My experience with a dismissing avoidant

Actually I did a poor job of explaining the hot/cold pushing of a DA.  
She checks every block of what is called a DA
Furthermore, there is no way this person could be a narcist, they are a 6 on a good day.   She was not the type I would normally go after, but after talking to her I liked her....she was funny, and could hold a conversation and she was enjoyable to be around.  
Picked her because I thought she was different, but I was wrong.  
Everything changed after the first time she pulled away...from the point forward it was never the same, until we went on vacation and when we got back from that, it was a slow phase out for about 4 weeks
She was purposely doing things to sabotage the relationship, so that I would leave, but I didn't, because I told her I would not do that to her.  
I mean....perfect example...she walks up to me in the gym and smiles like everything is okay after ignoring me for two days....asks how I am doing....smiling.  
Then when I ask her what the hell is going on.....she then tells me its the age.....and that was it.  She was done.  NO communication at all.  

For example, I would say something that for some reason would piss her off, she would curse and yell....and a 10 minutes later...back to normal
One day she wants sex and falls asleep with her head on my chest....the next day do not touch me and cold shoulder and she would be like for days telling me she goes through phases. 
Another example was when she said that is the "vacation me" not the "real me".  What?  

She cannot talk about emotions or how she feels.  If she is upset about something she refuses to talk about it.  
She also told me that she values her independence multiple times and feels like she is losing it.  Which I never understood how.  

There were multiple times she withdrew, became cold, distant and quiet.....I never really understood it.  

She also told me that her mother is very cold and unemotional.  She said that she and her sisters are all like her mother.  She told me that her sister has had the same boyfriend for 6 years.  She is more often than not a bitch to him and puts him through hell.  But he still loves her and they have little to no intimacy.  She said I need to find a guy like that.  

I was trying to tell the entire story, showing the lies and manipulation plus the hot and cold actions.

Everything I have read......she checks every block of a DA

She cut me off cold as ice, even though I did nothing wrong, went from talking daily, to absolutely nothing.  Said she didnt want to lose her friend.  I offer friendship.....excuse after excuse.  
When I spoke to her in the them it seemed like a completely different person.  

The nicer I was to her the more she would withdraw
She values her independence
Untrusting of others 
Uncomfortable with emotions and will shut down if asked to talk about them
She was very secretive about her friendships
She never once admitted we were dating, nor I was her boy friend.  If i called her my girlfriend she cringed
She specifically told me that she was crazy.  Guys think she is the best women ever until 2-3 months and they learn how she is and think she is crazy and she messes up every relationship
She said that she does not value intimacy at all and she gets nothing out of it, but yet sometimes she starts it and must be a damn good actress 
She also told me she feels dissociated, lonely and confused with life. 
She also told me she was a shitbag.
She has mostly male friends and tends to string guys a long that like  her instead of being direct with them
Often our biggest arguments were from lack of affection and intimacy
If I did any kind of romantic gesture...she shut down and you could tell she was uncomfortable.....like I knew she was having a rough time at work I got her some flowers.....she just stared at them
She would not commit to any plans with me that I wanted to make....she would only commit to things she suggested. 
She felt like I was too demanding of her time, because the one day we shared off work in the week I wanted to spend with her, she would want to go do something with someone else.  
She also told me that she figured one day I would leave her
One day I gave her some constructive criticism on working her legs.  She turns around and looks me dead in the eyes, "What Mother Fucker you don't think I work fucking  hard enough!?"  I just looked in disbelief.  I said...no...that is not what I said at all.  I shook my head and walked off.  

all those are in direct alignment with a DA

Lack of empathy on my side?  I have been only kind, generous, and loving to this person.  They cut me off cold as ice, as if I did not matter.  I was abused as a child.  Its a personal choice.  You can be a product of your environment or you can rise above.  I do understand how some people cannot.  What I cannot understand is how someone can go from being my friend, so I thought, to nothing.  That is not normal.....and it explains why many people commit suicide over losing someone in such a devastating manner.  I also do not understand how people with this, do not no know something is wrong and seek counseling.  She specifically told me she was messed up.  

The sad part is I have no idea what was true and what was not.  What I do know, the girl I See now, looks right through as if I dont exist.  I have never seen anything like that before in my life.  If I had done something wrong...sure I get it.....but I did not.  

Now to your credit, maybe there is some narcist traits or fantasies.  I am older than her, I don't look my age, I am very fit and I am a very kind person.  A friend told me that he thinks she just had a fantasy of hooking up with an older guy and when she found out I was a very kind person she used that to her advantage until she got bored.  Maybe he is right...but she does fit a lot of the DA traits

Loyalty to me is huge.....had she told me in private and not been completely ruthless, heartless and mean.....I would have reacted quite differently.  I never even raised my voice to her until that day.  I was thorougly confused being I had asked her daily for 4 weeks what was wrong.  The only thing I got in return was I go through phases or nothing is wrong.  She could not talk about anything emotional at all.  

I think what bothers me is I have no clue what was true and what was not.  I was told so many things...pushed and pulled in so many directions....I have never experienced anything like that.  

lovebunny

Anyone who writes & analyzes this much, listing all the things another person said & did, is probably Anxiously Preoccupied.
(correct, which I was unaware of until I started reading about attachment types, now I Know and I can curb my irrational insecurities)


You're trying to figure out exactly how she came to the conclusion that you aren't for her. As if you could change it, or her. (Nope, just dont understand why she told me for weeks nothing was wrong and then how she ended it. I would not have been that brutal to her, I treated her very well)

Instead, question YOUR attachment style. Why pursue a woman 20 years younger who clearly wasn't willing or able to have the kind of committed relationship you wanted?
(The dating pool is not so great here, I did not know her age at first. We got a long very well. When we found out each others age she said that sucks but its not he end of the world its just a number. I was hesitant but we had a lot in common with fitness and lifestyle)

She told you she didn't like sex, yet you kept having sex with her.
(You would not know she doesn't by the way she acts during. I was not always the one initiating it either. For example on vacation, we rented this cottage on the beach with open windows facing the bay. When it became dark, she walked into the kitchen completely naked and told me to pin her against a window and F her. I was like...what? There are people out there. She said I know I dont care.)


She told you the age difference was a problem, but it wasn't a problem to YOU, so you didn't believe her. She told she was unhappy, yet you refused to leave her. Why did you never believe her???
(As I stated previously in the beginning she said it sucks, its not the end of the world its just a number. At the end she said it was more than just a number to her based on something that happened to her as a child. She said don't tell me that it doesn't make sense based on what I initially said. If that story was true why did she even start anything to begin with. As far as her being unhappy when she was living with me, I asked her why many times and asked her if it was me. She said it was not me, it was just stress from work)

DA or not DA, she sounds flaky, irresponsible, unkind, and unstable.
(LOL yes, yes, yes and very much so)

Examine why YOU thought continuing to try to MAKE HER REALIZE SHE SHOULD BE WITH YOU was the correct course of action. You weren't *just* a nice guy who wanted to love her and make her life better. You wanted something from her--a relationship, reciprocity. She simply wasn't willing or able to give you that, so instead of moving on, you dug in harder, frustrating you both.
(That is not exactly true. After ignoring me for two days I saw her in the gym. We always worked out together. She walked up smiling and said whats up how are you? I just looked at her. She then went back across the gym. I walked up to her and said what the hell is going on. She shrugged. I said I dont know what that means. Then she told me it was the age gap. Which I did not expect. I had asked her for three weeks what was wrong...always "Nothing". I was highly irritated. Then she became very cold, she looked at me and said MF'r I have been broken up with brutally many times, I think I am being very civil...and I never cheated on you either. I raised an eyebrow....I never said you did or thought you did.)

All the analyzing of why she did what she did is pointless. What went on in her head or heart is HER problem. So instead, look at why you kept trying to play the game, work the system, hook her in by paying for things, bending over backwards, wanting to be there for her even when she was telling you to go away. Giving her all the loyalty & devotion she didn't want.
(What? She never once told me to go away. She actually lived with me for about 6 weeks.  When she went back to her place, she always asked me to come down and stay the night with her.  She called me daily to go workout.  The only thing did do was refuse any type of intimacy at times....one day she would start something with me....then for two weeks dont touch me,. In fact she told me what she liked best about me is that I ma kind. In the end she told me I was the most amazing guy she has met, I made her feel more cared for than any person ever has, she will always be thankful for our time together, but she could not get over the age difference. She said I set a new standard for how she wants to be treated. She said unfortunately younger guys do not have the qualities you do and are not selfless as you are so I will be single for a long time to come. I feel dissociated, lonely and confused with life.)

DA and AP are a common pairing, you can read all about it on here. Hopefully you'll realize leaving her alone & concentrating on your side of the street is your best option for healing. You'll start to feel better once you take the focus off her & put it into yourself.
(Oh I am fine, I put my story on here to tell people how crazy it can be. She told me a lot that made me feel sorry for her, so I always gave her the benefit of the doubt. Why? Because i am good person. I was also a friend to her, not just a guy in a relationship or what ever the hell it was. My biggest problem is I would not have treated her like that, I hate that I didn't walk away sooner, and I dont feel she was every my friend. This was the first person I had "hung out" with in 5 years. I lost my dad and my mother and I was not ready for anything. She told me originally she hated to lose her friend. After reading about DA, I offered her friendship to see what she would do. She said I dont know where your headspace is. I said I do....you dont want to be with me, I have zero desire to get back with you, but I can be a friend to you....we could at least grab some workouts together. Well I am really busy.....Im leaving in two weeks and will be gone for 5 months. I said I know, I am aware. I smiled and said have a great workout and walked away. It may not seem like it, I am completely over her, what I am not over, is I had no idea on Earth there were people like this. Someone that can just cut you off, become cold as ice, when you have done nothing wrong. Its absolutely fascinating to me. I do see how some people could become so devastated they take their own life. I guess my purpose was to share my experience so people can see the chaos and confusion. I was always fighting for the girl I knew in the first month. It does not even seem like the same person now...she spoke to me in the gym....looked right through me lol. I find it wild and fascinating)

tnr9

Did you miss where I said I am now aware of my attachment type and how to curb it?
My largest mistakes were not enforcing boundaries, putting up with as much as I did, and feeling sorry for her because I thought she had a history of picking bad dudes and low selfesteem.  
I should have left the first time she freaked out on me.
Its not what happens to you but how you react to it, especially dealing with toxic people. 
I could have left, not put up with it, so yeah I will own that. 
I am on here telling my story, of what happened, so others can look out for these traits.
Yes I said "She said" because I am conveying what was told to me.
She is not a good person, by no means, she lied about a lot, that I did not find out about until after.
Spin it any way you want, I was a friend to her...I talked to her about family issues, work issues...I was there for her
I had never heard of a "situationship" ... I had to look that up
Maybe that is what was to her......who knows, I will never know what was true and what was not.
But I do have a right to share my story.....and explain what I experienced.....I didnt even know attachment types existed until after.
She told me that  she was crazy and a shitbag....I should have listened. 
I have never in my life had someone go stone cold like that and look right though me. 
Its absolutely fascinating behavior.  

tnr9

Thank you for that obvious advice
The dating pool here is awful
She was not my type, she was different so I thought...well turns out she was extremely different lol, and easy to talk too.....so I tried
I let my boundaries down.....and became weak.....when I should have left
The biggest shock to me, was I had no idea about attraction types or what causes people to act the way they do
My friend said she just wanted a hot older guy fling and then realized i was a nice guy and strung me along to get what she wanted.
I am sure there is some truth to that.
But it was a good lesson learned, and no longer will my boundaries be crossed.
I also wanted to see the good and overlooked many bad things and red flags...
I was a little bit rusty, I had not dated in 5 years.