Post by aguy89 on Jul 10, 2024 13:32:04 GMT
Hello there, sorry for long text, but i will try to make in structural way.
Me M(35) and my EX F(30), was living together almost 1 year. Recently she broke up with me, which lead me to enormous heartbreak. Recently found attachment theory and and digging in it helps me to heal.
Some facts:
-We moved to live together quite fast (she moved to my place)
-I felt a lot love from her and appreciation (love bombed), at first it even felt somehow suspicious
-She haven't had job, just small income from her hobby, so i was covering all financial aspects and also helping with her hobby and supporting her idea to open small business (never happened tho).
-She was refusing to take responsibility for home chores, even tho it felt for me unfair (since i have office work), i accepted that and was helping her with cleaning and grocery.
-If we had some small fight, she was who came first to make peace id say, i need more time to process my feelings. Fights was quite rare.
-Sometimes she was acting inappropriate, like teenager
-Was casually talking about some her facts from past, which wasn't nice to hear.
-Could casually mention her EXs, which i didn't like.
-We was talking about family and kids quite often
-She was sometime anxious met someone of her EXs when we were outside
-I noticed that somewhere after 6 she started appreciate me less, and even devaluating my achievements,
-Sex life from amazing went to okeish at best.
-Mentions that she have 2 personalities: "Little Girl" and "Personality of strong Man"
Reflags which i ignored:
-Before me she was married, and had like 5+ somewhat long relationships, i was never told why those relationships was ended ("They were good people, but there some issues and we were different" )
-She never were alone by long period of time
-Father left her family in childhood, but helping financially
-Overall her family looked messed up to me, grandparents/parents/sisters/cousins/aunts etc - all with multiple marriages and kids from different partners.
-No Career or Uni, not much work experience, only cosplay hobby
Breakup:
We had great vacation after which we introduced our moms to each other. And few weeks weird things started.
She came back home after vising her mom, she looked irritated and told me that she will go alone to birthday of her Twin-friends (we were invited together) and stay there overnight (since it hill be held in countryside). I was shocked by this, when i've asked the reason, she told that she cant completely relax when I'm near here, she is scared to do something which i would not like. Form me if felt like betrayal, and i still could not get clarity why she cant relax with me, and would possibly she could do.
Day after day something she was hitting me with some new unpleasant things. while internally i was still processing this birthday "case": again casually mentioning EX, canceling plans for next vacation (since she need to see father), rudeness and other minor things. I got so much "shit" from my loved one within few days, that i stonewalled hard for few days. Then i suggested her to do couple therapy, since i had no idea what's going on, and she couldn't explain her feelings either (or i did not understand). She was not enthusiastic about going for therapy.
Then she told me that she feels like this because of my mother (whom we see like few times a month), my mother do some cringe things sometimes (which i would interrupt), but mostly she was insisting us to get married and have kids. My partner never indicated before that she had issue with my mom, few times just mentioned that she don't know about what to speak with my mother and she feels shy. But because of my mom she feels like a just an "incubator" and "object", and she doesn't want to see her anymore and blamed me that i haven't "protected" from my mom (WTF) . That again was big hit for me, i have good relationship with mom, moreover i was happy and was sure that my girlfriend have good relationship with her.
Then we had somewhat "cold" week, i was feel myself like vegetable, since past few weeks of my life was i cycle office work ->fights -> insomnia. One day i got text (while in the office) that she deiced to breakup since we are very different and starting packing her things. When i came back i just got apartment keys and helped her move heavy things to car. I felt shocked, i couldn't say much. She looked cold, but sometimes i saw her eyes "wet"
Week after she came back to grab rest of her things, i wanted to talk, but she was avoiding conversations.
Mostly NC after that,
Overall within 3 weeks, from happy person with plans for future and was left heartbroken.
What i feel, i did wrong:
I might hurt her "feel of freedom ", when i told her that i would not like if she goes alone to club or have one to one meetings with her male friends. Within a year i hangout one time with boys (not in club, in apartment) and came late, since one friend was so drunk i had to drive him to another side of city and back. She was somewhat mad about this, even i warned her about situation. Overall her complaint was "Why for you it is allowed to hangout alone, but not for me?".
Some of her phrases during breakup phsae:
-"We are completely different " - but could never explain in what. when i asked.
-"You awesome and perfect , but so do i"
-"I cant blame your mother, she just loves you to much, and puts you on the pedestal"
-"i dont want to put you on the pedestal"
-"You don't understand my past and traumas"
-"I tired that i need to go though this over and over"
Sorry for long text and bad writing, not a native speaker.
Me M(35) and my EX F(30), was living together almost 1 year. Recently she broke up with me, which lead me to enormous heartbreak. Recently found attachment theory and and digging in it helps me to heal.
Some facts:
-We moved to live together quite fast (she moved to my place)
-I felt a lot love from her and appreciation (love bombed), at first it even felt somehow suspicious
-She haven't had job, just small income from her hobby, so i was covering all financial aspects and also helping with her hobby and supporting her idea to open small business (never happened tho).
-She was refusing to take responsibility for home chores, even tho it felt for me unfair (since i have office work), i accepted that and was helping her with cleaning and grocery.
-If we had some small fight, she was who came first to make peace id say, i need more time to process my feelings. Fights was quite rare.
-Sometimes she was acting inappropriate, like teenager
-Was casually talking about some her facts from past, which wasn't nice to hear.
-Could casually mention her EXs, which i didn't like.
-We was talking about family and kids quite often
-She was sometime anxious met someone of her EXs when we were outside
-I noticed that somewhere after 6 she started appreciate me less, and even devaluating my achievements,
-Sex life from amazing went to okeish at best.
-Mentions that she have 2 personalities: "Little Girl" and "Personality of strong Man"
Reflags which i ignored:
-Before me she was married, and had like 5+ somewhat long relationships, i was never told why those relationships was ended ("They were good people, but there some issues and we were different" )
-She never were alone by long period of time
-Father left her family in childhood, but helping financially
-Overall her family looked messed up to me, grandparents/parents/sisters/cousins/aunts etc - all with multiple marriages and kids from different partners.
-No Career or Uni, not much work experience, only cosplay hobby
Breakup:
We had great vacation after which we introduced our moms to each other. And few weeks weird things started.
She came back home after vising her mom, she looked irritated and told me that she will go alone to birthday of her Twin-friends (we were invited together) and stay there overnight (since it hill be held in countryside). I was shocked by this, when i've asked the reason, she told that she cant completely relax when I'm near here, she is scared to do something which i would not like. Form me if felt like betrayal, and i still could not get clarity why she cant relax with me, and would possibly she could do.
Day after day something she was hitting me with some new unpleasant things. while internally i was still processing this birthday "case": again casually mentioning EX, canceling plans for next vacation (since she need to see father), rudeness and other minor things. I got so much "shit" from my loved one within few days, that i stonewalled hard for few days. Then i suggested her to do couple therapy, since i had no idea what's going on, and she couldn't explain her feelings either (or i did not understand). She was not enthusiastic about going for therapy.
Then she told me that she feels like this because of my mother (whom we see like few times a month), my mother do some cringe things sometimes (which i would interrupt), but mostly she was insisting us to get married and have kids. My partner never indicated before that she had issue with my mom, few times just mentioned that she don't know about what to speak with my mother and she feels shy. But because of my mom she feels like a just an "incubator" and "object", and she doesn't want to see her anymore and blamed me that i haven't "protected" from my mom (WTF) . That again was big hit for me, i have good relationship with mom, moreover i was happy and was sure that my girlfriend have good relationship with her.
Then we had somewhat "cold" week, i was feel myself like vegetable, since past few weeks of my life was i cycle office work ->fights -> insomnia. One day i got text (while in the office) that she deiced to breakup since we are very different and starting packing her things. When i came back i just got apartment keys and helped her move heavy things to car. I felt shocked, i couldn't say much. She looked cold, but sometimes i saw her eyes "wet"
Week after she came back to grab rest of her things, i wanted to talk, but she was avoiding conversations.
Mostly NC after that,
Overall within 3 weeks, from happy person with plans for future and was left heartbroken.
What i feel, i did wrong:
I might hurt her "feel of freedom ", when i told her that i would not like if she goes alone to club or have one to one meetings with her male friends. Within a year i hangout one time with boys (not in club, in apartment) and came late, since one friend was so drunk i had to drive him to another side of city and back. She was somewhat mad about this, even i warned her about situation. Overall her complaint was "Why for you it is allowed to hangout alone, but not for me?".
Some of her phrases during breakup phsae:
-"We are completely different " - but could never explain in what. when i asked.
-"You awesome and perfect , but so do i"
-"I cant blame your mother, she just loves you to much, and puts you on the pedestal"
-"i dont want to put you on the pedestal"
-"You don't understand my past and traumas"
-"I tired that i need to go though this over and over"
Sorry for long text and bad writing, not a native speaker.
