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Post by stavs on Dec 29, 2017 17:10:20 GMT
I've been doing a lot of thinking about my current relationship with my girlfriend and I keep coming back to her telling me she is scared. Usually she will tell me she is scared when we are being intimate. We had one interaction which was as follows:
Her: I'm scared
Me: Of what?
Her: How intense you are.
Me: What do you mean?
Her: You're so into this and us and it scares me.
Me: Well I love you and and I love us.
I honestly cant remember the rest of the interaction as it was a few months ago. Recently (about a month ago) I asked her what scares her most about me and her reply was "Your high level of commitment." I didn't really respond as I could tell she wasn't ready to go further into the conversation. As I think about it, it's hard to understand as in other interactions she has told me "never leave me," "and if you lived closer, I could see this getting serious (even though it really was." Well now she lives closer, we went from 130 miles away to 10 miles away, and I am trying more to understand her dynamic. I'm trying to understand her abandonment issues, and I'm also working to quell those fears the best I can. It's so hard to deal with as an AP, and I am trying to be as secure as possible. I suck up a lot of my emotions to make her feel more comfortable and hopefully open up more about her own feelings like she used to do during the first three or so months.
That being said, what kind of things have any of you done to help calm peoples fears? Someone in another post used an analogy of a timid animal and thats kind of the approach I've been taking. I've been trying to be calm, non pressuring, handling any disappointment by keeping my composure (hard to do) and just listening to her. One of my issues is when she approaches me with a problem, my instinct is to automatically try and help her fix it instead of just listening. I've been getting better at that and have been asking if she wants my advice, or what can do I do to help. Usually the answer is nothing or you dont understand, to which I reply, "help me to understand."
Ultimately, I just my woman to feel safe and to trust me when she is with me, and know that I wont leave her and that I have her back (which I keep stressing).
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 29, 2017 17:44:03 GMT
As I was reading your post...it made me think of a car where you are the driver and she is the passanger and you think you are going 50, but from her pserspective, you are going 80 and her comfort zone would be for you to go 30.
Put another way...she feels how much you want this relationship (are invested) as pressure...even though in your eyes, you are just being "you" and giving her what you want from her. That is a really tough one..because it may mean you need to come across as less invested to allow her room to feel her way to being more invested...but then you will need to keep your AP in check...which will not be easy.
BTW...my ex said a similiar thing to me...he said...you are three steps ahead of me. i honestly don't think it is "you" per say...but she feels pressure and is associating it back to you and speaking to it the only way she knows how.
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Post by stavs on Dec 29, 2017 17:49:44 GMT
As I was reading you post...it made me think of a car where you are the driver and she is the passanger and you think you are going 50, but from her perspective, you are going 80 and her comfort zone would be for you to go 30. Put another way...she feels how much you want this relationship (are invested) as pressure...even though in your eyes, you are just being "you" and giving her what you want from her. That is a really tough one..because it may mean you need to come across as less invested to allow her room to feel her way to being more invested...but then you will need to keep you AP in check. Great analogy. Its just so weird because on one hand she wants a relationship, and on the other she doesnt. For someone who didnt want anything serious, she certainly gives off the signals that its serious. Neither of us is seeing anyone else, she has told me she has no interest in dating anyone other than me, we talk 3-4 hours per night, I'm now given "honey-do" lists and chores at her house, and other items. She is a hard nut to crack... |
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Post by yasmin on Dec 29, 2017 18:42:24 GMT
I deal with similar things as you know, so I can sympathise.
Interestingly, I am actually also pretty scared of "commitment" although for my ex FA and I "commitment" has different meanings. So he freaks out as intense emotions and connections and also the feeling of attachment to someone, and I would be much more freaked out by the more traditional translation of commitment. So for example the idea of moving in, marriage or even making changes in my life to fit someone else. To be honest the idea of those things is both something that makes me feel happy and also something that deep down terrifies me (so maybe I am FA too deep down, which is what my FA thinks).
For me, the best approach to someone trying to get me to do something that scared me wouldn't be verbal reassurance but it'd be more about being given time and space to decide things in my own time. If my FA called me tonight and said to me he'd really like to date and give a committed relationship a shot, I'd be happy, but if he called and said he loved me and wanted to get engaged I would freak out and instantly start thinking of excuses and blocks and reasons why it wouldn't work.
A man would need a lot of patience, he'd need to grow very strong friendship and sense of trust, he'd need to spend time showing me he wasn't going anywhere (showing not saying) and he'd need to take it day by day, make it light and fun and allow me a bit of rope to move away and then come back.
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Post by stavs on Dec 29, 2017 19:09:25 GMT
I definitely dont want to get married again! LOL. I keep giving her the verbal assurance that I wont abandon her, but I think she is just so traumatized from her past that it does no good. I have a lot of patience, but I am not sure how long I can go on like this. I think if I could reduce her stress levels it would help.
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 29, 2017 19:21:32 GMT
I definitely dont want to get married again! LOL. I keep giving her the verbal assurance that I wont abandon her, but I think she is just so traumatized from her past that it does no good. I have a lot of patience, but I am not sure how long I can go on like this. I think if I could reduce her stress levels it would help. Ok...hate to raise the AP flag....but there you are trying to take care of her anxiety/stress.  . It may work....but it sounds a lot like throwing darts at a board to see if you can pop a balloon. That is the rub though of being AP...trying to understand, take care of our partner is rather instinctual. My suggestion is a bit less focus on her and a bit more focus on you. Who knows, as you become more secure....then it might naturally cause more of a balance to occur. |
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Post by stavs on Dec 29, 2017 19:23:07 GMT
I definitely dont want to get married again! LOL. I keep giving her the verbal assurance that I wont abandon her, but I think she is just so traumatized from her past that it does no good. I have a lot of patience, but I am not sure how long I can go on like this. I think if I could reduce her stress levels it would help. Ok...hate to raise the AP flag....but there you are trying to take care of her anxiety/stress. . It may work....but it sounds a lot like throwing darts at a board to see if you can pop a balloon. That is the rub though of being AP...trying to understand, take care of our partner is rather instinctual. My suggestion is a bit less focus on her and a bit more focus on you. Who knows, as you become more secure....then it might naturally cause more of a balance to occur. You're probably right. I think I need a pet to give me somethign else to be attached to. I was better when I had my dog. |
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Post by Deleted on Dec 29, 2017 19:38:41 GMT
As I was reading you post...it made me think of a car where you are the driver and she is the passanger and you think you are going 50, but from her perspective, you are going 80 and her comfort zone would be for you to go 30. Put another way...she feels how much you want this relationship (are invested) as pressure...even though in your eyes, you are just being "you" and giving her what you want from her. That is a really tough one..because it may mean you need to come across as less invested to allow her room to feel her way to being more invested...but then you will need to keep you AP in check. Great analogy. Its just so weird because on one hand she wants a relationship, and on the other she doesnt. For someone who didnt want anything serious, she certainly gives off the signals that its serious. Neither of us is seeing anyone else, she has told me she has no interest in dating anyone other than me, we talk 3-4 hours per night, I'm now given "honey-do" lists and chores at her house, and other items. She is a hard nut to crack... I think she has some avoidance, but it seems low to me. Talking on the phone every day for 3 to 4 hours and giving you chore lists are the opposite of avoidance. The problem solving versus just listening is something that has been debated for years between men and women. Her actions say commitment, but her words don't, which is confusing. |
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Post by 1wthlyf on Dec 30, 2017 15:42:43 GMT
My ex was FA and did the honey-do lists and yet feared intense closeness at the same time. I learned that she needed to know that I wasn't going anywhere, in spite of her not asking me to reassure.
She simply couldn't allow herself to be vulnerable in that way, most of the time.
But, the honey-do list stuff was one of her love languages, so it made her feel loved, by my doing stuff around her house and such.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 30, 2017 17:02:50 GMT
I definitely dont want to get married again! LOL. I keep giving her the verbal assurance that I wont abandon her, but I think she is just so traumatized from her past that it does no good. I have a lot of patience, but I am not sure how long I can go on like this. I think if I could reduce her stress levels it would help. Curious... you say you won't abandon her, do you mean emotionally while you are together? If you can't go on like this much longer, do you see ending the relationship different from abandonment? One of my therapists did say it was indeed different. She thought ending a relationship is not abandonment. |
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Post by stavs on Dec 30, 2017 20:55:47 GMT
I definitely dont want to get married again! LOL. I keep giving her the verbal assurance that I wont abandon her, but I think she is just so traumatized from her past that it does no good. I have a lot of patience, but I am not sure how long I can go on like this. I think if I could reduce her stress levels it would help. Curious... you say you won't abandon her, do you mean emotionally while you are together? If you can't go on like this much longer, do you see ending the relationship different from abandonment? One of my therapists did say it was indeed different. She thought ending a relationship is not abandonment. When I say that "I wont abandon her," I mean while her and I are together that I will give everything I can to be there for her, and I am working to keep the relationship going. I have very strong feelings for her, and I truly do love her and want to be with her forever (if possible), yet, I honestly dont know if I can stay in a relationship like this forever. I am working to make things easier for her and trying to understand everything I can about her and the issues she faces. At some point though, and who knows what that point is, I will have had enough if nothing changes. At that point, that is where she and I see it as abandonment. In her mind all her failed relationships were because either she was not good enough for the guy (friend zoned) or they left her because they wanted more than she could provide. In a few cases she has mentioned that men have not been there for her when she needed them. I am always there when she needs me. There is a pattern here. I am willing to do the work and stand out from the rest of the pack. I wont give up because its hard, because she is worth it, btu I wont wait forever....I have to find a way for her to get help for her PTSD and depression without pressuring her. Also as said, I need to be consistent in my behavior and not take things personally which is hard. I also need to ensure I am not adding to her stress with the pressures of being in a relationship - I know that can be difficult as well. |
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Post by stavs on Dec 30, 2017 20:57:09 GMT
My ex was FA and did the honey-do lists and yet feared intense closeness at the same time. I learned that she needed to know that I wasn't going anywhere, in spite of her not asking me to reassure. She simply couldn't allow herself to be vulnerable in that way, most of the time. But, the honey-do list stuff was one of her love languages, so it made her feel loved, by my doing stuff around her house and such. Would you be able to expand a bit more on this and your relationship? When she asks me to do things like this there is certainly enthusiasm in her voice and it makes me happy. |
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Post by 1wthlyf on Jan 1, 2018 15:14:40 GMT
My ex was FA and did the honey-do lists and yet feared intense closeness at the same time. I learned that she needed to know that I wasn't going anywhere, in spite of her not asking me to reassure. She simply couldn't allow herself to be vulnerable in that way, most of the time. But, the honey-do list stuff was one of her love languages, so it made her feel loved, by my doing stuff around her house and such. Would you be able to expand a bit more on this and your relationship? When she asks me to do things like this there is certainly enthusiasm in her voice and it makes me happy. One of my ex's Love Languages was Acts of Service. It was how she felt loved - when I would do stuff for her, around her house and such. According to the book The 5 Love Languages, we each have a couple of dominant Love Languages. Your languages are most likely different than your girlfriend's. This isn't a bad thing, it just shows that you're different. Just like attachment styles are different, and inherently not bad - Love Languages are the manners with which we feel loved. The rub is to ensure that both partners are aware of each others' love languages and take appropriate actions based on that info. If only one partner makes the effort, again, we're back to the AP - FA/DA dynamic. |
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Post by stavs on Jan 1, 2018 19:56:17 GMT
I definitely dont want to get married again! LOL. I keep giving her the verbal assurance that I wont abandon her, but I think she is just so traumatized from her past that it does no good. I have a lot of patience, but I am not sure how long I can go on like this. I think if I could reduce her stress levels it would help. Hi stavs, I have a little comment about this post of yours. You don't need to answer if it feels invasive, but you can think to yourself why you don't want to marry this woman. My ex bf was married once and he also stated he wouldn't marry again. What I interpreted was "I was committed to somebody once and I was serious about it to write it down on paper, but with you my commitment doesn't go as far". Again, this is just my opinion, as an FA. Not invasive at all! I've been married twice, so I'm pretty much done with it in the sense that i dont want the big religious wedding and such. I have no trouble committing to someone for life, and am fine with domestic partnership. Now, if this woman wanted to get married, I would do it for her, but I am certainy not pushing it. She doesnt want to get married either - at least that is what she says. I'm a one woman guy, and if she gave me the ultimatum to get married, I'd cave. I told her this the other night actually. |
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. It may work....but it sounds a lot like throwing darts at a board to see if you can pop a balloon. That is the rub though of being AP...trying to understand, take care of our partner is rather instinctual.
