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Post by tnr9 on Apr 3, 2024 16:00:03 GMT
I am not attacking you….i am pointing out that 1. FA is an attachment, it isn’t the person and 2. 18 years is a really long time to hold onto a particular perspective on someone. I find it interesting that you are being defensive about my curiosity and taking my words as being hostile when they are simply comments from an active member in this community. I also find it curious that after alexandra posted her response…you still feel the need to ask about her getting treatment. Sometimes it is best just to leave things be. This forum is littered with people talking about FA exs. I don't see you correcting them, just my post. Like every other post is someone talking about an FA ex. I used the language I saw here. I don't understand why you had to call me out for repeating whats already been said. Because its the only perspective I have on her? I haven't talked to her or seen her in 18 years. Because I have empathy, she was a very important part of my life once and finding out she has some mental health issues, it makes me sad for her. I don't understand whats so harmful about me asking questions, I am not going to force her into therapy.
Like I said she setup a boundary of not wanting to talk and I will respect that. Doesn't mean I can't be disappointed. Doesn't mean I am not sad that this person who was once an important part of my life is going out of her way to avoid me so many years later. Because no one else is speaking about an ex from 18 years ago…..back then you were in a relationship with her and you could refer to hers and your dynamic as a typical FA relationship…but she hasn’t been in your life for 18 years…chances are she has grown and changed since then. So calling her an FA when you know zip about her now is not accurate. That is why in your post I made the distinction. it is obvious that seeing her triggered something in you….trying to understand her changes nothing…but figuring out what is stirred up in you and processing through that changes everything. Your nervous system has been activated and your fixation on her is a strategy I have seen many people with an anxious preoccupied attachment display. You have an opportunity to change that about yourself but it has to be a look inward and not outward. Note…since you have ADD (and I am familiar as the guy that I ended finding these forums for had ADD also)….maybe it makes sense to determine when fixating and trying to understand/solve something is worth your time and when you will have to simply let it go. Whether you had 1 or 100 encounters with her…her reaction isn’t likely to change and the best you can do is to simply accept this as her processing her own stuff. Maybe it is about you, maybe it isn’t…but no one here can really speak to it as she isn’t here to help us understand her side of things. Have you asked in any ADD forums if anyone had a similar experience and how he/she dealt with it. There are uniquenesses in your situation that might make checking in with one of those forums helpful. I know that B found it helpful to pose questions to others with ADD. |
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Post by alexandra on Apr 3, 2024 18:32:09 GMT
Given what alexandra said It seems like treating her as a creepy stranger would be detrimental to her. Actually, I disagree. Treating her as a stranger you used to know would be better for you. However you treat her, as long as it isn't blatantly disrespectful, makes no difference to her and has no impact on her, her decisions, or her life now. In pointing out that she likely has issues I was trying to also point out that she's always had issues both 18 years ago and today. So it's very likely nothing you did, which means you can't really have any impact on it because it's her stuff to deal with. In addition, just because she chooses to handle things differently than you doesn't give anyone any say over whether or not she believes she needs "help." Maybe she thinks she's happier this way, even if she's non-confrontational and sounds like a terrible communicator. But that's not on anyone else to judge, only to decide if it's compatible with the type of relationships they'd like to have (romantic, platonic, acquaintance... why surround yourself with someone who makes you feel anxious and won't communicate with you?). She may not think she needs to get help, or maybe what she has to work through (if anything) is so painful and traumatic that it feels safer for her mental health to not deal with it. We don't know. As an engineer looking for answers, if she has ever had and still has an FA attachment style, then it's a matter of accepting that she thinks about the world differently than you do. Unaware FA don't trust anyone, including themselves, and therefore simply react to emotions and have no organized strategy for dealing with their relationships and getting their needs met. I was trying to offer an explanation, that she likely has mental health issues whatever they are since you haven't come across others who behave this way, but to depersonalize it, focus on your own healing over all these years and your own success through therapy and having your own family, and let what she's doing go with love. There's nothing for you to take upon yourself or do for her or towards her, just live your own life. Sometimes you want to have happy reunions with people, but it's simply out of your control if they don't want to. It doesn't really matter the reason, only the outcome matters. You can mourn that you had an idea in the back of your head that maybe one day you'd have a nice conversation with her and things would feel more peaceful and settled. But instead, she chooses not to or doesn't have that capacity for whatever reason. I wouldn't blame myself, but I might wonder if anything is missing or unresolved within myself if I started ruminating about it after the unexpected shock of seeing her wore off. |
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Post by alexandra on Apr 3, 2024 19:44:47 GMT
I wanted to add, since you were looking for answers, mental health issues can be an explanation which is why I originally commented on it, but it's not an excuse. An adult who doesn't want to manage their own issues shouldn't be getting managed by others. Even if you empathize, there's no need to walk on eggshells or change your behavior to try to emotionally regulate her. You also don't know if she's unhappy, you only know she's made you uncomfortable by being standoffish, and that you two do not currently have an existing relationship/friendship. So that's why you just focus on what you do know and can control, which is doing what's right for you on your side of things.
I also agree on the callout about the ADD. I don't have it, but I believe it can make you hyper-focused sometimes, right? That may be what's going on here too, and why it hit you harder than you expected.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2024 20:46:47 GMT
My point is, 18 years is a long time to still have any sort of feelings or thoughts or anything about an ex, even if it was your first love. You guys were kids!!! You're a married person with children, and I wonder why this is taking up any amount of your bandwidth? It might be worth examining, and nipping it in the bud. Especially if you're going to be living in the same area now. That's kind of why I am here, I didn't have an extreme reaction she did. I was caught off guard, sure. But I recovered quickly her behavior towards me is just very confusing and I am just trying to understand it out of curiosity. I have said this several times I don't plan on contacting her or talking to her. I am just a naturally curious person.
Its probably my ADHD, I am an engineer, when I see something I don't understand I like to read up on it and get a basic idea about it. I understand no one can be in her head. I understand no one can tell me exactly why she is acting the way she is, but asking questions on a forum of people who tend to act like her or are familiar with people who act like her does no harm to anyone.
I would happily deal with her as a stranger, I deal with strangers all the time. The thing is I don't have strangers stare at me and go out of their way to avoid me, then continue to stare at me. We had a few more encounters around town over the past few months that didn't seem worth mentioning, as it was more of the same avoid and stare. I think anyone in my position would be confused/curious why someone is acting that way towards them. Let alone a person who was once a big part of their life. Her behavior has gone past impolite and starting to go into creepy territory.
Given what alexandra said It seems like treating her as a creepy stranger would be detrimental to her. So out of consideration to her, given our past, I am trying to understand the implications of her actions and come to terms with how she is acting towards me.
Her actions still have an affect on me and I don't think telling me to ignore the stranger repeatedly staring at me in public is great advice either.
Jesus, dude... you don't have to like the advice but you don't have any great ideas either haha! You seem hyper irritable but I could be misreading g your tone. I don't really care, just offered a couple cents as you asked. I'll pull back from your quest and wish you the best! 😆 |
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Post by buzzmu on Apr 3, 2024 21:47:11 GMT
I wanted to add, since you were looking for answers, mental health issues can be an explanation which is why I originally commented on it, but it's not an excuse. An adult who doesn't want to manage their own issues shouldn't be getting managed by others. Even if you empathize, there's no need to walk on eggshells or change your behavior to try to emotionally regulate her. You also don't know if she's unhappy, you only know she's made you uncomfortable by being standoffish, and that you two do not currently have an existing relationship/friendship. So that's why you just focus on what you do know and can control, which is doing what's right for you on your side of things. I also agree on the callout about the ADD. I don't have it, but I believe it can make you hyper-focused sometimes, right? That may be what's going on here too, and why it hit you harder than you expected. My ADHD is definitely playing a part, novel things peak my interest. A little known fact of people with ADHD(at least it was to me as I wasn't diagnosed until later in life) is they are more likely to be a Highly Sensitive Person, which my therapist confirmed I am. Framing my question around my ex kills two birds with one stone. It keeps it grounded in reality, I get answers that are realistic given the situation and helps me to process some of the emotions that came back up seeing her and having her avoid me. At the same time I find being stared at creepy, as anyone would and this is my way of dealing with it.
I added the qualifier creepy there for a reason.I did take the time to decide if understanding it was worth my time or not I did every time I crossed paths with her and she stared at me. I find the behavior to be creepy. If this was a true stranger, I would not be so willing to let this person so blatantly stare at me. This kind of shit easily makes someone paranoid. Luckily for me I had a past with her and a way to maybe understand why she is acting the way she is and maybe remove some of the mystery behind it. I understand no one can tell me exactly why she is doing this, but maybe finding out some possible reasons might help me to accept accept it and move on.
I am neurodivergent as well. This applies equally to me, yet I keep being told to look inside and just be okay that she is staring at me. I feel my reaction to being stared at is fairly normal, it's how I am choosing to handle it that differs from most people.
I am not trying to restart our friendship or walk on eggshells around her. I am not going to alter my life in anyway to accommodate her. I have no interest in helping her with her issues. It truly does make me sad that someone who meant so much to me is dealing with something like this. While I would love to catch up with her and have a conversation with her. She made that clear with her actions that wasn't going to happen. It makes me sad to think about sure, but I have learned over the years how I can best process my emotions and accept things as they are. This is my process, it took a lot of work to get here, but its been very effective for me. Weirdly enough she is a big reason I did get a better handle on my own emotions.
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Post by buzzmu on Apr 3, 2024 21:53:26 GMT
That's kind of why I am here, I didn't have an extreme reaction she did. I was caught off guard, sure. But I recovered quickly her behavior towards me is just very confusing and I am just trying to understand it out of curiosity. I have said this several times I don't plan on contacting her or talking to her. I am just a naturally curious person.
Its probably my ADHD, I am an engineer, when I see something I don't understand I like to read up on it and get a basic idea about it. I understand no one can be in her head. I understand no one can tell me exactly why she is acting the way she is, but asking questions on a forum of people who tend to act like her or are familiar with people who act like her does no harm to anyone.
I would happily deal with her as a stranger, I deal with strangers all the time. The thing is I don't have strangers stare at me and go out of their way to avoid me, then continue to stare at me. We had a few more encounters around town over the past few months that didn't seem worth mentioning, as it was more of the same avoid and stare. I think anyone in my position would be confused/curious why someone is acting that way towards them. Let alone a person who was once a big part of their life. Her behavior has gone past impolite and starting to go into creepy territory.
Given what alexandra said It seems like treating her as a creepy stranger would be detrimental to her. So out of consideration to her, given our past, I am trying to understand the implications of her actions and come to terms with how she is acting towards me.
Her actions still have an affect on me and I don't think telling me to ignore the stranger repeatedly staring at me in public is great advice either.
Jesus, dude... you don't have to like the advice but you don't have any great ideas either haha! You seem hyper irritable but I could be misreading g your tone. I don't really care, just offered a couple cents as you asked. I'll pull back from your quest and wish you the best! 😆 I did not mean it to come off as irritable in anyway. Sorry if you got that from my post. I just feel like most people wouldn't be okay with a random stranger blatantly staring at them over the course of months. Understanding why she might be staring at me is my way of handling it, then I can make an informed decision if its innocent enough and something I am ok ignoring. |
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Post by iz42 on Apr 3, 2024 22:00:49 GMT
If you were to decide you aren't ok with ignoring her staring at you, how else would you want to handle it?
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 3, 2024 22:04:46 GMT
I wanted to add, since you were looking for answers, mental health issues can be an explanation which is why I originally commented on it, but it's not an excuse. An adult who doesn't want to manage their own issues shouldn't be getting managed by others. Even if you empathize, there's no need to walk on eggshells or change your behavior to try to emotionally regulate her. You also don't know if she's unhappy, you only know she's made you uncomfortable by being standoffish, and that you two do not currently have an existing relationship/friendship. So that's why you just focus on what you do know and can control, which is doing what's right for you on your side of things. I also agree on the callout about the ADD. I don't have it, but I believe it can make you hyper-focused sometimes, right? That may be what's going on here too, and why it hit you harder than you expected. My ADHD is definitely playing a part, novel things peak my interest. A little known fact of people with ADHD(at least it was to me as I wasn't diagnosed until later in life) is they are more likely to be a Highly Sensitive Person, which my therapist confirmed I am. Framing my question around my ex kills two birds with one stone. It keeps it grounded in reality, I get answers that are realistic given the situation and helps me to process some of the emotions that came back up seeing her and having her avoid me. At the same time I find being stared at creepy, as anyone would and this is my way of dealing with it.
I added the qualifier creepy there for a reason.I did take the time to decide if understanding it was worth my time or not I did every time I crossed paths with her and she stared at me. I find the behavior to be creepy. If this was a true stranger, I would not be so willing to let this person so blatantly stare at me. This kind of shit easily makes someone paranoid. Luckily for me I had a past with her and a way to maybe understand why she is acting the way she is and maybe remove some of the mystery behind it. I understand no one can tell me exactly why she is doing this, but maybe finding out some possible reasons might help me to accept accept it and move on.
I am neurodivergent as well. This applies equally to me, yet I keep being told to look inside and just be okay that she is staring at me. I feel my reaction to being stared at is fairly normal, it's how I am choosing to handle it that differs from most people.
I am not trying to restart our friendship or walk on eggshells around her. I am not going to alter my life in anyway to accommodate her. I have no interest in helping her with her issues. It truly does make me sad that someone who meant so much to me is dealing with something like this. While I would love to catch up with her and have a conversation with her. She made that clear with her actions that wasn't going to happen. It makes me sad to think about sure, but I have learned over the years how I can best process my emotions and accept things as they are. This is my process, it took a lot of work to get here, but its been very effective for me. Weirdly enough she is a big reason I did get a better handle on my own emotions.
Also just an fyi ADD and ADHD are very very different things. There are talks of renaming ADHD to Executive Function Disorder because it keeps getting lumped in with ADD. It’s not remotely similar.
It actually was a typo on my part as B had ADHD. Phone, keys, wallet was a big part of his day as he would often forget one of them somewhere, he would also leave his phone off accidentally or forget to charge it, he loved mountain bike racing, could not keep still, had an incredibly hard time focusing….but could be hyper focused when things would bother him. I don’t think you can really speak for what most people would do if someone stared at them…that may be your perception but I don’t think it can be stated with any certainty. I am an empath….many of the members here are. I used to have a very hard time walking through malls and feeling the desperation and boredom from the salespeople….it took years of therapy to find a way to choose what to act upon and what to simply let be. Regardless of how much care of empathy you feel, people are ultimately responsible for themselves. I was going to add that I have found somatic experiencing therapy to be a great tool in my journey. |
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Post by Deleted on Apr 4, 2024 14:21:26 GMT
Look, buzzmu... I'm not saying you shouldn't feel one way or the other about this because your feelings are what they are and they aren't right or wrong. You've asked for opinions, here's another that might not suit you, take it or leave it. As an engineer, *maybe* you prefer to see yourself as logical ("I like to research and analyze and understand so I can take logical action!"). Maybe that's a defense. Just spitballing. You acknowledge that you've had some trouble in the past, with emotions, and that you've gotten a handle. You acknowledge this circumstance has hurt you. I reckon you are taking an emotional, not logical approach to this. You say you're just here asking people who behave in similar ways (FA's) if they can shed light on this. Well, if there is an account here of an FA hiding and staring and acting like a zombie when encountering an ex of 18 years I haven't seen that, maybe it's here somewhere but certainly not something coming up lot with the current active posters so don't be surprised if no one knows what the hell you're talking about. We aren't trying to be difficult this is just way out there. Additionally, it's as creepy as you make it. If you're really concerned about some kind of risk to yourself, (got the impression you think this could be something ither than benign social awkwardnes...) bouncing it off this forum has not netted a clear answer, maybe engage in some self protection like avoiding her, carrying mace, a recording device, or moving states. Ok, a little sarcasm there but nothing you've described is alarming to me. I'm not there, so take that with a grain of salt. A possibility, perhaps, is that you are dealing with unresolved emotions and are caught in a negative thought cycle and you're here dragging other people into it, and it's not helping you. If you've got a tendency to do a deep dive into whatever interests you or has your attention, quite possibly your hurt feelings and confusion has you obsessing a bit and going down a rabbit hole. Who knows. But you're here asking so there again is my six to nine cents. I offered again because of your last comments. Take or leave, I'm here with my coffee participating and that is all. |
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Post by sunrisequest on Apr 4, 2024 23:27:02 GMT
The only thing that seems certain is that she is having some type of nervous response from having seen you again after all this time. She may not even know herself why her body has gone into a state of fight/flight/freeze... it really is impossible to know, but it seems like a fairly typical response for someone has challenges in holding security within themselves generally. You can probably safely say that she doesn't just doesn't feel secure or she feels triggered by some memory. But that's probably all you can say.
In terms of how you feel, I can understand why you'd be a little confused by it, and why it would unsettle you a bit.. trying to figure it out and find a logical reason why she's doing what she's doing is just you trying to settle the anxiety I imagine it's triggered inside of you - even if it's not big anxiety, it seems to have unsettled you a bit and we look for answers when we feel that way. We seek answers so we can feel safety.
You have choices in front of you in terms of how to manage it, and all of those choices should really be based around what you feel is best for you?? Do you want to ease the environment a little bit so that you can feel a bit more easy when you go to the school? Is it better for you to just ignore all of it and go on your merry way? Or is it more mature to not pretend you don't know her, so give her some small sign of friendly acknowledgment that doesn't involve getting too close or having to get into a conversation? Whatever you do, there's no right or wrong, it's just about figuring out what you want and taking a step towards that.
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