damascena
New Member
pregnant, alone and deceived.
Posts: 40
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Post by damascena on Dec 28, 2017 13:26:57 GMT
I'm considering more or less stopping initiating anything (in terms of setting up dates etc) with my Avoidant bf. He usually gets super nervous with stuff unless he is the one to initiate. He seems so much calmer when it's him who calls, makes the plan etc.
Would this be a good move?
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Post by Jaeger on Dec 29, 2017 1:06:29 GMT
That depends on what you mean by something 'working'. In the end, it all depends on if you realistically think that situation will make you happy in the long run. Nobody can give you the answer to that but yourself, but asking yourself the right questions is a step in the right direction.
A tendency I see a lot, especially in the AP forums is for people to put the needs of their (avoidant) partners as the center of the relationship and bending over backwards to give them what they think they need. From the sidelines, this seens to be a 'control' mechanism; "if I can just be perfect, they'll have no reason to reject me". That train of thought seems to me to reaffirm the anxious patterns.
To my mind, secure patterns would start with finding out what one needs in a relationship to be happy, establishing clear boundaries to be able to stay true to tgese core beliefs and expecting a potential partner to meet them halfway. If that can't or doesn't happen, it would be cause to end things and find someone who can offer this.
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 29, 2017 13:01:56 GMT
To my mind, secure patterns would start with finding out what one needs in a relationship to be happy, establishing clear boundaries to be able to stay true to tgese core beliefs and expecting a potential partner to meet them halfway. If that can't or doesn't happen, it would be cause to end things and find someone who can offer this. Hey Jaeger...that is exactly what I as an AP do. And yes...in the end it is about securing a partner so that that person will not leave. As a child, I learned to blame myself for the inconsistent approval I received from my parents....both of my parents displayed DA tendencies with me. So I continue to do that today whenever I am triggered by a partner with similiar tendencies. I would not even know what boundaries to set because my parents had such TIGHT boundaries with me that I did not ever need to establish boundaries of my own...and boundaries have always had a very negative association because of it. I know my needs....but stating them has certainly been an issue due to fear of rejection. I know that was not the point of this post...but wanted to explain a bit from my own perspective why an AP acts the way I do. |
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Post by jayber on Dec 29, 2017 13:28:03 GMT
I'm considering more or less stopping initiating anything (in terms of setting up dates etc) with my Avoidant bf. He usually gets super nervous with stuff unless he is the one to initiate. He seems so much calmer when it's him who calls, makes the plan etc. Would this be a good move? It's certainly an incredibly generous move of you to consider someone else's feelings like that. It's interesting you call this a 'move' because moves tend to be things you do in games and you seem switched on where the pieces are. Wouldn't it be nice to have someone you could setup a date with because you wanted to rather than have to 'move' pieces in a certain way in hope of a win? And what if it got serious and you wanted him to come to hospital with you in the future, would it be on your terms of asking him to come because you needed him or would you have to wait for his suggestion to come with you? |
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damascena
New Member
pregnant, alone and deceived.
Posts: 40
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Post by damascena on Dec 29, 2017 13:28:27 GMT
That depends on what you mean by something 'working'. In the end, it all depends on if you realistically think that situation will make you happy in the long run. Nobody can give you the answer to that but yourself, but asking yourself the right questions is a step in the right direction. A tendency I see a lot, especially in the AP forums is for people to put the needs of their (avoidant) partners as the center of the relationship and bending over backwards to give them what they think they need. From the sidelines, this seens to be a 'control' mechanism; "if I can just be perfect, they'll have no reason to reject me". That train of thought seems to me to reaffirm the anxious patterns. To my mind, secure patterns would start with finding out what one needs in a relationship to be happy, establishing clear boundaries to be able to stay true to tgese core beliefs and expecting a potential partner to meet them halfway. If that can't or doesn't happen, it would be cause to end things and find someone who can offer this. I have 2 choices. I can leave the relationship. Or I can try to make it work. I have boundaries in place. I will not accept him lying to me or cheating on me or being cruel to me, etc etc. However, letting him lead in terms of initiating meeting up doesn't feel like a dealbreaker to me. And it seems to work well for him. |
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damascena
New Member
pregnant, alone and deceived.
Posts: 40
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Post by damascena on Dec 29, 2017 13:32:05 GMT
I'm considering more or less stopping initiating anything (in terms of setting up dates etc) with my Avoidant bf. He usually gets super nervous with stuff unless he is the one to initiate. He seems so much calmer when it's him who calls, makes the plan etc. Would this be a good move? It's certainly an incredibly generous move of you to consider someone else's feelings like that. It's interesting you call this a 'move' because moves tend to be things you do in games and you seem switched on where the pieces are. Wouldn't it be nice to have someone you could setup a date with because you wanted to rather than have to 'move' pieces in a certain way in hope of a win? And what if it got serious and you wanted him to come to hospital with you in the future, would it be on your terms of asking him to come because you needed him or would you have to wait for his suggestion to come with you? If I needed him to come to hospital with me or something similar I'd just ask and he'd come. Unfortunately when it comes to arranging more everyday ordinary contact, he can get really jittery. That's the way he's wired. He's now working on it and therapy. But this is how he is. I am mainly Secure and I'm a person who typically prefers being single to being in a relationship. However, I feel significantly happier in a relationship with him than either single or in a relationship with anybody else. This is rare for me. I don't want to give up on him just yet. |
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Post by jayber on Dec 29, 2017 13:34:33 GMT
It's certainly an incredibly generous move of you to consider someone else's feelings like that. It's interesting you call this a 'move' because moves tend to be things you do in games and you seem switched on where the pieces are. Wouldn't it be nice to have someone you could setup a date with because you wanted to rather than have to 'move' pieces in a certain way in hope of a win? And what if it got serious and you wanted him to come to hospital with you in the future, would it be on your terms of asking him to come because you needed him or would you have to wait for his suggestion to come with you? If I needed him to come to hospital with me or something similar I'd just ask and he'd come. Unfortunately when it comes to arranging more everyday ordinary contact, he can get really jittery. That's the way he's wired. He's now working on it and therapy. But this is how he is. I am mainly Secure and I'm a person who typically prefers being single to being in a relationship. However, I feel significantly happier in a relationship with him than either single or in a relationship with anybody else. This is rare for me. I don't want to give up on him just yet. Sounds like you have your answer then. Why not play with letting him lead and see how it works for you.  |
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damascena
New Member
pregnant, alone and deceived.
Posts: 40
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Post by damascena on Dec 29, 2017 17:08:59 GMT
If I needed him to come to hospital with me or something similar I'd just ask and he'd come. Unfortunately when it comes to arranging more everyday ordinary contact, he can get really jittery. That's the way he's wired. He's now working on it and therapy. But this is how he is. I am mainly Secure and I'm a person who typically prefers being single to being in a relationship. However, I feel significantly happier in a relationship with him than either single or in a relationship with anybody else. This is rare for me. I don't want to give up on him just yet. Sounds like you have your answer then. Why not play with letting him lead and see how it works for you. When I let him lead things work perfectly. Not very politically correct really though is it? lol |
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Post by yasmin on Dec 29, 2017 20:21:59 GMT
I never (or very rarely) initiate contact with my FA (even when we were together as a couple) but then I am also like this with friends. Not for any reason other than that I am pretty busy, independent and not great at texting and calling in general! I tend to groan when my phone beeps so he was always the better communicator.
If I do instigate anything though, he doesn't like it! He much prefers to take the lead and make all the suggestions himself. He has to feel in control of everything, even when we communicate.
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