damascena
New Member
pregnant, alone and deceived.
Posts: 40
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Post by damascena on Jan 1, 2018 11:20:44 GMT
His mood swings/personality changes are particularly alarming. Up until today he's been supportive and wanted me to have the baby. I'm not sure I will even emerge from this situation mentally intact. It's so awful. Mary is right - it's not just avoidant men who skip out on pregnancy/partners - it of course happens very often. It's just that text in particular had a familiar tone that I would hear when I realized the person I knew could not empathise, or perhaps relate. I am assuming - not to be too personal  - that you can't be more than two months pregnant? Please take some time to think about what you want and can handle - please don't base it on him, just you. No one can know that but you. I'm keeping the baby. I suppose the Avoidant will never see his child or ever speak to me again.  |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 1, 2018 18:51:21 GMT
I applaud your decision, but bear in mind that your child will be his/her own person, and might desire to have a relationship one day with his/her father. So do keep an open mind about this....
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Post by scarlett on Jan 1, 2018 22:25:20 GMT
Wow. My heart breaks for you. I truly hope you have a support system around you. You need people to help you cope with this. I came on here because I am dealing with an avoidant, but this is just awful. I agree with the other poster about cognitive empathy. I have had many men in my life respond in ways that just weren't "right" and didn't feel comforting at all.
I hope we can all be here to support you as you go through this. You deserve lots of attention, support and care. I am validating any feelings you have right now...his reaction and behavior is just unacceptable.
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Post by yasmin on Jan 1, 2018 22:54:30 GMT
My son has only seen his birth father a couple of times. He isn't interested in doing so. He ended up with the most amazing stepfather!
Try and stay positive. ..it's tough but this is also the most beautiful gift and you can do it!
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Jan 3, 2018 0:39:08 GMT
Mary is right - it's not just avoidant men who skip out on pregnancy/partners - it of course happens very often. It's just that text in particular had a familiar tone that I would hear when I realized the person I knew could not empathise, or perhaps relate. I am assuming - not to be too personal - that you can't be more than two months pregnant? Please take some time to think about what you want and can handle - please don't base it on him, just you. No one can know that but you. I'm keeping the baby. I suppose the Avoidant will never see his child or ever speak to me again. My daughter is now an adult. She searched for and found her birth father through social media a few years ago. He is now married with 2 kids. They have a relationship "of sorts", but she has a lot of anger towards him (rightfully so) and therefore, the relationship can not really get off the ground. I hope he comes around and decides to support your decision and play a part in his child's life. |
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damascena
New Member
pregnant, alone and deceived.
Posts: 40
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Post by damascena on Jan 15, 2018 19:28:30 GMT
So since I lasted posted here the DA has been in touch on and off. He persuaded me to meet up with him in person. As we sat down in a coffee shop to talk he said "Well you clearly stole my sperm and now you're happy and need nothing more from me, so this is the last time we need to meet."
We talked longer and somehow this led to us kissing and him saying that actually we should stay together, build a future and go on vacation together to start with. Baby is due in August. We went back to my apartment, talked, hugged, had sex etc etc. All was great.
The next day he sent me this message:
"To be honest I can already say its not going to work out...as I feel different about all of this. I dont want to mislead or fake my happiness cos I'm not at all excited or happy about this. After listening to u yesterday and my big mistake of coming to ur flat. We are not for each other.
"It's already diverted my focus and the fact that I will be moving back to Oman end of the year will only make it harder. Im involved in things that I cant even talk about so its better for me to just be truthful now."
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Post by leavethelighton on Feb 10, 2018 0:59:30 GMT
Also-- if you have the baby, don't feel guilty getting the financial child support you are legally eligible for. It's the least he could do.
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Post by abolish on Feb 10, 2018 15:29:51 GMT
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Post by mrob on Feb 11, 2018 12:51:13 GMT
My response was: Sheeeet. Everything was very real. We were married a year or so, but at that point everything became real. There was no getting out of this. And I knew I need(ed) her because I wasn’t capable of the love and family stuff. I had no idea about attachment styles, but I knew I was lacking.
Our little girl is 8 soon and I still struggle with that. I have to really try to be an engaging, thoughtful parent, but I’m nothing like my ex wife. Nowhere near as intuitively receptive. Sometimes I just don’t see it. This stuff is just heartbreaking.
I hope he sees his way past the drugs and can have some sort of relationship with the little one at some point.
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damascena
New Member
pregnant, alone and deceived.
Posts: 40
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Post by damascena on Feb 13, 2018 18:43:25 GMT
Wow. My heart breaks for you. I truly hope you have a support system around you. You need people to help you cope with this. I came on here because I am dealing with an avoidant, but this is just awful. I agree with the other poster about cognitive empathy. I have had many men in my life respond in ways that just weren't "right" and didn't feel comforting at all. I hope we can all be here to support you as you go through this. You deserve lots of attention, support and care. I am validating any feelings you have right now...his reaction and behavior is just unacceptable. Thank you xx |
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damascena
New Member
pregnant, alone and deceived.
Posts: 40
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Post by damascena on Feb 13, 2018 18:43:41 GMT
My response was: Sheeeet. Everything was very real. We were married a year or so, but at that point everything became real. There was no getting out of this. And I knew I need(ed) her because I wasn’t capable of the love and family stuff. I had no idea about attachment styles, but I knew I was lacking. Our little girl is 8 soon and I still struggle with that. I have to really try to be an engaging, thoughtful parent, but I’m nothing like my ex wife. Nowhere near as intuitively receptive. Sometimes I just don’t see it. This stuff is just heartbreaking. I hope he sees his way past the drugs and can have some sort of relationship with the little one at some point. What? |
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Post by mrob on Feb 14, 2018 0:05:49 GMT
I was relating my story as an avoidant when I found out my (now) ex-wife was pregnant.
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damascena
New Member
pregnant, alone and deceived.
Posts: 40
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Post by damascena on Feb 15, 2018 12:33:06 GMT
I was relating my story as an avoidant when I found out my (now) ex-wife was pregnant. Thanks. I ended up speaking with his ex partner (his Phantom Ex who he put on a pedestal). Turns out he also impregnated her, but she had a miscarriage. When she called him to take her to the hospital while miscarrying he simply didn't bother to show up. She dumped him two years ago. He is stalking her at her workplace to this day and he has also physically attacked her. |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Feb 15, 2018 13:38:07 GMT
I was relating my story as an avoidant when I found out my (now) ex-wife was pregnant. Thanks. I ended up speaking with his ex partner (his Phantom Ex who he put on a pedestal). Turns out he also impregnated her, but she had a miscarriage. When she called him to take her to the hospital while miscarrying he simply didn't bother to show up. She dumped him two years ago. He is stalking her at her workplace to this day and he has also physically attacked her. He sounds like a narcissist. Mine was never supportive when we were together but stalked me for years to the point of a restraining order. 10 years later and he send me flowers every Valentines Day. Please be careful. They will do anything to gain control. |
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- that you can't be more than two months pregnant? Please take some time to think about what you want and can handle - please don't base it on him, just you. No one can know that but you.
