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Post by bedlam529 on Dec 27, 2017 4:38:33 GMT
Hi...has anyone ever heard that FA''s have a delayed withdrawal response after a breakup? Unlike AP's who have an immediate withdrawal response.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 27, 2017 6:05:23 GMT
As a general rule, whoever did the breaking up usually has a delayed response unless it was a forced dump.
From what I've read though, dismissive avoidants have a delayed response, but they also tend to do the leaving.
Not sure about FAs specifically, but since they can relate to both, it can probably go both ways depending on the circumstances of the breakup.
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Post by stellar1969 on Dec 27, 2017 23:08:55 GMT
From what I have read its actually FA's that do the "dumping", but I dislike al the generalizations.
I left my DA. He has been left by every woman he has been involved with. My guess here is that he gives so little that he will stay as long as they/! do/did.
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Post by neosporin on Dec 27, 2017 23:59:28 GMT
From what I have read its actually FA's that do the "dumping", but I dislike al the generalizations. I left my DA. He has been left by every woman he has been involved with. My guess here is that he gives so little that he will stay as long as they/! do/did. In my experience FA will dump (usually to beat the other person to a perceived punch). And when they get dumped, it's because they basically starved their partner of communication and affection and left them no choice. |
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Post by stavs on Dec 28, 2017 13:09:39 GMT
From what I have read its actually FA's that do the "dumping", but I dislike al the generalizations. I left my DA. He has been left by every woman he has been involved with. My guess here is that he gives so little that he will stay as long as they/! do/did. In my experience FA will dump (usually to beat the other person to a perceived punch). And when they get dumped, it's because they basically starved their partner of communication and affection and left them no choice. Spot on with that last sentence Neosporin! |
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Post by stellar1969 on Dec 28, 2017 16:19:34 GMT
I have never been with an FA type person. It sounds really painful. Being with a DA type is hard too, but his silence/absence says it all. I would have a very hard time resisting him if he kept appearing in my life like Ive heard stories about here. This is all so sad. Im realizing that I am mostly a secure person, but that in Romantic situations, my AP side comes out.
Its been three months since I broke up with my DA, with no response or interaction from him. Today feels very sad indeed.
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Post by jayber on Dec 29, 2017 12:01:04 GMT
In my experience FA will dump (usually to beat the other person to a perceived punch). And when they get dumped, it's because they basically starved their partner of communication and affection and left them no choice. Yes I couldn't agree more. My FA ex was always insisting they didn't have feelings for me despite behaviours to the contrary. Because I am earned secure and having grown up in an abusive house, I let a lot of his behaviour pass me by because I could see he had his own issues (his family was a mess) and he wasn't trying to harm me, but protect himself. He was actually very very sensitive as a person to the extent at times I was aware I had a lot of power to harm him (tip if you're anxious: Because you're not really tuned into your own self-worth, you probably don't realise just how much power you have over an FA and how they can fear you the more they like you). Anyway, over time I got bored of this push-pull over what our relationship really was so I put down barriers and started to give them the 'only friends' relationship they insisted we were. Because FAs can't communicate directly (unless I start the conversation and do all the work), they started to get passive-aggressive because I withdrew the affection and attention. Then I felt like he was getting paranoid I was seeing someone. At a low point on my behalf, instead of being mature and clarifying that I was seeing no one, I left it ambiguous as punishment for not acknowledging openly feelings for me. Eventually they acted out passive aggressively by announcing to me in a very flippant way that they were with someone without undue sensitivity or consideration of my feelings. My reaction was one of humour because I knew this guy would never just get with anyone. I dumped them by ending contact. Which was met with passive aggressive text messages and pleads to meet up. My FA was the best thing that ever happened to me because he did teach me the virtue of patience, building trust slowly and developing strong friendship. He helped me understand what I wanted from a relationship and how much power I can have - and how I NEED someone who is also secure enough to step up and clearly articulate their needs too. FAs can't do this well at all and fear it so much that you end up doing all the work. It becomes a one sided relationship, it's not partnership at all. |
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Post by stavs on Jan 8, 2018 16:03:44 GMT
In my experience FA will dump (usually to beat the other person to a perceived punch). And when they get dumped, it's because they basically starved their partner of communication and affection and left them no choice. (tip if you're anxious: Because you're not really tuned into your own self-worth, you probably don't realise just how much power you have over an FA and how they can fear you the more they like you). Interesting. Can you expand on this? |
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Post by bedlam71 on Jan 9, 2018 3:13:15 GMT
Jayber, your response to your FA is quite brilliant. I am curious though why you say we actually have more power over FAs than we realize?
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Post by jayber on Jan 9, 2018 20:45:24 GMT
(tip if you're anxious: Because you're not really tuned into your own self-worth, you probably don't realise just how much power you have over an FA and how they can fear you the more they like you). Interesting. Can you expand on this? Sure. This person is around you because they dig you. They are into you. You have an impact on them. All those signals you got from them - those are real. However, APs are often so caught up in worrying whether or not someone really does like them. They crave more and more signals to reassure themselves because they don't trust their own senses or the signals they got. Now consider you were secure. You would have clicked a long time ago that the other person likes you. You get the reassurance you need by trusting your own emotions and senses. Then you realise all their batsh*t behaviour is because the other person is super sensitive to you and they don't want to be harmed by you. That is power. How you utilise that power usually reflects how you feel about yourself. |
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Post by jayber on Jan 9, 2018 20:49:32 GMT
Jayber, your response to your FA is quite brilliant. I am curious though why you say we actually have more power over FAs than we realize? Because the FA is super sensitive to you. The FA is on a constant hyper vigilance that must be really tough to live with. The fact they've chosen you means they've given you (unconsciously) a lot of power over their emotions. I'm not saying abuse this power, but rather, consider the power as a sign of how awesome you are. This person who struggles with trust has chosen you - they see something in you that's really worth coming close for (although it terrifies them and that's their sh*t remember!). |
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 9, 2018 20:52:40 GMT
Hi everyone,
This is a very interesting post.
My ex FA broke up with me in April 2017 but we started seeing each other again in May of that same yr. We are still seeing each other but he has never once brought up being back together. We see each other regularly, go on dates, spend the night at each other's places and check in daily.
My ex will occasionally send a text here and there every few weeks saying either he needs space or wants us both to move on more- neither of these things ever happen. We went just 1 week apart and he ended up coming over and showing me how much he missed me. So, I'm now faced with the task of having a talk with him this week about where we are at in reality, though I'm fearful he will insist we are not together. He agreed to talk, but he usually avoids these talks like the plague.
At any rate, when he initially broke up with me, he seemed fine, relieved and calm. However a month later he was almost in a panic to see me and be in my life. So there was a delayed reaction, and i notice even now, when i give him the space he says he wants, he comes back very panicked wanting to see me.
I want to get out of this cycle and be with him whilst giving him space as needed so he feels safe, but he seems so wedded to the idea that we are not together. To your point Jayber, do you think I have more power over him than I realize? I'm a AP working towards being secure, in therapy 7 years now, so my tolerance for giving him space, sitting with my own feelings etc has greatly increased over the years.
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Post by jayber on Jan 9, 2018 21:01:02 GMT
To your point Jayber, do you think I have more power over him than I realize? Who in your relationship has the more powerful reactions to the other's behaviour? |
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 9, 2018 21:21:13 GMT
Interesting. Can you expand on this? Sure. This person is around you because they dig you. They are into you. You have an impact on them. All those signals you got from them - those are real. However, APs are often so caught up in worrying whether or not someone really does like them. They crave more and more signals to reassure themselves because they don't trust their own senses or the signals they got. Totally spot on for me as an AP...the thing is....that "worry"... that is my attachment system going on and yes...I don't know what signal and sign to pay attention to because I am trying to pay attention to all of them...and it is exhausting. Not sure how to slow that down and depersonalize it...but sooooo willing to learn. |
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 9, 2018 22:35:50 GMT
To your point Jayber, do you think I have more power over him than I realize? Who in your relationship has the more powerful reactions to the other's behaviour? Hi Jayber, Well I can really only speak from my perspective, so I would say me, but I'm on the AP spectrum, so I often take his need for space quite personally and have to work through those feelings on my own. I can tell you, that any time I pull away he reacts in panicked way, meaning he will ask to come over or meet up as soon as I break NC, or when he senses I'm pulling away, reach out relentlessly. He is very stoic, and rarely expresses how he feels so the only way I can tell how he feels is through his actions. For instance when he saw me after 10days of NC, he behaved very passionately, and since then, we have been together every weekend and talk daily. Does that help a little in answering? |
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