Guilt | Jeb Kinnison Attachment Type Forum

pagesal
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Posts: 23

Guilt Dec 25, 2017 22:10:05 GMT BreakingTheSpell likes this

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Post by pagesal on Dec 25, 2017 22:10:05 GMT

I am sitting here feeling incredibly guilty for the end of my relationship with my ex DA/FA. I remember he told me that he didn't want to get back together because "we argued too much" and "that we could never agree." I keep thinking that I could have saved the relationship had I only found the right words and tone to get through to him. Even though my ex said he is not great with women i still feel its my fault for two reasons:

1. I am mad that i overreacted to his attachment issues, but i did not know what avoidance was until after we broke up. I am the type of person who is very stubborn so when i wanted to get a point across i would beat it into the ground with him until he shut down.. which didnt take long for him to do. I realize now that this is the result of the way I was parented. My mom and dad did this with me to help me realize why what I did was wrong if I misbehaved. and here I was continuing the cycle. Total shame on my end. I feel its all my fault now and that he KNOWS its all my fault

2. I was talking with a friend who was dating somebody who was emotionally unavailable. she said she sat down with him and had a calm talk and explained that she was concerned that he had a hard time opening up. Everything she told him seemed to be perfectly worded. and it worked! I'm so happy for her. He has been improving a lot over the last year. The guilt i feel for not being able to do what my friend did so successfully is killing me. Why do some people get through to their unavailable/avoidant significant other but others don't? is it our fault? OR is it dependent on the person who is unavailable?

I did everything I could to save the relationship. My friends, female and male, say that I was too patient with him, but who knows.. they could have just been saying that to make me feel better

yasmin
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Posts: 535

Guilt Dec 25, 2017 23:54:07 GMT via mobile BreakingTheSpell likes this

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Post by yasmin on Dec 25, 2017 23:54:07 GMT

I don't think you can beat yourself up for not saying the perfect thing. It can be really difficult to read what is correct if someone is withholding open and vulnerable communication.

I don't think you can always feel like you're treading on eggshells either. I felt a bit like that but you're supposed to both be making an effort...not just you.

I also regret saying and doing the wrong thing at times but I also didn't understand what was going on. None of us are therapists so we're just trying to read someone's words and actions on face value and that doesn't always work out!

I've always found communicating really easy with all my past partners (even in bad relationships) but I found communicating with my FA extremely confusing and frustrating and it was because his words were contradictory, inconsistent and defensive.

This is a person who likes you bit doesn't wan6t to like you sometimes. Who wants love but doesn't want to lose control. Who wants a relationship but worries about it. Reading that is incredibly hard. I remember all the time feeling deeply confused because this person seemed to act in ways that seemed deliberately destructive and counter intuitive but at the same time I felt in my gut that he really liked me.

It's tough!!

Maybe just reflect on your intentions bring good and give yourself a break. If he has time to reflect maybe he will be back and you'll get another chance.

Last Edit: Dec 25, 2017 23:55:19 GMT by yasmin

tnr9
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Posts: 3,782

Guilt Dec 26, 2017 2:58:10 GMT

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Post by tnr9 on Dec 26, 2017 2:58:10 GMT

I understand...I play the what if and if only game so many times in my head....what if I had been able to just sit in the anxiety and let it pass over me instead of being so stirred up by it...what if I had suggested we take a break when I started taking that intensive/emotional class 4 months into dating him....why couldn't I just have not become so into him so quickly......I don't think it would have necessarily changed the outcome as he had expressed often that he had "doubts". I think it is important to remind yourself that you did the very best you could with the information you had at the time. Be kind to yourself and recognize how powerful it is to care enough about another person that you would like to go back and use what you now know. Many people would just move on without even revisiting their role.

Today I sent my ex a Merry Christmas text and he hasn't responded....so I am swirling n what I could have possibly done wrong. I have to let any expectations go...I have to remind myself that I chose to not cut ties with him because I did not want to mirror any inconsistency he received from his parents...regardless of how much I then swirl. I know I don't matter....but I have to believe that on some internal level...it does matter that I am still here...that I still believe in him.

Deleted
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Guilt Dec 26, 2017 17:53:15 GMT tnr9 likes this

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Post by Deleted on Dec 26, 2017 17:53:15 GMT

I think everyone does the "what if" in their head after a break up. Sometimes the only thing you can do is recognize your mistakes and not repeat them in the future. "Beating issues into the ground" won't be well received by most people, regardless of attachment style, so if you recognize it, you can work to change it. But don't beat yourself up about the relationship ending either. It takes two to make a relationship succeed or fail.