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Post by buzzmu on Apr 2, 2024 22:17:41 GMT
We had a typical FA relationship, she was very hot and cold. Blindsided me twice at roughly the 6 week mark. In between us dating she dated other guys. We tried being friends which went great for 2 months, shortly after I graduated she wrote me a love note, even though we were just friends(she was a grade below me) Spent the day together at a festival nearby and she was awful to me. Cold and just incredibly rude, tried giving her space, tried talking to her got nothing, by the end of the day I had enough. I told her it was best we go our separate ways. 8 months later, she reached out and apologized, said she felt horrible and didn't know why she did that. It seemed like she might have considered going to college where I was, but choose one a few states over. Wanted to remain friends. She was seeing someone when she reached out. 3 months after we started talking again I started dating someone, She was talking about a guy she met at the exchange program. Thought we had figured out how to make being friends work at least. About a month after that I was home from college and she was coming home from some HS exchange program in another state in a week. When she found out I was home she ghosted me. Never signed onto her MSN account again and unfriended me on Facebook. Blocked me 9 months later.
Skip to now, I married that girl I started dating all those years ago, have 2 great kids. Ran into my ex at an event at our school. She just stared at me, her voice while talking to the teacher was so robotic and monotone. It was weird. I was not expecting to see her in the slightest and was caught off guard. I just focused on my kids. She was with her husband who didn't seem very friendly, but maybe it was just an off day for him. Either way it did not seem like the time or place to catch up with an ex from so long ago. I sat down in a chair to play with my son about 5 feet from her with my back to her and I swear I felt like she was drilling holes in the back of my head. Her and her husband and son who was about the same age as my son, left after 10 mins. I dropped my son off at another school event a few weeks later and saw that she went out of her way to avoid me. But on top of that she stared at me the whole time she was driving away. Oh she unblocked me like 16 years ago. I'm now blocked again.
I was caught off guard seeing her that night, but thought it would be nice to catch up. Trying to find her on facebook to message her and say hi. Thats when I found out I was blocked again. I was hoping next time we ran into each other to catch up it would be nice to see how she has been. But that's when she pulled her whole hide and stare act at me. I don't understand why she is acting this way.
Can anyone give me any insight?
/For additional context we haven't spoken or seen each other since she ghosted me.
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 2, 2024 23:44:59 GMT
We had a typical FA relationship, she was very hot and cold. Blindsided me twice at roughly the 6 week mark. In between us dating she dated other guys. We tried being friends which went great for 2 months, shortly after I graduated she wrote me a love note, even though we were just friends(she was a grade below me) Spent the day together at a festival nearby and she was awful to me. Cold and just incredibly rude, tried giving her space, tried talking to her got nothing, by the end of the day I had enough. I told her it was best we go our separate ways. 8 months later, she reached out and apologized, said she felt horrible and didn't know why she did that. It seemed like she might have considered going to college where I was, but choose one a few states over. Wanted to remain friends. She was seeing someone when she reached out. 3 months after we started talking again I started dating someone, She was talking about a guy she met at the exchange program. Thought we had figured out how to make being friends work at least. About a month after that I was home from college and she was coming home from some HS exchange program in another state in a week. When she found out I was home she ghosted me. Never signed onto her MSN account again and unfriended me on Facebook. Blocked me 9 months later.
Skip to now, I married that girl I started dating all those years ago, have 2 great kids. Ran into my ex at an event at our school. She just stared at me, her voice while talking to the teacher was so robotic and monotone. It was weird. I was not expecting to see her in the slightest and was caught off guard. I just focused on my kids. She was with her husband who didn't seem very friendly, but maybe it was just an off day for him. Either way it did not seem like the time or place to catch up with an ex from so long ago. I sat down in a chair to play with my son about 5 feet from her with my back to her and I swear I felt like she was drilling holes in the back of my head. Her and her husband and son who was about the same age as my son, left after 10 mins. I dropped my son off at another school event a few weeks later and saw that she went out of her way to avoid me. But on top of that she stared at me the whole time she was driving away. Oh she unblocked me like 16 years ago. I'm now blocked again.
I was caught off guard seeing her that night, but thought it would be nice to catch up. Trying to find her on facebook to message her and say hi. Thats when I found out I was blocked again. I was hoping next time we ran into each other to catch up it would be nice to see how she has been. But that's when she pulled her whole hide and stare act at me. I don't understand why she is acting this way.
Can anyone give me any insight?
/For additional context we haven't spoken or seen each other since she ghosted me.
If you are happily married with 2 great kids, why does the behaviors of an ex from 18 years ago bother you? She owes you nothing and good for her to block you when she may not truly want any connection with you at this point . Just leave it be and go back to your happy life and let her enjoy her own. |
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Post by buzzmu on Apr 3, 2024 1:19:38 GMT
We had a typical FA relationship, she was very hot and cold. Blindsided me twice at roughly the 6 week mark. In between us dating she dated other guys. We tried being friends which went great for 2 months, shortly after I graduated she wrote me a love note, even though we were just friends(she was a grade below me) Spent the day together at a festival nearby and she was awful to me. Cold and just incredibly rude, tried giving her space, tried talking to her got nothing, by the end of the day I had enough. I told her it was best we go our separate ways. 8 months later, she reached out and apologized, said she felt horrible and didn't know why she did that. It seemed like she might have considered going to college where I was, but choose one a few states over. Wanted to remain friends. She was seeing someone when she reached out. 3 months after we started talking again I started dating someone, She was talking about a guy she met at the exchange program. Thought we had figured out how to make being friends work at least. About a month after that I was home from college and she was coming home from some HS exchange program in another state in a week. When she found out I was home she ghosted me. Never signed onto her MSN account again and unfriended me on Facebook. Blocked me 9 months later.
Skip to now, I married that girl I started dating all those years ago, have 2 great kids. Ran into my ex at an event at our school. She just stared at me, her voice while talking to the teacher was so robotic and monotone. It was weird. I was not expecting to see her in the slightest and was caught off guard. I just focused on my kids. She was with her husband who didn't seem very friendly, but maybe it was just an off day for him. Either way it did not seem like the time or place to catch up with an ex from so long ago. I sat down in a chair to play with my son about 5 feet from her with my back to her and I swear I felt like she was drilling holes in the back of my head. Her and her husband and son who was about the same age as my son, left after 10 mins. I dropped my son off at another school event a few weeks later and saw that she went out of her way to avoid me. But on top of that she stared at me the whole time she was driving away. Oh she unblocked me like 16 years ago. I'm now blocked again.
I was caught off guard seeing her that night, but thought it would be nice to catch up. Trying to find her on facebook to message her and say hi. Thats when I found out I was blocked again. I was hoping next time we ran into each other to catch up it would be nice to see how she has been. But that's when she pulled her whole hide and stare act at me. I don't understand why she is acting this way.
Can anyone give me any insight?
/For additional context we haven't spoken or seen each other since she ghosted me.
If you are happily married with 2 great kids, why does the behaviors of an ex from 18 years ago bother you? She owes you nothing and good for her to block you when she may not truly want any connection with you at this point . Just leave it be and go back to your happy life and let her enjoy her own. I never said she owed me anything. I've run into old girlfriends, never have I seen someone react the way she is towards me. I've always considered myself a good guy. I was always respectful, I treated her no differently then any of my ex's. While I'm not friends with most of my ex's, we have always been polite and caught up when our paths crossed. Its just a nice trip down memory lane. My FA ex, I treated no differently then any other ex. I was always respectful, I never ever pushed them to do something they weren't comfortable with. I respected their boundaries. I bring this up because some of the guys she went with in between us, well lets say they did not respect her boundaries. Speaking of respecting her boundaries. She made it clear she doesn't want to talk to me, I have absolutely no plans to force that. But here is the thing, apparently our kids now go to the same exact school. Its not a big school, highly likely I am going to keep running into her. I can't understand why someone would have such a strong reaction to me all these years later. I was nothing but a gentlemen to her, and I am just confused how she could act this way 18 years later. Its not like we broke up a month ago. |
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Post by alexandra on Apr 3, 2024 1:33:08 GMT
I think the easiest way to understand this is she probably has mental health issues. So she handles things differently than you do, and in a way that feels foreign but in reality is mainly incompatible. Try not to take it too personally, and focus on your own growth since school instead.
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 3, 2024 1:48:00 GMT
If you are happily married with 2 great kids, why does the behaviors of an ex from 18 years ago bother you? She owes you nothing and good for her to block you when she may not truly want any connection with you at this point . Just leave it be and go back to your happy life and let her enjoy her own. I never said she owed me anything. I've run into old girlfriends, never have I seen someone react the way she is towards me. I've always considered myself a good guy. I was always respectful, I treated her no differently then any of my ex's. While I'm not friends with most of my ex's, we have always been polite and caught up when our paths crossed. Its just a nice trip down memory lane. My FA ex, I treated no differently then any other ex. I was always respectful, I never ever pushed them to do something they weren't comfortable with. I respected their boundaries. I bring this up because some of the guys she went with in between us, well lets say they did not respect her boundaries. Speaking of respecting her boundaries. She made it clear she doesn't want to talk to me, I have absolutely no plans to force that. But here is the thing, apparently our kids now go to the same exact school. It’s not a big school, highly likely I am going to keep running into her. I can't understand why someone would have such a strong reaction to me all these years later. I was nothing but a gentlemen to her, and I am just confused how she could act this way 18 years later. It’s not like we broke up a month ago. But again, why does it matter? If she chooses not to interact with you, she has a right to that choice. But I find it so curious that you are still viewing her through a very old lens. She isn’t “FA”…she is someone who at the time you two were dating had attachment wounding issues. But she is married now and you do not know what healing journey she embarked on during the years between your breakup and now. Because it bothers you so much, it might be something worthwhile to discuss with a therapist. Otherwise, just give her space and interact with the other parents. |
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Post by buzzmu on Apr 3, 2024 2:08:52 GMT
I think the easiest way to understand this is she probably has mental health issues. So she handles things differently than you do, and in a way that feels foreign but in reality is mainly incompatible. Try not to take it too personally, and focus on your own growth since school instead. Thanks, I've only seen reactions like that to people who were assholes or just flat out abusive, so I was a little hurt about it, but I get it now.
That's really sad to hear. Out of all of my ex's I think she was the hardest to get over. It wasn't just the lack of closure either. This was one of the few ex's I was pretty good friends with before we started dating. After that day at the festival I was extremely hurt at how she treated me, but I also just really missed my once good friend as well.
I did stumble upon attachment theory about 8 years after we stopped talking and it gave me the closure I had been unable to find myself. I'm guessing the fact she is acting this way means she never got any help?
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Post by buzzmu on Apr 3, 2024 2:21:54 GMT
I never said she owed me anything. I've run into old girlfriends, never have I seen someone react the way she is towards me. I've always considered myself a good guy. I was always respectful, I treated her no differently then any of my ex's. While I'm not friends with most of my ex's, we have always been polite and caught up when our paths crossed. Its just a nice trip down memory lane. My FA ex, I treated no differently then any other ex. I was always respectful, I never ever pushed them to do something they weren't comfortable with. I respected their boundaries. I bring this up because some of the guys she went with in between us, well lets say they did not respect her boundaries. Speaking of respecting her boundaries. She made it clear she doesn't want to talk to me, I have absolutely no plans to force that. But here is the thing, apparently our kids now go to the same exact school. It’s not a big school, highly likely I am going to keep running into her. I can't understand why someone would have such a strong reaction to me all these years later. I was nothing but a gentlemen to her, and I am just confused how she could act this way 18 years later. It’s not like we broke up a month ago. But again, why does it matter? If she chooses not to interact with you, she has a right to that choice. But I find it so curious that you are still viewing her through a very old lens. She isn’t “FA”…she is someone who at the time you two were dating had attachment wounding issues. But she is married now and you do not know what healing journey she embarked on during the years between your breakup and now. Because it bothers you so much, it might be something worthwhile to discuss with a therapist. Otherwise, just give her space and interact with the other parents. I don't understand why you have such latent hostility. If you really have to know she was the first person I feel in love with. Top it off that she was a good friend before we started dating. I already went to therapy many many years ago to help get over her. While I was caught off guard seeing her at first. I had been excited to catch up, but couldn't understand why she was acting that way towards me.
Are we not on an FA forum, the word FA gets thrown around constantly, why are you attacking me for using a word you have used lets see... 5 hours ago?
Regardless I gave her space and made a forum post about it. I don't think a therapist is going to care about that too much. |
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Post by tnr9 on Apr 3, 2024 2:28:37 GMT
But again, why does it matter? If she chooses not to interact with you, she has a right to that choice. But I find it so curious that you are still viewing her through a very old lens. She isn’t “FA”…she is someone who at the time you two were dating had attachment wounding issues. But she is married now and you do not know what healing journey she embarked on during the years between your breakup and now. Because it bothers you so much, it might be something worthwhile to discuss with a therapist. Otherwise, just give her space and interact with the other parents. I don't understand why you have such latent hostility. If you really have to know she was the first person I feel in love with. Top it off that she was a good friend before we started dating. I already went to therapy many many years ago to help get over her. While I was caught off guard seeing her at first. I had been excited to catch up, but couldn't understand why she was acting that way towards me.
Are we not on an FA forum, the word FA gets thrown around constantly, why are you attacking me for using a word you have used lets see... 5 hours ago?
Regardless I gave her space and made a forum post about it. I don't think a therapist is going to care about that too much. I am not attacking you….i am pointing out that 1. FA is an attachment, it isn’t the person and 2. 18 years is a really long time to hold onto a particular perspective on someone. I find it interesting that you are being defensive about my curiosity and taking my words as being hostile when they are simply comments from an active member in this community. I also find it curious that after alexandra posted her response…you still feel the need to ask about her getting treatment. Sometimes it is best just to leave things be. |
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Post by buzzmu on Apr 3, 2024 2:41:08 GMT
I don't understand why you have such latent hostility. If you really have to know she was the first person I feel in love with. Top it off that she was a good friend before we started dating. I already went to therapy many many years ago to help get over her. While I was caught off guard seeing her at first. I had been excited to catch up, but couldn't understand why she was acting that way towards me.
Are we not on an FA forum, the word FA gets thrown around constantly, why are you attacking me for using a word you have used lets see... 5 hours ago?
Regardless I gave her space and made a forum post about it. I don't think a therapist is going to care about that too much. I am not attacking you….i am pointing out that 1. FA is an attachment, it isn’t the person and 2. 18 years is a really long time to hold onto a particular perspective on someone. I find it interesting that you are being defensive about my curiosity and taking my words as being hostile when they are simply comments from an active member in this community. I also find it curious that after alexandra posted her response…you still feel the need to ask about her getting treatment. Sometimes it is best just to leave things be. This forum is littered with people talking about FA exs. I don't see you correcting them, just my post. Like every other post is someone talking about an FA ex. I used the language I saw here. I don't understand why you had to call me out for repeating whats already been said. Because its the only perspective I have on her? I haven't talked to her or seen her in 18 years. Because I have empathy, she was a very important part of my life once and finding out she has some mental health issues, it makes me sad for her. I don't understand whats so harmful about me asking questions, I am not going to force her into therapy.
Like I said she setup a boundary of not wanting to talk and I will respect that. Doesn't mean I can't be disappointed. Doesn't mean I am not sad that this person who was once an important part of my life is going out of her way to avoid me so many years later. |
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Post by anne12 on Apr 3, 2024 4:49:05 GMT
“She just stared at me, her voice while talking to the teacher was so robotic and monotone. It was weird…” None of you expected to see/meet each other at the same school…and therefore was surprised to see each other after all these years, right ? The freeze response: jebkinnisonforum.com/post/23604/Some People can loose their ability to speak or hear. The cranial nerve that activates the voice box and/or the inner ear, can shut down. It can be difficult to express ANYTHING, and make any kind of social engagement People living in This state can have difficulty communicating their distress and staying precent when IT happens. Maybe / it sounds like She had a primitive instinctive reaction when She saw you for various different reasons (fight, flight, freeze ect.) jebkinnisonforum.com/post/25484/“The primitive instinctive reactions comes from the reptile brain (reptile brain, brain stem). We are more developed than reptiles, so we inhibits and nuances our reactions. We do so to the extent that, the rational part of the brain is able to get on the track. The challenge is that there are not very many connections between the instinctive part of the brain and our rational part. In addition, it is the emergency route twice as fast as the road to the cerebral cortex (where we can perceive things consciously). The emergency route goes straight down to the brain stem and the instinctive level. Therefore, instinktive reactions sometimes overwhelm us. Especially when the impact comes surprisingly (it comes suddenly, or we are busy with something else). So, we react before the information reaching to the cerebral cortex prefrontal patch) = our consciousness! The instinctive reactions are sexual attraction, flight, fight and freeze. It may be that you stay completely blank and do not know what to say if your dream guy/girl comes to talk to you (freeze). Or you hurry to get away if she seems interested in you (flee). Or you answer with a quick remark if he holds your gaze a little too long (fight). It may be, that you stay completely blanked at the department meeting and do not know what to say if everyone looks at you (stiffen/freeze). Or you feel stuck and afraid in the dental chair and can not breathe (stiffen/freeze). Maybe you want to get away, if you have to talk to many people (escape/flee). Or you always attack verbally if you are / feel criticised (battle/fight). Stress reactions belong to this category. If your colleague talks to you in an angry tone of voice or your boss yells at you. Conversely, these instinctive reactions can lead to a stress condition if they are understated. There are many, many other daily situations that root in the primitive instinctive reactions. Fortunately, you may be much better able to control your instinctive reactions, so you can respond appropriately. It is about balancing this part of the nervous system” The freeze response- jebkinnisonforum.com/post/23604/ |
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Post by anne12 on Apr 3, 2024 8:49:27 GMT
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Post by buzzmu on Apr 3, 2024 14:42:39 GMT
“She just stared at me, her voice while talking to the teacher was so robotic and monotone. It was weird…” None of you expected to see/meet each other at the same school…and therefore was surprised to see each other after all these years, right ? Maybe / it sounds like She had a primitive instinctive reaction when She saw you for various different reasons (fight, flight, freeze ect.) I can't speak for her but I had no idea she now lived in the same area, let alone had a son the same age. I always thought of PTSD responses as coming from abuse or something very traumatic like war or something. From what I can see it certainly sounds like a freeze response that night. I could maybe see it being a flight response a few weeks later.
I was always incredibly respectful, I don't think I ever raised my voice at her, let alone harmed her physically, or any of my ex's for that matter. I'm struggling to understand why she would have that strong of a reaction 18 years later. Did I do something wrong?
I don't want to upset her, I will do my absolute best to stay away from her. I feel awful that I am causing that strong of a reaction.
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Post by lovebunny on Apr 3, 2024 14:56:49 GMT
A couple weeks ago, I found myself in close quarters with the woman who, 12 years ago, I was deeply infatuated with. I was married to a man at the time, she and I had a brief affair (nearly wrecked my faltering marriage, we stayed together 2 years after.) This woman, she had narcissistic traits, it ended badly for me. For years, I couldn't be in the same area with her without it causing a physical disturbance. I still feel that way about my most recent ex, the sight of his car driving by on a busy road sends my adrenaline shooting.
BUT, the ex from 12 years ago? Now, I didn't even notice her or recognize her at first until I heard her voice and looked closely. I felt absolutely nothing. No nervous system response, and most certainly, no desire to think about what SHE was thinking being near me, no desire to connect or catch up or do anything but go "huh. there's that chick" and go on with my life.
My point is, 18 years is a long time to still have any sort of feelings or thoughts or anything about an ex, even if it was your first love. You guys were kids!!! You're a married person with children, and I wonder why this is taking up any amount of your bandwidth? It might be worth examining, and nipping it in the bud. Especially if you're going to be living in the same area now.
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Post by Deleted on Apr 3, 2024 14:59:10 GMT
Absolutely nobody can be inside her head to explain her. Nobody was there to know if you did something "wrong". Nobody knows. You don't know. This is yours to accept or obsess over. You choose.
I tend to think the real issue you're struggling with is an inability to let go of this. You might explore techniques for releasing the past and releasing others from your expectations or preferences. Analyzing her psychology will lead you nowhere. I find it surprising you would make such a big deal of it, to be honest. You two are strangers after all these years, like it or not. Deal with her as any stranger, and if she's an impolite stranger, then live and let live and don't take it personally. People are standoffish in many situations, and it's your own mind making this a problem. It simply doesn't need to be a big deal, and the fact that it bothers you so much might be a reason to explore your own triggers.
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Post by buzzmu on Apr 3, 2024 15:56:49 GMT
My point is, 18 years is a long time to still have any sort of feelings or thoughts or anything about an ex, even if it was your first love. You guys were kids!!! You're a married person with children, and I wonder why this is taking up any amount of your bandwidth? It might be worth examining, and nipping it in the bud. Especially if you're going to be living in the same area now. That's kind of why I am here, I didn't have an extreme reaction she did. I was caught off guard, sure. But I recovered quickly her behavior towards me is just very confusing and I am just trying to understand it out of curiosity. I have said this several times I don't plan on contacting her or talking to her. I am just a naturally curious person.
Its probably my ADHD, I am an engineer, when I see something I don't understand I like to read up on it and get a basic idea about it. I understand no one can be in her head. I understand no one can tell me exactly why she is acting the way she is, but asking questions on a forum of people who tend to act like her or are familiar with people who act like her does no harm to anyone.
I would happily deal with her as a stranger, I deal with strangers all the time. The thing is I don't have strangers stare at me and go out of their way to avoid me, then continue to stare at me. We had a few more encounters around town over the past few months that didn't seem worth mentioning, as it was more of the same avoid and stare. I think anyone in my position would be confused/curious why someone is acting that way towards them. Let alone a person who was once a big part of their life. Her behavior has gone past impolite and starting to go into creepy territory.
Given what alexandra said It seems like treating her as a creepy stranger would be detrimental to her. So out of consideration to her, given our past, I am trying to understand the implications of her actions and come to terms with how she is acting towards me.
Her actions still have an affect on me and I don't think telling me to ignore the stranger repeatedly staring at me in public is great advice either.
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