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Post by Deleted on Dec 24, 2017 17:10:15 GMT
My DA ex want cuddle me after we breakup and be open to contact and even spending time together. He said he isn't planning on getting back together but wouldn't be shocked if we did. What's up with this behaviour?
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 26, 2017 12:58:27 GMT
Right....so he isn't closing the door completely but he is level setting expectations with you and resetting the clock. I know it sounds a lot like a second chance...but he isn't committing to anything. In his eyes, that would not be mixed signals because he still gets to spend time with you and cuddle but without the expectation that this will turn back into a relationship. And if things don't go well..or you start expecting more from him, he can always refer back to the fact that this is not a relationship...even if some of what he wants you would only do in a committed relationship. If I were you...I would suggest you state clearly what your boundaries are in terms of a friendship and ask him to honor those boundaries. Otherwise...I think you may find yourself in a scenario where your heart is more invested than his.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 26, 2017 17:34:23 GMT
I didnt set a boundary but I cancelled our hangout. Why doesn't he just close the door permanently? I'm a safety net? I know he has never felt a connection/love like the one we had...don't know what that's worth to him.
Any insight into his slower exit after the breakup this time as opposed to the swift one last time?
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Post by Deleted on Dec 26, 2017 18:32:19 GMT
I didnt set a boundary but I cancelled our hangout. Why doesn't he just close the door permanently? I'm a safety net? I know he has never felt a connection/love like the one we had...don't know what that's worth to him. Any insight into his slower exit after the breakup this time as opposed to the swift one last time? It's hard to say without knowing any of the history, but sometimes, I have spoken the words, I want to break up when what I meant was, I need space. I had learned that asking for space was not always successful, so the only way to get it was to "break up". It's possible he has feelings for you, but needs space and time. |
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 26, 2017 19:37:23 GMT
I didnt set a boundary but I cancelled our hangout. Why doesn't he just close the door permanently? I'm a safety net? I know he has never felt a connection/love like the one we had...don't know what that's worth to him. Any insight into his slower exit after the breakup this time as opposed to the swift one last time? I would need to defer to another DA...but my ex stated he wanted to remain friends even if things did not work out romantically. Just from my limited knowledge...and reading the boards...if having a defined relationship causes someone to have anxiety (and he/she just isn't sure whether he/she can handle that or as in my case my ex knows that I am not "the one"), but that anxiety does not exist in a friendship, and if your ex doesn't want to lose what he perceived as the good parts of the relationship wthout the definition of a relationship...then he will see no issue with still hanging out etc. In a way, it is flattering....you are someone he cares about and he wants to keep you in his life...but you have to decide whether the terms that he has laid out are ones that you can agree to. If not, then you are the one who will likely need to close the door. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 26, 2017 19:58:15 GMT
I didnt set a boundary but I cancelled our hangout. Why doesn't he just close the door permanently? I'm a safety net? I know he has never felt a connection/love like the one we had...don't know what that's worth to him. Any insight into his slower exit after the breakup this time as opposed to the swift one last time? I would need to defer to another DA...but my ex stated he wanted to remain friends even if things did not work out romantically. Just from my limited knowledge...and reading the boards...if having a defined relationship causes someone to have anxiety (and he/she just isn't sure whether he/she can handle that or as in my case my ex knows that I am not "the one"), but that anxiety does not exist in a friendship, and if your ex doesn't want to lose what he perceived as the good parts of the relationship wthout the definition of a relationship...then he will see no issue with still hanging out etc. In a way, it is flattering....you are someone he cares about and he wants to keep you in his life...but you have to decide whether the terms that he has laid out are ones that you can agree to. If not, then you are the one who will likely need to close the door. He has never remained friends with an ex before so it's hard to see him wanting that with me outside of romance. He did think I was the one, or at least used to anyway. I wouldn't let myself be led on. It's a huge turn off for me. |
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Post by kristyrose on Dec 26, 2017 20:08:15 GMT
Hi peonies,
My FA ex did the exact same thing. He broke up with me in April of this year but told me he wanted to be friends and that this is something he never does. We have been "friends" now for 7 months, completely on his terms, which actually means we carry on the same as before, sex, dates and sleepovers without being in an actual committed relationship because its too much for him to deal with. Every time I pull away he pursues me, but if we spend too much time together for his comfort, he brutally pushes me away, again and again.
What Tnr9 says is absolutely true-you have to decide if you can live with his terms because it is very unlikely he will compromise at this point. I did 10 days NC to try and get some space from my ex, but he came back full force, yet, without the promise of anything other than this "friendship"- I wish I had set boundaries at the beginning of this happening because now I am forced to walk away or keep agreeing to this painful dance.
I'm not sure why they can't close the door entirely, but instead of reading into it, like I do, see it for what it is- they are confused and their confusion will only cause you pain. Take it from me. If you can walk away now, do so and do not look back or try to be friends. You very well could be the best of everything to him which is why he won't really let you go, but it's going to hurt so much more if you stay.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 26, 2017 21:37:33 GMT
Hi peonies, My FA ex did the exact same thing. He broke up with me in April of this year but told me he wanted to be friends and that this is something he never does. We have been "friends" now for 7 months, completely on his terms, which actually means we carry on the same as before, sex, dates and sleepovers without being in an actual committed relationship because its too much for him to deal with. Every time I pull away he pursues me, but if we spend too much time together for his comfort, he brutally pushes me away, again and again. What Tnr9 says is absolutely true-you have to decide if you can live with his terms because it is very unlikely he will compromise at this point. I did 10 days NC to try and get some space from my ex, but he came back full force, yet, without the promise of anything other than this "friendship"- I wish I had set boundaries at the beginning of this happening because now I am forced to walk away or keep agreeing to this painful dance. I'm not sure why they can't close the door entirely, but instead of reading into it, like I do, see it for what it is- they are confused and their confusion will only cause you pain. Take it from me. If you can walk away now, do so and do not look back or try to be friends. You very well could be the best of everything to him which is why he won't really let you go, but it's going to hurt so much more if you stay. Hey thanks for sharing. I think our situations are quite different. He didn't ask to be friends and he didn't try to sleep with me. He says he is still in love with me, which is not the usual feeling when he breaks up. The last time we broke up and got back together, he asked me to date exclusively before we slept together again. I would not sleep with him with him otherwise. We only cuddled and kissed while he we were still living together after we broke up. I honestly couldn't see him trying to sleep with me without us being in a relationship, and I wouldn't let that happen. |
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Post by kristyrose on Dec 27, 2017 0:11:26 GMT
Ah I see. I misunderstood and thought he wanted to keep you in his life as friends.
I think it's great that you set boundaries and look after yourself.
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 27, 2017 1:07:36 GMT
Hi peonies, My FA ex did the exact same thing. He broke up with me in April of this year but told me he wanted to be friends and that this is something he never does. We have been "friends" now for 7 months, completely on his terms, which actually means we carry on the same as before, sex, dates and sleepovers without being in an actual committed relationship because its too much for him to deal with. Every time I pull away he pursues me, but if we spend too much time together for his comfort, he brutally pushes me away, again and again. What Tnr9 says is absolutely true-you have to decide if you can live with his terms because it is very unlikely he will compromise at this point. I did 10 days NC to try and get some space from my ex, but he came back full force, yet, without the promise of anything other than this "friendship"- I wish I had set boundaries at the beginning of this happening because now I am forced to walk away or keep agreeing to this painful dance. I'm not sure why they can't close the door entirely, but instead of reading into it, like I do, see it for what it is- they are confused and their confusion will only cause you pain. Take it from me. If you can walk away now, do so and do not look back or try to be friends. You very well could be the best of everything to him which is why he won't really let you go, but it's going to hurt so much more if you stay. Hey thanks for sharing. I think our situations are quite different. He didn't ask to be friends and he didn't try to sleep with me. He says he is still in love with me, which is not the usual feeling when he breaks up. The last time we broke up and got back together, he made sure we were exclusively dating before we slept together. I would not sleep with him without that anyway. We only cuddled and kissed while he was still living here after we broke up, and I told him it was too soon to hang out when he asked if we were still on for our hangout. I honestly couldn't see him trying to sleep with me without us being in a relationship, and I wouldn't let that happen. So what exactly are you defining this: My DA ex want cuddle me after we breakup and be open to contact and even spending time together. He said he isn't planning on getting back together but wouldn't be shocked if we did. What's up with this behavior? If he is saying he isn't planning on getting back together but wants to keep you in his life...how would you define what you put above? |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 27, 2017 3:23:09 GMT
If he is saying he isn't planning on getting back together but wants to keep you in his life...how would you define what you put above? I dunno, I guess it means nothing other than he doesn't know the future but wouldn't be surprised if we got back together because of our connection. I'm not sure he wants to keep me in his life. |
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 27, 2017 3:39:26 GMT
If he is saying he isn't planning on getting back together but wants to keep you in his life...how would you define what you put above? I dunno, I guess it means nothing other than he doesn't know the future but wouldn't be surprised if we got back together because of our connection. I'm not sure he wants to keep me in his life. I have received those words from a different ex....but the "would not be surprised" did not happen...however I do remember holding onto to those words like they were a promisary note for months after the breakup and used it to justify very intimate cuddling/texting and traveling to be with him. I had to cut ties completely because I did not want to live with a "maybe" hanging over me while he made up his mind. i hope yours turns out differently. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 27, 2017 3:58:53 GMT
I dunno, I guess it means nothing other than he doesn't know the future but wouldn't be surprised if we got back together because of our connection. I'm not sure he wants to keep me in his life. I have received those words from a different ex....but the "would not be surprised" did not happen...however I do remember holding onto to those words like they were a promisary note for months after the breakup and used it to justify very intimate cuddling/texting and traveling to be with him. I had to cut ties completely because I did not want to live with a "maybe" hanging over me while he made up his mind. i hope yours turns out differently. Thank you. I'm sorry you went through that. |
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lucky
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Post by lucky on Jan 2, 2018 23:38:34 GMT
My DA ex want cuddle me after we breakup and be open to contact and even spending time together. He said he isn't planning on getting back together but wouldn't be shocked if we did. What's up with this behaviour? Of course, I don't know exactly what he is thinking. As a 'recovering DA', if I was to say that to someone, I care for them. But don't want the pressure of being in a relationship. Same goes for cuddling after a breakup - he cares about you. Reading your responses above, if he sleeps with you, you have an understanding that it is exclusive. So in that case, the question becomes if you are in an exclusive relationship without the title, and without the promise of the possibility that it will lead to marriage - is that okay with you? If not, I wouldn't bother. Because what is the point of a cuddle buddy with no future? Whats the point of remaining romantically involved with someone that offers you no future, if 'a future' is what you want'? And of course, what is 'a future'? is that marriage? Is that just 'see where this goes'? If it is 'see where this goes' and if it going nowhere is okay with you - then go ahead. But if it has to go 'somewhere', he is saying he wants no obligation to take you to somewhere. sorry, this is so convoluted. Please ask for clarification if you need it. |
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Post by scarlett on Jan 3, 2018 4:13:29 GMT
I didnt set a boundary but I cancelled our hangout. Why doesn't he just close the door permanently? I'm a safety net? I know he has never felt a connection/love like the one we had...don't know what that's worth to him. Any insight into his slower exit after the breakup this time as opposed to the swift one last time? From what I understand, they very often don't like how they feel after they have a breakup and have a little time alone. They feel abandoned and alone. So, they like to avoid that feeling and "have you in the house, but not in the same room." They don't want to pay the emotional fee that everyone must pay in a relationship: being vulnerable, being committed, so they want the "feeling" of having you, but fear the "pressure" of having you. Intimacy is scary for them. I break up with mine all of the time (this last time for good) and just got a "Merry Christmas. I miss you." text. My thoughts? Of course he does! He had commitment, love, adoration, attention and everything else. I had a guy telling me he loved me 24/7, but running away mentally and never introducing me to anyone - family, friends, kids after 9 months. Bye, bye! |
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