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Post by yasmin on Jan 1, 2018 23:10:07 GMT
Quick question as I'm mulling over something my FA said to me today. I asked him if he could explain what he meant but he couldn't and he got a little anxious so I dropped it. I think he genuinely doesn't know.
He said hethinks I'm great / wonderful / loves being with me and loves physical contact or sexual contact with me, but he said "I want you so badly but if we are together I sometimes regret it".
We haven't had sex for a year ( my decision as I won't have full sex unless I'm in a committed relationship) but we do sometimes fool around / kiss etc.
Every time I see him I am practically fighting him off because his hands are all over me and he really wants to kiss and touch me etc.all the time but he says when he does he often regrets it and makes him feel confused and he gets home and thinks "why did I do that".
I'm trying to understand why this happens.
If he likes me and wants to touch me and then he does..why the regret? Is this related to avoidance?
My confusion is really why he's so desperate to touch me if he doesn't want to. I wondered if maybe it made him feel pressured or committed or guilty or something!
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Post by serene13 on Jan 2, 2018 6:15:39 GMT
I have experienced this. Though my FA/DA did not verbally express regret, I believe he felt frustration with his own loss of control. It was as if he was letting up on the control he has imposed on his life and to have someone be 'irresistible' to him, that took the control away. He wouldn't want to be in my presence for that reason.
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Post by yasmin on Jan 2, 2018 15:13:44 GMT
It's problematic to feel conflcited like this isn't it
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Post by Deleted on Jan 2, 2018 17:35:30 GMT
My confusion is really why he's so desperate to touch me if he doesn't want to. I wondered if maybe it made him feel pressured or committed or guilty or something! This is interesting to me. My ex also seemed to REALLY start to push me away after we had become more physical. I never thought of the control aspect of it as if they have an internal dialog that goes something like this: "I am in control of myself before I knew you, then you come along and I feel so out of control. Therefore, you must be causing me to feel out of control so you have to go." |
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Post by serene13 on Jan 2, 2018 19:46:46 GMT
It's problematic to feel conflcited like this isn't it It's certainly different than anything I've ever known. It's been at least several months since we've communicated - wish I could get him out of my head. |
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Post by Deleted on Jan 2, 2018 20:27:14 GMT
It's problematic to feel conflcited like this isn't it It's certainly different than anything I've ever known. It's been at least several months since we've communicated - wish I could get him out of my head. It's tough. "I don't know" is a frustrating. When I was younger, I would have reoccurring dreams that I was in high school again and had forgotten the combination to my locker. The dream made me very anxious and I was always so relieved when I woke up. This situation reminds me of that. Something precious is locked away and no one knows the combination that unlocks the door. I had spent almost a year trying to understand "why" I pestered my ex for an explanation and the answers I got were confusing to me, but it made me sad because I know it was just as much if not more confusing to him. He insisted I move on. And that is what I am trying to do. He said repeatedly that the issue was not me, that it was nothing that I had done. So that means whatever is the real issue, I can't change it. He has the combination, only he can unlock the secrets that live inside of him. The question is, do you sit around and wait for that to happen. The key for me, after almost a year of mourning, is to get busy. He's still the first thing on my mind when I wake up and the last thing on my mind when I fall asleep. I still find myself crying in my sleep from time to time, but things are getting easier little by little day by day. Grieve your loss fully, then re-focus your attention to your self. This is the only thing I've found to work. Now we know what emotionally unavailable looks and feels like first hand. It can be helpful moving forward. |
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