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Post by wingedheart on Sept 8, 2024 16:32:47 GMT
Hello again everyone, I went through a break-up with an FA and posted about it here. You can see my few threads for context in my post history. I haven't posted in some time as I've been in "no contact" and wanted to do my best to process my own emotions rather than to ruminate. I also returned to therapy during this time which has helped. I will note to other posts who are going through a break-up that "no contact" is absolutely crucial for your mental health. I am not entirely emotionally sound, of course, but I have a pretty firm, objective view as to my situation that I didn't have before and wouldn't have had until I engaged in self-preservation/self-help. My Processing ResultsMy anxious tendencies must be addressed so I can better navigate a healthy relationship. This doesn't matter if I'm with another AP, a secure, or an FA/DA. I can only control me, and there were behaviors during my break-up that certainly did not help the situation, regardless if they ultimately mattered or not. However, it's important to understand that sometimes things are just not in our control. Our partners may have unhealed traumas and tendencies that cause them to self-sabotage and make relationships impossible. Even if the relationship is 90% based on compatibility, values, physical attraction, etc., that last 10% could wipe it all away if it's attachment/trauma-based and the other person lacks the communicative tools, abilities, and effort to make the relationship work. Unfortunately, some people simply have a "it's easier for the next fantasy person to be my savior" mindset rather than a "you know, a 1-hour phone call repairing my current relationship makes sense" mindset. Such is life and that's their burden to correct - not yours. It's also important to acknowledge that our partners are who they are. Maybe they'll make some improvements, but it will be at their pace. If we're going to participate in such an arena, we cannot force their hand. We have to accept them for who they are in the moment and not who they could be. Improvements and TherapyIt's been 50 days since my break-up and direct communication ceased and 31 days no contact (i.e., no checking up, etc.). Since no contact, I have lost 11 lbs, returned to my weight-lifting "peaks", have two job interviews lined up in a different field (I'm pursuing a master's in clinical psychology - fitting, eh?), and have optimism again. My therapist asked me if I felt I was ready to date again, which I told him, flatly, "no". Physically, yes. Confidence, yes. Emotionally, no.   I told him that a unique phenomenon has happened to me in that I feel so good about myself that my mindset has turned into "I can't believe my ex cannot see me with all of my potential" and this has caused a sort of fantasy to creep in of "it wasn't meant to be before because I had to go on this growth journey to be better". He, appropriately, pointed out and asked if I felt she was putting in the same effort. I responded with, "no" - not to say she doesn't take care of herself, but to assume she's processing our break-up the same is certainly misplaced. He then suggested something interesting to gauge my thoughts. He more-or-less told me to close my eyes and to gauge my anxiety when he ran two scenarios by me. The first was that I'd never see, interact, or talk to my ex again. This did bring me some anxiety, but not as much as it would have before. We discussed my thoughts and feelings and the highlights were "lots of potential, lots of love and romance, but attachment issues, trauma, lack of communication, etc.". So, hope was met with objectivity in a fairly balanced way. The second scenario was that in October, or after three months of the break-up, I would not only interact with my ex, but that she would be open to seeing me again and we'd have our originally scheduled vacation together. There was still anxiety, but not as much. The anxiety, mainly, was "well, it could just happen again". Fortunately, I hadn't romanticized the situation as much as I thought; I do not have her on a pedestal as much. However, I did admit that my motivation to continue to improve and to be the best I could be would likely increase if I knew I'd see her again. Question for EveryoneSo, this is where I share my thoughts with the community for feedback. My therapist more-or-less told me that I shouldn't shut the door on my ex if the thought brings me anxiety, but to set a boundary that I will not reach out to her until October 21st (3-months post break-up) after our session that day. This is about another 6/7 weeks away. Part of me feels a sort of relief? Like I still have some power to engage with her. But part of me is thinking, is this good advice? I do feel a bit more hopeful now, certainly, but if I reach out and it's crickets/blows up then won't that set me back? However, I have another 44 or so days before I'm "eligible". Perhaps that's the methodology at play here - that my therapist wants me to not want to reach out at the 3-month mark. Has anyone else received such advice? |
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Post by alexandra on Sept 8, 2024 18:35:10 GMT
Good processing results! Don't date potential, date who the person is now is a great takeaway.
To answer your question. Yes. It is good advice! I find perspective can really shift after 3-4 months NC. You need the first month to kind of detox, then you can take another couple months or more to focus on yourself and reconnect with yourself to get a more realistic and objective view of what you're going to want to do next. Putting an ex to the side so you have the mind-space to do that is important. You do not yet know where you're going to land in your own thoughts and needs, and that's okay. That's the point of giving yourself more time to put her aside, not actively worry about her, and do your thing of healing and self-discovery.
You do not need to know or decide right now to what capacity if any you'll want her in your life again. It's not all or nothing, and it's not urgent. It's okay to learn to be open to the idea that you can't control all aspects of the future, you don't need to be hypervigilant about it, and you may not truly know what you want yet. That's a step towards learning how to be emotionally in the present rather than in the past or the future, which is part of undoing dysfunctional anxious attachment patterns.
You also don't need to count down the days until you've decided to talk to her again and then absolutely reach out on a specific date. When that day comes, you check in with yourself again about whether or not you actually want to reach out yet. If you don't, that's okay. You can wait longer, not reach out ever, or reach out then, whatever one is fine as long as you're being honest with yourself. When I did this years ago with an FA ex, I didn't give myself a deadline. I ended up reaching out after almost a year, which was much longer than I expected it would take. And I only did because I dated someone else very briefly who had serious mental issues and treated me quite horribly, which further shifted my perspective. (I closed the door on that toxic situation REAL fast, so I was having success working on my insecure attachment issues, which made me feel truly okay with breaking NC with my ex!)
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Post by wingedheart on Sept 8, 2024 20:34:01 GMT
Good processing results! Don't date potential, date who the person is now is a great takeaway. To answer your question. Yes. It is good advice! I find perspective can really shift after 3-4 months NC. You need the first month to kind of detox, then you can take another couple months or more to focus on yourself and reconnect with yourself to get a more realistic and objective view of what you're going to want to do next. Putting an ex to the side so you have the mind-space to do that is important. You do not yet know where you're going to land in your own thoughts and needs, and that's okay. That's the point of giving yourself more time to put her aside, not actively worry about her, and do your thing of healing and self-discovery. You do not need to know or decide right now to what capacity if any you'll want her in your life again. It's not all or nothing, and it's not urgent. It's okay to learn to be open to the idea that you can't control all aspects of the future, you don't need to be hypervigilant about it, and you may not truly know what you want yet. That's a step towards learning how to be emotionally in the present rather than in the past or the future, which is part of undoing dysfunctional anxious attachment patterns. You also don't need to count down the days until you've decided to talk to her again and then absolutely reach out on a specific date. When that day comes, you check in with yourself again about whether or not you actually want to reach out yet. If you don't, that's okay. You can wait longer, not reach out ever, or reach out then, whatever one is fine as long as you're being honest with yourself. When I did this years ago with an FA ex, I didn't give myself a deadline. I ended up reaching out after almost a year, which was much longer than I expected it would take. And I only did because I dated someone else very briefly who had serious mental issues and treated me quite horribly, which further shifted my perspective. (I closed the door on that toxic situation REAL fast, so I was having success working on my insecure attachment issues, which made me feel truly okay with breaking NC with my ex!) Thanks alexandra! A month of self-love is crucial. I appreciate your insight. Admittedly I'm ambivalent towards the advice to keep the door open, but knowing I have time to decide what to do gives me peace. What I'm fearful of (no pun intended) is committing too much to a fantasy (i.e., I'll reach out and all will go well). I know I have this anxious tendency, but I suppose I should only reach out if I can accept not hearing back from her. Attachment is such a touchy thing. How did you determine what you could and couldn't work with with your exes? If my ex were to just say "I'm overwhelmed and I need two days by myself" - I could work with that. But it seems the more normal tactic for FAs is the passive aggressiveness and sudden abandonment. This I cannot deal with and I'm not sure 3 months of her being on dating apps will magically cure her tendencies. 😂 Even now I find myself thinking that it's more or less hopeless, which empowers me to move forward, but that attachment is still there. The reminders, dreams, and subconscious triggers. Is there any advice you have as to how to approach this situation should I choose to reach out in October? Perhaps how to manage expectations, what to say, or how to discern if it's even worth it? I suppose I'm doing my best to appreciate the fact that AP, FA, and DA are all insecure and that I'm not "better" for being AP. So, if I could better manage my tendencies if we were to try again maybe it could work out. But to what end will she try? I just cannot go through such a sudden abandonment again. No thanks. I go on two hour nature walks every day for my mental health which I'm about to embark on. Perhaps I'll gain some insight to share after. |
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Post by alexandra on Sept 9, 2024 2:04:17 GMT
Oh, I couldn't work with my FA exes. The one I was talking about, after NC we reconnected, started another cycle, and ended up sort of getting back together but not really before he broke up with me again. He acted exactly the same, but I was way more secure so at that point I was completely done and NOT devastated about it.
I don't think your therapist is telling you to keep the door open. I think they're saying what I did: you don't need to decide anything either way right now, just focus on yourself, and revisit later. The date is so that you have a reason to convince yourself to put things to the side and take your mind off of her during this healing time for yourself. I would not strategize or fantasize or imagine what happens in October right now, because that's you spinning out into anxious and hypervigilant what ifs. Instead, you can just say, I will not let this person occupy my space until I check in with myself again about it in October. You can't plan what you'll do and say to reconnect right now because you don't know what you'll want or who you will be in October, and that's the point. See where you go on your own journey between now and then, and if you're sure it's the right time for you to reconnect once you get there, then work on what you want to say at that point in time.
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 9, 2024 3:12:26 GMT
Honestly….i would add 2 things to your therapist’s recommendations…1. Fill your time….because it is obvious to me you are counting down till the October date instead of filling the time until October with activities and hobbies you enjoy. Unless you give your brain other things to focus on…your brain is going to fill that time with thoughts about her. Two…plan for stressful days…right now it sounds like you are hopeful and feel good…but life is full of ups and downs and you need to have a strategy of self care during the stressful or down days. I always found that I missed B more when I did not have a self care plan. A self care plan is a list of things that you can do for yourself to show you are important. I have go to treats, experiences and friends for stressful times.
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Post by wingedheart on Sept 10, 2024 14:49:36 GMT
Honestly….i would add 2 things to your therapist’s recommendations…1. Fill your time….because it is obvious to me you are counting down till the October date instead of filling the time until October with activities and hobbies you enjoy. Unless you give your brain other things to focus on…your brain is going to fill that time with thoughts about her. Two…plan for stressful days…right now it sounds like you are hopeful and feel good…but life is full of ups and downs and you need to have a strategy of self care during the stressful or down days. I always found that I missed B more when I did not have a self care plan. A self care plan is a list of things that you can do for yourself to show you are important. I have go to treats, experiences and friends for stressful times. I've made quite a lot of strides since the break-up and feel confident in myself. I do agree that the "idle mind is the devil's playground" so-to-speak. Prior to and since I've made my post, I'm at a 75/25 (no, yes) of wanting to reach out. Some days that shifts, but the more I understand the situation and the more feedback I receive and information I gather the more I realize that this situation is more-or-less hopeless. The thought of potentially setting myself back after 3-months of growth for a relationship that failed due to mental/emotional abuse caused by stonewalling and dysfunctional communication is beneath my standards. I believe alexandra said it best in my prior thread that my real hurdle here isn't the loss of someone I loved, but a fog of limerence caused by a trauma bond. The thought of reaching out to someone who essentially blocked me out of her life for trying to resolve conflict would be disrespectful to myself. It would simply encourage her behavior to continue even if we did get back together because there would have been no work done on her end. Because she is attractive, she can simply find another man who can be "the chosen one" for her and keep replicating her fantasy that someone will finally "get her" and not "fail" like all of the men in her past when really it's her self-sabotaging behaviors. She'll either chase toxicity or push away intimacy. I was in the latter and I can't go through that again. With that being said, I do not believe she is a bad person and, while she may be capable of change, what are the odds? She's had dysfunctional relationships her whole life and is 35 years old being single for 5 years in a huge city. That doesn't exactly invoke confidence that she will be a suitable partner for me any time soon, and I'd be better off finding a suitable and ready partner with my new-found confidence rooted in the distance I've now had with my ex. A woman who is willing to communicate and carry her share in a relationship with me and not shut-down and run away. So, if she were to reach out to me and offer to repair, then I would be open to having a conversation with her. Ultimately it's her responsibility to re-open communication with me and apologize to me for canceling me out of her life. From there we can have a forum for communication. Even in this scenario I would need some hard evidence that she's willing and able to do some work. |
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 11, 2024 0:44:43 GMT
Honestly….i would add 2 things to your therapist’s recommendations…1. Fill your time….because it is obvious to me you are counting down till the October date instead of filling the time until October with activities and hobbies you enjoy. Unless you give your brain other things to focus on…your brain is going to fill that time with thoughts about her. Two…plan for stressful days…right now it sounds like you are hopeful and feel good…but life is full of ups and downs and you need to have a strategy of self care during the stressful or down days. I always found that I missed B more when I did not have a self care plan. A self care plan is a list of things that you can do for yourself to show you are important. I have go to treats, experiences and friends for stressful times. I've made quite a lot of strides since the break-up and feel confident in myself. I do agree that the "idle mind is the devil's playground" so-to-speak. Prior to and since I've made my post, I'm at a 75/25 (no, yes) of wanting to reach out. Some days that shifts, but the more I understand the situation and the more feedback I receive and information I gather the more I realize that this situation is more-or-less hopeless. The thought of potentially setting myself back after 3-months of growth for a relationship that failed due to mental/emotional abuse caused by stonewalling and dysfunctional communication is beneath my standards. I believe alexandra said it best in my prior thread that my real hurdle here isn't the loss of someone I loved, but a fog of limerence caused by a trauma bond. The thought of reaching out to someone who essentially blocked me out of her life for trying to resolve conflict would be disrespectful to myself. It would simply encourage her behavior to continue even if we did get back together because there would have been no work done on her end. Because she is attractive, she can simply find another man who can be "the chosen one" for her and keep replicating her fantasy that someone will finally "get her" and not "fail" like all of the men in her past when really it's her self-sabotaging behaviors. She'll either chase toxicity or push away intimacy. I was in the latter and I can't go through that again. With that being said, I do not believe she is a bad person and, while she may be capable of change, what are the odds? She's had dysfunctional relationships her whole life and is 35 years old being single for 5 years in a huge city. That doesn't exactly invoke confidence that she will be a suitable partner for me any time soon, and I'd be better off finding a suitable and ready partner with my new-found confidence rooted in the distance I've now had with my ex. A woman who is willing to communicate and carry her share in a relationship with me and not shut-down and run away. So, if she were to reach out to me and offer to repair, then I would be open to having a conversation with her. Ultimately it's her responsibility to re-open communication with me and apologize to me for canceling me out of her life. From there we can have a forum for communication. Even in this scenario I would need some hard evidence that she's willing and able to do some work. With that being said, I do not believe she is a bad person and, while she may be capable of change, what are the odds? She's had dysfunctional relationships her whole life and is 35 years old being single for 5 years in a huge city. That doesn't exactly invoke confidence that she will be a suitable partner for me any time soon, and I'd be better off finding a suitable and ready partner with my new-found confidence rooted in the distance I've now had with my ex. A woman who is willing to communicate and carry her share in a relationship with me and not shut-down and run away. I would say one of the areas you want to address is speaking on behalf of others…..whether she goes to therapy or not is nothing you can predict and is truthfully, none of your business at this point. You were BOTH not good partners for each other…that is where you should leave it. |
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Post by wingedheart on Sept 17, 2024 15:56:35 GMT
Hi everyone. I'm posting so others who stumble upon my thread can read my story. I'm now at 60 days no-contact and post 2-months since the break-up and, through my healing with therapy and educating myself on the behaviors-at-play in my situation, I have decided to not reach out and to move on with my life. Now that I am thinking more objectively and my emotions have settled, I realize that this situation does not present a healthy future for me and that I need a willing and self-aware partner. Life is too short to hope for potential. Thanks everyone for your advice!
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I told him that a unique phenomenon has happened to me in that I feel so good about myself that my mindset has turned into "I can't believe my ex cannot see me with all of my potential" and this has caused a sort of fantasy to creep in of "it wasn't meant to be before because I had to go on this growth journey to be better". He, appropriately, pointed out and asked if I felt she was putting in the same effort. I responded with, "no" - not to say she doesn't take care of herself, but to assume she's processing our break-up the same is certainly misplaced.
