Post by emiya on Jun 28, 2024 10:40:13 GMT
I apologize in advance for the long post.
My Fearful Avoidant (maybe even cluster B personality disorder) ex gf broke up with me out of nowhere about 3 months ago after a year of being together and gave me the whole “it’s not you it’s me” spiel.
I say it was out of nowhere because a month beforehand she was talking about moving in together, getting married and having children. She even told me multiple times over the course of the relationship that she would be miserable if she ever lost me. She’s always been the one to push for relationship milestones (meeting parents, going to each other’s home countries on vacation, talking about the future and when we’re going to get married, even as far as discussing what kind of wedding ring and wedding venue she would like…)
Intimacy had started to dwindle after a 9-10 month honeymoon period where everything was incredible, best relationship i’ve ever had (and we both communicated that to each other). Then all of a sudden says she thought i was the one but doesn’t see a future with me anymore, completely refused to elaborate on why, told me it would be easier if i didn’t try to understand.
She then quite literally ran away and is spending the summer with her family back home. I went complete no contact.
After the break up i told her i couldn’t be friends as it would hurt too much, and unfollowed her from Instagram (also removed her from my followers). She didn’t take very well to that and asked me why i did. After i explained it to her i asked her why it was important to her that we stay on each other’s socials, she said it wasn’t, “it just hurt” (makes no sense especially since she removed our pictures from her profile before i did, but i’m finding out that’s par for the course when it comes to FAs and break ups).
She proceeded to block me on IG (her account is public, mine is private, so it’s not like that achieves anything but i guess she was lashing out)
Some context before i get into the reach out: About a week before the break up, she saw that our favorite band was gonna be in town in October and asked all excited if we could go together, so i sent her the money for the tickets (which she then bought and still has, i have no access to them)
It had been 2 months of complete NC and 3 months since the break up when she reached out to me about 10 days ago (and unblocked me on IG at the same time). She asked how i was doing, mentioned that she had checked in about me with a mutual friend of ours a few times and they had told her i’m doing well. She told me later in the conversation she’d been creeping my sister’s IG.
She said the reason she was messaging me is she got a reminder about the concert in October and was wondering if I wanted my ticket and that she was willing to send me money to cover for hers as she would still like to go. Said we could go separately as the venue was big enough that we probably wouldn’t run into each other.
After making a little bit of small talk i told her the whole reason i bought those tickets was that i wanted to go with her, so i’m not interested in going alone and she can keep the tickets, i don’t care about the money. To which she replied that she doesn’t plan on going with anybody else, nor does she want to. And that come October depending on how i’m feeling she wouldn’t be opposed to going as friends.
She also said we didn’t have to chat as she doesn’t want to hurt me or mess with my head/heart any more than she had. I told her i don’t hate her and still care a lot about her so i don’t mind the small talk. She replied that she cares about me too and “there is no love lost”.
I addressed her wanting to go to the concert as friends by saying that as much as i wish i could, i am not going to be her friend. At which point she shut down the conversation (i realize the rejection probably triggered her), saying she doesn’t want me to give her reasons as that would hurt her more, and reiterated that “believe it or not, this all hurts me terribly, i still care about you and there is no love lost”.
I started reading about attachment theory about a month ago and have been learning a lot. It has helped a little bit with the confusion and heartbreak as it answered some questions that she refused to. She had told me about A LOT of trauma in her childhood and even recently (both caused by her parents and other people) and i naively assumed that because she was confiding in me that she had dealt with them (at least partly) and they wouldn’t affect our relationship in a significant way.
From all i’ve read i know relationships with FAs (and avoidants in general) are extremely difficult, especially if they don’t take the step to put in the work and heal themselves. However you can’t help who you love and despite her selfish and unkind behavior towards the end of our relationship (and after) i do still love her more than i can put into words and can’t help but hope for a reconciliation, as unlikely as that might be. I consider myself secure but i guess the break up triggered an anxious side of me that i’ve been fighting and trying not to act on.
I’m doing my best to move on regardless and was doing somewhat ok until she reached out, partly because i felt like there was nothing i can do and wasn’t going to waste my time trying to convince someone to be with me (even when she broke up, i didn’t try fighting or convincing her to change her mind and once i saw she was running away and not willing to help me understand i gave her the space she was craving).
So i guess ultimately i’m asking people that are FAs or have had extensive experience dealing with FAs for your opinion on 3 things:
1- Whether i’m right in thinking she’s an FA (she might be cluster B, i know they share a lot of similarities, especially BPD)
2- Was her reaching out an attempt at reconciliation but for fear of rejection she wanted to be friends first and not have to deal with the pressure of a relationship? Or did she genuinely just want to be friends?
3- If that was a genuine attempt at reconciliation, did i blow it by telling her i’m not gonna be her friend and essentially rejecting her? Is the ball now in my court in terms of reaching out or is No Contact still the way to go if there is to ever be a reconnection down the line?
PS: i don’t know if that’s relevant but in addition to all the trauma she’s experience she’s also been diagnosed with Asperger’s about a year before meeting me, and her parents to this day refuse to accept that diagnosis, saying it’s wrong.
My Fearful Avoidant (maybe even cluster B personality disorder) ex gf broke up with me out of nowhere about 3 months ago after a year of being together and gave me the whole “it’s not you it’s me” spiel.
I say it was out of nowhere because a month beforehand she was talking about moving in together, getting married and having children. She even told me multiple times over the course of the relationship that she would be miserable if she ever lost me. She’s always been the one to push for relationship milestones (meeting parents, going to each other’s home countries on vacation, talking about the future and when we’re going to get married, even as far as discussing what kind of wedding ring and wedding venue she would like…)
Intimacy had started to dwindle after a 9-10 month honeymoon period where everything was incredible, best relationship i’ve ever had (and we both communicated that to each other). Then all of a sudden says she thought i was the one but doesn’t see a future with me anymore, completely refused to elaborate on why, told me it would be easier if i didn’t try to understand.
She then quite literally ran away and is spending the summer with her family back home. I went complete no contact.
After the break up i told her i couldn’t be friends as it would hurt too much, and unfollowed her from Instagram (also removed her from my followers). She didn’t take very well to that and asked me why i did. After i explained it to her i asked her why it was important to her that we stay on each other’s socials, she said it wasn’t, “it just hurt” (makes no sense especially since she removed our pictures from her profile before i did, but i’m finding out that’s par for the course when it comes to FAs and break ups).
She proceeded to block me on IG (her account is public, mine is private, so it’s not like that achieves anything but i guess she was lashing out)
Some context before i get into the reach out: About a week before the break up, she saw that our favorite band was gonna be in town in October and asked all excited if we could go together, so i sent her the money for the tickets (which she then bought and still has, i have no access to them)
It had been 2 months of complete NC and 3 months since the break up when she reached out to me about 10 days ago (and unblocked me on IG at the same time). She asked how i was doing, mentioned that she had checked in about me with a mutual friend of ours a few times and they had told her i’m doing well. She told me later in the conversation she’d been creeping my sister’s IG.
She said the reason she was messaging me is she got a reminder about the concert in October and was wondering if I wanted my ticket and that she was willing to send me money to cover for hers as she would still like to go. Said we could go separately as the venue was big enough that we probably wouldn’t run into each other.
After making a little bit of small talk i told her the whole reason i bought those tickets was that i wanted to go with her, so i’m not interested in going alone and she can keep the tickets, i don’t care about the money. To which she replied that she doesn’t plan on going with anybody else, nor does she want to. And that come October depending on how i’m feeling she wouldn’t be opposed to going as friends.
She also said we didn’t have to chat as she doesn’t want to hurt me or mess with my head/heart any more than she had. I told her i don’t hate her and still care a lot about her so i don’t mind the small talk. She replied that she cares about me too and “there is no love lost”.
I addressed her wanting to go to the concert as friends by saying that as much as i wish i could, i am not going to be her friend. At which point she shut down the conversation (i realize the rejection probably triggered her), saying she doesn’t want me to give her reasons as that would hurt her more, and reiterated that “believe it or not, this all hurts me terribly, i still care about you and there is no love lost”.
I started reading about attachment theory about a month ago and have been learning a lot. It has helped a little bit with the confusion and heartbreak as it answered some questions that she refused to. She had told me about A LOT of trauma in her childhood and even recently (both caused by her parents and other people) and i naively assumed that because she was confiding in me that she had dealt with them (at least partly) and they wouldn’t affect our relationship in a significant way.
From all i’ve read i know relationships with FAs (and avoidants in general) are extremely difficult, especially if they don’t take the step to put in the work and heal themselves. However you can’t help who you love and despite her selfish and unkind behavior towards the end of our relationship (and after) i do still love her more than i can put into words and can’t help but hope for a reconciliation, as unlikely as that might be. I consider myself secure but i guess the break up triggered an anxious side of me that i’ve been fighting and trying not to act on.
I’m doing my best to move on regardless and was doing somewhat ok until she reached out, partly because i felt like there was nothing i can do and wasn’t going to waste my time trying to convince someone to be with me (even when she broke up, i didn’t try fighting or convincing her to change her mind and once i saw she was running away and not willing to help me understand i gave her the space she was craving).
So i guess ultimately i’m asking people that are FAs or have had extensive experience dealing with FAs for your opinion on 3 things:
1- Whether i’m right in thinking she’s an FA (she might be cluster B, i know they share a lot of similarities, especially BPD)
2- Was her reaching out an attempt at reconciliation but for fear of rejection she wanted to be friends first and not have to deal with the pressure of a relationship? Or did she genuinely just want to be friends?
3- If that was a genuine attempt at reconciliation, did i blow it by telling her i’m not gonna be her friend and essentially rejecting her? Is the ball now in my court in terms of reaching out or is No Contact still the way to go if there is to ever be a reconnection down the line?
PS: i don’t know if that’s relevant but in addition to all the trauma she’s experience she’s also been diagnosed with Asperger’s about a year before meeting me, and her parents to this day refuse to accept that diagnosis, saying it’s wrong.
