Post by scotsquatch on Oct 17, 2024 20:33:27 GMT
Hi
Blindsided by ex a couple of months ago, discarded so he could 'finally pursue happiness' with a woman he's not known very long. Have come to realise i've been living with a DA, and while I'd be happy and willing to look at my contribution to the decline in our relationship, I realise now that in the last few years i'd just detached after such a very long time trying and failing to overcome or break through his detachment, lack of affection, zero emotional intimacy and generally controlling behaviour. He has maintained a really stressful job that takes him away from home for long periods, has had difficulty dealing with fatherhood (we have one child, now a teenager), and regular periods of depression (latterly very angry, irritated and disdainful).
He's made one half hearted attempt at therapy years ago, takes anti depressants on and off, and has enough stubbornness to have pushed himself through some real and regular mental health crises. He's never really let me support him, and has told me he's had one foot out the door since our child was born (but still managed to stick around for 15 years and move house several times
. I know he's carried terrible resentment and anger toward me, it's been oozing off him for so long (I think i just shrunk from it rather than confronting it). But now he's really articulating it and telling me that I'm as responsible for his choices as he is, is minimising his affair and the effect that has had on me, and has been behaving so callously it's like dealing with a stranger who I've had no history with. It honestly feels like he has specifically designed his exit to completely break me.
I've done alot of reading into the subject of attachment theory, and it's like the entire concept of the DA is based on him. Like many in this situation, I've found it helpful, if a very difficult learning curve, and I realise how and why our relationship dynamics became what they did. My problem is that I still have to co-parent with him (not that he is seeing his child very often), and sort out or finances. So we will be in each other's lives for the next few years. We've agreed to do it with a combination of mutual agreement and legal advice, but without lawyers (we cant afford to go down that route and neither of us genuinely want to), but he is still trying to control it all, and imposing 'his decisions' on me based on his resentment.
He's cold and business like, and talks to me like I'm an idiot. Comes back to see our child, talk about the practicalities, then leaves to be with his new girlfriend. He was always the main earner (I lost all my work during covid - my failure to secure more seems to be the thing that made him despise me, even though I've been the primary carer to support his career). I've found my voice somewhat (and he hates that), but I'm finding it incredibly hard. How the hell do they manage to move on so quickly and completely?
I wondered if anyone who's been long term with a DA before it all went tits up has any advice on how best to handle things going forward. I resent now having to avoid what I now know are his triggers, especially given he doesnt seem to give a toss about my feelings and what he's done to me and our kid. Thanks in advance. x
Blindsided by ex a couple of months ago, discarded so he could 'finally pursue happiness' with a woman he's not known very long. Have come to realise i've been living with a DA, and while I'd be happy and willing to look at my contribution to the decline in our relationship, I realise now that in the last few years i'd just detached after such a very long time trying and failing to overcome or break through his detachment, lack of affection, zero emotional intimacy and generally controlling behaviour. He has maintained a really stressful job that takes him away from home for long periods, has had difficulty dealing with fatherhood (we have one child, now a teenager), and regular periods of depression (latterly very angry, irritated and disdainful).
He's made one half hearted attempt at therapy years ago, takes anti depressants on and off, and has enough stubbornness to have pushed himself through some real and regular mental health crises. He's never really let me support him, and has told me he's had one foot out the door since our child was born (but still managed to stick around for 15 years and move house several times
. I know he's carried terrible resentment and anger toward me, it's been oozing off him for so long (I think i just shrunk from it rather than confronting it). But now he's really articulating it and telling me that I'm as responsible for his choices as he is, is minimising his affair and the effect that has had on me, and has been behaving so callously it's like dealing with a stranger who I've had no history with. It honestly feels like he has specifically designed his exit to completely break me.I've done alot of reading into the subject of attachment theory, and it's like the entire concept of the DA is based on him. Like many in this situation, I've found it helpful, if a very difficult learning curve, and I realise how and why our relationship dynamics became what they did. My problem is that I still have to co-parent with him (not that he is seeing his child very often), and sort out or finances. So we will be in each other's lives for the next few years. We've agreed to do it with a combination of mutual agreement and legal advice, but without lawyers (we cant afford to go down that route and neither of us genuinely want to), but he is still trying to control it all, and imposing 'his decisions' on me based on his resentment.
He's cold and business like, and talks to me like I'm an idiot. Comes back to see our child, talk about the practicalities, then leaves to be with his new girlfriend. He was always the main earner (I lost all my work during covid - my failure to secure more seems to be the thing that made him despise me, even though I've been the primary carer to support his career). I've found my voice somewhat (and he hates that), but I'm finding it incredibly hard. How the hell do they manage to move on so quickly and completely?
I wondered if anyone who's been long term with a DA before it all went tits up has any advice on how best to handle things going forward. I resent now having to avoid what I now know are his triggers, especially given he doesnt seem to give a toss about my feelings and what he's done to me and our kid. Thanks in advance. x
