Dumped by an FA - Seeking Advice

Hi, first post here. I’ve reviewed previous posts on the board surrounding this topic, I’m really just looking for any discussion or advice around this. I’ll try to keep the story brief and to the point.

I’m 34(M) and fell into an unexpected and untimely whirlwind romance with the woman 31(F) who moved into the apartment behind mine in a small condo building. I would describe my attachment style as anxious preoccupied, although I had been mostly secure due to decades of work in therapy. Her attachment style is STRONGLY fearful avoidant.

I had just gotten a year of sobriety, she had just moved out of her ex husbands apartment 3 months prior to meeting. (I know, recipe for disaster). We had intense chemistry, a lot in common, etc and hit it off. Throughout the course of our 9 month long situationship, she would not fully commit, and there were many high highs and low lows, push pull dynamics, etc and eventually it started bringing out anxious preoccupied tendencies in me. I continued pursuing her even though I knew she wasn’t ready because I thought I could love her into feeling safe again (I regret doing this in retrospect). In retrospect, I think the high highs and low lows brought me back into patterns of addiction.

She would tell me about how she loved me more than anyone she had ever met, and then I would try my best to be a safe and reliable partner, and when those feelings hit her she would be triggered by the trauma of the divorce into intense fearful avoidant behaviors, and she would need lots of space, or she would try to calculate creative ways that the relationship would actually fail (star signs not compatible, her dad wouldn’t like me being sober, etc). We had a lot of upswings and a lot of breaks. At one point she dumped me and went no contact for 2 months, went on dates with other men, and eventually came back when those dates were unfulfilling and didn’t match our chemistry.

Recently we started arguing about the push and pull dynamic. She accused me of pushing when she wasn’t ready, I accused her of using me when she wanted affection and discarding me when she wanted space. It got a little bit intense, but we ultimately parted amicably and both agreed that we’d be open to reconciling, but she said that now is not the right time for her and she needs to do work on her own, and that she is in a low place and needs space.

I’ve been respecting her space and just maintaining no contact outside the occasional hello when I see her in the hallway or parking lot of our condo building. But this is incredibly difficult. She seems to not be as devastated as I am. When she was breaking things off with me, she seemed relieved to be rid of me and like she was grossed out by my affection. Days previously she had told me she loved me more than anyone she’d ever met. I’m just reeling right now. I don’t understand how she can be doing so fine right now, going out with friends and laughing audibly (her laughs echo into my apartment building because we share a wall). I’ve read that FAs tend to feel happy during the breakup and then regretful later?

Ultimately I’m trying to figure out how I can cope. I cannot escape her voice or her footsteps because our apartments share a wall and you can hear everything. I’m triggered every time I go home and she seems mostly unphased by this. Is there any hope for her realizing what she’s lost here and trying to patch things up? There were many happy times together and we shared alot of deep connection and intimacy in the months we spent together. For context: she is a pretty good communicator when she’s not deactivated and she seems to work pretty hard In therapy - though her wounds are deep and severe and although she wants intimacy it triggers distress when she actually receives it in a sustained way.

I’d be really grateful for any comments on how to best move forward in a way that is healthy for both of us. Right now her and I are on good terms but just staying away from one another referring to it as “compassionate space” which I think is appropriate. But I need to know how to carry on and cope with this. I do not want to lose her and I do not want to lose myself. Thanks for reading.