Fearful Avoidant in triangle with another fearful avoidant

Hi, I need some insight on what's happening in my situation. Firstly, I was only made aware of attachment theory a few weeks ago and it has been tremendously helpful. Firstly, I am female and was married for 19 years to whom I believe was a dismissive avoidant. I am fearful avoidant. He was 12 years older than me and had a kid before me and came out of a very toxic situation. He was also very quiet and to himself, I have never felt intense attraction to him but I was attracted and settled. We got married and after 13 years I had a child and that' when everything went downhill. I felt so neglected and all he focused on was himself but he did help out a lot with the baby. However, he did very little to meet my needs and completely ignored me, no attraction nothing. He would only engage me for sex and that's it, no intimacy, closeness, connection. I spoke to him on countless occasions and he said he would try, he didn't. Fast forward, our neighbor's house caught a fire and spread to our house, half our home was destroyed and it was a very distressing time for me. He did not speak to me for three days after but was speaking to everyone else and I felt completely hurt and shut out. This time was very traumatic and my kid was only 1 year at the time. I felt so alone. We moved in with my parents and my life felt so stressful at the time. There was this guy who hung out in my parents neighborhood and one day my friend visited and she told me she liked him so my sister told him then he up and said he liked me. I said that i was happily married. Anyway, he met me on the road one day and gave his number and asked that I message him, I had reservations but eventually did. He proceeded to tell me how he liked me and would like to get to know me so i told him I'm married and can't do that, he said he was also in a long-term relationship but was very unhappy and doesn't feel loved and he wanted us to be friends. TBH, the attention felt good and we started messaging and calling each other frequently. Like almost all day we would talk when i was at work, at first he came off as clingy but I loved the attention. This went on for two months and then we had sex. I developed an intense attraction for him and he was the complete opposite to my husband, nothing like i ever felt before. He also had a kid. This went on for about a year and then we started having problems. He pulled back from me and apparently was seeing multiple other women. When i found out i left him and he didn't seem to care. At that time, I tried to repair my relationship but it was difficult, my husband pushed me away and i just didn't feel the attraction to him anymore. I became more withdrawn and to my self. About 6 weeks later, the affair partner came back begging for a chance, i didn't go back but we spoke everyday like when we were together and had casual sex i did love him until i found out he was with someone else. Then i blocked him. Same story again he came back begging after 3 weeks and I went back.  this went on for about 21/2 years of back n forth. During this entire time he paid no attention to his child's mother and treated her horribly. then he got arrested and spent three months in jail, he was in contact with both of us and we were both there for him. After he came out, his feelings changed towards her and it was almost like she was attracted to her all over again and he treated her like royalty. i pulled away because he made it clear to me she was there before me and he wasn't around her in a long time and he wanted to focus on her. he came back n tried to get with me again and i went back only to discover things were still great with them and he had other women on the side. i left again. basically this went on for another year. then he came back again and begged me, this time i realized he was having multiple flings and things wasn't all that good with his child's mother. i told him i had enough and i wasn't coming back and i meant he. he then spend the next couple of weeks trying to reconnect, asking for another chance, focusing on me and of course i gave in a went back. He told me he gave her freedom since she has feelings as a person to but that she spent all her time partying and that's why he needed to keep her under control. the relationship was good, he was with me and his child's mother alone and he seemed to be prioritizing both of us in a manner that was working for me. then after 8 months my husband left me, he said he couldn't do it anymore he knew i had someone he didn't know who it was but he was sure i loved this man. it was devastating for my daughter and my family, i was torn and felt numb but my affair partner stepped up. he was there for me in a way i guess i've always wanted. my family knew who he was and insisted i cannot see him again but we continued and on a different level because he started coming to my home. after 5 months i decided to travel for three weeks with my daughter to help us deal with all that we've been through. he could not deal with that and went back to his child's mother and started pleasing her. She is anxiously preoccupied i believe. anyway this put a strain on our relationship because i was used to having all his attention, now he was trying to please both of us. then he informed me they were moving from his parents home and into a place of their own but Christmas and this made me feel even worse. when he moved, i stopped speaking to him and he came back like a couple days and reassured me that nothing changed and he's going to be here the same with me and he started being clingy to me again. after 2 months of moving in, he and his child's mother had a big fight and he put her out (this was last year) and she called up his friends and begged them to ask him to let her come back and she begged him as well. he eventually did. then he told me he outgrew her and he knows it and he has always told me he regretted having the kid with her because he won't be able to leave her. he said she told him she knows he's only with her for the kid. anyway he clanged towards me and we grew closer, we even travelled together to another country for my birthday. all these things started to bother her and she started to act out by not doing her chores etc. i must say though, she is afraid of him and he controls her and the relationship so she is always afraid to express her feelings. anyway, so was trying to keep her quiet by being around a little more and i told him i was tired of the situation and that in Jan of this year he needed to make a decision. he said he would. In jan he told me he told her the relationship was dead and not working and she told him that she knows he has someone else but he never confessed and he wanted too but she generally did not say anything and was listening to him. she continued doing everything she was supposed to as usual. He seemed a bit stressed after this but wasn't really saying anything. i continued to ask when he was going to tell her and we had a big fight and i broke up with him. after 4 days i reached out and he came to see me, he said he was feeling numb and he didn't know what he wanted to do. the next couple of weeks was very stressful with us being in heated arguments and him breaking down at least 4 different times, he just seemed so weak and i've never seen him like that. he said he didn't know what he was feeling but he changed his mind, he was making both of us comfortable now and he wasn't going to tell her anything. this didn't sit well with me so i left. a week after he came back he said he was going to church to try and find himself but he wanted to be with me and we got back together but i realized he soften up to her and was doing things to please her. when i asked him about it he said she has feelings too and he didn't want to hurt her that he was feeling sorry for her but he was just being normal with her. i started to put distance between us because i didn't know if i could trust him and he kept trying to be close, he even said to me he just wants to be loved and he wants peace. she caught us on the phone talking and when she confronted him he said nothing, he was pretty clingy with me the next 2 days and then she asked him to go watch a movie with her and the son n he went. i felt betrayed and i told him about it and he started shouting and cursing and saying she loves and cares for him as well n that he puts me above her. he said that's his family so i said well go be with them and leave me alone. and he said okay, we're done I'm going back to my family then. it's been 1 1/2 weeks and i haven't heard from him, i also heard he posted her on social media a few days ago but i am not on his IG, a friend told me. We were together for 6 years and he and her for 10 years but he confided in me that he cheated on her 9/10 years and he tried to break up with her several times in the beginning but she used to cry and beg him and when that didn't work her mom would call him and quarrel with him for leaving her. so that's why he went back. he also said he was not in love with her for a long time. i know he's trying to get love from her but can it possibly really work?