Devastated and confused after a long-distance breakup

Hello everyone,

This will be a long post and I'll include a shorter version at the end. I'm new here and was referred to this community by Reddit. Here is my dilemma with (who I think to be?) an avoidantly attached woman.

I (35M) live in the United States, but have the pleasure of studying for a PhD program overseas in London, England. I will typically travel for two months at a time. My last study-abroad was from November through January, which is when I met who I've accepted to now be my ex. We'll call her Cindy (34F). Prior to meeting Cindy, I was encouraged to try the dating apps by friends while in London as it's a big city and I live in a relatively quiet town with an older demographic. Many of friends come from multi-cultured backgrounds, as do I, so this felt natural to me. Sure enough, after balancing my studies with some good (and not so good) dates here and there, I met Cindy. She wasn't my usual type from a personality stand-point, but I wanted to challenge myself to meet different types of people. I identity as mostly secure, anxious leaning, and I found myself in a pattern of finding partners who were emotionally unavailable. So with Cindy, I thought, I'd try a different approach.

Cindy was much more logical and direct than any woman I've dated before. For what it's worth, I'm an 'INFJ' personality and she is an 'INTP'. However, I learned to appreciate the lack of "drama" that I had experienced with the women in my past who were certainly more anxious leaning with more of an appetite for theatrics. She was timid and not overly conversational, but she was open with me when I'd ask her personal questions and she was consistent in her communication. After our first date, which notably took place only two weeks before I had to head back to U.S., she told me that she was open to a long-distance relationship because she had plans to move away from the city in January '25 after she received her U.K. citizenship which would allow her to visit the U.S. She said, however, that she didn't want to be sexual with me until at least I visited the second time as she said she wasn't comfortable with physical affection until she warmed up to her partner in which case she wanted to be close "all the time".

We crammed another 9 or 10 days and nights together within the next two weeks which were enjoyable. No sex, but we were more physical and she was growing in comfort. I departed London in late January, and upon arriving home, Cindy and I stayed connected and had a lot of intimate conversations as I planned out my next visit. There were certain growing pains in our communication and preferences. I became busy about two weeks after returning home with my brother and our father who had a (albeit light) health scare. All of our communication was through Instagram and WhatsApp, but mostly Instagram as it was easier for her to send me reels and funny things and vice-versa. Notably, whenever I'd read her message, I'd respond immediately. However, my response this time took longer than usual given the circumstances. Upon texting her, she snapped at me for being late to reply. She said that if I wasn't giving attention to her, I was probably giving it to another woman, and that I should save my "bull**** excuses". 

I explained my situation, and she said that "even with those things it shouldn't be hard to respond to me". Nonetheless, rather than to become emotional myself, I recommended we speak on the phone to which she agreed. We worked through it, but I could tell she still held a bit of a grudge. Our conversation drifted to our childhoods (because my dad was a point of conversation), and she opened up. Cindy originally is from Romania, and was born in 1989 during the revolutions. She said she hated her parents and that they haven't spoke in years. She said that the reason she "hated herself" was because of her mother. She has a brother (who is married) and one niece. I opened up to her as well about having an alcoholic father and that I have my own issues that I've had to work on which stem from that. We talked about our past relationships as well. We've both been single for five years with some "almost-ships" in between. Hers were certainly more dramatic than mine, though to be fair I have a few embarrassing episodes. Her last two long-term relationships were in Romania and were with men who were verbally abusive and who dabbled in drugs. She claimed to never do drugs herself, but that she was a "fixer-upper" who wanted to help. When she moved to London, she only dated two men. One who still lived with his ex-wife, and the other was a single father whom she said "focused too much on his daughter" and "not enough on her". She explained that she feels it's important for her and I to always focus on each other even if we had children because our love will spill over to the child. I agreed with her analysis and am not entirely sure how "in the right" she was when venting about the single father she dated briefly. I did appreciate that she was at least making progress in realizing her mishaps in the past. This put me at ease at the time.

We pinned down my next visit - early August. This was quite a gap from January, but she was traveling to Romania to be with her family during the only other time I could be in London in April. And so, we continued our video dates and chats. Notably, Cindy had a small social media presence (180 or so followers), but she'd post a lot of stories. I'd say maybe two or three per day. She otherwise seemed to be quite private, but did say she liked attention and the spotlight at times. I raise this point as it became a bit of concern as we move forward in the story. Her communication, at times, started to lose consistency as April progressed. She wouldn't initiate as much, she'd leave me on "read" for hours before responding with a short reply, and all the while I'd receive notifications of "new stories" of random things she'd post on Instagram (memes, cat photos, etc.). Prior, she'd send those directly to me. I tried my best not to read too much into this behavior, but my anxious attachment did start to flare up for the first time. From my end, my feelings for her had bubbled over and I truly thought that she could be "the one". It's almost as if the universe was conspiring against me as right when I started to feel this way, she started to pull back.

Nonetheless, despite her replies losing consistency, she would always get back to me. One time, however, I felt disrespected. Cindy left me on "read" for two days (while updating her Instagram), and upon getting back to me, simply text "am I bad for completely forgetting about texting you back?". I stood firm in my boundaries and told her that I wasn't upset that she took time to get back to me, but that when she did she didn't apologize nor did she answer the questions I had in my prior text. We had a phone call, and though she didn't apologize directly, she did admit that she "wasn't perfect" and that there are "many things" she knew she needed to work on with her personality. She also told me that "apologizing is hard" for her and that I "shouldn't expect it much". In the context of our conversation, I believe she meant that while she will be sorry for her behavior at times, that it will hard to express it. This I can accept. I appreciated her response for the most part, though I could tell, again, that she was still holding a grudge. 

The peak of our relationship was reached in early July when Cindy again returned to Romania. She was only going for two weeks because she was bringing her niece back with her who had never been to London. Her niece is 10 for reference. My trip to see Cindy was shortly thereafter, only six weeks from this point, and I could tell she was looking forward to her next 30 or so days (time with her niece, then time with me). Her mood soured quickly upon her arrival to Romania, however. Cindy called me and we had a 6 hour phone call together because she was going through some family drama. In short, her niece had went through her belongings (diaries, personal items, etc.). Cindy was offended and she became upset with her brother and sister-in-law for not reacting more appropriately and disciplining her niece for this behavior because it has happened before. She was quite sad because she said felt she should not bring her niece back with her to London as punishment. We had a nice conversation and she was vulnerable with me, almost on the verge of tears. She then said she was going to "leave the city away from her family" which seemed serious to me as the whole point of her visiting was for her niece and to see her family and she still had two weeks of being in Romania. I told her that I couldn't wait to see her and that it was only a few weeks away and that I would "make it up to her" and to "stay strong". The next few days, Cindy was flirty and quite texty with me - sending photos, video reels of herself on the way to adventure spots with her friends, etc. I really felt at peace. Things were going great in my life personally, professional, and in just a few weeks I'd be going to see my beautiful girlfriend again after six months. I started to let my guard down and appreciate all of those qualities that rubbed me the wrong way in the beginning. I started to love her quirks and shortcomings, her Romanian background and cute accent. 

But then, another low came. The first weekend she had in Romania, about three weeks prior to me visiting, Cindy reverted to being more distant. She wouldn't initiate at all and left me on read more than usual. Her second week in Romania we barely communicated. After being "left on read" for four days, I sent her a text checking in to make sure everything was okay and she said she "didn't like the way our conversation made her feel" and that she "doesn't know what to say sometimes". We weren't talking about anything serious. It was more or less about some places in the United States and comparing Romania to London. My anxiousness was nearing its peak, and I did ask for confirmation of her feelings. She seemed confused, more or less saying "of course I still want you to visit" and that "everything is okay". We agreed to have a call when she returned to London to schedule activities (like Harry Potter World) and some out-of-city local stays. But after this, again there was nothing from her. No initiation, no checking on me. I felt that if I didn't initiate, she wouldn't. Her Instagram stories and posts continued, however.

Now for the climax. Cindy never told me when she returned to London, but of course, she updated her Instagram story. To be fair, I could have initiated, but I suppose the devil of my anxiousness wanted to test to see if she cared enough to do so. I initiated contact a few days after to check on her. She got back to me, and essentially said that she had been busy with friends and that I was "making this all about me" and that it's not possible for her to simply "forget the past and what happened" (i.e., my not getting back to her in time on one occasion). I told her that I'd like to have a conversation so we could work this out and plan my trip, and she again left me on read. A few hours later, I sent what I thought was a comforting text to her, and then she blew up on me and told me that I was acting "like a maniac" over for how the last two weeks had been. I set a firm boundary, essentially telling her that I care about her and know she is a good person, but that her behavior wasn't acceptable and that we needed to come together and plan my travels. She then said that she wasn't going to waste her "beautiful day of sunshine on this bullshit". I gave it ten minutes or so and sent her a reply. Only... it didn't go through. She removed me as a follower on her Instagram and set her privacy to "followers only can message". I sent a follow request to her, hoping she'd accept it quickly so we could talk, but she never accepted it.

And that's where we are. It's been nearly two weeks now and I have no method of contacting her. I tried her on WhatsApp and even TikTok, but messages to her on both of those apps are still "not seen", and my request to follow her on Instagram has been pending ever since our argument. I'm pretty devastated and confused as to how this happened so quickly. She has some great qualities despite our differences. At 30, she went back to school and obtained her bachelors and then completed a coding bootcamp. She's a great aunt and has a fun sense of humor. She doesn't take herself too seriously. However, she's also cold and distant at times, untrusting, and when I would joke with her sometimes she'd take it personally. One time I poked fun at her because I could hear her spraying her deodorant on over the phone, and she went on a rant about how it doesn't matter if she uses a stick or spray and that I shouldn't make jokes about such "petty things". She also a few times would only respond to certain parts of my texts and then later ask me, "do you know why I chose not to respond to this part?" as if to punish or test me? I'm not sure. I know in these posts it can be easy to try to demonize our partners, but I want to be clear that I do not think she is malicious, uncaring, or a bad person. I truly was falling in love with her for all of her good qualities of which I think she has many.

And I'm not perfect either, of course. I'm sure someone could nitpick the hell out of me, too. But, I am communicative. I could never cut someone out like this. With Cindy, I grew to appreciate her hard-headedness. I know she's trying to clean up her shortcomings. But this? I have no idea what just happened. It seems like such a small issue to lose our whole future over and I cannot stop fantasizing of having even just a 5-minute phone call with her. That's all it would take to end this nightmare and we could see each other again. She wanted me to stay at her apartment and we'd have a whole 3-months together. And now? It's like my whole life has been turned upside down. With my studies, I had to essentially cancel my trip and push it out until October. The thought of being alone in that big city knowing she's so close yet so far away seemed like torture to me.

TL;DR

I (35M) started dating my girlfriend (34F) long-distance in January. We met in London where I frequent every few months and logistically, despite the distance, it made sense (see the full post for clarity). She had flashes of being untrusting of me and holding grudges, but otherwise was mostly consistent and mutually caring of me. We'd talk on the phone a lot and were building intimacy leading to my next visit in August (the whole relationship from first meeting to the end was about 7.5 months). At the 3ish or so month mark, she started to become distant, but I adjusted to this and we got back on track. A few weeks prior to visiting her in London again, she had a falling out with her family when she was visiting them in Romania and self-isolated. She relied on me to comfort her, which I was happy to do. This strengthened our bound and my affection for her grew a lot. However, this high only lasted a few days as she became distant again and initiated what I can only label as self-sabotage. She was going to tell me when she returned to London so we could plan my trip together, but she never did. When I initiated with her a few days later, she was cold and uncaring. At the peak of our argument, she blocked me and I haven't been able to speak to her since. I've now accepted that it's over.

A few TL;DR notes. She's an INTP and scored "highly untrusting" when we took a fun personality test together. She is not close with either parent (doesn't speak to them) and doesn't like her sister-in-law nor does she approve of her brother's behavior. History of toxic relationships; most recently she dated a man who still lived with his ex-wife and a single father who "prioritized his daughter over her" too much (more context in my post). A bit cold and direct, but not bossy. A good sense of humor, quirky, hard working. Worked late hours a lot. Within her hard shell she was creative, funny, enjoyed laughing and would was always up for adventures. At her core a good person who I miss terribly and wish would come back so we could sort this out.