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Post by hoxtonchris on May 3, 2024 11:06:10 GMT
Hi all my first day here ,I have been involved with a distant avoidant for ten years,it never went to anything more than”just friends” but I had much deeper feelings than that,I’m advised my biggest mistake was telling her!she emediatly emphasised the friendship thing but I never gave up,but what hurt most was when we met up ,not very often,at hello goodbye time she swerved even my friendship peck on the lips yet she told me of her affair with a married man and that she once lived with a guy for 5 years,she told me I was a fit good looking guy and I am clean with good dental hygiene so why the kiss swerve?I also found her untrustworthy,I found she was seeing this married guy when I met her even tho I asked her if she had anyone special in her life,I have also learned on YouTube vids that the da prefers unobtainable men ,my question now tho is I am reading da can be promiscuous as a way of avoiding intimate regular relationships ,anyone know the truth?
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Post by kirrok on May 3, 2024 18:12:58 GMT
Do you have a question about your own attachment style?
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Post by Deleted on May 3, 2024 18:36:14 GMT
Sure, some can be, some aren't, doesn't matter really. If someone isn't into you and you chase them you've got some issues of your own, no?
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Post by alexandra on May 3, 2024 19:21:58 GMT
Usually emotionally unavailable people attract each other. Generally, avoidant people like anxious (otherwise nothing gets started up at all), anxious like avoidant (they like to chase and pine and long for someone), no style likes people actually potentially available to them. It has nothing to do with your value, hygiene, or traditional level of attractiveness. She wants a married man she can't fully have, you have wanted her for 10 years though she's not interested.
Have you been dating others or just waiting for her? Do you feel you are deserving of something more than 10 years of hoping?
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Post by hoxtonchris on May 4, 2024 8:02:35 GMT
I feel my post may not be understood as I intended,I should have simplified my question thus,,,,I read that the distant avoidant dose not like committed relationships preferring shor non commital ones and if long term then preferring unobtainable people such as married or in relationships,also if the da has physical needs they prefer short term even one night stands to regular committed physical relationships
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Post by lovebunny on May 4, 2024 12:57:30 GMT
We understand the question.But you're missing the point.
You say you have been "involved" with this "friend" for 10 years. You told her you were interested in her, she said she only wants to be friends. Why wasn't that the end of the story? WHY she doesn't want you is irrelevant, and who she DOES decide to have relationships with isn't your business. She doesn't owe you honest answers to your questions about her love life. And she doesn't kiss you on the lips (swerves) because she is NOT INTERESTED in you sexually. Why don't you respect that, instead of "never gave up?" You've wasted 10 years, when you could have been working on yourself, turning yourself into someone who can recognize and attract a woman who wants you back.
I understand that you want to know WHY. YOU want HER, and that's all that matters to you. So you try to get her to catch feelings for you by posing as her "friend" when really, the whole time, you're looking for a way in. You try to analyze her personality, her choices, her childhood, her relationship history to figure out how to get to sleep with her. What if you just play it cool, will that make her love you? What if you just become "friends with benefits," will that make her love you? The answer to all this, by the way, is probably not. Meanwhile, how does that feel to you, to know that she knows you want her, and she's just keeping you around as a "friend?"
Maybe she's avoidant. Maybe she's in love with someone else. Maybe she just isn't into you. That's her decision to make, and yours to accept.
The question you should be asking yourself is this: Why have I pursued someone who isn't interested in me for 10 years, and why don't I respect when a woman says she isn't interested in me?
If it helps to tell yourself she's DA and only wants to sleep with married men, fine. Tell yourself that, do the work you need to do to move on from her, and next time when a woman says she's not interested, move on faster.
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Post by hoxtonchris on May 7, 2024 18:10:41 GMT
Love bunny I am not sure you have got the gist of my post still,I accept it’s friends only,neither of us fancied the other sexuely but I had deep feelings for her,my problem to simplify it is after all these years of close friendship why did I still get the swerve at the slightest brush of lips,why when she says I’m “ the best person in her life “ does she only invite me to her house or caravan when something needs doing? When I first met her we said we would build friendship first then “who knows” at this I asked if there was a man in her life she said there wasn’t,I later found out she was involved with a married man while seeing me.I understand you trying to defend her but I assure you she is the epitome of a distant avoidant,I came on this site to read other people’s experience of the da,but so far all I have seen is posters trying to defend the da,I’m wondering if this site has more avoidant than those of us who are avoided
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Post by cherrycola on May 7, 2024 18:16:11 GMT
I preferred married men because they were safe. There was no actual future there so I am free to long and pine for them as much as I want. It was a fantasy and I wasn't in touch with myself on any level to be able to see through this. I had a long term partner and yet I continued to fall into limerance with other people, over and over.
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Post by alexandra on May 7, 2024 19:30:41 GMT
No one was defending avoidance. They're saying it takes 2 to tango in dysfunctional dynamics and tried to guide you to look at the only side of things you can control, which is yours and your responses.
I was textbook anxious forever but left a friendship where the guy eventually admitted he had feelings still and was hoping for a couple years I'd change my mind about dating him. I didn't want to because I knew we were incompatible early on and told him I was only interested in friendship. Sure, he's still a nice enough person, but to find out he was trying to wait me out so I'd change my mind was icky: I couldn't trust him, he was never really my friend like I thought as he had an agenda, he was only hanging around for his own sake because he wanted something from me, and he didn't believe I knew my own mind well enough even though I'm a grown woman. So yes, I'd have avoided his lips if he tried that! That part has nothing to do with being avoidant and everything to do with disrespecting someone and their boundaries. That has nothing to do with her own issues and avoidant tendencies and whether or not she can be in a committed, available, functional, mature, or serious adult romantic relationship. She can be avoidant and only chase married men without it having to do with anything about you, and without it leading to her avoiding physical affection with you that's a step further then just platonic (I'm also from a culture where we don't usually kiss friends, I know it's more common in certain other cultures).
The most promiscuous people I've ever met have been FA because they seek external validation, both want and fear connection, and may lack object constancy and lose feelings, so they get close then push away and try again with someone else. Plus novelty and variety help them feel intense emotions that may otherwise be hard to access. AP can be promiscuous too if they're love addicts and think being physical will get partners to stay and believe sex reflects attachment. DA I've known have been least promiscuous because they don't always seek romantic interpersonal connection, and they definitely aren't seeking external validation, they may prefer being on their own. But all insecure attachment styles have their own problems, maladaptions, and lack of emotional availability. That's why, knowing she doesn't want the same things as you in life, you're best focusing on yourself.
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Post by tnr9 on May 7, 2024 19:58:44 GMT
Love bunny I am not sure you have got the gist of my post still,I accept it’s friends only,neither of us fancied the other sexuely but I had deep feelings for her,my problem to simplify it is after all these years of close friendship why did I still get the swerve at the slightest brush of lips,why when she says I’m “ the best person in her life “ does she only invite me to her house or caravan when something needs doing? When I first met her we said we would build friendship first then “who knows” at this I asked if there was a man in her life she said there wasn’t,I later found out she was involved with a married man while seeing me.I understand you trying to defend her but I assure you she is the epitome of a distant avoidant,I came on this site to read other people’s experience of the da,but so far all I have seen is posters trying to defend the da,I’m wondering if this site has more avoidant than those of us who are avoided Every single person who is an active member of this site came here initially asking about their ex partner, partner or friend that he or she wished was more…but we have all learned that it really isn’t helpful to focus our attention on someone we cannot change. I recognize that it doesn’t feel as satisfying as trying to figure out the other person, but it is the only way to become free of the insecurity that has trapped you in craving a woman who is obviously not a good fit. |
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