Was my situationship FA or just not that into me? | Jeb Kinnison Attachment Type Forum

Was my situationship FA or just not that into me? May 19, 2024 13:39:37 GMT

Quote

Post by patriciaoliveira on May 19, 2024 13:39:37 GMT

I (F30) was in a situationship for almost 5 months with what I believe to be a fearful avoidant (M27) who recently broke up with me because "I deserved better than what he could offer". He also said that he thought a lot about something I had said to him a few weeks before, about me always being the foster girlfriend every guy uses until they finally meet someone else and start treating her better than me. He said he felt like I was bending myself backwards for him and ignoring my needs, which wasn't fair for me.

This is the same guy who told me from the beginning that he wanted an emotional connection and that the goal of us hanging out was to head towards commitment (but he never actually committed). He said he had feelings for me (but he never said "I love you" back when I said it) and that he did see a future with me. That I treated him better than all the other women he was with. For the first time, he was actually receiving healthy love, which felt strange but amazing to him.

His behavior during the time we dated was extremely confusing: he kept making short-term plans, like going on vacation with me (without me asking) or saying he wanted to introduce me to his friends, but those plans would never actually happen. He would invite me to have dinner in restaurants and didn't have a problem holding my hand in public spaces, but would ignore me when we were in the same friend group. Someone actually asked him if we were dating and he just changed the subject.

One week after he broke up with me, I asked him if he was seeing/talking to other people while he was with me (we agreed on being exclusive). He never replied to this, but always replied to everything else, which, to me, is an answer in itself. Was he dating other people in secret in hopes of keeping me as a backup in case things didn't work out? Did he deactivate because things were finally getting serious? I'm honestly so confused.

Was my situationship FA or just not that into me? May 19, 2024 18:16:10 GMT via mobile

Quote

Post by alexandra on May 19, 2024 18:16:10 GMT

May 19, 2024 13:39:37 GMT patriciaoliveira said:

me always being the foster girlfriend every guy uses until they finally meet someone else and start treating her better than me. He said he felt like I was bending myself backwards for him and ignoring my needs, which wasn't fair for me.

This is probably the most important part of your post. He's correct about why you feel this way, which is that you are choosing and over-investing in guys who aren't emotionally available and are likely avoidant. This has very little to do with how into you they are compared to others, and is just a part of the dysfunctional insecure dynamics.

If you tend to date FA and have an FA or AP attachment style yourself, and you let inconsistency between words, actions, and feelings slide and accept situationships, then you're going to end up anxiously chasing a guy who swings avoidant in response. The reason it then seems like he treats someone else better in the future is these guys probably end up dating someone more avoidant than them which swings them anxious and they end up chasing. However, none of it is based in secure or healthy relating, and it may look good from the outside for a while but eventually it won't work out because the foundation is dysfunctional. Or they do stay together but it's not a relationship dynamic that would meet your needs or make you happy.

To move past this, you need to dig into why you're willing to accept someone inconsistent and why you are willing to abandon yourself, throwing your needs out the window and overinvesting, instead of having healthy boundaries when you're not getting your needs met. Especially for AP, this is often something learned earlier in life from needing to stay attached as a child to an inconsistent caregiver. Sometimes you end up not really knowing who you are, having a weak sense of identity, not fully knowing what you want, because you were expected to help regulate and meet the needs of a parent figure instead of vice-versa, and that leads to the unhealthy boundaries and looking for external validation from others.