pcs45
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Posts: 4
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Post by pcs45 on May 9, 2024 7:36:06 GMT
Hi all, I (30m) was recently broken up with by my ex (28f) after 4 months of being official and 6 months total dating.
It felt like we were building a healthy relationship albeit at a relatively fast, but natural, pace. We would spend 1/2 nights together a week fitting around busy work schedules and everything felt right (during the relationship I felt completely secure and safe). She admitted within the first months of dating that she struggles with opening up and sharing her emotions but was definitely getting better over time as our relationship built.
Everything was smooth sailing and we had been successfully introducing each other to friendship groups and she met my parents after about 3 months after being official. She had planned for us to go to her parents for a weekend to do the reverse and I was excited to take this next step. It felt like we were peaking leading up to that weekend and felt like a big statement of intent to me as she hadn’t introduced anyone to her parents before.
The weekend went really well for me and I made a great impression with her family (which she said many times). Something changed on the last day before we were supposed to leave to go back home and I felt it immediately in my gut just through her body language but just assumed it was low social batteries after an intense weekend of socialising with family and friends.
Within a day of getting back home she turned the light switch off and said she was having doubts that she felt a romantic connection (out of no where) and that we were incompatible. We had to breakup without possibility of working on anything as the spark could not come back and it wasn’t fair to string me along.
The incompatibilities that she mentioned were surface level things that she would’ve known after 2/3 dates (stuff like sense of humour differences and liking different hobbies) and didn’t feel like dealbreakers although we didn’t have that conversation.
We exchanged a couple of texts post breakup to sort out some logistics but she has gone completely ice cold speaking to me like I’m a business colleague which is not a great feeling. So now I am sat here in NC in a revolving door of thoughts whether this is FA behaviour and would never worked long term, or if she just lost the romantic connection overnight like she claims. My gut says she was spooked by a big event, meeting her parents, and started to think about the future and not the now. I know the result is the same but would appreciate some opinions to help me accept it.
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Post by lovebunny on May 9, 2024 12:17:23 GMT
It certainly sounds as if you got too close, and now, as an FA, she has to pull back. In past r'ships with people who were FA, I noticed them creating distance after anything that drew us deeper into each other's worlds: our first vacation together (heck, one person dumped me right before our first vacation together, than went on the trip with the person they dumped me for,) after moving in together, etc.. Could be meeting the family made it all too real.
I think lots of us here have been "blindsided" by a breakup when we thought everything was going great. I'm sure you understand that the trick now is to turn your thoughts/energy away from her and what she's doing so you can heal, learn and move on to something more reciprocal.
I'm sorry that happened, it really does hurt when someone blindside breaks up like that, whatever the reason.
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Post by leemebe on May 9, 2024 20:23:12 GMT
I'm going to be honest. Fearful avoidants are entirely the worst people to date. I've seen so many justify their cruel cold bullshit. I honestly wish they all just date eachother.
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Post by tnr9 on May 10, 2024 2:42:14 GMT
I'm going to be honest. Fearful avoidants are entirely the worst people to date. I've seen so many justify their cruel cold bullshit. I honestly wish they all just date eachother. I would like to clarify this since there are healing individuals with fearful avoidant attachments as part of this group. Any unaware insecurely attached person is going to come with baggage and will be trying to moderate their nervous system through closeness and distance. This is due to trauma that has not been healed through therapy. However, it truly is possible for individuals who have been unaware insecurely attached individuals to become aware and ultimately to earn secure attachment. The majority of long time participants on this group are healing APs and healing FAs. |
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Post by cherrycola on May 10, 2024 6:06:29 GMT
Try not to take the coldness personally. I know my exes really struggled with that. From their perspective one minute I was there and the next I was ending things and just shut down emotionally. It isn't intentional I just find the emotions of breaking up with someone SO overwhelming I shut down that part of me until I am safely on my own. The most recently thing I ended was 2 years and even after I barely shed a tear. I moved on with my life and felt fine until he sent me an email 4 months later where he showed me compassion and concern, and then everything came back suddenly.
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pcs45
New Member
Posts: 4
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Post by pcs45 on May 10, 2024 6:24:23 GMT
Thanks for all the replies. Finding it really difficult to accept that someone would rather throw away something good and go back to dating other people rather than staying with the ‘only boyfriend they’ve cared about’. I guess it’s completely out of my control and she will continue to do this to other people in the near future.
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pcs45
New Member
Posts: 4
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Post by pcs45 on May 10, 2024 6:27:46 GMT
Try not to take the coldness personally. I know my exes really struggled with that. From their perspective one minute I was there and the next I was ending things and just shut down emotionally. It isn't intentional I just find the emotions of breaking up with someone SO overwhelming I shut down that part of me until I am safely on my own. The most recently thing I ended was 2 years and even after I barely shed a tear. I moved on with my life and felt fine until he sent me an email 4 months later where he showed me compassion and concern, and then everything came back suddenly. The coldness is pretty difficult not to take personally especially when someone is completely there for you and then suddenly it’s like they have died and they are no longer that person for you overnight. And worst of all show absolutely no awareness they are doing it to you. |
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Post by anne12 on May 10, 2024 8:07:43 GMT
Fight, flight, freeze, collapse, shut down, fawn ect. When a person is in this state they are acting from their reptile part of their brain / they are in survival mode. They are not able to use the logical part of the brain (prefrontal cortex) - m.youtube.com/watch?v=WkEcpBU3TpE - Dr. Dan Siegel explains how a reaction to a variety of triggers can bring on a 'Low Road' experience People with some desorganised attatcmentstyle are more prone to go into panic mode and use the load road. If you have too much threat going on in a relationship, you'll lose the part of your brain that's actually interested in connection, intimacy, love, authenticity, and vulnerability. jebkinnisonforum.com/post/17299/jebkinnisonforum.com/post/13491/ - The primitive instinctive reactions and stress The same can happen when a person is under stress ect. jebkinnisonforum.com/post/12359/ - Other possible reasons for trauma/disorganised behavior - also later in life: (fight, flight, freeze (fawn) survival responses) |
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Post by lovebunny on May 10, 2024 13:14:09 GMT
My last insecurely attached relationship (him FA, me AP) lasted 3 years, we lived together the last 9 months of it. As it was ending, he'd say things to me like "This has been the best relationship of my life." Like, as he was holding the door open telling me to get out. It was/is utterly baffling.
I don't think this makes him a bad person. But surely, this is not the best version of him he could be. I don't see him talk to him or look at his social media, but I'm guessing he's happy enough as he is. He wanted to be free to cycle through women, and now he is.
It's hard not to take it personally. Really, really hard. But it really isn't.
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Post by tnr9 on May 10, 2024 19:55:09 GMT
Try not to take the coldness personally. I know my exes really struggled with that. From their perspective one minute I was there and the next I was ending things and just shut down emotionally. It isn't intentional I just find the emotions of breaking up with someone SO overwhelming I shut down that part of me until I am safely on my own. The most recently thing I ended was 2 years and even after I barely shed a tear. I moved on with my life and felt fine until he sent me an email 4 months later where he showed me compassion and concern, and then everything came back suddenly. The coldness is pretty difficult not to take personally especially when someone is completely there for you and then suddenly it’s like they have died and they are no longer that person for you overnight. And worst of all show absolutely no awareness they are doing it to you. But you are still thinking anything she did was about you…or that anything you did was about her…when the reality is that 2 insecure people come together trying to fulfill their own individual needs. You wanted closeness…she originally seemed to offer it when you 2 knew nothing about each other….4 months is really hardly any time at all to learn enough about another person to determine whether you will be compatible. |
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pcs45
New Member
Posts: 4
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Post by pcs45 on May 11, 2024 9:02:56 GMT
The coldness is pretty difficult not to take personally especially when someone is completely there for you and then suddenly it’s like they have died and they are no longer that person for you overnight. And worst of all show absolutely no awareness they are doing it to you. But you are still thinking anything she did was about you…or that anything you did was about her…when the reality is that 2 insecure people come together trying to fulfill their own individual needs. You wanted closeness…she originally seemed to offer it when you 2 knew nothing about each other….4 months is really hardly any time at all to learn enough about another person to determine whether you will be compatible. Hmm yeah I guess, just very shocking when everything felt pretty secure (and I was definitely secure during the relationship) and then out of no where she runs away after a milestone/close moment. Then for me I’ve been almost forced into insecurity now given how unexpected and brutal the turn around was |
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Post by tnr9 on May 11, 2024 22:04:05 GMT
But you are still thinking anything she did was about you…or that anything you did was about her…when the reality is that 2 insecure people come together trying to fulfill their own individual needs. You wanted closeness…she originally seemed to offer it when you 2 knew nothing about each other….4 months is really hardly any time at all to learn enough about another person to determine whether you will be compatible. Hmm yeah I guess, just very shocking when everything felt pretty secure (and I was definitely secure during the relationship) and then out of no where she runs away after a milestone/close moment. Then for me I’ve been almost forced into insecurity now given how unexpected and brutal the turn around was I think you need to do a bit more research on attachment theory. |
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