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Post by onemore4826 on Jun 24, 2024 18:11:30 GMT
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Post by lovebunny on Jun 24, 2024 19:53:56 GMT
Actually, she does NOT check off boxes for a long term r'ship. That would require her to be someone who WANTS to be in a r'ship with you, & makes the effort to make that happen. She's telling you the truth: She isn't comfortable with exclusivity. She doesn't have the bandwidth for a r'ship. She's scared of feeling trapped. She isn't feeling spark. Are you listening to her? Maybe she is avoidant, but that doesn't mean you're supposed to learn all you can about her avoidance so you can game her into being with you. Learn, instead, about your own anxious attachment that makes you chase someone who isn't emotionally available.
Please do not come at her as "friends" when you really are trying to worm your way into her life as more than that. Why not respect her wishes to NOT be romantically involved with you? I'm sure you can find someone who will tick your boxes AND want a relationship. Just let her be, do not contact.
Yes, I've had short situationships with people who were avoidant/emotionally unavailable. It sucks. The only way around it is to avoid situationships.
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Post by alexandra on Jun 24, 2024 20:39:48 GMT
I know the prevailing wisdom is that the same cycle will repeat until they get therapy The prevailing wisdom is the same cycle will repeat until you both get therapy... and the same cycle of rarely feeling attracted to someone unless they are emotionally unavailable repeats until you want to address where your anxiety comes from and why someone who doesn't want to be in a relationship is the person who you feel checks all your relationship boxes. This situation sucks and is painful and I'd been in it several times when I was younger, so I do not say that to be harsh. But you're trying to put it on her to change while blaming yourself for pushing her away by stating that you had needs (though she didn't have the capacity to meet anyone's needs due to conflict with her own needs). She's not going to change unless she wants to, which is painful for her and has nothing to do with you. Just like if you change, it will be hard and have nothing to do with her. People change for themselves because they aspire to grow or because they're in too much pain to stay the same. Knowing about attachment theory doesn't mean it gives you a guide for the perfect way to interact with someone to enable their issues while maybe getting some of your own needs barely met. The power in attachment theory is to see that people have different capacities, traumas, needs, and skill sets or lack thereof to cope with stress and to process their own emotions, and to start to see how it has nothing to do with you. That allows you to start learning about healthy boundaries, seeing different types of dysfunctional behavior to avoid and to avoid doing yourself, and learning about ways people trigger each other so you can step out of that on your own and give yourself the space to do your own work and healing towards security. Which eventually results in healthier relating and stronger enduring connections, rather than situationships, confusion, and power struggles. It helps you depersonalize and recognize when it's better to walk away, so that you don't abandon yourself or stuff down your own needs. |
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