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Post by mycamena on Oct 3, 2015 11:48:25 GMT
My husband broke up with me about 2 months ago after a whirlwind romance of 6 months and quick marriage that lasted almost 3 months. I think I'm fairly secure normally these days but tended towards anxious preoccupied when I was younger (41 now). His distancing behavior brought out my insecurities but when he wasn't being like that he was the best guy I have been with. That lasted about a month after our marriage overseas, then I had to go back to Australia and he had to stay overseas and we planned to be together ASAP. But our plans fell through and it turned out he would have to stay where he is for about a year. Shortly after he found that out he broke up with me, saying it was all too hard and that he thought he would not be a good husband and I should find someone else to have a family while I still can (I want kids but didn't have any yet, and he said he desperately did too when we met). I didn't want to break up and begged and chased but he was adamant. However we have tried to stay friends, we chat in whatsapp every day, and every so often he tells me he really loves me still but wants to be alone, maybe forever. He says he wants to be with me again to say goodbye, but not to hope too much because we might not stay together. I'm not allowed to start these types of conversations and am only allowed to tell him I love him after he says it to me. After that he will withdraw and maybe a week later starts to distance again in nasty ways, even admitting he sometimes tries to make me hate him. I know it sounds crazy but I want him back, I think he is like this because of a childhood trauma so I'm trying not to take it personally. But I'd like some tips on how to handle this, if anyone can help me?
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Post by Jeb Kinnison on Oct 4, 2015 3:46:03 GMT
My first comment is that the delay in his return would not normally cause someone who was thinking of you as his wife to give up on the marriage. Marriages endure that kind of separation routinely.
Damage that severe that causes a breakup so soon after the initial glow of getting together is unlikely to be reparable. Listen to him when he says those things -- he doesn't want to be in a relationship, he doesn't think he would make a good husband, and you need to look elsewhere while you still have time. He's caring for you by telling you these things, which are hard for any man to admit. You can honor your feelings for him by moving on and finding happiness and perhaps children with someone who can handle the responsibility without freaking out.
Wanting him back won't help you clear your head of him so you can be available with someone else. While keeping in touch is fine, every day? It's keeping your hopes for him alive, which is not in your best interest.
I'd be most interested in hearing of any cases where someone so obviously dismissive turns around to become a good partner. I have heard of accommodations that keep a marriage together in less severe cases, but never when the dismissive has quickly left and admitted he's not wanting to return.
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Post by mycamena on Oct 4, 2015 5:15:20 GMT
I guess I have hope because we broke up a few times before we got married but always got back together. The first couple of times it was only a few days before we got back together. The longest time we have been broken up till now, was for 3 weeks just before I was to fly over and meet him in person and get married (we met online). I told him I still wanted to come just to meet him and have a holiday so he said sure and he would show me around. When I got there, as soon as we were alone in the hotel he told me he still loved me and apologised and said he just got scared but he still wanted to marry me and take a chance on our relationship, if I wanted to. I said yes and we really were happy for that month that I was there. He was very responsive and extremely good at sensing my feelings by looking at my face. When I left to go home he became withdrawn and depressed and sought a lot of assurance from me. After a few weeks he started to distance again. After 6 weeks he brought up every challenge we would face and caused silly arguments until I said I'm not sure if I want this anymore. That night he begged me to think and decide that I wanted him. I did of course but a week later he did the same thing. I gave him an ultimatum to stop it or I would leave. He said I made the choice and when I apologised he said it's too late, he doesn't feel secure in the relationship now and fears we would break up in the end. Yet he keeps telling me he loves me and doesn't want another woman because he would only think of me. When he's sick or sad it's me he turns to. I am really prepared to work through his issues and be patient now that I know what's causing it, but at that stage I didn't know and I was very angry and unkind. I do want to try to get him back because I know he loves me stil and I know he is a good guy. I'll do whatever it takes to make it work. I just need some pointers so I don't scare him off again.
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Post by Jeb Kinnison on Oct 5, 2015 5:36:52 GMT
It's your choice, of course. To minimize his sense of being enclosed, you should try to act a bit more distant yourself; friendly but not making the first move, never asking or expecting a response, etc. And by supporting him emotionally when he needs it, and never getting much support back, you are setting yourself up for years of "making it work." It is a hard road, and be aware that he may end up going after someone else closer to him. It is your life and only you can decide how you want to spend it.
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Post by mycamena on Oct 5, 2015 19:17:13 GMT
Thank you for your response, have been hovering between weather to initiate contact so he knows I'm there or holding back to give him space so you have clarified that for me. I know what you're saying and I will probably regret it but I have to try everything before I give up on us, because it was so good when we were in the same place for that month lol. I'll see how it goes and update on any progress either way. Thanks again.
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Post by mycamena on Nov 15, 2015 2:32:38 GMT
After this I tried 'no contact' for week or so here and there. I just found out that it was during that time got a new girlfriend which lasted for about a month before she apparently broke it off, about a week ago. He was heart broken I guess because he had posted a lot of messages on Facebook about how he was missing someone. So 2 days ago he messaged me saying can I forgive him for his rudeness and that he misses me and he wants to get back together if I still do. I was shocked and a bit skeptical because I had just got used to the idea of never getting back together, and he had been so cold and rude for the last month (now I know why).
I was really happy and couldn't believe it. But as we talked I was silly enough to ask him if he'd had a girlfriend in the time we'd been apart. At first he didn't want to answer but I insisted because I could sense it. He told me yes. That's when I because so upset and hurt, feeling like I'm just second prize and he's only come back to me because she didn't want him. I said some very harsh things to him and even called him a bastard which I never called him any names before. I was so angry I didn't want him anymore but I didn't say that I just said take your time and be sure because I don't believe this is genuine. The next day he said he is sorry but he's confused again and doesn't think he can do it. I apologised for the things I said to him but I think it's too late and I missed my chance. I told his sister what happened and she told me a bit more about his childhood. She said their father was abusive but particularly picked on my husband from early childhood, punishing him harshly for anything and taking any opportunity to hurt him physically and mentally.
I feel like what I did yesterday was just hurt him again, after he came to me with an emotional wound looking for love and safety. I forgot about his past and thought only about myself. I'm devastated that I didn't see what I was doing to him and just acted out of anger. I know he can't fully understand or control his behavior because of his issues and I know he was not trying to hurt me deliberately, but I tried to hurt HIM when I heard about the other girl. I am so regretful about my behavior and don't know what to do to reassure him. I told him I am sorry and I am calm now and I love him and want to put that behind us, but he said he's not sure now.
What can I do? I will try to give him space but what about when we are talking - any ideas on what I can do and say?
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katy
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Post by katy on Nov 15, 2015 18:05:50 GMT
I sense that you're wrestling with the same dilemma that all of us who have shared our stories on this forum have had to deal with. We're all nice, kind, supportive people. The dismissive avoidants whom we have dealt with have all had very sad upbringings. But, they withdraw from us, make us feel terrible because of their demeaning treatment of us, and usually bring us to anger.
In my mind, the question is: when do you stop forgiving the dismissive avoidant and totally move away? I don't know the answer to this question.
I've been in the humane society for years and have successfully rescued many severely abused animals. Sometimes it has taken years to rebuild their trust. So many times, I have had to be kind and loving to an animal who constantly backs away from me with terror and fear. But, a cat or dog is not the same as a husband or a friend.
I have been successfully married for over 20 years. My husband has combat-related PTSD, which he has had to work through. It has not been easy, but he has always been supportive of me, to the best of his ability, and has never treated me in a demeaning way.
My take is that the man you are married to is not good husband material and it might be better to see your short-lived marriage as mistake with a person who is not compatible with your personality style. I always believe that the past is the prologue - in my opinion the first few months of your marriage don't bode well for the future.
I think an easy question to ask about who's a good spouse: if you or one of your children got violently ill in the middle of the night, would that person be fully there to help figure it out and, if need be, to help put clean sheets on the bed?
Best wishes.
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Post by mycamena on Nov 15, 2015 19:10:40 GMT
Thanks Katy, yes I think he would. He loves kids and one of the stressors to our relationship is that he wants to have kids ASAP and I am 41 so my time is running out. It's going to he a year at least before I'll be able to move to Germany to be with him, and he can't come here to live in Australia for about 3-4 years. When we lived together for that month, he was a wonderful husband, very caring and attentive, but we need more time to live together and get to know each other.
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katy
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Post by katy on Nov 15, 2015 20:36:47 GMT
You misunderstood what I was trying to say. A good husband is somebody who supports and takes care of you no matter how unpleasant the chore may be in the middle of the night. I don't think one month would really tell much about how somebody would react when things got tough. Loving children is easy in the abstract, but much different when things are not going well and you have to maturely suppress your own comfort to take care of somebody else.
But, you do actually have lots of info that your husband is very erratic and indecisive. In my opinion, if he decided that he really didn't want to be married, then he should have immediately taken legal steps to have the marriage annulled. It would have been cruel at the moment, but definitely over so you could have moved on. Not deciding if he really can be married is the ultimate push/pull. And, dating other women while he is deciding about your marriage is outrageous. If he's willing to cheat in the supposed bloom of a new marriage, what will he do in the future?
If he was committed to you and the marriage, while you are separated, he would have been spending his free time talking with you on the phone, writing you e-mails, or working a second job so that you could travel to see each other and work together to maturely resolve the issues around the separation.
As Jeb told you in one of his answers - it's your life and you have to decide how you want to live. My opinion is that your husband sounds very undependable - I just hope that you don't tie yourself to him by giving up your entire life or having children and then are abandoned when he finally sees that he cannot tolerate the responsibility of marriage.
Best wishes for a happy future.
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Post by mycamena on Nov 17, 2015 11:09:06 GMT
Yeah I get what you're saying believe me. He took care of me and did some pretty unpleasant chores while we were together lol. He would do all those things if he was 'in it' but I doubt he want to be in it for long due to his intimacy issues. He would find some way to escape. He was routinely emotionally and physically abused as a child by his father and I learned more firm his sister a couple of days ago. Apparently he's been like this since childhood - withdrawing and believing himself to be disliked or unwanted, so he shields himself by being the one to walk away. I believe he really needs therapy but he doesn't think there's anything wrong with him. Feeling pretty hopeless about it all at the moment.
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katy
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Post by katy on Nov 17, 2015 18:41:50 GMT
I'm sorry you feel hopeless, but I really believe that you've avoided a very difficult life. I've been married to my current husband for over 20 years, and we've had a stable partnership. He's certainly had some problems, but generally we have always had a partnership that was supportive to both of us. Being married has helped both of us to grow.
I had a very short first marriage which was a nightmare. It sounds as though you have cultural differences with your husband because you are from different countries. I assume that one of you is dealing with the relationship in a second language, which, by itself, can't make it easy. My first husband and I are both Americans, but my heritage is German-American and his heritage was Italian-American. I found out that just those heritage differences were enormous hurdles. I also heard very early about how abusive his violent, controlling Italian mother was.
When I met him, I was so uninformed about what I was seeing and what it meant. At first, he had a great job and he was so attentive and wonderful to me. But, while he was nice to me, I didn't realize the importance of episodes of his bad temper towards other people. When our leases were up and we decided to rent a townhouse together, he lasted for two days and then moved out because he couldn't tolerate the confusion. Stupidly, I still thought there could be a relationship and continued to see him. Then, I got a job in another state and moved away. Somehow, I allowed him back into my life, he moved in with me in my new home, and we got married.
A few weeks later, he had a screaming, violent fit, directed at me, on the front lawn, in front of our neighbors. Life with him became horrible - he was controlling, jealous of my friends, never able to work consistently (I think because companies quickly saw his craziness), and constantly complained that he wanted to move to a warm climate, close to the beach.
I had a career where it was easy to change jobs. I got a new job and we moved to a warm climate, close to the beach. The second night in the new city, staying in a temporary residence hotel, he had a fit and insisted on having his own hotel suite. When we finally got into the new house (not the best choice but a house which he desperately wanted) he refused to unpack any boxes of his possessions, he lived out of his suitcase, and even kept his toothbrush and razor in a travel kit. He was ready to move out at a moment's notice.
He began to get more and more controlling and verbally hostile, never even bothered to look for a job, and finally attacked me when I complained about his behavior. We went to counseling and the counselor said that for us to stay married, he needed to commit to never being violent again. The next week, when we were gardening, he threw a wheelbarrow towards me.
I admitted everything to my parents, they hired an attorney, and the attorney and a judge felt that the best course of action was to have the sheriff evict him from the house because he had an extensive gun collection and he had a history of violence. Even after we were divorced, he stalked me. I finally had to take him to court when he threatened me with a gun.
The point of my story is to describe a man who never wanted to be married. Absolutely he seemed loving and adoring at first, but as he got pressured more and more to be a good husband and a good provider, he snapped. I had many early clues that there was disaster ahead, but I didn't know what I was looking at.
Best of luck and please think very seriously about trying to force a person who doesn't want to be married into a relationship - it can go very badly.
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