DA ended 6 years? I think?

naki
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Posts: 4

DA ended 6 years? I think? Dec 31, 2017 18:48:30 GMT

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Post by naki on Dec 31, 2017 18:48:30 GMT

Hi this is my first time posting.
I need help to know if its really over or what the hell is going on because he ended it and now said he is unsure.

My DA bf of 6 years asked me to move out in the beginning of December for space after we had a huge argument. He said he couldnt handle me anymore, finds me "abusive and toxic". I was driven to insanity because he had been "shut down" for most of the year, stonewalling me from our non stop talks and fights over why he still hadnt proposed.
His family, me and my family put pressure on him during our time of space because it was 4 weeks of NC and I didnt know what was going on.
He sent me a txt to end it the day before christmas, telling me he felt he has failed me, he felt he couldn't communicate to me, he is depressed and can only think of the bad things and getting back together doesnt make him happy and that the only way he can get back to feeling happy again is to be "left alone" to deal with his issues and "its not right to drag" me through his mess.

2 days later I ask to see him because I refuse to accept a breakup via txt after all these years. When I saw him I asked him straight-up if he is 100% sure of his decision. He said he isnt sure and that he snapped because of the pressure, that he still loves me and "wants everything" but also said that he hadnt missed me in our time apart because he can focus on work better and sleep better and just assumed maybe his life would be better without me. He said he just ended it because he feels he still needs space and that maybe he needs to lose me to realise what he wants. He specifically said he isnt interested in seeing anyone else. He has shut-out everyone in his life and just wants to be left alone. So i suggested that he takes more space to get his head in order. It has been 6 days now of NC.

Should I act as if this over? Is he just going "soft" on a break up? Do DA's normally do this because I thought they would normally have a clean cut breakup but my bf seems to be so torn right now. I am going NC for as long as I can but I am scared the longer I do the less chance I have of getting him back.

Someone please give me some advise!

Deleted Deleted Member Posts: 0	DA ended 6 years? I think? Jan 1, 2018 1:27:34 GMT Quote Select Post Deselect Post Link to Post Back to Top Post by Deleted on Jan 1, 2018 1:27:34 GMT Is this your first breakup in 6 years?

naki
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Posts: 4

DA ended 6 years? I think? Jan 1, 2018 7:45:13 GMT

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Post by naki on Jan 1, 2018 7:45:13 GMT

Yes this is our first break up in 6 years. The past 1.5 years have been very toxic with arguing about me wanting an engagement. I kept pushing to talk over and over and feel its my fault because i never realised the imapact this has on a DA. I wish I found this site earlier because I realise how we can overcome our push-pull dynamic (and we can both move back into a secure)

Jaeger
Senior Member

Posts: 309

DA ended 6 years? I think? Jan 1, 2018 12:20:35 GMT via mobile

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Post by Jaeger on Jan 1, 2018 12:20:35 GMT

Jan 1, 2018 7:45:13 GMT naki said:

Yes this is our first break up in 6 years. The past 1.5 years have been very toxic with arguing about me wanting an engagement. I kept pushing to talk over and over and feel its my fault because i never realised the imapact this has on a DA. I wish I found this site earlier because I realise how we can overcome our push-pull dynamic (and we can both move back into a secure)

This sounds like you are operating under the assumption that this outcome is always possible and a quick fix. I'm sorry to say that neither of these are true.

That said, why are you assuming that your partner has a dismissive avoidant attachment style? What I read in your post only tells me that he feels pressured by you and family and isn't sure he wants to marry. If everyone in that position were automatically DA, I think there wouldn't be enough non-avoidant people left for them to form relationships with.

Last Edit: Jan 1, 2018 12:25:54 GMT by Jaeger

naki
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Posts: 4

DA ended 6 years? I think? Jan 1, 2018 12:30:46 GMT

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Post by naki on Jan 1, 2018 12:30:46 GMT

Jan 1, 2018 12:20:35 GMT Jaeger said:

Jan 1, 2018 7:45:13 GMT naki said:

Yes this is our first break up in 6 years. The past 1.5 years have been very toxic with arguing about me wanting an engagement. I kept pushing to talk over and over and feel its my fault because i never realised the imapact this has on a DA. I wish I found this site earlier because I realise how we can overcome our push-pull dynamic (and we can both move back into a secure)

This sounds like you are operating under the assumption that this outcome is always possible and a quick fix. I'm sorry to say that neither of these are true. That said, why are you assuming that your partner has a dismissive avoidant attachment style? What I read in your post only tells me that he feels pressured by you and family and isn't sure he wants to marry.

I thought that was the case for a very long time myself. He physically and emotionally withdraws from any type of "threatening" or "emotional" discussion and has managed to stonewall me completely and everyone else in his life when issues arise. It took me a while to realise why. He has also said in the past that once he is done he is done in a relationship, to the extent he blocks out every memory and moves on quickly. He hasnt ever been dumped and I am his longest relationship.
I can see he feels very conflicted because he does love me, and wishes he could communicate but has told me he "processes emotions differently" and I sense he does feel confused by all of this.
I do not for a second believe there is a quick fix, however, I am trying to make sense of the situation. Why someone who can detach so easily, but still keep a foot in the door and give a mixed signal. I want to give him space because this is what he needs but I feel I risk him shuttingdown completely and moving on to sooth his sense of guilt and loss in all of this

lucky
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Posts: 29

DA ended 6 years? I think? Jan 2, 2018 21:45:13 GMT

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Post by lucky on Jan 2, 2018 21:45:13 GMT

Jan 1, 2018 12:30:46 GMT naki said:

Jan 1, 2018 12:20:35 GMT Jaeger said:

I can see he feels very conflicted because he does love me, and wishes he could communicate but has told me he "processes emotions differently" and I sense he does feel confused by all of this.
I do not for a second believe there is a quick fix, however, I am trying to make sense of the situation. Why someone who can detach so easily, but still keep a foot in the door and give a mixed signal. I want to give him space because this is what he needs but I feel I risk him shuttingdown completely and moving on to sooth his sense of guilt and loss in all of this

Have you ever shown him the summary (or list of distancing behaviors)?
If yes, what did he say?

If he is DA, it seems as though he is somewhat self-aware. If he isnt aware that he is DA (and has a love of learning or self-growth) maybe seeing it laid out in front of him will help him realize how much work it will require for him to be in relationships differently.

Of course, you will need to do this with no expectations and no pressure (and during the good times, not in person, during those few day intervals when you don't see eachother). I would present it something like "so and so was telling me about some self-growth study she was doing and sent me this page about attachment styles. I found it really interesting and I think we can use it to improve how we interact with each other." Not, "lets discuss this later."

if you must something like, "did you find yourself on there?" (he says yes), you say Me too. so based on that I'm going to work on (insert some behavior that benefits him like, "not double texting you"))

DA (w/ very slight FA) actively growing towards S

Post by naki on Dec 31, 2017 18:48:30 GMT

Post by Deleted on Jan 1, 2018 1:27:34 GMT

Post by naki on Jan 1, 2018 7:45:13 GMT

Post by Jaeger on Jan 1, 2018 12:20:35 GMT

Post by naki on Jan 1, 2018 12:30:46 GMT

Post by lucky on Jan 2, 2018 21:45:13 GMT