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Post by permanentdamage99 on Jul 10, 2024 13:42:05 GMT
He is 32, I am 25.
We are in a relationship, we dated for a few months before breaking up, and then we got back together recently (I posted about him before). First time we dated, this never happened, he still had some avoidant tendencies but never got this bad - like he never took space for this long from me, we always kept in touch, I guess we were still in the honeymoon phase and I was also very strict with my boundaries so it's like he tried to keep up with it to make me happy. I am way more soft this time around.
He is going through a bad period, he was in jail with his brother for a few days (can't really say here the reason), the jail time could cause him to lose his job since he works for the government, his mother ended up having a mental breakdown over it (she is also very ill) and he openly admitted the need to recharge his battery, that he is feeling overwhelmed and that all of that really affected him, especially the reaction of his mother. I showed him support these past few days saying I am here if he needs and that I don't feel good about the fact he is distancing from me instead of letting me be his support. He said that he doesn't want to involve anyone in his problems, it is his problem and he will solve it, he thanked me for my support and was very loving, affectionate (using the pet name he has for me and saying I am his love). He even suggested to see each other the next day after this emotional supportive talk, just to then bail the next day (We didn't confirm the plan tho but I assumed it was still on), he said he couldn't make it, he had problems to resolve regard everything, and that he will call me. After that, we texted for a day or two, I kinda pressured him because I wanted to see him, he said that I am right but he is so busy and drained.
And now it's been 4 days since I've heard from him.
I think he can't face the shame to see me and say to me the reason why he was in jail? Or maybe he is burn out and needs time? (I already know the reason he ended up there because I found out myself, so I am not judging him), but I really, really can't do this forever. Anyone had similiar experience with avoidant taking space for this long? I am not used to this. Do you think he just doesn't care about me anymore or this could be normal for him? I can't wrap my head around how he can go 4 days without talking to me. Does he not miss me? How should I deal with this?
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Post by alexandra on Jul 10, 2024 19:18:06 GMT
Is there any reason you're sticking around besides your own FA attachment patterns and issues playing out? He sounds like even more bad news than in your last post. He is indeed dealing with a lot and overwhelmed, and it's commendable he doesn't want to drag you down with him. Why did you decide to get back together when this continues to be a toxic situation? It's okay to be judgemental when someone does something that lands them in jail. Again, he doesn't want to drag you down with him so he knows he's not out of his mess or ready to be a good boyfriend. That's not on you, the only thing on you is you're sticking around. Perhaps you dealt with a similar person in your past and you're hoping things would be different and are repeating that dynamic now?
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Post by permanentdamage99 on Jul 11, 2024 6:24:46 GMT
Is there any reason you're sticking around besides your own FA attachment patterns and issues playing out? He sounds like even more bad news than in your last post. He is indeed dealing with a lot and overwhelmed, and it's commendable he doesn't want to drag you down with him. Why did you decide to get back together when this continues to be a toxic situation? It's okay to be judgemental when someone does something that lands them in jail. Again, he doesn't want to drag you down with him so he knows he's not out of his mess or ready to be a good boyfriend. That's not on you, the only thing on you is you're sticking around. Perhaps you dealt with a similar person in your past and you're hoping things would be different and are repeating that dynamic now? It's not that he ghosted me, it's that neither me or him is reaching out now. The reason I am in this relationship, is I never felt more connected to someone as I felt with him. Could be it's just the toxicity of it all, at this point. When it's good, it's the best feeling ever, no amount of words could display what we have when all is good. But when it's bad, it's the worst for me. He actually posted a close friend story, on instagram, last night (not the regular story, it's the one where you pick who can see it and he used it to breadcrumb me during our break up, He never posts anything, only when he wants my attention.), at 2 am, it was a song. So now I wonder why he didn't directly reach out instead of posting a story and waiting for a reaction? Is he expecting me to chase him? Especially since he is going through a lot? Maybe he expected me to be more concerned and giving more support? But I think he activated my avoidance now and I can't bring myself to reach out to him, at all. |
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Post by permanentdamage99 on Jul 11, 2024 12:33:21 GMT
Help  |
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Post by lovebunny on Jul 11, 2024 13:07:28 GMT
This is going to sound harsh, but you have to understand so you can free yourself from this potentially toxic situation. If he missed you, if he wanted to reach out to you and spend time with you, he would. He isn't playing games with you. Sure, it would be an ego boost to him if you chased him, or lost your mind over him so he could say "I knew there was a reason I was holding back. She's crazy!" But these little breadcrumbs are all he has to give. It is the most enthusiasm & commitment he can muster. At first, he could probably be more present & active because there was all this mystery, newness & excitement. But it was unsustainable long-term, and now you want more from him than he has to give, and it's become a chore to him. You, meanwhile, are spinning in circles trying to analyze his social media behavior, which is such a waste of your mind and soul. A couple of resources that helped me when I have been where you are: www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/natashaadamo.com/blog/exaholics.com/I say leave it be. Let the connection with him fall away, it is no longer sparking joy. It'll hurt at first, but down the road you'll be better off without this one. |
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Post by permanentdamage99 on Jul 11, 2024 13:28:49 GMT
I will. But everytime I am trying to, he pulls me back in. Every.single.time.
He won't let me go. I am not the only one holding on. Maybe I am the more open one, that is true.
I will try to let him go as I am over it in sense of I am not getting any urge to reach out to him or to chase, at all. I am talking about it cause I needed to hear other perspective. But I know him and he will again pull me back in.
I don't understand his need to talk about kids, and feelings (Wasn't the first to do so, it was his idea) if he didn't want to commit to me, that's what was keeping me attached to him. He is not just a men who I dated briefly and that's it, we said some important things to each other, but it's okay. I'll be okay.
Thank you.
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Post by mrob on Jul 11, 2024 13:39:41 GMT
I mostly agree with lovebunny. I’d say let it atrophy, or if you don’t trust yourself, then you could ask him not to contact you again and block him everywhere. Leave no back doors. Blocking isn’t necessarily always bad. Sometimes it just gives room to move on in relative peace |
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Post by permanentdamage99 on Jul 11, 2024 13:42:45 GMT
I will give him a few days to see if he does something, since I am not doing anything either. We are both pulling back. The effort is missing from both parts, I am doing the same as him, I can't just put all the blame on him, and it's not just an excuse but it is that way. It was all reciprocated till a few days ago (when he ended up in jail and became stressed), that is who he is - when he is facing stress he withdrawls, from everybody.
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Post by lovebunny on Jul 11, 2024 13:50:36 GMT
It's called "future faking," and it definitely sucks you in.
I was thinking just now how a person who truly WANTS and will be GOOD AT committed r'ship will try to get their life to a place where they can sustain one: Things like not be enmeshed with a parent or ex, have an income & place to live, the ability to care for their own mental health... Generally, it's smart to pick someone who doesn't get mired down family drama, isn't in the midst of big legal or financial woes or unmanaged health issues, etc.. Unless you don't mind someone who can't give much bandwidth to their romantic relationship.
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Post by permanentdamage99 on Jul 11, 2024 13:53:57 GMT
I agree with you and I know I deserve someone who is present and who doesn't retreat in his shell whenever something goes wrong in his life.
I was just stating why I am still holding on and that I am not the only one playing a role in this dynamic, since I am not anxious preoccupied, I am fearful avoidant, so I tend to understand certain things but never in my life did I experience something similiar.
I pulled back completely too, because I have no energy left for this.
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 11, 2024 14:06:06 GMT
I agree with you and I know I deserve someone who is present and who doesn't retreat in his shell whenever something goes wrong in his life. I was just stating why I am still holding on and that I am not the only one playing a role in this dynamic, since I am not anxious preoccupied, I am fearful avoidant, so I tend to understand certain things but never in my life did I experience something similiar. I pulled back completely too, because I have no energy left for this. See if you can indentify how this dynamic feels familiar. We tend to stick with relationships (even bad ones) when they feel familiar. How does what he is doing tie back to what experienced in childhood. Were you breadcrumbed and hopeful that things would change? Recognize that it really isn’t about him, but about your own personal trauma…..there is no fault…..there is only curiousity…..that is what allows you to move forward. |
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Post by tnr9 on Jul 11, 2024 14:08:42 GMT
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Post by permanentdamage99 on Jul 11, 2024 14:55:56 GMT
I agree with you and I know I deserve someone who is present and who doesn't retreat in his shell whenever something goes wrong in his life. I was just stating why I am still holding on and that I am not the only one playing a role in this dynamic, since I am not anxious preoccupied, I am fearful avoidant, so I tend to understand certain things but never in my life did I experience something similiar. I pulled back completely too, because I have no energy left for this. See if you can indentify how this dynamic feels familiar. We tend to stick with relationships (even bad ones) when they feel familiar. How does what he is doing tie back to what experienced in childhood. Were you breadcrumbed and hopeful that things would change? Recognize that it really isn’t about him, but about your own personal trauma…..there is no fault…..there is only curiousity…..that is what allows you to move forward. I grew up with an alcoholic father and I was neglected by him my entire childhood. But despite that, he was/is the person I loved the most, rather then my mother who was always present (but toxic in her own way, I don’t blame her). I think my man being avoidant really triggers that, and he had a difficult dynamic with his own father too. |
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Post by alexandra on Jul 11, 2024 17:54:14 GMT
I grew up with an alcoholic father and I was neglected by him my entire childhood. But despite that, he was/is the person I loved the most This is the answer to my question from earlier in the thread, "Perhaps you dealt with a similar person in your past and you're hoping things would be different and are repeating that dynamic now?" You've had to do a lot of mental gymnastics to keep your attachment to your father despite him not meeting your emotional and perhaps physical needs. This is playing out again here. I agree with you that your bf triggers your nervous system, due to the familiarity of having to reconcile and forgive all the bad stuff so you can have occasional highs of anxiety relief when things feel good. This intermittent reinforcement also fuels addictive behavior (think of it like a slot machine to a gambler). Love addiction is a thing for insecure attachers with anxious sides, and similarly, you'll feel withdrawals when your avoidant side isn't numbing or disassociating you. The way to get past it, sadly, is moving on, preferably with no contact until the withdrawals pass. The only way he can draw you back in is if you have weak boundaries and allow yourself to be drawn back in. But in general, there are a lot of issues on your end that truly have nothing to do with him, he just stirs them all back up in you, that you'd need to confront within yourself and address to not get dragged down into dynamics like this with him or someone else in the future. That's not your fault, it's just the hand you were dealt, but it's the underlying problem you need to address and heal. Your situation with your guy here is just a symptom of that. |
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Post by permanentdamage99 on Jul 11, 2024 18:21:36 GMT
I absolutely agree I have a lot of work to do with myself, I have a lot of childhood trauma I have to work on and adress.
At the same time, I am just reflecting on everything, and I don’t wanna look back and think I could’ve done more for him. Because I do suspect he suffers from depression, I do suspect he suffers of his own traumas, a person that sleeps for 12 hours, is always drained both physically and mentally and it’s not socially active - not just with me, it’s definitely going through something. And I am not saying this just as his girlfriend but as a person who deeply cares about him, regardless of what happens, since there is also the avoidant side in his character I can’t be open about it and ask him if he is struggling and if he suffers from depression, it would make him only pull further away.
I guess I need to focus on myself and my well being at this point, fair.
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