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Post by reddevil on May 19, 2024 13:06:09 GMT
-- removed for privacy reasons --. Thanks for the responses!
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Post by alexandra on May 19, 2024 17:58:36 GMT
It doesn't sound like anything happened that you didn't already notice over time, but you didn't know how to interpret it prior to finding attachment theory or perhaps weren't in tune to listening to your gut. Simply put, you have different relationship needs and capacities, and it can take some time getting to know each other to learn that. Break ups suck to be sure, but they're for the best in the long run when people have incompatible needs.
What you describe probably is avoidant, but ultimately there was a lack of true vulnerability and of good communication between you two. She has walls up to avoid feeling vulnerable, and she uses people pleasing to deflect conflict and negative feelings and to avoid communicating her needs (she may not know her needs or may not want to rock the boat due to a childhood of unmet needs and punishment for trying to get them met). She also either has a strict routine to keep herself regulated and manage her own mental health, or to try to clamp down and control things as much as possible because she feels a lot of her life is outside her control. Whether or not she wants to change, she's not ready yet, so she gave you what she had and it didn't work out or meet your needs. There's nothing wrong with that, the reason people seriously date is to figure out if they are compatible.
What you've described is a typical dynamic in avoidant and anxious pairings. Everything is great during the honeymoon period, but the underlying foundation never grows beyond that because of the fears on both sides. The next step, besides mourning the relationship, is to eventually reflect on if this was a one-off situation or if you tend to choose partners who are emotionally unavailable and end up not being a good match for the type of relationship you want. If you have a pattern of that, it likely stems from having an anxious insecure attachment style, and breaking out of it involves focus inward on yourself rather than outward on other partners.
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Post by reddevil on May 19, 2024 19:43:43 GMT
It makes sense to me what you are saying, and I agree. In the end it is just a matter of incompatible needs and the lack of true (emotional) vulnerability which I was longing for, which she could not provide. I do have a history of being anxious (also in relationships) and also had very low self esteem growing up. After my own share of problems, I went to therapy and did a lot of introspection after that. I did find my self worth back over time and luckily I can validate myself nowadays. Sometimes I do find myself looking for external validation, but I am aware of that and know that I have to give it to myself.
In my history of dating after my last long term relationship (after therapy), I felt not very anxious anymore. but this was the first time I was very much in love again so it is hard to say. I am still left with some sort of 'savior complex' where I feel it is my job to help others overcome their problems. This can also be a very good reason she felt smothered by me but never told me. But she certainly triggered anxious behavior in myself again, and that is something I need/want to work on. Because you speak truth in that I might keep falling in love with partners that are emotionally unavailable.
You left me with a lot to think and reflect about, thank you for that. I will mourn this relationship and I have some work to do. In the end it does not matter if she was truly avoidant or not, in the end it was a lesson for me to give myself what I look for in a partner. So that I don't miss the 'signs' that were present all along.
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Post by tnr9 on May 19, 2024 22:01:57 GMT
It makes sense to me what you are saying, and I agree. In the end it is just a matter of incompatible needs and the lack of true (emotional) vulnerability which I was longing for, which she could not provide. I do have a history of being anxious (also in relationships) and also had very low self esteem growing up. After my own share of problems, I went to therapy and did a lot of introspection after that. I did find my self worth back over time and luckily I can validate myself nowadays. Sometimes I do find myself looking for external validation, but I am aware of that and know that I have to give it to myself. In my history of dating after my last long term relationship (after therapy), I felt not very anxious anymore. but this was the first time I was very much in love again so it is hard to say. I am still left with some sort of 'savior complex' where I feel it is my job to help others overcome their problems. This can also be a very good reason she felt smothered by me but never told me. But she certainly triggered anxious behavior in myself again, and that is something I need/want to work on. Because you speak truth in that I might keep falling in love with partners that are emotionally unavailable. You left me with a lot to think and reflect about, thank you for that. I will mourn this relationship and I have some work to do. In the end it does not matter if she was truly avoidant or not, in the end it was a lesson for me to give myself what I look for in a partner. So that I don't miss the 'signs' that were present all along. I think what truly happened is you were triggered within yourself by a pattern that ties back to your own trauma and is not specifically “her” because you have a pattern of falling into an insecure relationship dynamic. The best advice I can provide is to remove her as the reason for your anxiety when it truly comes down to trying to regulate your own nervous system by taking on a savior role. A savior role usually indicates that you feel responsible for the other person which is more about knowing where you “end” and another person “begins”. Being able to heal from that will require some internal boundary work. I actually had an issue with enmeshment with my mom and in order to heal that…I went to a somatic experiencing therapist. A lot of times and due to trauma…we numb our body to the point where we no longer know where we actually end….coming out of that numbing is a deep dive into who we felt responsible for and why. A child should never be responsible to save or protect their parent….and yet, there are a ton of people who still carry that and have extended that to partners and friends. Breaking free is amazing…..I no longer take anything my mom says personally and no longer feel responsible for her and by extension…I don’t take on other people’s feelings or feel responsible to save or protect them from their own choices. |
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Post by reddevil on May 20, 2024 6:01:05 GMT
It makes sense to me what you are saying, and I agree. In the end it is just a matter of incompatible needs and the lack of true (emotional) vulnerability which I was longing for, which she could not provide. I do have a history of being anxious (also in relationships) and also had very low self esteem growing up. After my own share of problems, I went to therapy and did a lot of introspection after that. I did find my self worth back over time and luckily I can validate myself nowadays. Sometimes I do find myself looking for external validation, but I am aware of that and know that I have to give it to myself. In my history of dating after my last long term relationship (after therapy), I felt not very anxious anymore. but this was the first time I was very much in love again so it is hard to say. I am still left with some sort of 'savior complex' where I feel it is my job to help others overcome their problems. This can also be a very good reason she felt smothered by me but never told me. But she certainly triggered anxious behavior in myself again, and that is something I need/want to work on. Because you speak truth in that I might keep falling in love with partners that are emotionally unavailable. You left me with a lot to think and reflect about, thank you for that. I will mourn this relationship and I have some work to do. In the end it does not matter if she was truly avoidant or not, in the end it was a lesson for me to give myself what I look for in a partner. So that I don't miss the 'signs' that were present all along. I think what truly happened is you were triggered within yourself by a pattern that ties back to your own trauma and is not specifically “her” because you have a pattern of falling into an insecure relationship dynamic. The best advice I can provide is to remove her as the reason for your anxiety when it truly comes down to trying to regulate your own nervous system by taking on a savior role. A savior role usually indicates that you feel responsible for the other person which is more about knowing where you “end” and another person “begins”. Being able to heal from that will require some internal boundary work. I actually had an issue with enmeshment with my mom and in order to heal that…I went to a somatic experiencing therapist. A lot of times and due to trauma…we numb our body to the point where we no longer know where we actually end….coming out of that numbing is a deep dive into who we felt responsible for and why. A child should never be responsible to save or protect their parent….and yet, there are a ton of people who still carry that and have extended that to partners and friends. Breaking free is amazing…..I no longer take anything my mom says personally and no longer feel responsible for her and by extension…I don’t take on other people’s feelings or feel responsible to save or protect them from their own choices. Thank you for your response! Yes I should not put it on her not providing my needs, and more on myself not for providing for my own needs. When I grew up I had emotionally unavailable parents for a long time, there was always "trouble" in my parental home. I think what triggers me is when I see other people struggling and somehow don't want them to feel that they have to do it on their own (as that was the feeling I had a lot of the times growing up). So yes, I think you are right that she triggered my own trauma in some way. Looking back I think that we were both not ready. Well done for doing the work, you should be proud of that. I think that I need to make my self-care a priority and that I need to learn how to self-sooth when I do feel anxious. I have to give myself what I need instead of focusing on other people. The more I care for someone the more it triggers me into anxiety I suppose. And you are right, I always had some issues with putting up boundaries, as I did it to seek for validation. This is going a lot better nowadays, but I think it needs more work on my end to say 'no' more often and to put myself first and not always try to fill in how they think and feel. I might consider going back to therapy if I don't get out of this on my own! But I will focus on self-care, self soothing and boundary work. |
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Post by tnr9 on May 20, 2024 11:40:18 GMT
I think what truly happened is you were triggered within yourself by a pattern that ties back to your own trauma and is not specifically “her” because you have a pattern of falling into an insecure relationship dynamic. The best advice I can provide is to remove her as the reason for your anxiety when it truly comes down to trying to regulate your own nervous system by taking on a savior role. A savior role usually indicates that you feel responsible for the other person which is more about knowing where you “end” and another person “begins”. Being able to heal from that will require some internal boundary work. I actually had an issue with enmeshment with my mom and in order to heal that…I went to a somatic experiencing therapist. A lot of times and due to trauma…we numb our body to the point where we no longer know where we actually end….coming out of that numbing is a deep dive into who we felt responsible for and why. A child should never be responsible to save or protect their parent….and yet, there are a ton of people who still carry that and have extended that to partners and friends. Breaking free is amazing…..I no longer take anything my mom says personally and no longer feel responsible for her and by extension…I don’t take on other people’s feelings or feel responsible to save or protect them from their own choices. Thank you for your response! Yes I should not put it on her not providing my needs, and more on myself not for providing for my own needs. When I grew up I had emotionally unavailable parents for a long time, there was always "trouble" in my parental home. I think what triggers me is when I see other people struggling and somehow don't want them to feel that they have to do it on their own (as that was the feeling I had a lot of the times growing up). So yes, I think you are right that she triggered my own trauma in some way. Looking back I think that we were both not ready. Well done for doing the work, you should be proud of that. I think that I need to make my self-care a priority and that I need to learn how to self-sooth when I do feel anxious. I have to give myself what I need instead of focusing on other people. The more I care for someone the more it triggers me into anxiety I suppose. And you are right, I always had some issues with putting up boundaries, as I did it to seek for validation. This is going a lot better nowadays, but I think it needs more work on my end to say 'no' more often and to put myself first and not always try to fill in how they think and feel. I might consider going back to therapy if I don't get out of this on my own! But I will focus on self-care, self soothing and boundary work. I have to give you kudos for actually hearing our advice and accepting your role. I did Cognitive Behavioral therapy for decades, which helped….buy once I started seeing a somatic experiencing therapist I was really able to break free of very long standing patterns. I too had emotionally unavailable parents (I think you will find that a very common theme here) and part of my healing was to acknowledge how unfair it was for a little girl to have to feel responsible for making her parents happy (impossible task). One really big finding from SE is that I would have a feeling of tightness in my throat whenever I was confronted….we determined this developed as a result of feeling like I had no voice and we did throat exercises and confrontation work to resolve that. 🙂 |
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Post by reddevil on May 20, 2024 13:39:55 GMT
Thank you for the compliment! I will look into SE to learn more about it, as I am no familiar with it! But yes, in the end we are all responsible for our own actions and have to look in the mirror. Sorry to hear that you also had emotionally unavailable parents, but I admire that you worked on yourself to a point that you became free and liberated! I've had the same liberation feeling after I learned how to truly love myself and allowing myself to really feel my emotions and the hurt that came out in the end. Now that I am more aware of my anxious traits, it is clear to me that I still have some work left and that is okay. I am still mourning my loss, but I can also find some peace knowing that it would probably be a very unhealthy relationship for the both of us. The answers here helped me to see it from a different perspective and I know that I will find my way, perhaps with a SE therapist as you stated  . |
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