Still reeling.. update, onwards and upwards.

And you're right, mrob. In The past several years this hasn't been a place where slamming avoidants goes over well. Most of the long term posters the OP thanked for being here are transforming avoidants, as a matter of fact. Fearful and Dismissive... with the exception of our resident AP expert Alexandra. So there are more active avoidants here than secure or AP. A prime reason there are few AP's is because they don't stick around once they experience some challenging of their own insecure behaviors. Lots of times they get super triggered in their own shame. AP's tend to have a focus outside of themselves, until they turn it all inward in catastrophic self shaming and blaming. Its painful to see. Lots of people show up saying they are secure but are clearly not secure as they lay out in detail their textbook insecure behaviors. They don't like hearing it, which is understandable but not enough to silence the voice of reason that prevails here.

There's been a secure person or two maybe, who pops in and out on on their way.

But for the regular posters, this has been a place to gain insight into themselves, all are welcome, all are supported and respected. We don't censor ourselves to avoid triggering people who ask for feedback. The hope is that they will join in on the self improvement. Not many do, but that's ok- they just aren't there yet.

That said, anger is definitely a part of the breakup process. It's fair to express anger, like any other feeling. But pretty much everyone here knows that if you just got out of a breakup, there's some work to do on yourself, too. It's normal. Also, anger is most productive when it inspires one to develop more skilled ways of relating in order to protect themselves. Developing healthier relationship skills makes a person a better partner for any future endeavors as well.

At any rate, this place would suck if it lost the people who regularly contribute who need a safe space to do so. That should be respected, in my opinion.

mrob/ introvert. I apologise wholeheartedly for responding the way I did. I truly thought you were calling me a ‘chump lady’ In Scotland we call these people ‘dafties’ I was daft to get triggered. Introvert/I see what you’re saying about people identifying as secure who are really AP. I’ve come through a lot of milestones in knowing myself/ been lucky to have had therapy and had a previous very long rewarding relationship which ended in love and support. I had been single and celibate for many years.. I own completely that towards the end of my recent relationship I was leaning AP and ruminating on why the relationship wasn’t deepening, I’m such an independent person that I noticed this change in myself.. I had begun to lose my daily priorities, my self love, I was putting his needs before my own and yes bending myself out of shape to please him. I was however, literally pretending to him that the relationship was fine and that I didn’t need more commitment or deeper conversation. So neither of us were being authentic.
The first 8/9 months were akin to love bombing.. I believe as an
FA, he meant what he said at the time. He wanted to be with me all the time, talk constantly.. his need for connection actually surpassed mine. I didn’t need 2 hr phone conversations when I would have been seeing him the next day? Yet I went along with it because it pleased him..
My adult son has just had cancer all clear and whilst we were waiting for this brilliant news to come in my Ex phoned me and began sexting and trying to get me to have phone sex. I did feel the ‘ Ick’ .. it was so inappropriate, thoughtless timing etc. Thinking back he did resent any time I was spending with friends or my boy. It came out as passive aggression at a later date. Also during this time he read that there had been a car crash on a dual carriageway( miles from my home??) He phoned me obsessively asking whether I was ok.. he was definitely leaning AP during these months.
At the year mark.. I believe he was slowly deactivating, there was the holiday to go on.. I would have had to meet more of his family. He was strangely detached from most of them.. except a younger son who he appeared to be closer to. Despite promises that I’d meet this boy I never did. He remained affectionate, very preoccupied with sex until the end.. he told me he loved me in the morning before he walked away from me and left me. I haven’t chased him, I haven’t even approached him about the holiday.. five days in I sent him an email saying I understood we processed anger and an argument differently, told him I valued and loved him and said I’d give him the space he needed. He didn’t reply.
Anne12.. Thankyou for the link to covert narcissism, I suppose I don’t want to think of him this way although many of his behaviours are Narc like.. the lack of empathy in the moment, the way I was dumped.. the love bombing? It truly would be easier as I do go through the stages of grieving the relationship to see him as a Narcissist. I suppose I want to see the relationship accurate though, heal from it and move on. I want to shift to my secure or more secure side again. That’s the goal.

Another thing... peri/menopause. I am early 50s as well, and anxiety during this transition has made me think I'd gone AP as well... emotions all over the place, lability, volatility, insecurity. That part has passed, but it definitely impacted my mode of relating. In the thick of it, while it was generalized, I still felt needy and out of balance with myself and my partner. Stresses in the relationship had me twisting around emotionally and I didn't feel solid in myself.

So- lots of moving parts. You're rolling up your sleeves to get at it, which is great- but also remember that analyzing and figuring it out can be avoiding the real gut wrenching emotions. Shock and disgust and all of it can cover up the grief of having trusted and been let down. I trust you know what to do... go through it honestly and without shame. You're human and you got really hurt here. It's ok to just grieve it. You don't have to prove how smart and tough you are, you are clearly accomplished in many ways. But you got hurt and you need to tend to that. Best to you.