Post by Jaeger on May 2, 2016 14:25:12 GMT
Hello Mr. Kinnison,
After a particularly rough break and a very emotional period, I would like to share my story.
I had been with my ex-girlfriend for 12 years. At the time we met, she was going through a rough time with stalking from her ex. During the end of that relationship we got together. She already had a child with him. After a traumatic event for both of us, which led to her almost being killed by her ex, we built a life together and two more kids were born over the following years. I raised her daughter as my own up to this day. She never gave back nearly the amount which I gave to her emotionally, physically and mentally. I would always hit a wall when I got close to her in any way. At first, I tried talking to her about it, shared my feelings and needs and asked her what I could do to help her with her needs. This never lead to any long-term change, as she would say she was aware of what effect her actions had on me but her actions didn't change. That should have been a sign, but over the following 8 years I kept trying to get her to let me in, thinking it may be to do with what she went through. Though there was already a lack of balance in give and take at that time, I decided I would try working even harder to show her what she meant to me and try to get her to step things up as well. From the start of our relationship, right after the 'honeymoon phase' our relationship, 80 to 90% of the time, my attempts at emotional, physical or mental intimacy were rebuffed. She would criticize me for trying and reject my emotions and needs. All that pain of constant rejection eventually led me to doubt whether or not to continue our relationship.
I eventually decided that though there were bad times, I didn't want to give up on her and us, especially with children involved. The only way I felt I could continue the relationship, given that to me it was obvious she didn't want me to voice my needs, was by sealing those parts of myself away somewhere deep inside and distancing myself in those areas. Not because I didn't want her closeness (I still do, even now), but because she did not reciprocate. All the other relationship related things I kept on doing. My hope was that, after the kids had grown bigger and we would have more time to spend together, space would be created to once again reconnect in those parts as well and grow further together.
At the start of this year, she went out with one of her co-workers and she cheated on me. Afterwards, she said she thought I would be ok with it because at one point, out of frustration, I had said something along the lines of "You're not giving anything to me, so what difference would it make?". Needless to say, that wasn't how I felt at all. After this, she told me she didn't know if she loved me as a partner or 'only' as the father of her children. In the following days, I pressed her to go to relationship therapy with me. She refused at first, but eventually went with me. I told her how hard it was on me that this had happened and that I had serious issues with her keeping in contact with this co-worker. I asked her to break contact with him. She refused to change anything. Then I asked her to communicate to him that she only wanted professional contact with him and delete him from her social media from now on. She refused to change anything. She started going out more often, going for drinks with friends, going to music festivals while I stayed at home with the kids. One week, she was gone for 5 days, just assuming I would be there for them so she could go do her own thing. She made it quite clear that she didn't want to mix her 'own life' with me, even as I looked for things to do together. It felt like she shared 40% of her life with me, while she had access to 100% of mine. When I asked her why she couldn't combine her need for more freedom with our relationship, she said she didn't want to feel like she owed anybody an explanation. This while, when we started out, she was very shy and had no friends to speak of. I was the one who stimulated her to find new friends, start new activities and enjoy her life more. She had always held off on doing things as a couple, though I searched for things to do to get us closer together. The last time we had gone away for multiple days with just the two of us had now been over 10 years ago. She always said she didn't want to leave the kids alone for such a long time while now, the kids didn't seem to factor into her decisions all that much, to the point where even the kids started asking questions about why she was gone so much and why I was at home comforting them about the break up while mom was out partying.
In the therapy sessions, she said that she wanted to see if we could salvage our relationship. When I asked her what she was willing to do to make that happen, she said :"Nothing. If the relationship is right, the feelings come automatically." Needless to say, they didn't. She wound up going with me 3 times, then broke things off with me. Even though I was working my ass off and clearly changed the things she put forth as troubling her, she pretty much stood still during the process, doing the bare minimum. The evening she ended it, we told our kids. I had told her that since it was her decision, she should be the one to do it. When the time came, she kept quiet, meaning I was the one to tell them, which was the most heartbreaking thing I will ever have to do in my life. She claims the contact with the co-worker, which had continued ever since she told me she had doubts, played no part in her decision.
The final weeks, she told me that she had lost respect for me because of how I had secluded myself at times during the relationship, seeking comfort in food and gaming. How she thought I was weak and that I wasn't there for our children (who I have a great bond with and, though I'm prone to doubting myself, know without a doubt I have always been there for), and how I should have 'acted like a man'. She'd continue with how she doesn't love me anymore and doesn't find me attractive. After all that, I am seriously doubting that, nearing 36, I will ever find someone who will want to be with a single dad like me.
So now I'm sitting here, having to sell our home, pay off the debt, only seeing my kids, who are my life, half the time I used to while I now know she is already in the arms of another man. (She had booked a hotel with him within 3 weeks after breaking up with me.)
I'm focusing my attention on the kids, then myself and trying to move on and heal. The final break was at the start of March and we're co-parenting now, switching in and out of the house on a weekly basis so the kids have their own, safe base. I'm wracked with guilt for putting them through this, doubting myself, thinking I've caused this somehow and still find myself missing her, thinking about her and wanting things to be different. I also feel betrayed, unappreciated and discarded after all I have sacrificed for her, wanting only love in return. I want to move on and focus on my kids and myself, but I keep coming back to her somehow. I try to understand why she did what she did, what I could have done differently.
Since the break, I have visited our therapist alone and during our talk, she said that in her expert opinion, my ex showed an avoidant attachment pattern. Last Sunday, we had our last joint birthday of our youngest, where she only talked with her own family, completely ignoring mine. After answering her question about wether or not my sister was coming and saying she should ask her herself why she wasn't coming, she replied with: "I'll never speak to her again anyway". This after 12 years of being together and my family having done so much for her. At the end of the party, she got up and hurriedly left left me and my parents with just a general 'bye' as she walked out of the door, knowing she would probably not talk to them again after having had them in her life for the last twelve years.
Despite all these signs, and having bought and read your book, I still find myself doubting sometimes if this was my fault somehow and wether or not I'm just trying to shoehorn her behaviour into a dismissive avoidant pattern to make it easier on myself to move on while I caused this.
After a particularly rough break and a very emotional period, I would like to share my story.
I had been with my ex-girlfriend for 12 years. At the time we met, she was going through a rough time with stalking from her ex. During the end of that relationship we got together. She already had a child with him. After a traumatic event for both of us, which led to her almost being killed by her ex, we built a life together and two more kids were born over the following years. I raised her daughter as my own up to this day. She never gave back nearly the amount which I gave to her emotionally, physically and mentally. I would always hit a wall when I got close to her in any way. At first, I tried talking to her about it, shared my feelings and needs and asked her what I could do to help her with her needs. This never lead to any long-term change, as she would say she was aware of what effect her actions had on me but her actions didn't change. That should have been a sign, but over the following 8 years I kept trying to get her to let me in, thinking it may be to do with what she went through. Though there was already a lack of balance in give and take at that time, I decided I would try working even harder to show her what she meant to me and try to get her to step things up as well. From the start of our relationship, right after the 'honeymoon phase' our relationship, 80 to 90% of the time, my attempts at emotional, physical or mental intimacy were rebuffed. She would criticize me for trying and reject my emotions and needs. All that pain of constant rejection eventually led me to doubt whether or not to continue our relationship.
I eventually decided that though there were bad times, I didn't want to give up on her and us, especially with children involved. The only way I felt I could continue the relationship, given that to me it was obvious she didn't want me to voice my needs, was by sealing those parts of myself away somewhere deep inside and distancing myself in those areas. Not because I didn't want her closeness (I still do, even now), but because she did not reciprocate. All the other relationship related things I kept on doing. My hope was that, after the kids had grown bigger and we would have more time to spend together, space would be created to once again reconnect in those parts as well and grow further together.
At the start of this year, she went out with one of her co-workers and she cheated on me. Afterwards, she said she thought I would be ok with it because at one point, out of frustration, I had said something along the lines of "You're not giving anything to me, so what difference would it make?". Needless to say, that wasn't how I felt at all. After this, she told me she didn't know if she loved me as a partner or 'only' as the father of her children. In the following days, I pressed her to go to relationship therapy with me. She refused at first, but eventually went with me. I told her how hard it was on me that this had happened and that I had serious issues with her keeping in contact with this co-worker. I asked her to break contact with him. She refused to change anything. Then I asked her to communicate to him that she only wanted professional contact with him and delete him from her social media from now on. She refused to change anything. She started going out more often, going for drinks with friends, going to music festivals while I stayed at home with the kids. One week, she was gone for 5 days, just assuming I would be there for them so she could go do her own thing. She made it quite clear that she didn't want to mix her 'own life' with me, even as I looked for things to do together. It felt like she shared 40% of her life with me, while she had access to 100% of mine. When I asked her why she couldn't combine her need for more freedom with our relationship, she said she didn't want to feel like she owed anybody an explanation. This while, when we started out, she was very shy and had no friends to speak of. I was the one who stimulated her to find new friends, start new activities and enjoy her life more. She had always held off on doing things as a couple, though I searched for things to do to get us closer together. The last time we had gone away for multiple days with just the two of us had now been over 10 years ago. She always said she didn't want to leave the kids alone for such a long time while now, the kids didn't seem to factor into her decisions all that much, to the point where even the kids started asking questions about why she was gone so much and why I was at home comforting them about the break up while mom was out partying.
In the therapy sessions, she said that she wanted to see if we could salvage our relationship. When I asked her what she was willing to do to make that happen, she said :"Nothing. If the relationship is right, the feelings come automatically." Needless to say, they didn't. She wound up going with me 3 times, then broke things off with me. Even though I was working my ass off and clearly changed the things she put forth as troubling her, she pretty much stood still during the process, doing the bare minimum. The evening she ended it, we told our kids. I had told her that since it was her decision, she should be the one to do it. When the time came, she kept quiet, meaning I was the one to tell them, which was the most heartbreaking thing I will ever have to do in my life. She claims the contact with the co-worker, which had continued ever since she told me she had doubts, played no part in her decision.
The final weeks, she told me that she had lost respect for me because of how I had secluded myself at times during the relationship, seeking comfort in food and gaming. How she thought I was weak and that I wasn't there for our children (who I have a great bond with and, though I'm prone to doubting myself, know without a doubt I have always been there for), and how I should have 'acted like a man'. She'd continue with how she doesn't love me anymore and doesn't find me attractive. After all that, I am seriously doubting that, nearing 36, I will ever find someone who will want to be with a single dad like me.
So now I'm sitting here, having to sell our home, pay off the debt, only seeing my kids, who are my life, half the time I used to while I now know she is already in the arms of another man. (She had booked a hotel with him within 3 weeks after breaking up with me.)
I'm focusing my attention on the kids, then myself and trying to move on and heal. The final break was at the start of March and we're co-parenting now, switching in and out of the house on a weekly basis so the kids have their own, safe base. I'm wracked with guilt for putting them through this, doubting myself, thinking I've caused this somehow and still find myself missing her, thinking about her and wanting things to be different. I also feel betrayed, unappreciated and discarded after all I have sacrificed for her, wanting only love in return. I want to move on and focus on my kids and myself, but I keep coming back to her somehow. I try to understand why she did what she did, what I could have done differently.
Since the break, I have visited our therapist alone and during our talk, she said that in her expert opinion, my ex showed an avoidant attachment pattern. Last Sunday, we had our last joint birthday of our youngest, where she only talked with her own family, completely ignoring mine. After answering her question about wether or not my sister was coming and saying she should ask her herself why she wasn't coming, she replied with: "I'll never speak to her again anyway". This after 12 years of being together and my family having done so much for her. At the end of the party, she got up and hurriedly left left me and my parents with just a general 'bye' as she walked out of the door, knowing she would probably not talk to them again after having had them in her life for the last twelve years.
Despite all these signs, and having bought and read your book, I still find myself doubting sometimes if this was my fault somehow and wether or not I'm just trying to shoehorn her behaviour into a dismissive avoidant pattern to make it easier on myself to move on while I caused this.
