Post by sandrage on May 11, 2024 18:01:53 GMT
Hi all, thank you for taking the time - I know that nobody here will have all the answers but I would appreciate some insights.
I met a man a year ago via online dating. I'm a very cautious, reserved person and find it difficult to build intimacy. But somehow it was a very good match with him, especially because he opened up. We had a very, very nice summer together, meeting up about once a week. It was intense, good sex (better than ever with anyone else, also according to him), and a very nice feeling of “security”. What I noticed even then was that we had different needs in terms of reassurance and closeness/distance. I had the feeling that after 1.5 weeks of not seeing each other, he got the chance to miss me and be really enthusiastic the first time we met again. It was difficult for me because I have trouble maintaining a connection “mentally” without seeing each other all the time.
Anyway, after about 12 meetings, he asked what I saw us as. So the “What are we?” question. I stammered around a bit because I was overwhelmed. I then emphasized how nice I thought it was with him, but that I was having problems building trust. He then asked if I've been dating anyone else since we've been seeing each other - I said no and he said no and asked about transparency in this regard. It went on like that, which I have to emphasize: I have problems showing affection. So it was usually him who took the initiative on the dates.... With tender gestures, asking if I felt safe with him, often asking if something was too much for me (I often radiate this and I know it).
The problem is: He is an extreme workaholic. Works every free minute and defines himself very much by it (he is an artist). Two weeks after this conversation, he won a major prize. Actually a reason to be happy, because it gave him the opportunity of a very large exhibition. But he didn't feel good about it, felt under pressure and suddenly withdrew. I then became very afraid of losing him and the drama began. :')
I tried to talk to him and said that I suddenly felt very insecure. And that I was afraid of suddenly being ghosted and losing him. Anyway, this conversation changed everything. He said things like: “I think that time will bring something very positive for us.” I realized I was triggering an escape reflex in him (and I know he has a very very bad image of relationships aka that can only end in severe pain). The next meeting was very strange. He said with tears in his eyes that he can't stop thinking about it, that he's talked about it a lot with his friends and is desperate to explain to me that his changed behavior has nothing to do with me, but with his stress. That he doesn't want me to feel like this and so on. But in the same breath, he then remarked that he was just writing to someone on Tinder again for the first time since we met ("and doesn't have time to meet up anyway). Somehow that pulled the rug out from under my feet and I did something very... rash. After this meeting, I wrote a very dry short message, in which I ended it with “it's all too complicated too soon”, or something like that. A few days later, I received very emotional messages from him at night. That he thought I was afraid of being left just like that without saying anything - and now I'm doing the same thing. And thank you for the wonderful time, etc. That he thought he had explained that it was due to his stress, that I decided to end it all by myself. Well, that was it for now. It was over and I tried to put it behind me. But of course I still had to think about him all the time.
Four months later, I decided to write to him again - I looked in my archive on WhatsApp and saw that he had also written to me a week earlier. We then met up and discussed what had happened. He said that I was the closest person in his life at the time, that I had dumped him, etc. I apologized and explained my side of things. It was a very sad date. He said he was not looking for a relationship anymore. We then had sex, but it felt wrong afterwards because the entire basis of trust was gone. We then had another date that felt similar. Then another break. I wrote to him again 1.5 months ago. How he was doing, etc. We've been seeing each other again since then. The first time we met again, he said he felt insecure about if for me it was just about sex (the two meetings in winter had felt like that), that he would like to see each other more regularly and suggested that we do something outside first.
Then we met up more often to play table tennis. It was very bumpy and awkward and strange at first. We agreed that we wanted to rebuild a basis of trust. and we also discussed the fact that neither of us are actually able to separate physically and emotionally. Then last week it felt more familiar again for the first time. With more laughter, physical contact, compliments... We slept together again for the first time. I miss us, he said. It was very nice - but afterwards I was overcome with emotion again :') I cried, we cuddled and I said that I found it confusing that it felt so awkward at times, then again as familiar as last summer... He said he perceives it the same way, but just thinks we need more time. Without me bringing it up, he's also emphasized several times that he's working on not working so much anymore, but taking more time. And that he wants us to take a “relaxed” approach and not overthink everything. That I should say straight away if something is too much for me (he doesn't understand that some things are too little for me). We met up again the day before yesterday and for the first time it was really intimate and relaxed and nice again. Tender kisses on the forehead, wants to fix my lamp, packed me a bag of sweets to say goodbye (lol). During the meeting and the cuddling, he very often emphasized how nice he thought it was.
But here's the big problem: his messaging behavior is literally driving me crazy. I know that not everyone is as addicted to cell phones as I am. But it just makes me so nervous that we hardly ever write. When I write, I usually get a reply within five minutes. But he never writes by himself. I was the one initiating the last few dates. And I don't know how to interpret it all.
He's important to me, I really like him - apart from the intense chemistry, I think he's great. But if it's always me who contacts him - can I even be important to him?
BTW: I know that I obviously have severe problems with attachment. And have been working on it in therapy for four years.
I met a man a year ago via online dating. I'm a very cautious, reserved person and find it difficult to build intimacy. But somehow it was a very good match with him, especially because he opened up. We had a very, very nice summer together, meeting up about once a week. It was intense, good sex (better than ever with anyone else, also according to him), and a very nice feeling of “security”. What I noticed even then was that we had different needs in terms of reassurance and closeness/distance. I had the feeling that after 1.5 weeks of not seeing each other, he got the chance to miss me and be really enthusiastic the first time we met again. It was difficult for me because I have trouble maintaining a connection “mentally” without seeing each other all the time.
Anyway, after about 12 meetings, he asked what I saw us as. So the “What are we?” question. I stammered around a bit because I was overwhelmed. I then emphasized how nice I thought it was with him, but that I was having problems building trust. He then asked if I've been dating anyone else since we've been seeing each other - I said no and he said no and asked about transparency in this regard. It went on like that, which I have to emphasize: I have problems showing affection. So it was usually him who took the initiative on the dates.... With tender gestures, asking if I felt safe with him, often asking if something was too much for me (I often radiate this and I know it).
The problem is: He is an extreme workaholic. Works every free minute and defines himself very much by it (he is an artist). Two weeks after this conversation, he won a major prize. Actually a reason to be happy, because it gave him the opportunity of a very large exhibition. But he didn't feel good about it, felt under pressure and suddenly withdrew. I then became very afraid of losing him and the drama began. :')
I tried to talk to him and said that I suddenly felt very insecure. And that I was afraid of suddenly being ghosted and losing him. Anyway, this conversation changed everything. He said things like: “I think that time will bring something very positive for us.” I realized I was triggering an escape reflex in him (and I know he has a very very bad image of relationships aka that can only end in severe pain). The next meeting was very strange. He said with tears in his eyes that he can't stop thinking about it, that he's talked about it a lot with his friends and is desperate to explain to me that his changed behavior has nothing to do with me, but with his stress. That he doesn't want me to feel like this and so on. But in the same breath, he then remarked that he was just writing to someone on Tinder again for the first time since we met ("and doesn't have time to meet up anyway). Somehow that pulled the rug out from under my feet and I did something very... rash. After this meeting, I wrote a very dry short message, in which I ended it with “it's all too complicated too soon”, or something like that. A few days later, I received very emotional messages from him at night. That he thought I was afraid of being left just like that without saying anything - and now I'm doing the same thing. And thank you for the wonderful time, etc. That he thought he had explained that it was due to his stress, that I decided to end it all by myself. Well, that was it for now. It was over and I tried to put it behind me. But of course I still had to think about him all the time.
Four months later, I decided to write to him again - I looked in my archive on WhatsApp and saw that he had also written to me a week earlier. We then met up and discussed what had happened. He said that I was the closest person in his life at the time, that I had dumped him, etc. I apologized and explained my side of things. It was a very sad date. He said he was not looking for a relationship anymore. We then had sex, but it felt wrong afterwards because the entire basis of trust was gone. We then had another date that felt similar. Then another break. I wrote to him again 1.5 months ago. How he was doing, etc. We've been seeing each other again since then. The first time we met again, he said he felt insecure about if for me it was just about sex (the two meetings in winter had felt like that), that he would like to see each other more regularly and suggested that we do something outside first.
Then we met up more often to play table tennis. It was very bumpy and awkward and strange at first. We agreed that we wanted to rebuild a basis of trust. and we also discussed the fact that neither of us are actually able to separate physically and emotionally. Then last week it felt more familiar again for the first time. With more laughter, physical contact, compliments... We slept together again for the first time. I miss us, he said. It was very nice - but afterwards I was overcome with emotion again :') I cried, we cuddled and I said that I found it confusing that it felt so awkward at times, then again as familiar as last summer... He said he perceives it the same way, but just thinks we need more time. Without me bringing it up, he's also emphasized several times that he's working on not working so much anymore, but taking more time. And that he wants us to take a “relaxed” approach and not overthink everything. That I should say straight away if something is too much for me (he doesn't understand that some things are too little for me). We met up again the day before yesterday and for the first time it was really intimate and relaxed and nice again. Tender kisses on the forehead, wants to fix my lamp, packed me a bag of sweets to say goodbye (lol). During the meeting and the cuddling, he very often emphasized how nice he thought it was.
But here's the big problem: his messaging behavior is literally driving me crazy. I know that not everyone is as addicted to cell phones as I am. But it just makes me so nervous that we hardly ever write. When I write, I usually get a reply within five minutes. But he never writes by himself. I was the one initiating the last few dates. And I don't know how to interpret it all.
He's important to me, I really like him - apart from the intense chemistry, I think he's great. But if it's always me who contacts him - can I even be important to him?
BTW: I know that I obviously have severe problems with attachment. And have been working on it in therapy for four years.
