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Post by unsentletters on May 14, 2024 1:39:08 GMT
Some background: She knows she’s FA but she’s largely unaware. I’ll spare the details of relationship because it was pretty similiar to the general timeline and narrative of events in including a light switch blindside breakup after honeymoon stage in which all romantic feelings for me were gone in an instant.
About 6 months post BU, we reconciled as friends. She’s adamant she has no romantic interest in me but when we hang out at a bar there is mutual leg contact the entire time. What is going on here? I suspect her feelings for me may still be suppressed pretty deep (she still hasn’t felt emotional effect of BU) but there’s still attraction which comes out after a couple drinks. Thoughts?
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Post by Deleted on May 14, 2024 14:06:33 GMT
Some background: She knows she’s FA but she’s largely unaware. I’ll spare the details of relationship because it was pretty similiar to the general timeline and narrative of events in including a light switch blindside breakup after honeymoon stage in which all romantic feelings for me were gone in an instant. About 6 months post BU, we reconciled as friends. She’s adamant she has no romantic interest in me but when we hang out at a bar there is mutual leg contact the entire time. What is going on here? I suspect her feelings for me may still be suppressed pretty deep (she still hasn’t felt emotional effect of BU) but there’s still attraction which comes out after a couple drinks. Thoughts? Attraction that comes out after a few drinks. Legs touching while hanging out at a bar? Sounds dumb, sounds like exactly what it is. Sounds like nothing more than alcohol induced bad boundaries in someone who is patently unavailable. |
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Post by alexandra on May 14, 2024 15:37:58 GMT
Why are you interested in someone who is only affectionate when drunk and doesn't otherwise meet any of your needs? You deserve more than those tiny breadcrumbs.
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Post by tnr9 on May 14, 2024 19:29:38 GMT
Some background: She knows she’s FA but she’s largely unaware. I’ll spare the details of relationship because it was pretty similiar to the general timeline and narrative of events in including a light switch blindside breakup after honeymoon stage in which all romantic feelings for me were gone in an instant. About 6 months post BU, we reconciled as friends. She’s adamant she has no romantic interest in me but when we hang out at a bar there is mutual leg contact the entire time. What is going on here? I suspect her feelings for me may still be suppressed pretty deep (she still hasn’t felt emotional effect of BU) but there’s still attraction which comes out after a couple drinks. Thoughts? Honestly….flirting is something that B did post breakup….but he did not see it as anything more than that. The mixed signals came from me trying to interpret his behavior as something more and not making my boundaries clear. I suspect if you were to ask her outright, she would tell you it is simply friendly flirting. What exactly are you trying to get out of being friends? Especially if you still have feelings about her. |
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Post by unsentletters on May 19, 2024 14:15:20 GMT
Why are you interested in someone who is only affectionate when drunk and doesn't otherwise meet any of your needs? You deserve more than those tiny breadcrumbs. Agreed on the bad boundaries and unavailability. With the drunk flirting, I’ve reflected and think it’s cognitive dissonance on both sides, one who hasn’t quite moved on and the other who instead of processing the breakup, suppressed everything. |
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Post by tnr9 on May 20, 2024 1:42:48 GMT
Why are you interested in someone who is only affectionate when drunk and doesn't otherwise meet any of your needs? You deserve more than those tiny breadcrumbs. Agreed on the bad boundaries and unavailability. With the drunk flirting, I’ve reflected and think it’s cognitive dissonance on both sides, one who hasn’t quite moved on and the other who instead of processing the breakup, suppressed everything. It is not uncommon for unaware FAs to be flirtatious post a breakup. Usually it is about keeping what was good without any commitment to activate the fear of being engulfed. What would be best is if you can decide what you want….because focusing and analyzing his behaviors will simply keep you stuck. |
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Post by unsentletters on May 20, 2024 14:22:31 GMT
Agreed on the bad boundaries and unavailability. With the drunk flirting, I’ve reflected and think it’s cognitive dissonance on both sides, one who hasn’t quite moved on and the other who instead of processing the breakup, suppressed everything. It is not uncommon for unaware FAs to be flirtatious post a breakup. Usually it is about keeping what was good without any commitment to activate the fear of being engulfed. What would be best is if you can decide what you want….because focusing and analyzing his behaviors will simply keep you stuck. So basically the flirting is lumped in with friendship, support, validation, etc - the “good” parts of you and the relationship they’d like to keep without the triggers, commitment, etc? Like everything with FAs it’s about exerting control over space and distance to feel safe and control emotions. And thanks I’ve already decided this friendship isn’t going to work for me, have to guard my peace. Like many I’ve found myself fascinated by the psychological mechanisms. |
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Post by tnr9 on May 20, 2024 17:19:37 GMT
It is not uncommon for unaware FAs to be flirtatious post a breakup. Usually it is about keeping what was good without any commitment to activate the fear of being engulfed. What would be best is if you can decide what you want….because focusing and analyzing his behaviors will simply keep you stuck. So basically the flirting is lumped in with friendship, support, validation, etc - the “good” parts of you and the relationship they’d like to keep without the triggers, commitment, etc? Like everything with FAs it’s about exerting control over space and distance to feel safe and control emotions. And thanks I’ve already decided this friendship isn’t going to work for me, have to guard my peace. Like many I’ve found myself fascinated by the psychological mechanisms. Exerting control implies that it is a choice….when it really isn’t. So much of what we (humans) do everyday is automatic and not something we make a choice about unless we become curious and aware. Aware FAs ( and there are lots on these boards, including myself) realize that those warning signs are internal and started a very long time ago….so we work on healing that trauma from decades ago. |
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Post by unsentletters on May 20, 2024 17:34:40 GMT
So basically the flirting is lumped in with friendship, support, validation, etc - the “good” parts of you and the relationship they’d like to keep without the triggers, commitment, etc? Like everything with FAs it’s about exerting control over space and distance to feel safe and control emotions. And thanks I’ve already decided this friendship isn’t going to work for me, have to guard my peace. Like many I’ve found myself fascinated by the psychological mechanisms. Exerting control implies that it is a choice….when it really isn’t. So much of what we (humans) do everyday is automatic and not something we make a choice about unless we become curious and aware. Aware FAs ( and there are lots on these boards, including myself) realize that those warning signs are internal and started a very long time ago….so we work on healing that trauma from decades ago. I’ll clarify I meant it happens on a subconscious level. Was only referring to the action itself. |
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