Post by Deleted on Dec 31, 2017 0:29:44 GMT
I'm sharing a conversation I just had with my room mate. I was explain how I have a hard time understanding STILL what happened between me and my Avoidantly attached Ex Boyfriend.
Sometimes I think that if I could hate him it would be easier. He even told me that he wished I could just hate him. But I will never feel that way about him. I can't I love him. I was trying to speak negatively of him saying things like 'what a dick' and 'he's a jerk!" and " I always see the good in people but maybe sometimes there is just no good to be found!" I was hoping by trying distancing techniques myself I could expedite this healing process but that never seems to work and I end up feel bad for trying to talk trash about someone I care deeply about.
I can't make heads or tails of what happened. The only thing he's ever offered me is, "I'm not in love with you. It didn't work out for no other reason that it was no longer felt." When I asked if he knew why he stopped feeling love for me he said, "No, I don't"
It seems, from his behavior, that he stopped feeling love for me just a week or two after HE told me that he loved me and that I was "perfect". That is the highest compliment he will give to anyone. So the sudden 180 was very confusing to me.
I was just attempting trash talk and she was like "YEAH! He's a jerk!" But we were not having any success. I told her he's acting like a jerk, but I truly love him.
She has been through some sever traumatic situations and she said, "This is why I am out of the game. I would love to be married and have a husband but I don't think I could handle it. Even if he was perfect, I thin I would sabotage it and end up hurting him so that I wouldn't get hurt." The things she said sounded so much like my ex.
I said, "See this is why I can't call him a jerk. You and I have so much fun hanging out, we have become such good friends, you've gone through so much yet I couldn't imagine ever thinking you are a jerk because of the pain you suffered in the past. This friendship I have with you, that's what I had with my ex. It was GOOD! I loved being his friend and I miss that. I same as I can't bring myself to dislike you, I can't feel that way about him. He's really not a jerk. He is a person who has been hurt, damage in some way. That doesn't make me hate him, it makes me feel sympathy for him."
"Here is the thing though, " said my friend, "He needs to recognize that about himself and pull himself out of the game. Breaking hearts is not right just because your heart has been broken. Someone else isn't going ot have all that you need to be healed. They can support you while you work to heal, but they can't fix it for you."
I am a very introspective person I've done so much of my own work and am always trying to improve myself (must be the INFJ personality I have). I get discouraged when others don't see the need or want to do that work for themselves.
My ex said to me that he was broken and that some people are just broken beyond repair. I don't believe that, not about him. But the work is not mine to do. I've come to except that while he may see me as "perfect" even "perfect" can't force change.
He would complement me a lot at the beginning, but when I would express my sincere feelings he would be so uncomfortable and say, "it's not sincere. I ask if he meant that I was not being sincere or that he was not being sincere. He never answered and this was the biggest difference we ever had up until we stared discussing marriage.
He told me once when I asked why he was distancing himself, long before I knew anything about attachment styles, he said I don't know. I asked why he was allowed to be loving toward me but I was not allowed to express love back. He said, "I don't know. When a person gives me nothing, then I want to express to them more."
"So if I do nothing you will give me what I need emotionally." I asked.
"Yes." he said.
"Ok, so when do I get to be a part of the relationship then? Because I need to be able to express what you mean to me too."
His favorite answer to any question I posed was, "I don't know"
Maybe it was all a game but Maybe he really doesn't know. He insists he never played any games with me. If that is true then I just feel deeper sorrow for him because I think he needs to know for himself more than anyone because he must be miserable.
But, I've grown weary of feeling confused and miserable myself. I've done everything I can to try to make things work. I've done my best to understand who he is and what he needs. But hoping that he will figure things out makes me terribly sad.
Its like loving someone with an addiction. You know they are hurting themselves and others but there is nothing you can do to MAKE them stop, no words, no amount of reasoning or pleading. Change comes when that person is ready.
I'm ready for a change myself. I love him so, so much but I can do that from afar.
I don't believe that avoidants are bad at all. Some of their behavior and choices can be irrational and hurtful, but so can the actions of the anxiously attached. No matter your attachment style we are all just humans. In my opinion we all have to remember that.
Thanks for reading, I just needed to get this off my chest.
Sometimes I think that if I could hate him it would be easier. He even told me that he wished I could just hate him. But I will never feel that way about him. I can't I love him. I was trying to speak negatively of him saying things like 'what a dick' and 'he's a jerk!" and " I always see the good in people but maybe sometimes there is just no good to be found!" I was hoping by trying distancing techniques myself I could expedite this healing process but that never seems to work and I end up feel bad for trying to talk trash about someone I care deeply about.
I can't make heads or tails of what happened. The only thing he's ever offered me is, "I'm not in love with you. It didn't work out for no other reason that it was no longer felt." When I asked if he knew why he stopped feeling love for me he said, "No, I don't"
It seems, from his behavior, that he stopped feeling love for me just a week or two after HE told me that he loved me and that I was "perfect". That is the highest compliment he will give to anyone. So the sudden 180 was very confusing to me.
I was just attempting trash talk and she was like "YEAH! He's a jerk!" But we were not having any success. I told her he's acting like a jerk, but I truly love him.
She has been through some sever traumatic situations and she said, "This is why I am out of the game. I would love to be married and have a husband but I don't think I could handle it. Even if he was perfect, I thin I would sabotage it and end up hurting him so that I wouldn't get hurt." The things she said sounded so much like my ex.
I said, "See this is why I can't call him a jerk. You and I have so much fun hanging out, we have become such good friends, you've gone through so much yet I couldn't imagine ever thinking you are a jerk because of the pain you suffered in the past. This friendship I have with you, that's what I had with my ex. It was GOOD! I loved being his friend and I miss that. I same as I can't bring myself to dislike you, I can't feel that way about him. He's really not a jerk. He is a person who has been hurt, damage in some way. That doesn't make me hate him, it makes me feel sympathy for him."
"Here is the thing though, " said my friend, "He needs to recognize that about himself and pull himself out of the game. Breaking hearts is not right just because your heart has been broken. Someone else isn't going ot have all that you need to be healed. They can support you while you work to heal, but they can't fix it for you."
I am a very introspective person I've done so much of my own work and am always trying to improve myself (must be the INFJ personality I have). I get discouraged when others don't see the need or want to do that work for themselves.
My ex said to me that he was broken and that some people are just broken beyond repair. I don't believe that, not about him. But the work is not mine to do. I've come to except that while he may see me as "perfect" even "perfect" can't force change.
He would complement me a lot at the beginning, but when I would express my sincere feelings he would be so uncomfortable and say, "it's not sincere. I ask if he meant that I was not being sincere or that he was not being sincere. He never answered and this was the biggest difference we ever had up until we stared discussing marriage.
He told me once when I asked why he was distancing himself, long before I knew anything about attachment styles, he said I don't know. I asked why he was allowed to be loving toward me but I was not allowed to express love back. He said, "I don't know. When a person gives me nothing, then I want to express to them more."
"So if I do nothing you will give me what I need emotionally." I asked.
"Yes." he said.
"Ok, so when do I get to be a part of the relationship then? Because I need to be able to express what you mean to me too."
His favorite answer to any question I posed was, "I don't know"
Maybe it was all a game but Maybe he really doesn't know. He insists he never played any games with me. If that is true then I just feel deeper sorrow for him because I think he needs to know for himself more than anyone because he must be miserable.
But, I've grown weary of feeling confused and miserable myself. I've done everything I can to try to make things work. I've done my best to understand who he is and what he needs. But hoping that he will figure things out makes me terribly sad.
Its like loving someone with an addiction. You know they are hurting themselves and others but there is nothing you can do to MAKE them stop, no words, no amount of reasoning or pleading. Change comes when that person is ready.
I'm ready for a change myself. I love him so, so much but I can do that from afar.
I don't believe that avoidants are bad at all. Some of their behavior and choices can be irrational and hurtful, but so can the actions of the anxiously attached. No matter your attachment style we are all just humans. In my opinion we all have to remember that.
Thanks for reading, I just needed to get this off my chest.
