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Post by oldernotwiser on Jul 21, 2024 20:16:53 GMT
I have learnt a lot from this forum over these last couple of years and as an AP have recently ended a longterm situationship with an unaware FA. He has told me he won’t change and that it’s too scary to face therapy (he was a twin and the other twin died shortly after birth amongst other family issues).My question is this - how do you learn to be attracted to someone who is available/find chemistry? I have realised at the grand age of 59 that I haven’t just ‘not met the right person yet’ but actively chosen the wrong ones. I fear, and have read in here, that the vast majority of people on dating websites especially in the older age bracket have attachment issues and I feel doubtful I will meet someone secure. I am an empty nester having brought up a child on my own which took me out of the dating market for all of my forties. I am scared of being on my own for the rest of my life which has led me, in the past, to go back to the FA because I rationalised that breadcrumbs were better than no breadcrumbs. I dont want to do this anymore, have a very clear understanding of my part in the dynamic but want to know if others have found ways to be content on their own and how they did this. I feel very raw at the moment as only 3 weeks into breakup.
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Post by alexandra on Jul 21, 2024 20:41:32 GMT
You'll need more than 3 weeks to recover, but you're moving in the right direction so good for you! The answer to your question is really about building up your own strong sense of self, identity, ability to trust in self, and compassion for self. That in turn organically leads to increasingly better boundaries, which leads to not accepting behavior that is less than what you deserve. It is a process that takes time and practice. It might take a couple years. But as you go through it you will find dysfunctional behavior related to insecure attachment less and less attractive. The work on yourself is deliberate, but the shifting of attraction is more a gradual end result of that work on self. What is deliberate about choosing partners is choosing not to get involved and instead walking away from toxic dynamics in the first place, and then continuing to meet new people rather than getting disheartened, falling into an anxious scarcity mentality, and settling for another anxious-avoidant trap situation.
Your pool of good partners may also be smaller, but it's not static. People will come back on the market after divorces, being widowed, even earning secure themselves (it's never too late), so as long as the person has had enough time to heal and process and become emotionally available, there will be someone else out there looking for a healthy connection once you're ready.
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Post by anne12 on Jul 21, 2024 21:48:47 GMT
As an ap one of the things you have to learn is how to receive If you keep choosing people who will only give you breadcrumbs you will never get challenged. It’s when you have to receive your old abandonment wound will get activated jebkinnisonforum.com/post/23503/APs can have a very strong YES BUT…. We think that recieving love is suposed to be easy peasy, but for some IT is not. When you practise to take in love from others in small steps, you Will notise that your capasity to stay present in the face of love grows. In a more stable relationship when we practise recieving and when we release our fear of loosing the person, our belly can relax and our heart opens Up and we can finally feel love and appreciation.❤️ jebkinnisonforum.com/thread/1072/healing-anxious-ambivalent-attatchment-tricks |
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Post by anne12 on Jul 21, 2024 22:07:33 GMT
Making a love vision can be helpful You can use the exercise to cultivate the mood and feelings that you dream of are between the two of you! Make a vision that will make you (almost) experience, the relationship that you dream of RIGHT NOW. This vision can contribute significantly to attracting a lover, the only one in your life! It will open you to love , so you can be in the right place at the right time and do what it takes. Immediately drop the list of how your partner should be! Even if you get a partner with exactly the traits and qualities that are on your list, there will always be something that you have not thought of. You can also make a self love vision The love for yourself: How do you treat yourself, how do you show yourself love, what do you do to feel safe in your everyday life, do you fail yourself? Make loving steps towards yourself, take a small step every day. Make a self-love diary. Write 3-5 points each night about what you might have thought, said, done to pamper yourself. Read your vision from time to time. jebkinnisonforum.com/post/24339/ |
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Post by oldernotwiser on Jul 22, 2024 16:37:59 GMT
Thank you both for your insightful and wise feedback. I feel encouraged and hopeful that I will find a way through the complicated landscape of attachment and its challenges. Very helpful to have some strategies to start with and build from there - and also to take my time with it.
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