Having a hard time deciding to reach out or to just move on.

Hello everyone,

I (41/M/AP) would like to thank this forum for the amazing information it contains. It is helping me accepting the breakup by my ex-girlfriend (40/F) which I suspect is a fearful avoidant. This post might be long and I am sorry in advance. Also, English isn’t my first language, so I will try to be as concise as possible.

We met through work because she used to be in one of our offices abroad in the territory, I’m responsible for. She was in a separation process after 17 years of marriage. A very unstable marriage for which she married even if she didn’t feel like it, acted as a mother to an adult child, accepting all his needs and not sharing hers, having panic attacks because she was feeling trapped. Even though she tried multiple times to leave, he would always convince her to get back together. They had a lot of fights; he had a lot of tantrums and a lot of yelling etc even in front of the daughter at the end. It ended when he said he didn’t love her anymore and she enormously rejected. They have a 5-year-old daughter together and they share custody. She started therapy and taking ssri when the separation happened. She told me once she doesn't tell her therapist everything because sometimes she feels ashamed and their session is like she talks for like 30-40 minutes and when she has nothing to say, it's kinda over, I guess maybe because she doesn't know what to answer when the therapist asks her vulnerable questions or talk about her emotions on the spot. As you will see, it's something she struggles with. 

When she got back home in June 2023, we started hanging out as friends and the friendship developed as a couple after she confessed, she had a dream I was her partner in crime in the killing of a fellow student of his ex-husband with whom they shared poems. We fell in love pretty rapidly, she was everything I ever wanted: Latina, speaks 4 languages like me, loves to travel, works in the same sector. We were together all the time, we were presented to friends and family etc. As of work, she doesn’t work in my company anymore but does in a sister one and we share a lot of projects together. For example, all my colleagues know her and they are on each other’s SM. I also want to add that I tried to get the job she had after her mandate was up, she helped me but I didn’t get it.

also agreed that when she would do stuff with her ex-husband and their daughter, she would be transparent and tell me and also when she smokes, because I told her I don’t want to be with someone who smokes – because I was a smoke once – and she told me she wanted to quit her social smoking anyways.

Attachment to her ex-husband.
During our relationship several things happened regarding her ex-husband. We agreed she would tell me when she did stuff with him and their daughter at the beginning of the relationship Often times, she told me she wasn’t able to say “no” to him. She said that he is alone here in this country. She can’t abandon him. She would infantilize him saying she needed to do things for him because he wouldn’t be able to do so alone. Let me tell you that he speaks the local language just fine. It’s like if he is still her project even though their relationship is over. She still cares for him and I understand that, but she doesn’t seem able to detach and I felt overtimes that she wouldn’t be able to understand how it made me feel. I never asked her to stop doing activities in family and I never said she couldn’t be friends with him, I know it’s important for their daughter. Nonetheless, I didn’t feel I was special as her partner or prioritized over him. I think she used the “father of my daughter” excuse and that he was her phantom ex.

She would often tell me that she is tired of explaining herself, that she doesn’t have to manage my insecurities, that her relationship with her ex is none of my business. Sure, I understand this, but you don’t need to become angry and shut down. I’m not saying I do not trust you, I’m just saying it’s uncomfortable for me. Here are a few examples:

• I called her when I got to her apartment so she could go down and open the garage door for me. No answer for like 20 minutes because in the meantime, her ex went to pick up their daughter and he seemed not well and she did an espresso and they talked. She told me later she was sorry for not knowing how to manage this. I told her I would have liked her to tell him that you had to open the door and she could have told me she needed to talk to him…. but just don’t ignore me.
  
• He had an interview to be a suppliant literature teacher and he called her in anxiety and crying that he was afraid he wouldn’t be able to do it. She took the day off and drove with him to the interview because she already shares her car with him whenever he needs it for free. I told her I felt that she would help him by reassuring him but it was not her job to go with him as if he was not an adult. She said that when her dad had an accident, even though he mistreated her mom, she was the only one to go see him at the hospital everyday. She told me you can’t just let family in trouble.
• The first time that she “deactivated” for a few days was when we, with her daughter, were supposed to go to the theater in the morning to see a Christmas show for children. She then asked me if we could, on our way, give him a ride to the university because he had a citizenship exam and she was worried he wouldn’t make it. I told her that he is an adult, he speaks our language fluently and I’m sure he is able to take the bus or even your car. She then asked me why am I so complicating things, like if I couldn’t give a ride to an adult, that she does that often with her dad. I told her it made me feel uncomfortable, that he is not her child and that he needs to learn to manage himself. She then told me she’s overwhelmed and that she would go with her daughter alone to the show. Later that day, we were supposed to the 4 of us (me, her, daughter, ex) to this cultural event that she paid his ticket for so he can go out and try to make friends. So, she only went with him and their daughter. She then reached out by text saying she isn’t thinking of breaking up, but as been let driven by our love and passion over the last months and now she needs to think about what she is ready to do for love. She cancelled our plans during the week but agreed to still do our plans the following weekend.
• He called and said he was not feeling well to pick up their daughter. We were supposed to go out that night. I said it was ok to postpone to the following day. She said she would talk to him to know what is going on. When I got to her place, I saw a wine bottle cork on the floor and asked her if she opened the bottle we didn’t drink over the weekend. She then told me she invited him to dinner because he felt really bad and I just told her I was uncomfortable even though I trusted her. She told me again that she doesn’t want to tell me because it’s always a problem and she’s tired of explaining to me when in her head there is nothing wrong. It ended up being a fight and she said she would go have a walk but in reality, she wanted a smoke, and since her friend wasn’t home, she went to her ex’s apartment to have a smoke and a drink. I took it very much as a “I don’t care how you feel “.

Communication problems – always on the defensive and taking it as controlling issues
I need to do my mea culpa here, as an AP who have been brought up by a controlling and catastrophizing mother, I tend relieve my anxiety with trying to help or prevent anything bad to happen in many little ways, like hypervigilance. Without realizing it, I might be infantilizing or manexplaining things and I need it made her very fed up because her mom was so criticizing and severe when she was a teen that she had to runaway and would almost spend her time at her friend’s home whose mom she calls her second mom. She is very impatient and even though she knew I wasn’t giving advice or help in a bad way; she would answer me very harshly and explosively. When she told me she felt infantilized and manexplained, I said I was sorry, looked up on the internet, did some internal work with my psychologist and I changed and she recognized it positively in the course of the following weeks.

At the same time, she would accept to do things my way without telling me it annoyed her and then she would explode. For example, she never bothered her that I use that one side of the bed for 2 months and later she would tell me :it's not true you are going to decide where you sleep in my own home. Or when we were making love and I asked her to remove her rings because it hurt, she did, but the following morning she told me she shouldn't have to remove them, I could just hold her hand differently. 

When I brought up something to try to fix, she would often tell me she has nothing to say right now in a cold and aggressive way, that she needs time to process things. She would get very impatient if I pushed even gently. Often times, it always ended with her wanting space for a couple of days. On a couple occasions, after getting to her place, she would tell me that she was tired and would prefer to be alone. She was happy I always respected her need for space. If I tried to hug her and tell her, let’s fix this calmly, she would tell me to get out of her home and yell - because she used to have epic fights with her ex-husband in front of their daughter, so anything triggers her. 

It also happened that she needed 1-2-3-4-5 days of low contact to get her energy back for the relationship. She would tell me that she doesn’t question our relationship, but that she needs space. If we had an argument in front of her daughter, even if I told her let’s be patient and calm, she would tell me that she doesn’t want to discuss in front of her daughter and asked me to leave her place.

At some point, she even told me “Why don’t you just concentrate on f**king me?” It really did hurt, because I genuinely care for that person and I really want to be a positive value to their life. I know I can be intense, but why do you need to be so “harsh”. It’s like you want me in your life, but you do not want to do any compromising.

She would also be a lot passive-aggressive, she would also compare it to me when I asked for example, if we could talk on a calmer way, smoother way. She would be like: look at how you talk to me? You are asking something you do not even do yourself. 

Insecurities
After the initial months, I would still tell her I loved her – and she would tell me too a lot and give me a lot of presents, attentions, invite me to things etc. but I felt like she didn’t believe me or thought I was like all the men, that I would end up cheating on her or leaving her alone. I once told her I never loved someone so deeply and she replied “I’m sure that’s the line you used with every of your conquests”. It broke me because I was being vulnerable to her. I remember once I invited her to a day spa&massage and we were having sex at night and I told her she was the best ever and she then stopped for no reason. The following morning, she told me she thought I was thinking about my ex when I said this. She would also always tell me I preferred blondes because my ex was blonde even though I told her various time, each time, it wasn’t the case, I preferred her style much more. I told her I loved her curves and she would tell me “You mean my fat rolls”.


The breakup and after
She got a new job in february that is more demanding. She told me she didn’t have much time to text and I understood. I had to go abroad for work in early March.

So when abroad for work, I texted more than usual to share what was happening with her and she told me she felt stressed when she saw my name on her phone. I told her she doesn’t need to answer right away, but she still felt she needed to as a good partner would. The day before I got back, I called her, and we spoke. Then a few hours later, I told her that if she still wanted to talk, I would be happy. She told me she was busy but then I accidentally pushed the calling option, and she got pissed off, like I wasn’t respecting her boundaries.

Three days before I came back home, we chatted and sent dirty messages saying we wanted to have sex and planning where etc. I even told her she was the love of my life and when the moment was right, I wouldn’t mind having a kid with her if it’s what she desired. To this, she said she loved me and that we would discuss this when I came back.

The day before my flight back home was scheduled, I told her I wanted to give her something from the place I was in. She used to live there and always liked a clothing store that sells dresses etc. She told me first not to bother, she doesn’t need anything. I told her I wanted to make her happy and that she needs to let me love her. It was my pleasure to do so. I asked her what her size was and she told me it was M, sometimes S and sometimes L, depending. I then said, I hope I don’t buy something that doesn’t fit you. She replied to me saying that she doesn’t see what the problem is, giving clothing is always a risk. I told her I know but you won’t be able to exchange it. Finally, I went to the store, spent more than an hour with clerks there and showed them pictures of her with clothes on from the same store and I bought something. I sent her a picture of the bag (not the gift) and she said: wow! I said, I spent more than an hour with 2-3 clerks trying to find you this present. I hope you really like it.

Here is the timeline of what happened: 

• March 17: I arrived from a trip abroad. Hadn't seen her in 3 weeks. I first went to pick up my car at her place and gave her daughter presents. When I got there she kissed me and hugged me. I later went home and came back a few hours later in the afternoon. At that moment, she said she was feeling confused. She didn't want to kiss me or touch me. She felt overwhelmed and our communication during my trip stressed her and she felt suffocated. We concluded we will work things through and talk at the restaurant 2 days later. I asked her if we are going to work things out, and she said yes, she said she was sorry for being like this. She was very tired and we kissed a couple times and I went back home.
• March 19: In the morning, I sent her a message saying I was so amped and happy to go to this new restaurant with her, I was looking forward to it before even going on my business trip and she answered with a pinned red heart. I told her if I should get to her place by 6:30 or before. She asked me at what time was the reservation and I said 7pm. She again answered with a pinned red heart. When I got to her place, she opened the door and told me I looked very cute. I tried to kiss her, and she moved and she told me she cancelled the reservation. She told me she was not feeling good. She told me she has too many things to handle, her new job, her daughter, the ex-husband and father of her daughter. She said she wanted to stop this relationship because she felt not good enough, overwhelmed, that she can't give me the attention that I need, that for some reason she doesn't know why she has lost attraction to me. I tried to tell her we should take things slow, but she didn't want to.

• March 23: I asked if I could videochat with her so we can speak about our stuff. She told me she hasn't thought about this yet and I told her I wanted to be with her, that we could fix things if we sat down and talk, and she said she had no answer for me at the moment. I told her to take her time.
  
• March 28: We videochatted again because I told her I felt like talking to her and she told me to just call whenever. I kept it light talking about work and her daugther. After the call, I texted her that I loved to see her and talk to her. She told me she still doesn't feel natural and normal for her. She doesn't forget about our stuff. I told her I hope we can reconcile some day at that there was no rush.
• April 5: She reached out to me, asking how I was and telling me she missed me. I told her I missed her too and that we should talk about it. She answered that she's not ready to see me because she doesn't want to succomb to my charms and doesn't know how to manage my presence in her life as if I would ask her too much attention. I told her that if she doesn't want to reconcile, I think it's better to not talk to each other. She said she understood and was sorry.
• April 16: She sents me a message to exchange stuff. I told her I might not be available. She proposes to contact me early may. I tell her I don't want to prolong things: I propose to her the following lunch time. She tells me she thought it wasn't urgent. She tells me it's ok, it's going to be done and I won't have to hear anything about her anymore. She unfollows me on social media except whatsapp.
• April 17: I went to her place and we exchange stuff, I asked her how she was. She told me : I thought you didn't want to hear from me ever again. I told her I missed her and thought about her all the time, told her I am sure I want to be with her, that I don't care for other women. She told me she still has strong feelings for me but then she starts telling me she did too many things she shouldn't have because of her love, told me she is an indepedent woman who doesn't need help or advice, told me she doesn't like it when I say she is my #1 priority and she told me she doesn't know how I can be her second after her daughter because she has many people in her life. She told me that for her, being in a relationship doesn't mean we have to see each other all the time. She told me she would think about it because she had no answer right now.
• April 18: She texted saying she isn't ready for me to be her lover. She says we have a great connection, but too many things too adjust. She knows I can change but she won't accompany me. She says she's sorry she's not what I expected her to be. I call her back to make sure, she tells me shes not sure, not by begging that it will make a difference. She tells me she will reach out to me but she never did.
• April 20: Friend saw her on Bumble.
• April 28: She sents me a Happy birthday message with our love song saying : HB! I hope this day goes as smooth and is as illuminated as thing song. I wish you the best that life has to offer. I miss you despite everything. I answer her back with a Thank you.
• May 8: She reaches out to me saying she saw this job offer and has thought of me. She then sends me a selfie of her father with his dentures she bought him. She tells me she feels just ok, she has started her meds again (ssri) and is very tired. I answered to her that I'm happy for her father and I'm glad she had a good time with him for his birthday. I told her to relax and to take care. She answered with a pinned red heart and been silent since then.

I like this woman a lot, I do love her, but I always know I have my own struggles. She represents everything I ever wanted physically and intellectually. Of course, emotionnaly it's not what I want. I am still hoping she reaches out and wants to fix things with therapy. She seems self aware because she knows she has troubles setting boundaries with people and, in a harsh way, she told me that if she needs to cut someone out of her life because it's too overwhelming for her, it's going to be me because we don't have anything that bonds us forever like her mom, dad, ex-husband and daughter. I guess that is what happened. Would she know how much I want to help her, even though I know it's not my job to save her, but just to be present with her. I understand a lot of her struggles and anxiety. 

It's her birthday in a few days and I am still debating wheather I should wish her a HB like she did for me. Of course, I wish it would develop into something more. 

I know that the probability of things getting fixed right now are very slim to none. I just am sad, that after all these years, I finally thought I found the one. I also struggle with low self-esteem and I stay way too long in unhealthy relationships. My ex was diagnosed BPD and I tried to always see the good sides of her and supporting her until it was just too draining emotionally for me. That ex still reaches out to me from time to time but I choose not to answer.

I would like to thank those who took the time to read this long post. I really appreciate your help! Happy to hear back from you.