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Post by badger on Mar 6, 2018 17:40:23 GMT
Wow. Ok. I guess i’ll just stay as neutral as possible. She reached out yesterday to say that her son really connected with me and his basketball tourney went well and that she was thinking of me bc she thought about when we went to pick up my daughter from Madison for x-mas break. Go Badgers!! Thanks again. I know there is a wonderful person, friend or more that will understand you and I think it’s amazing that you are working on stuff. You’re the bomb.
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Post by leavethelighton on Mar 8, 2018 0:47:53 GMT
Badger, even with an amazing afternoon, some people aren't going to want to be texting/communicating the same evening or next day-- some people need more time to process it all.
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Post by ocarina on Mar 10, 2018 19:46:22 GMT
Breaking the Spell - fist of all let me say that I think you have incredible insight. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking an interest in my situation. Before I expound, let me just reiterate that I have been in a number of relationships over the years, age has a lot to do with it and trust me I’m a GUY. 😎. With that said I look inward all the time and really look for real discourse. Again, if there is any perspective I can offer up on anything you would need to discuss, I am here. I sorta feel like this can be a drain on you and others that have reached out. Just sayin’! Now- to address your point, yes when we got back from our amazing vaca(during which she told me I didn’t need to hold back in any area anymore. Before we left for vaca she got the flu and I took care of her, grocery shopped, took her kids to school as juggled my demanding job in real estate finance. It was so rewarding and she told me she could never tell me how much she felt closer to me. So I was so struck at the sudden turn. Now I think I am getting it through this recent education. After she said that she needed time to “figure things out” I wrote her a text when she was away with her kids and her friends kid on Presidents’ Day weekend. The text was that I am strong enough for her to reveal herself and that I would never love or care for somebody as much. Nothing mattered, her past(pretty sure there was infidelity there). Thatbwe all have things that are not proud of, that none of it mattered. She showed her friend, told me it was the most amazing thing she received or ever would and said that’ she was coming over whether I liked it or not. She spent 3 hours with her head in my neck and chest. Not much was said other than that it could in the cards for us. I will tell you that I will never forget one second of that afternoon. However, when she got back home, I got a curt text that it was “a nice visit” and then didn’t hear from her until I texted her the next day, pissed as hell. This is what I struggle to understand. Is this all a test, to see if I won’t go away, a deactivating mechanism or a combo of the two? I am a very strong, loyal man and she loves that about me. It’s all so hard. I always thought in the past that I feared closeness, but I realized I don't fear closeness at all. I want it and love it, but I fear what comes AFTER the closeness. It's especially hard if the person is unaware of their fears. It's not a test. Mary - I wanted to ask you what you meant by this - and then couldn't remember which thread it was on so a bit of a time delay.... Could I ask you though, what is the after the closeness part and what does it make you feel? I am asking because I feel somewhat similar and can't really put my finger on exactly what it is - this feeling and the trigger..... |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 11, 2018 5:47:50 GMT
I always thought in the past that I feared closeness, but I realized I don't fear closeness at all. I want it and love it, but I fear what comes AFTER the closeness. It's especially hard if the person is unaware of their fears. It's not a test. Mary - I wanted to ask you what you meant by this - and then couldn't remember which thread it was on so a bit of a time delay.... Could I ask you though, what is the after the closeness part and what does it make you feel? I am asking because I feel somewhat similar and can't really put my finger on exactly what it is - this feeling and the trigger..... When the "closeness" is happening, it feels great and I'm happy. But it triggers me and the trigger can be on a time after the period of closeness which makes me want to pull away. The fear is the unknown of what happens after...will they reject me, will they leave me, will I be sad, etc. I mentioned on another thread about the time I went on a trip with my bf. We had a great time, slept together every night, spent the day together, etc. When we got home and went to our separate houses, I had a deep sadness. I missed him but it was deeper than that. A week later, I started to pull away and distance. The sadness after the period of closeness scared me. What if I got close again and then I was sad again? It was all so subconscious and I didn't even know what was happening until some time later when we discussed it. I guess you could say I fear the closeness, but it's not the feeling of closeness that scares me. It's the wondering what could happen after, if that makes sense. It was eye opening for me. |
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Post by badger on Mar 11, 2018 6:22:29 GMT
Hi again everyone,
I just got home from an interesting evening. I was out on a third date with a girl that’s amazing. Beautiful, works to provide for her 4 kids, 2 of which are special needs and my FA ex showed up, knew I was gonna be there, and posted anyway. How awk is that? She was with a friend and was looking the whole night at us. She’s so fixated on me and anyone else. Wtf, really? I sent her the song for her from My last post that only one of you had responded to, it’s amazing, incredible, simple lyrics, but telling. I feel as though you all scoff, bc it’s not the immediate drama to respond to. How’s this- yes I’m SA, but earned as hell. Sorry, but deal. All I ever hear on this site is excuses and why not. Most of you have been in enough therapy to understand, so catch it and give it a shot. Don’t be afraid for the right person. That’s what I told my FA girl tonight. She knows I’m right for her and is scared shitless. She actually asked me why I’m so angry over our breakup and I said are you kidding. Feel it, it’s ok, I’m pissed bc I love you and you just ducked. It’s normal and right. Don’t be afraid enough to run. Pick me apart but you know it’s bullshit. She’s going to therapy on Friday bc she sees it. Please don’t run away from the people that care enough to stay. They see you and love you. Nobody else would do it. I want you all to be happy. Listen, I’m a survivor and I want to be happy. I fell madly in love someone who is FA. Trust me I want to kick her parents asses, but I’m gonna see this shit thru bc she is so worth it. You all should too. We f——ing love you so deal. Don’t spend the rest of your lives with excuses of why not.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 11, 2018 15:42:42 GMT
Hi again everyone, I just got home from an interesting evening. I was out on a third date with a girl that’s amazing. Beautiful, works to provide for her 4 kids, 2 of which are special needs and my FA ex showed up, knew I was gonna be there, and posted anyway. How awk is that? She was with a friend and was looking the whole night at us. She’s so fixated on me and anyone else. Wtf, really? I sent her the song for her from My last post that only one of you had responded to, it’s amazing, incredible, simple lyrics, but telling. I feel as though you all scoff, bc it’s not the immediate drama to respond to. How’s this- yes I’m SA, but earned as hell. Sorry, but deal. All I ever hear on this site is excuses and why not. Most of you have been in enough therapy to understand, so catch it and give it a shot. Don’t be afraid for the right person. That’s what I told my FA girl tonight. She knows I’m right for her and is scared shitless. She actually asked me why I’m so angry over our breakup and I said are you kidding. Feel it, it’s ok, I’m pissed bc I love you and you just ducked. It’s normal and right. Don’t be afraid enough to run. Pick me apart but you know it’s bullshit. She’s going to therapy on Friday bc she sees it. Please don’t run away from the people that care enough to stay. They see you and love you. Nobody else would do it. I want you all to be happy. Listen, I’m a survivor and I want to be happy. I fell madly in love someone who is FA. Trust me I want to kick her parents asses, but I’m gonna see this shit thru bc she is so worth it. You all should too. We f——ing love you so deal. Don’t spend the rest of your lives with excuses of why not. I don't see anyone scoffing at you here, they have tried to help you. You are the one that is "scoffing" at others, so maybe you should look inward about this. Everyone "deals" in their own way and everyone here is a survivor and everyone here wants to be happy. No one here is giving "excuses", we are working through shit and learning from each other. It's a shame you don't see that. I have a partner and we have been working through it for years. You're not special. |
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Post by badger on Mar 11, 2018 16:41:31 GMT
Ok Mary,
You’re right. Maybe this isn’t for me. I’ll go deal with this on my own. Good luck.
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Post by badger on Mar 11, 2018 16:45:04 GMT
Ok Mary,
You’re right. Maybe this isn’t for me. I’ll go deal with this on my own. Good luck.
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Post by leavethelighton on Mar 11, 2018 23:26:24 GMT
Badger, if you find it helpful to post, just because one person wrote something you found upsetting doesn't mean you have to quit posting. There seem to be plenty of people who find your posts to be meaningful.
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Post by badger on Mar 12, 2018 1:33:09 GMT
Hi compassionate,
Yes sometimes I get a bit overzealous and appreciate your kind words. I’m no wallflower, I admit, but there are times when I get feedback from one person in particular that is direct and not so nice. I know I push boundaries, but I feel I must. Yes I know I’ve just joined and I’m new to this, but I feel I have so much to add, because I “see” people. I’ve held my tongue a few times bc I feel as though the certain senior member feels as though she’s the “ omniscient narrator” and speaks for the group. I want to give as much perspective as I can, and I will continue to add. Thank you. There have been several people that have reached out to me with private messages and I am greatful.
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nic
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Post by nic on Mar 12, 2018 2:17:19 GMT
[/quote]When the "closeness" is happening, it feels great and I'm happy. But it triggers me and the trigger can be on a time after the period of closeness which makes me want to pull away. The fear is the unknown of what happens after...will they reject me, will they leave me, will I be sad, etc. I mentioned on another thread about the time I went on a trip with my bf. We had a great time, slept together every night, spent the day together, etc. When we got home and went to our separate houses, I had a deep sadness. I missed him but it was deeper than that. A week later, I started to pull away and distance. The sadness after the period of closeness scared me. What if I got close again and then I was sad again? It was all so subconscious and I didn't even know what was happening until some time later when we discussed it. I guess you could say I fear the closeness, but it's not the feeling of closeness that scares me. It's the wondering what could happen after, if that makes sense. It was eye opening for me. [/quote]
This is interesting to read. Thank you for sharing. Its a hard balance because my guy has alluded to being afraid of things ending and having to deal with that after dealing with someone for a long period. It made me think maybe his actions are fear driven. But anyones response to that is going to want to reassure and flood their partner with more love which backfires with a DA. Its like i want him to know hes safe but he hates too much attention. Its really hard to navigate.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 12, 2018 2:59:41 GMT
Hi compassionate, Yes sometimes I get a bit overzealous and appreciate your kind words. I’m no wallflower, I admit, but there are times when I get feedback from one person in particular that is direct and not so nice. I know I push boundaries, but I feel I must. Yes I know I’ve just joined and I’m new to this, but I feel I have so much to add, because I “see” people. I’ve held my tongue a few times bc I feel as though the certain senior member feels as though she’s the “ omniscient narrator” and speaks for the group. I want to give as much perspective as I can, and I will continue to add. Thank you. There have been several people that have reached out to me with private messages and I am greatful. If you are talking about me, you can say my name. If you're not, then fine too. I don't speak for anyone but myself. I speak my mind, just as you do. If you want to push boundaries, then take the push back too. |
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Post by badger on Mar 12, 2018 3:18:13 GMT
Yes Mary I was talking about you!! All good- lines of demarcation are drawn. If you don’t like my post, you can comment and I’ll be fine.
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