On Narcissism and Selfishness

I will share myself. It helps me heal and it is a reflection of the compassion for myself that i have been finally able to cultivate, after a lifetime of horrendous neglect and abuse. I am able to trust myself, I am able to cultivate trust with others, and i don’t mind sharing the process. Again, thank you for your welcoming posts.

trn9, understanding and having compassion for my parents has been tremendously healing for me.

As i delved into their life stories, their pain, and their inability to get what they needed as children themselves, I saw that they did the best they could and it was possible for me to understand, empathize, and draw on the STRENGTHS and positive attributes that they gave to me to heal myself and by so doing, help heal them. After all, i am the continuation of them. for better or worse. I chose to heal and transform but it takes courage to face it all. it’s very empowering also. Forgiveness is extremely liberating. That includes forgiveness of myself.

Now, when i face a challenge or a deep pain, i hold it out to my parents in my heart and i say, here is our pain, here is our suffering, how can we heal it? And it changes the focus from being a victim, to being a healer. of myself.

The point is not to over empathize and get lost in another’s pain- the point is to understand it and realize that we all are in this together, and we can help each other heal. that is why we are here. But it starts with tending to your own wounds.

A teacher of mine once said when your house is burning, you don’t first go to try to find the person who lit it and demand to know why they did it, and punish them.
You put out the fire. So it starts with understanding your own feelings, motivations, actions, beliefs.... and taking responsibility for them. You assess and take care of your own needs. It’s a tremendous process but it can be done a step at a time.

being able to sit with my pain, feel it and slow it, has allowed me to understand how to heal it.
and it makes me able to sit with another’s pain with kind of a sacred space, allowing them to be as they are without inserting my own agenda.
Of course i will always move to a solution. But first i have to recognize where the problem is. And it’s almost always in me. lol. but seriously.

I agree, curious.
My experience has been that as i learn to face my own emotional wounds that existed before i even met a partner, i become healthier in my relationships and have more to offer a partner.

I have begun to liberate myself from the dance and understand what healthy interaction looks and feels like, to me.

I believe that healthy relating starts with understanding and developing the capacity to take care of your own needs , so that you aren’t dependent upon someone else and can offer stability and acceptance of someone else. That goes for me as a DA, and for anyone else as an AP.
And everyone in between. Also, my “needs “ change as I become healthier. I become more able to compromise and have tolerance for things that used to trigger me, before i felt secure in myself. Things become less black and white.

Of course both people are important. That balance, I believe , comes when two individuals pursue their own health and well being and take personal responsibility for how they are showing up. There isn’t a bad guy in an AP/DA pairing. There isn’t a good guy. It’s a process and a pattern for both.

In the example you gave, If i was a person trying to build a relationship with someone who showed up once a month and didn’t communicate with me, I would have to ask myself why I am not choosing instead to build a relationship with a partner who could communicate and show up consistently. Why am I choosing an inappropriate partner? What unhealthy beliefs about myself would i be reinforcing by pursuing love from someone who can’t give it? As a DA i have had to ask myself these questions also. I sought love and acceptance all my life from a family that couldn’t give it. As an adult, It still comes down to what I choose and why. That’s the puzzle for each of us to figure out. What am I doing, and why? What could I do differently? What would I have to face if I let go? What do I have to face if I continue? These are good questions for anyone. Relating in a healthy way to yourself makes it possible to relate to another in a healthy way

The dysfunctional dance only continues as long as there are two dancers. no one is forced to stay and dance. The two parts compliment each other. When we know better, we do better. It’s a painful thing for everyone to try to find love and fail.

haha thank you curious.

It’s been a long and painful but very sincere process for me.

My relationship with an avoidant, which i recently ended, grew me the most. It was wrenching to ultimately have to say goodbye. We could have danced forever.

i was able to see him, understand him, love him, but i could not help him, heal him, fix him. He was in a different place in his process. Just beginning. Sometimes when we spoke it was like reading each other’s diaries. However, the pain of being with him (or trying to be) gradually outweighed the pain of letting go. I understand that aspect very well. I am brave now, when it comes to grief. I have experienced a lot.

On the thread title, I am very aware of the distinctions, but see the confusion and wanted to add my perspective as a very empathetic DA. I love DA’s, I understand them and my heart is huge for them. I am one.