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Post by wingedheart on Aug 3, 2024 15:51:57 GMT
I'm beginning to understand the FA cycle as it pertains to an AP or Secure, but the latter stages are a bit confusing to me. - Stage 1: FA and Partner 1 (P1) begin a romance which starts off great
- Stage 2: Intimacy builds, P1 and FA grow in closeness over the course of the honeymoon phase
- Stage 3: As the relationship becomes "real", FA's engulfment wound begins to activate, FA starts to distance and micro-shifts behaviors, and P1 grows in anxiousness/concern
- Stage 4: An Argument erupts, whether it's started by the FA directly or P1 whose growing frustrations with FA's shift in behavior have finally boiled over
- Stage 5: FA's engulfment wound is fully activated, FA avoids solution and repair, FA ghosts/leaves. P1 is devastated and may chase, FA ignores/blocks/stonewalls
- Stage 6: After a few weeks, FA becomes regulated, their abandonment wound is activated again, and FA seeks intimacy again, typically with a new prospect (Partner 2, or P2)
- Stage 7: After months, FA either attempts to return to P1 (or welcomes P1 reaching out) to seek reconciliation, or they find a successful replacement in the dating pool and P2 is upgraded to the new new P1
- <Back to Stage 1>
I understand this is not a "one-size-fits-all" and there are deviations, however from my research and through reading other stories this tends to be the dominant trend. Knowing that FAs value intimacy and close connections, why would they rather seek to start over with someone new and go through all of the hoops again (which has a much higher chance of triggering their abandonment wound) rather than to return to the original partner who they know care about them? Is it resentment? Blame-shifting?
Of course a large part of this answer is simply "they're insecure", but the trauma that is backing this behavior seems odds to me. Their original partner, from my perspective, represents security (when their engulfment isn't triggered). They surely know they are a "safe bet" so-to-speak, given how they likely chased the FA after the break-up and poured their hearts out (especially if they're AP). So why not go back and why jump back into the dating pool? I am AP, so perhaps it's my differing wiring that's making it hard to understand, but I couldn't ever think of replacing someone I loved after only a few weeks. I'd be all-hands-on-deck trying to repair the relationship and compromise, especially in cases where they wasn't any overt abuse, etc.
Note: For context, I had a recent long-distance relationship (8 months) with my ex whom community members suspected is FA. There was no big drama, no abuse, no big fights, which ended with them ghosting me a month prior to my return to their city. When it ended, I did chase and leave heart-felt messages which apologized for my side of things and asked for a chance at reconciliation/repair via a phone call. A friend of mind recently saw them back on the dating after only two weeks post-breakup as my messages, and seemingly all of our past, were completely ignored and neglected.
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Post by alexandra on Aug 3, 2024 21:28:42 GMT
I still want to respond to your other thread but haven't had a chance. To briefly answer this question, you're putting way too much stock in the other person being conscious and aware of their own behavior. Perhaps you're thinking others think about relationships and things in general the same way as you as well, but different attachment styles (and different people) have different needs. The FA in this example may feel like the relationship failed because P1 was the wrong person for them, and they're going to rinse and repeat with someone new because the fantasy can live again. "This new person feels good. So maybe they will be the right one and solve all my problems!"
That's really all there is to it. Unaware FAs who engage in this pattern are very reactionary people, not proactive, not intentional, and are doing all they can to distract themselves and avoid dealing with the pain of their own problems.
In creating this list, it seems like you're trying to be hypervigilant in anticipating a future scenario in which perhaps you can reconnect instead of staying present and dealing with current disconnection, though. Does that help you, or does that allow you to ruminate and stay connected in your mind without actually processing through your emotions about the situation? APs ruminate as a defense mechanism to continue to feel a connection on their side and to avoid being present and processing unpleasant feelings or realities. It keeps you stuck instead of going through the steps of grief.
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Post by wingedheart on Aug 3, 2024 23:01:03 GMT
I still want to respond to your other thread but haven't had a chance. To briefly answer this question, you're putting way too much stock in the other person being conscious and aware of their own behavior. Perhaps you're thinking others think about relationships and things in general the same way as you as well, but different attachment styles (and different people) have different needs. The FA in this example may feel like the relationship failed because P1 was the wrong person for them, and they're going to rinse and repeat with someone new because the fantasy can live again. "This new person feels good. So maybe they will be the right one and solve all my problems!" That's really all there is to it. Unaware FAs who engage in this pattern are very reactionary people, not proactive, not intentional, and are doing all they can to distract themselves and avoid dealing with the pain of their own problems. In creating this list, it seems like you're trying to be hypervigilant in anticipating a future scenario in which perhaps you can reconnect instead of staying present and dealing with current disconnection, though. Does that help you, or does that allow you to ruminate and stay connected in your mind without actually processing through your emotions about the situation? APs ruminate as a defense mechanism to continue to feel a connection on their side and to avoid being present and processing unpleasant feelings or realities. It keeps you stuck instead of going through the steps of grief. Thank you for your response. I do understand the fantasy logic. It's easier to start with a fresh canvas and write a few chapters of a new story than it is to finish a book. You're correct about the rumination. When I vent about her and analyze things I do feel connected still. Moreover, Stage 4 has me trapped. If I had just been neutral and calm and asked for a phone call instead of becoming upset with her maybe I'd still be flying out to see her. And then maybe then it'd be different. That's what hurts me at current. I have so much guilt and I'm trying to fight it with logic. Like, if she wouldn't have blocked me and I could have apologized. Or if she hadn't started becoming distant I wouldn't have felt so frustrated to begin with. I just want to be sure I have my fair share of the blame. |
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Post by alexandra on Aug 3, 2024 23:39:07 GMT
If I had just been neutral and calm and asked for a phone call instead of becoming upset with her maybe I'd still be flying out to see her. And then maybe then it'd be different. For what it's worth, I really don't think so. If not this moment, she'd have found another to cancel the trip. Don't what if yourself in circles. Healthy relationships don't hinge on one moment of misunderstanding or disagreement tanking the entire thing. |
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Post by wingedheart on Aug 4, 2024 1:44:02 GMT
If I had just been neutral and calm and asked for a phone call instead of becoming upset with her maybe I'd still be flying out to see her. And then maybe then it'd be different. For what it's worth, I really don't think so. If not this moment, she'd have found another to cancel the trip. Don't what if yourself in circles. Healthy relationships don't hinge on one moment of misunderstanding or disagreement tanking the entire thing. Thank you for your insight. I certainly wasn't perfect and maybe I'm being too hard on myself. Perhaps some of my guilt stems from the earlier stages of the courtship because I was a bit ambivalent towards her based on her behaviors. Not everything was black-and-white or "good or bad", but through the lens of compatibility. There are certain qualities I admired about her but didn't appreciate I guess you could say. And definitely vice-versa. But that was part of ... us... I guess. We'd push each other buttons on occasion but not in a bad way. I learned to like those things. And when she opened open and such I knew she cared and it meant a lot to her for me to listen. About three weeks before my next visit to see her I really committed in my heart that going to see her was the right thing for me and that I need to have an open-mind because she was invested in me as well (this was after our 6 hour phone call where she was quite vulnerable). Then just days later she started to pull back and my AP tendencies kicked in because I certainly started to test her when she became distant. I should have known better than to do that. And when she became distant so often towards the end, I caved and became distant too. The weekend we were supposed to have a call, I could have initiated but I didn't because I didn't feel respected. And not in an overly needy way. I remember taking showers in the morning when I'd still see know text from her and think, "what the hell is going on here?". But looking back I did participate in the lack of communication once it hit the red-line. So it's hard not to feel a bit guilty. I hate to look at it this way, but to use an analogy it's sort of like she filled the kitchen sink to 95% with water and at the end I feel I turned on the faucet full-blast which caused the over-flow. But it's our sink, so if I had to carry a bit more of the burden to get the level down I could have. This attachment stuff really is everything isn't it. Oh my gosh.  |
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Post by anne12 on Aug 4, 2024 4:41:29 GMT
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Post by lovebunny on Aug 4, 2024 13:17:18 GMT
In creating this list, it seems like you're trying to be hypervigilant in anticipating a future scenario in which perhaps you can reconnect instead of staying present and dealing with current disconnection, though. Does that help you, or does that allow you to ruminate and stay connected in your mind without actually processing through your emotions about the situation? APs ruminate as a defense mechanism to continue to feel a connection on their side and to avoid being present and processing unpleasant feelings or realities. It keeps you stuck instead of going through the steps of grief. Spot on. And I can just about guarantee that the ex FA in this case is NOT sitting around making detailed lists or doing very much introspection at all, in fact. Your rumination is a protective mechanism your brain is trying to make sure this can never happen again. And yes, you need to learn to recognize this sort of person. But the truth is, there are hundreds of flavors of emotional unavailability, FA is just one of them. Better to work on your own boundaries & define your own wants and needs, do things to make your life better. Self-examination is a far more effective way to make yourself less likely to end up blindsided & dumped. |
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Post by Deleted on Aug 7, 2024 13:09:53 GMT
You've got to learn to look at the end of a relationship like this as an actual death. Death. Death of an illusion. Death of the relationship. Death of the opportunity to engage. Death. An end to grieve. It's not coming back, and any fantasy about reconciliation with this person is just that... a fantasy and a distraction. You'll go through stages. Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.
It's like showing up to a funeral hoping the corpse will rise out of the casket to flog it like this. That's your problem as an anxious, ruminating attacher. See it for what it is. It's a dead relationship and you need to face that and stop walking around the casket obsessing. How? Make lists about your own missteps and work on those, because the relationship is dead dead dead.
Painful but true. And there will be more deaths long the way. You don't want to keep going in this rut.
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Post by tnr9 on Aug 9, 2024 15:28:06 GMT
For what it's worth, I really don't think so. If not this moment, she'd have found another to cancel the trip. Don't what if yourself in circles. Healthy relationships don't hinge on one moment of misunderstanding or disagreement tanking the entire thing. Thank you for your insight. I certainly wasn't perfect and maybe I'm being too hard on myself. Perhaps some of my guilt stems from the earlier stages of the courtship because I was a bit ambivalent towards her based on her behaviors. Not everything was black-and-white or "good or bad", but through the lens of compatibility. There are certain qualities I admired about her but didn't appreciate I guess you could say. And definitely vice-versa. But that was part of ... us... I guess. We'd push each other buttons on occasion but not in a bad way. I learned to like those things. And when she opened open and such I knew she cared and it meant a lot to her for me to listen. About three weeks before my next visit to see her I really committed in my heart that going to see her was the right thing for me and that I need to have an open-mind because she was invested in me as well (this was after our 6 hour phone call where she was quite vulnerable). Then just days later she started to pull back and my AP tendencies kicked in because I certainly started to test her when she became distant. I should have known better than to do that. And when she became distant so often towards the end, I caved and became distant too. The weekend we were supposed to have a call, I could have initiated but I didn't because I didn't feel respected. And not in an overly needy way. I remember taking showers in the morning when I'd still see know text from her and think, "what the hell is going on here?". But looking back I did participate in the lack of communication once it hit the red-line. So it's hard not to feel a bit guilty. I hate to look at it this way, but to use an analogy it's sort of like she filled the kitchen sink to 95% with water and at the end I feel I turned on the faucet full-blast which caused the over-flow. But it's our sink, so if I had to carry a bit more of the burden to get the level down I could have. This attachment stuff really is everything isn't it. Oh my gosh. Sooo…instead of looking so deeply into the past with this 1 relationship…I would highly recommend you go a step further and see if you can make connections between this relationship and your childhood. A therapist would be a great resource on your healing journey and can work with you to improve your sense of yourself and your boundaries. |
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