damascena
New Member
pregnant, alone and deceived.
Posts: 40
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Post by damascena on Dec 31, 2017 10:38:40 GMT
sent by text
"I'm sorry but we cannot go ahead with this. It's not fair to you or me. I don't think u should keep the baby as we are not 100% committed. I'm sorry for everything and sorry we can not continue anything further. I wish u all the best and blessed new year. X"
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Post by tnr9 on Dec 31, 2017 12:46:16 GMT
Oh damascena...I am terribly sorry.. What I don't get is his suggestion for you to not keep the baby but to have a blessed new year. Is he a Christian? Because I would have expected him to step up to his role as the "father" even if the two of you are not 100% committed. Honestly it sounds like you truly dodged a bullet...the proof of who he is is contained in those sentences...relationship on his terms only. Sheesh...you deserve so much better.
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 31, 2017 14:52:26 GMT
I'm so sorry to hear - this must be devastating for you.  This shows clearly and truly what he is made of, and the only thing you can do is to completely focus on yourself. Us trying to get the DAs "to do the right thing" is simply pushing on a string - they are wgat they are, they are telling us what they are, we can only plan our lives for ourselves based on what they tell us. Thankfully, it isn't too late - you are not married or yoked to such a person because your life will continue to get devastated everyday if you stay with him. It's a crisis that you will need to find inner strength to handle, and to find the best decision for yourself. Focus on your future, not your past with this man. Good luck and all the best to you. Hugs! |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 31, 2017 17:47:14 GMT
I'm so sorry. I've been in your shoes. No matter what you decide is the best decision for you. I raised my daughter without any help from her sperm donor. It was difficult, but the best thing I ever did in my life. I wish you the best.
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damascena
New Member
pregnant, alone and deceived.
Posts: 40
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Post by damascena on Dec 31, 2017 17:56:52 GMT
Oh damascena...I am terribly sorry.. What I don't get is his suggestion for you to not keep the baby but to have a blessed new year. Is he a Christian? Because I would have expected him to step up to his role as the "father" even if the two of you are not 100% committed. Honestly it sounds like you truly dodged a bullet...the proof of who he is is contained in those sentences...relationship on his terms only. Sheesh...you deserve so much better. No, he is a Muslim. But despite being a Muslim he drinks alcohol, abuses drugs and has as much sex outside of marriage as he can get. Yes I think this text message is proof of who he REALLY is. We both knew about the pregnancy since 6th December. He was loving, sweet and kind about it. This text today came out of the blue. |
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Post by serene13 on Dec 31, 2017 18:22:32 GMT
I'm sorry damascena - but not surprised. The avoidant I knew was aware of his inability to parent anyone and also his own admitted selfishness so he got himself sterilized early on. I had a very good friend from childhood who also knew this and I'm sure now they are avoidant. The lack of empathy also shows through in that text. You get to decide what you want to do based on how you feel about being able to handle being a parent right now - I feel for you that you have to go through this alone.
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damascena
New Member
pregnant, alone and deceived.
Posts: 40
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Post by damascena on Dec 31, 2017 18:24:28 GMT
I'm so sorry to hear - this must be devastating for you. This shows clearly and truly what he is made of, and the only thing you can do is to completely focus on yourself. Us trying to get the DAs "to do the right thing" is simply pushing on a string - they are wgat they are, they are telling us what they are, we can only plan our lives for ourselves based on what they tell us. Thankfully, it isn't too late - you are not married or yoked to such a person because your life will continue to get devastated everyday if you stay with him. It's a crisis that you will need to find inner strength to handle, and to find the best decision for yourself. Focus on your future, not your past with this man. Good luck and all the best to you. Hugs! Thank you. Less than 48 hours ago this same "person" had his arms wrapped around me, telling me he would stand by me. He was being sweet, gentle and loving. |
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damascena
New Member
pregnant, alone and deceived.
Posts: 40
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Post by damascena on Dec 31, 2017 18:25:39 GMT
I'm sorry damascena - but not surprised. The avoidant I knew was aware of his inability to parent anyone and also his own admitted selfishness so he got himself sterilized early on. I had a very good friend from childhood who also knew this and I'm sure now they are avoidant. The lack of empathy also shows through in that text. You get to decide what you want to do based on how you feel about being able to handle being a parent right now - I feel for you that you have to go through this alone. I'm interested that you got lack of empathy from that text too. I thought it was just me. Which part of it in particular did you think lacked empathy? |
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Post by yasmin on Dec 31, 2017 18:32:05 GMT
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I raised a child alone though and never missed having his father around. It's challenging at times but it's also the greatest gift and he's made me happy every day for 14 years. Can you pull strength and focus in on you and the baby? If he doesn't want a part of it it doesnt mean you can't make whatever decision you like.
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Post by serene13 on Dec 31, 2017 18:56:31 GMT
I'm sorry damascena - but not surprised. The avoidant I knew was aware of his inability to parent anyone and also his own admitted selfishness so he got himself sterilized early on. I had a very good friend from childhood who also knew this and I'm sure now they are avoidant. The lack of empathy also shows through in that text. You get to decide what you want to do based on how you feel about being able to handle being a parent right now - I feel for you that you have to go through this alone. I'm interested that you got lack of empathy from that text too. I thought it was just me. Which part of it in particular did you think lacked empathy? Total lack of empathy - which sounds so familiar to me. That he can't put himself in your shoes - know how difficult this would be for you - how important a decision this is and how much of an impact it will have on your life either way - total. I'm sure he would be the first to acknowledge that if he's self aware enough. Pretty selfish also, which he would also probably admit to. In his defense though, at least he knows he's not cut out for it - by that text I don't think he ever would be - my opinion. |
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Post by Jaeger on Dec 31, 2017 19:00:23 GMT
I'm sorry damascena - but not surprised. The avoidant I knew was aware of his inability to parent anyone and also his own admitted selfishness so he got himself sterilized early on. I had a very good friend from childhood who also knew this and I'm sure now they are avoidant. The lack of empathy also shows through in that text. You get to decide what you want to do based on how you feel about being able to handle being a parent right now - I feel for you that you have to go through this alone. I'm interested that you got lack of empathy from that text too. I thought it was just me. Which part of it in particular did you think lacked empathy? I'm not sure that 'lack' of empathy is to blame. The problem here seems to be that it's not the kind of empathy that you need to feel better. The reaction to me seems to be cognitive empathy, where someone intellectually understands your situation. And as you can see on: www.skillsyouneed.com/ips/empathy-types.html"Cognitive empathy can often be considered under-emotional. It involves insufficient feeling, and therefore perhaps too much logical analysis. It may be perceived as an unsympathetic response by those in distress." In a situation like this, I think the majority of people would like to be reassured by a partner who tries to 'read' your emotional state and offers ways to help you through it, which would fall under the category of compassionate empathy: " As a general rule, people who want or need your empathy don’t just need you to understand (cognitive empathy), and they certainly don’t need you just to feel their pain or, worse, to burst into tears alongside them (emotional empathy). Instead, they need you to understand and sympathise with what they are going through and, crucially, either take, or help them to take, action to resolve the situation, which is compassionate empathy." |
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Dec 31, 2017 19:13:31 GMT
I'm sorry damascena - but not surprised. The avoidant I knew was aware of his inability to parent anyone and also his own admitted selfishness so he got himself sterilized early on. I had a very good friend from childhood who also knew this and I'm sure now they are avoidant. The lack of empathy also shows through in that text. You get to decide what you want to do based on how you feel about being able to handle being a parent right now - I feel for you that you have to go through this alone. I'm interested that you got lack of empathy from that text too. I thought it was just me. Which part of it in particular did you think lacked empathy? It's not just lack of empathy. It's lack of remotely understanding the situation. I am not man bashing, but I have seen this from many men and it's not just avoidants. Fatherless children is an epidemic in the US. At the very least, he has a responsibility that it appears he is just washing his hands of. Plus it's not for him to comment on what you should do about keeping/not keeping. It's your body. It's a monumental decision and it appears he has no understanding of that. Of course, I am only seeing one text, but what kind of person texts that anyway? It should have been an in person conversation, at the very least. |
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damascena
New Member
pregnant, alone and deceived.
Posts: 40
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Post by damascena on Dec 31, 2017 19:14:17 GMT
I'm interested that you got lack of empathy from that text too. I thought it was just me. Which part of it in particular did you think lacked empathy? Total lack of empathy - which sounds so familiar to me. That he can't put himself in your shoes - know how difficult this would be for you - how important a decision this is and how much of an impact it will have on your life either way - total. I'm sure he would be the first to acknowledge that if he's self aware enough. Pretty selfish also, which he would also probably admit to. In his defense though, at least he knows he's not cut out for it - by that text I don't think he ever would be - my opinion. His mood swings/personality changes are particularly alarming. Up until today he's been supportive and wanted me to have the baby. I'm not sure I will even emerge from this situation mentally intact. It's so awful. |
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damascena
New Member
pregnant, alone and deceived.
Posts: 40
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Post by damascena on Dec 31, 2017 19:19:14 GMT
I'm interested that you got lack of empathy from that text too. I thought it was just me. Which part of it in particular did you think lacked empathy? It's not just lack of empathy. It's lack of remotely understanding the situation. I am not man bashing, but I have seen this from many men and it's not just avoidants. Fatherless children is an epidemic in the US. At the very least, he has a responsibility that it appears he is just washing his hands of. Plus it's not for him to comment on what you should do about keeping/not keeping. It's your body. It's a monumental decision and it appears he has no understanding of that. Of course, I am only seeing one text, but what kind of person texts that anyway? It should have been an in person conversation, at the very least.Right. We've been discussing this for a while. We met up in person on Friday and the week before. Last week he was so loving and we were clearly still in a relationship. He'd never been more gentle and affectionate. Friday he was back on his drugs again. He was one minute loving and attentive, giving me a shoulder massage, asking how the pregnancy symptoms were doing. He said he's against abortion. We talked about the baby. But then mood swings or whatever it is he has, and he became quite weird. He drove me home (high on drugs). Looked very sad. Then, this morning, this text telling me it's all over and I must get an abortion. I called him after getting the text and he didn't pick up, or call back. I'm sorry but how is this remotely normal behaviour? To say I am absolutely devastated and in pieces would be a massive understatement. I don't even know how to carry on. |
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Post by serene13 on Dec 31, 2017 20:03:36 GMT
Total lack of empathy - which sounds so familiar to me. That he can't put himself in your shoes - know how difficult this would be for you - how important a decision this is and how much of an impact it will have on your life either way - total. I'm sure he would be the first to acknowledge that if he's self aware enough. Pretty selfish also, which he would also probably admit to. In his defense though, at least he knows he's not cut out for it - by that text I don't think he ever would be - my opinion. His mood swings/personality changes are particularly alarming. Up until today he's been supportive and wanted me to have the baby. I'm not sure I will even emerge from this situation mentally intact. It's so awful. Mary is right - it's not just avoidant men who skip out on pregnancy/partners - it of course happens very often. It's just that text in particular had a familiar tone that I would hear when I realized the person I knew could not empathise, or perhaps relate. I am assuming - not to be too personal  - that you can't be more than two months pregnant? Please take some time to think about what you want and can handle - please don't base it on him, just you. No one can know that but you. |
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- that you can't be more than two months pregnant? Please take some time to think about what you want and can handle - please don't base it on him, just you. No one can know that but you.