. He said, he would write me, when he's free, but after a couple of minutes, he ended this thing between us. We had a calm texting conversation. He told me, that I'm not the problem, but it would be better, if we are not seeing each other, because his whole life is in a confusing state. And it really is. He came to germany to live his dream, but it's uncertain if he really reaches his goal and if not, he will get back to his home country in 3 months. And his feelings for me are also very confusing for him. So I totally understand it. And still...I'm asking myself If I have done something wrong. Deep down, I know I did everything I could, but maybe I missed something. Maybe I missed a sign. But I was really not needy at all. I called him once, and reached out every 3-4 days. I let him have his space, but also told him that I value closeness. We never fight, we are calm persons, we always had a good time. But he's like a wall, when he's pulling back. And maybe I'm crazy, but I would want to do a third attempt, but not now. But I'm not sure, if he will reach out again. Or if it's okay, that I will reach out in a few months, because we both need to step back now. He needs to have a more stable life. And I want to get even securer with my attachment. I'm an anxious preoccupied, but leaning secure. So...my dear DA's. Would you do a third attempt? And would you take back your Ex, if she reaches out, even if it was you, who broke up? Honestly….he is likely FA and not DA…but the thing is…you already had 1 additional round with him and in the end, he wasn’t really able to have a relationship. The issue that keeps reappearing on the site is that individuals who discover attachment theory think there is a magic way to change a person…just by knowing his/her attachment. The reality is that attachment theory is truly meant for you to explore your own attachment wounding so that you can attract a better partner. As an FA, he has a long road ahead of him in terms of healing and only he can decide to address those wounds. You, however, have an opportunity to look at your own attachment wounding and decide to heal it.
Thank you. It's really eye-opening that he's a FA rather than a DA. I misinterpret so many things. And I think maybe he didn't feel safe enough with me. I told him a few times, I will support him, if he needs me. But I never asked him directly what he needs, to feel supported. I always want to have this conversation face to face about needs and boundaries, but when he pulled away he didn't give me a chance. But maybe I should have just texted him about this  Why do I want a second additional round with him? Pretty easy...because it was a calm connection. We never fight, we are both more calm people, always had a good time, when being around each other. I felt safe, when I was with him and I know he felt safe, when he was with me in person. I know it's not my job to fix him. I can't do this. I know he has to change by himself. But I'm sure he won't do that without proper support. |
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Post by lovebunny on Apr 3, 2024 14:36:59 GMT
Of COURSE you never fight. You never spend time together!!! There's so much more going on in your head then there is in the actual relationship. He doesn't want to talk about needs and boundaries, his or yours. He doesn't want to do relationship stuff.
Honestly, just have the conversation with him with yourself in your own head. Say (in your head) what you want to say him. Now, listen to what you think he would reply (not what you wish he would say, what, based on past things he's said or done, would he really say?) Do you honestly think anything you say or do is going to make him suddenly decide he's been a fool to let you hang out in the breeze, that he's so grateful and happy for your support and is ready and willing to get closer to you?
I don't get why he would consider his feelings for you be "confusing?" There's nothing confusing about two adults deciding to be together. He isn't confused. He has clearly decided, in his actions and in his words, that it's not happening. If I were you, I'd take his "no" at face value. Offering him a third chance to disappoint you just seems self-destructive.
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Post by kirrok on Apr 4, 2024 15:08:41 GMT
It doesn't matter and, in the meantime, you're making this situation out to be as if there's something lacking in you, when really what is lacking is his presence and attunement to you and your valid needs.
But it isn't a calm connection; it's leading to a tremendous amount of anxiety and suffering for you. Understandably, you want so badly for the potential in your heart and head to exist in reality, but the reality of the relationship isn't coherent with what you yearn for. There is no amount of wishing, hoping, yearning, or effort toward changing him that is going to yield a different outcome. And regardless, you have no agency over any of it, except to decide whether it's working for you. Based on what you've shared regarding your feelings and what you hope for vs. what you're actually experiencing and receiving, it isn't working for you. Do you want to continue to experience that?
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Post by alexandra on Apr 4, 2024 16:40:48 GMT
Of COURSE you never fight. You never spend time together!!! There's so much more going on in your head then there is in the actual relationship. He doesn't want to talk about needs and boundaries, his or yours. He doesn't want to do relationship stuff. All of this. Plus, in relationships I've had that I thought were good because we never fought, it turned out we never fought because no one was honestly or authentically communicating. Those were generally relationships in which I was AP dating FA, and that no fighting dynamic was fundamentally broken. Not fighting also can happen because no one voices their own needs, but even asking won't help because one or both people may be so disconnected from themselves that they don't know what they need (but that doesn't mean others should assume, mindread, or tell them what those needs are), and one or both people may be stuffing down needs to keep the peace or appear perfect until there's an implosion. The calmness you feel together isn't security, it's your anxiety being temporarily relieved by the high of feeling reconnected in person. Feels much better than spinning out in the times you're apart. True emotional safety is not feeling relationship anxiety when you're together or when you're apart because there's a solid foundation of trust. Not of intermittent reinforcement and breakups over every little thing (usually people in sustainable relationships can fight respectfully in a healthy way to resolve their disagreements without breaking up). If he wants help, he needs to go to someone to ask for it, not the other way around. And if he ever gets to that point then the support he needs is from a therapist, not a partner willing to play therapist. There are huge boundary problems with that dynamic between partners which will ensure a relationship never works. It's a form of enmeshmemt, which is a term worth looking up. Try focusing on your own attachment issues and not him and staying no contact while you're trying to heal. If he ever comes back, then at least you'll be in a healthier mindset to give a relationship a fighting chance. But if you try to get back together with this dynamic, it'll just repeat the same with the same pain over and over. |
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