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Post by mysteryuser on Sept 30, 2024 16:54:01 GMT
I've been working on a lot of healing work the past year and a half after a re-traumatizing blindsiding breakup. I was anxiously attached, and now I don't identify as strongly with that term anymore. I don't quite know if I'm secure just yet, but I'm much better able to regulate my emotions and invest in friendships/relationships that are good for me, and actively work to take care of myself.
Over the last year and half, I've dated intermittently. I connected very deeply with one person but was not able to fully trust them. I don't think we were entirely compatible, but I acknowledge my heart was very distant and I was not ready to be vulnerable again. We ended after 3.5 months of a beautiful connection, because I was not able to go further and he sensed that.
After that, I met a few folks. Some not compatible with me (didn't want the same things, or not fully ready for the type of relationship I wanted) and some folks I did not click with (I don't mean ones I didn't have a "spark" with, I mean ones that I didn't find interesting and didn't have much in common with even in terms of a friendship).
This summer, I took a longer break from dating after deleting my Hinge account and attempted to date in person. I travel a lot for work so this is hard, but I picked up a fun new hobby that I frequented a lot and met a lot of people. I also made some new friends! And had a few crushes, but ultimately nothing romantic. It's a summer activity, so maybe I should pick up a new one this fall.
I learned a few things in the process: - I realized just how much dating apps skew our/my perceptions and how I'm going to change my approach to dating. I found people at my hobby so interesting- but I would not have swiped on for shallow reasons. (Although knowing their age and intentions on an app is so much easier than finding out over time in person that the person is totally not in your dating group!) - I used to be concerned with how my partner was perceived by others because I assumed that was a reflection of me and I wanted a partner "above" me to "choose me". This is not a strong feeling anymore after observing how every happy relationship I know is happy even if people will always have things to say - I have come to deeply understand my own priorities in a relationship and find myself caring more about reliability and consistency over physical appearance
While I want to get back out there, I'm afraid to date again for 2 reasons: 1. I still have some fear of abandonment, and I'm afraid of making the same mistakes again and getting involved with someone unreliable again. I don't know if I've reached a point where I have/will "break the cycle", or if it'll be another "learning experience". 2. The above learnings aren't yet fully internalized, and I feel like I will slip into some older tendencies. I need to remind myself that the person is not going to be my "dream" designed partner but as long as they show up for me the way I need, and I can do the same, that person and I can grow our relationship into what we want.
Anyone have experience with any of this and can share? Thanks!
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Post by tnr9 on Sept 30, 2024 21:51:21 GMT
While I want to get back out there, I'm afraid to date again for 2 reasons:
1. I still have some fear of abandonment, and I'm afraid of making the same mistakes again and getting involved with someone unreliable again. I don't know if I've reached a point where I have/will "break the cycle", or if it'll be another "learning experience".
2. The above learnings aren't yet fully internalized, and I feel like I will slip into some older tendencies. I need to remind myself that the person is not going to be my "dream" designed partner but as long as they show up for me the way I need, and I can do the same, that person and I can grow our relationship into what we want.
Anyone have experience with any of this and can share? Thanks!
I certainly can relate to your statements above from prior encounters with dating. My current therapist encourages me to 1. Acknowledge the fear and it’s helpful duty to try to keep me protected 2. Connect to the part of me where I believe the fear developed (usually something in my childhood relationship to my mom or dad or both) 3. Visualize the adult me giving my little girl whatever would help to make her feel safe…a hug, a word of encouragement, a gift, an activity or simply just being present with her….based on your love language). When you can trust that you can handle whatever comes your way in life because you have your back….then fear fades. Perhaps some time writing what you have learned from these prior encounters with dating will point to some opportunities to look at some things about yourself differently….not in a bad way…but to redefine your search criteria. Oftentimes we only see what is wrong in our insecurities versus the gifts they provide to us. Vigilance is not a bad thing, seeing the good in someone else isn’t a bad thing, having palpitations towards someone isn’t a bad thing…..traits do not have to be good or bad…you don’t have to become secure to move closer to self acceptance. You are doing great…..just keep dancing….1 foot forward, 3 steps sideways, two steps back….🙂
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Post by alexandra on Sept 30, 2024 22:54:36 GMT
It sounds like you've made some great progress! You should be proud of yourself. I do think being driven by fear is what pushes people to choose poor partners. If there's any way to tackle your fear of abandonment, which is an issue outside of dating, I think the rest will fall into place as far as dating is concerned. Questions you can consider. Do you know where that fear comes from? Do you not trust yourself? Do you still feel disconnected from yourself or not know yourself well yet? Do you still feel less than and not enough? These are you-focused questions instead of anything related to a potential partner. If you happen to meet someone decent while working through the you-questions, great. Having a partner who doesn't trigger you allows you the mind space to continue sorting through your own issues while building relationships outside yourself. They don't need to be perfect either in order to not trigger you, they just need to be consistent, reliable, and willing to commit -- in other words, emotionally available and interested in a relationship  |
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Post by mysteryuser on Oct 1, 2024 15:32:09 GMT
traits do not have to be good or bad…you don’t have to become secure to move closer to self acceptance. You are doing great…..just keep dancing….1 foot forward, 3 steps sideways, two steps back….🙂 Love this. You're right, and this is a good reminder |
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Post by mysteryuser on Oct 1, 2024 15:40:56 GMT
I do think being driven by fear is what pushes people to choose poor partners. If there's any way to tackle your fear of abandonment, which is an issue outside of dating, I think the rest will fall into place as far as dating is concerned. This is true. I'm trying to be more conscious and intentional about all my decisions - even if it's scrolling instagram mindlessly - and being aware of when I'm making this decision out of fear is an important flag. Questions you can consider. Do you know where that fear comes from? Do you not trust yourself? Do you still feel disconnected from yourself or not know yourself well yet? Do you still feel less than and not enough? These are you-focused questions instead of anything related to a potential partner. If you happen to meet someone decent while working through the you-questions, great. Having a partner who doesn't trigger you allows you the mind space to continue sorting through your own issues while building relationships outside yourself. They don't need to be perfect either in order to not trigger you, they just need to be consistent, reliable, and willing to commit -- in other words, emotionally available and interested in a relationship I've worked on this. It comes from early family dynamics, fights, having seen my parents threaten to or actually walk out, seeing violence play out in front of me, and not having any man to rely on consistently in my early life. I've worked on this fear and grieved it and taken care of myself consistently since a little bit now. Now it's less of a physical fear -- I KNOW I'll be okay. I composed myself very well and did not fawn the last time I was being abandoned. I knew in my heart I'll be okay. That said, because this pattern has been so persistent, I have gravitated towards unreliable men all my life, so I have no data point of the cycle having been broken. I simply do not know what it's like to consistently rely on a romantic interest (I do have good male friends though). I just haven't experienced it, so a belief I have is that if it hasn't happened so far - it never will. Sometimes, the question is "why would someone stick around if no one has so far?". I just won't experience that side of life. And these days I find myself grieving that "truth" and assuming it just won't happen. All feels completely antithetical to opening that app and making my profile |
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Post by lovebunny on Oct 1, 2024 18:17:22 GMT
The sort of person you must pick should be very different from the type you'd have picked 5 years ago. They might not have such obvious good looks, they might seem a little boring sometimes. Maybe they're actually excited about you! It will still be work, you'll both act messed up sometimes. Sex won't be the most important thing about them (but sex will be good.)
Ditch the bad-boys for the dad-bods, lol.
I think it's like when I stopped eating meat, other foods became more interesting/attractive. If you can just keep away from the emotionally unavailable types, you'll start to find other types desirable.
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Post by tnr9 on Oct 1, 2024 19:01:57 GMT
I do think being driven by fear is what pushes people to choose poor partners. If there's any way to tackle your fear of abandonment, which is an issue outside of dating, I think the rest will fall into place as far as dating is concerned. This is true. I'm trying to be more conscious and intentional about all my decisions - even if it's scrolling instagram mindlessly - and being aware of when I'm making this decision out of fear is an important flag. Questions you can consider. Do you know where that fear comes from? Do you not trust yourself? Do you still feel disconnected from yourself or not know yourself well yet? Do you still feel less than and not enough? These are you-focused questions instead of anything related to a potential partner. If you happen to meet someone decent while working through the you-questions, great. Having a partner who doesn't trigger you allows you the mind space to continue sorting through your own issues while building relationships outside yourself. They don't need to be perfect either in order to not trigger you, they just need to be consistent, reliable, and willing to commit -- in other words, emotionally available and interested in a relationship I've worked on this. It comes from early family dynamics, fights, having seen my parents threaten to or actually walk out, seeing violence play out in front of me, and not having any man to rely on consistently in my early life. I've worked on this fear and grieved it and taken care of myself consistently since a little bit now. Now it's less of a physical fear -- I KNOW I'll be okay. I composed myself very well and did not fawn the last time I was being abandoned. I knew in my heart I'll be okay. That said, because this pattern has been so persistent, I have gravitated towards unreliable men all my life, so I have no data point of the cycle having been broken. I simply do not know what it's like to consistently rely on a romantic interest (I do have good male friends though). I just haven't experienced it, so a belief I have is that if it hasn't happened so far - it never will. Sometimes, the question is "why would someone stick around if no one has so far?". I just won't experience that side of life. And these days I find myself grieving that "truth" and assuming it would All feels completely antithetical to opening that app and making my profile Sounds like you also came from a house of “lack”…not enough money, not enough time, not enough love. A lack mindset is a very hard wiring to break….but as part of that growth…I would turn this….why would someone stick around if no one has before….to thank goodness none of those other men stuck around….now the right guy can and will stick around because I am worth it. |
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