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Post by kristyrose on Jan 2, 2018 23:27:46 GMT
Hi Everyone,
First off, I hope you all are off to a great start this new year! I just returned back to work after a medical leave, so feeling pretty good about being back in the day to day.
I wanted to get some feedback and perspective regarding peoples experiences in communicating with their Avoidant partners; can come from anyone on the board, Avoidant perspective very welcome as I want to know more about how you like to receive information.
My ex and I are still seeing each other for the past 7 months despite his repeatedly pushing me away and coming back. At this point, I want to propose that we meet somewhere in the middle where we can both be happy.
For background:
He broke up with me in April 2017 stating we "fought too much"- I went NC for 40 days, he attempted contact a number of times until finally end of May I went to his house to talk. We have been spending time with each other since, not going more than a week without seeing each other and texting almost daily. We go maybe 1-2 days of no texts due to work schedules or me just giving him space. In early Dec he said we were not making a great enough effort to move on and that we need to do so without expecting sex or weekend hangouts anymore, but that he was not drawing any lines in the sand. Well, I believe that is a firm line in the sand after 7 months of carrying on a like a couple. So, at that time in early Dec I asked if we could talk about it, he refused saying I should already know his stance and that he didn't want to add a stressful talk to his week. I got angry, told him I was done and went NC for 10 days. Well, we ended up seeing each other after those 10 days and since then he has been even more loving, affectionate and yes, we are carrying on still very much like a couple. Going on dates, sleep overs, etc.
So now, I want to have a talk with him, but knowing how he fears confrontation and especially hates discussing our relationship, I'm at a loss as to how to approach him. In the past, I would ask in advance for a talk and meet him in person, but that was when we were a couple. I would also ask if i could send an email to air my grievances, he would agree and that seemed effective as well.
I want to know if he is willing to meet me halfway. I do not want anymore texts saying we should move on , or he wants space when his actions are the opposite. I want to work with his attachment style and mine (AP) and see if we can agree that we are together, however, our relationship does not need to be the way it once was. I acted out quite a bit in my AP tendencies, but I'm in therapy and have been doing EMDR so I see major differences in both how I act and how I feel. I've tried to move on, but when I do he always pursues and when we are together, we both just seem so much happier than when we play this game over and over.
I won't do any ultimatums, but I do think if we can't agree on how to move forward, I will need to stop all contact and do my best to move on.
Any help/suggestions are appreciated!
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Post by yasmin on Jan 4, 2018 0:07:06 GMT
I find with my FA that the best way to communicate is..
1. When he's in the right mood (requires patience)
2. Completely drama and emotion free as far as posdible.
3. Total honesty but phrased gently.
4. Concise...avoid long messages or emails.
Anything quite simple can be heard as a demand or a rejection with hin and anything too emotional or long causes anxiety and discomfort. I don't tread on eggshells at all though. I'm just considerate that too much emotional intensity makes him want to leave.
I've found over time once he really trusted me and saw me as a safe space that he just changed because he wanted to.
He knew I wasn't going to cry or manipulate or issue demands or walk away or judge him or make it so that his behaviour determined my happiness. He started to feel safe to talk to me and then it became a lot easier. He wants me to be happy / feel good so given the space and time he kind of learned all by himself.
He likes a that I have boundaries. He needs those from me because they're healthy for both of us so plesse don't be afraid to say he can't have girlfriend benefits anymore. He won't walk away..he'll just take his time and think it over and learn from it.
If you can not take his behavior personally then youll relax and feel happier and that will make it easier.
Yes very lucky to have You!! I think just don't be so afraid of saying the wrong thing because when you're dismissing your own feelings to tread on eggshells for his then you're making yourself sad / suffering.
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 5, 2018 19:27:36 GMT
Hi Yasmin,
Thanks so much for you feedback.
Your breakdown is pretty spot on to how my ex likes to communicate. I think he fears talks with me now because last summer I would cry and ask him what are we doing, and we would argue and he would get frustrated and shut down. We really triggered each other, so I want to avoid that as much as possible.
I typed out a concise email and stuck to the facts and proposed the question of us exploring where we are at today, and see how/if we can both feel happy in it going forward. I want him to feel like he is a part of the next steps in our relationship versus me telling him what I need or else-
He has been sending me a lot of texts since last weekend and we went to a movie last night. I cautiously brought up the weekend, and said to him that there is absolutely no pressure, but would like to see him saturday, he agreed and so we will touch base tomorrow. I want to let him know that I have some things on my mind I need to discuss, and will ask him if an email first to give him time to process would be helpful, then a talk, or if he is OK with a talk this weekend. Even last night he was a bit skittish just talking about the weekend, so I do need to tread lightly, but also I do need to find out if we can move forward together.
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Post by yasmin on Jan 5, 2018 21:11:55 GMT
That all sounds great Kristy. Don't be afraid to communicate, you're such a lovely kind of person I am sure you can speak in a way that's patient and non accusatory and hopefully you will get some movement. Fingers are crossed for you.
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 5, 2018 21:24:07 GMT
Yasmin,
Can't tell you how many times your posts make me well up. The support you give is so greatly appreciated, I cannot tell you enough. I am sending you a big cyber hug! You a very kind, compassionate and strong person!
How are things with your ex going? How have you been feeling?
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Post by yasmin on Jan 5, 2018 21:46:23 GMT
Oh you are very welcome! I know how you feel, it's very hard! You've gotta be true to yourself though and in doing that I think he will also feel relief. I think if he cares about you he will want to know that you are okay, that he is okay and maybe it's possible to move forward to a more secure space for both of you. It is not always possible, sometimes you put up a fight and you lose of course but you're trying your best in a situation that's really hard for you.
I feel better. Partly because I realised I am avoidant. Ha ha! I did the online test from Web Research and it says I am securely attached to friends, securely attached to my mother, dismissively attached to my father (only slightly) and fearful avoidant in romantic relationships (again only a little) but that's been good as I have pulled focus back onto myself and am thinking of ways I can reduce that and earn a more secure attachment style to romantic partners in general and therefore feel more carefree in that area of my life.
With my FA ex, I don't want to jump the gun here and say everything is perfect because we are a long way off and it's going to be a journey, but what I will say is that we are making steps forward and I feel the journey has started. At the moment, he is being very different with me to how he has ever been. The main difference is his walls have come down. He's not defensive, not hot and cold, not evasive, not confusing and every action and every word shows he wants me to be happy and I am aware how hard it was for him to move to that space so I appreciate it. He still feels the need to call us "friends" but we had a pretty good conversation about that and what I think became clear as we had that conversation is that (1) He doesn't want to lose me and he thinks the "friends" title somehow makes that less likely (2) He realises he has only ever had sexual relationships without emotional intimacy and he is actually trying to change that by investing in something with me that's different. We agreed on some boundaries that "friends" includes us dating, day by day and no sex.
Part of me is obviously not happy with that (who wants to be called a friend by someone they're dating) but the other part of me is seeing massive changes in his behavior here where he's trying hard with something he's finding difficult and is actually owning the fact that he has problems with relationships and making an effort to form a relationship with me (of whatever kind) that is actually securely attached. Which I think is what we are nurturing here.
I don't know if this relationship will work out, but the friendship element is definitely moving in a very positive direction and it's healing for me. He's called a lot of my issues into the light, and avoidance aside this guy is just so sweet, so loving, so genuine that I have to find a way to take that at face value and not feel the need to demand things of him just to make myself feel so secure. It's a balancing act of accepting him as he is, but also respecting myself. A hard line to walk but I am going to try my best for now
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 8, 2018 18:08:28 GMT
I don't know if this relationship will work out, but the friendship element is definitely moving in a very positive direction and it's healing for me. He's called a lot of my issues into the light, and avoidance aside this guy is just so sweet, so loving, so genuine that I have to find a way to take that at face value and not feel the need to demand things of him just to make myself feel so secure. It's a balancing act of accepting him as he is, but also respecting myself. A hard line to walk but I am going to try my best for now Hi Yasmin, I really like what you said here. I admire how patient and caring you are with this man. He is very lucky to have you in his life and he sounds like a great person. We know how hard it is to look inward and face ourselves, I have so much respect for those who can and do. I spent the weekend again with my ex, and I just didn't find the words or time to talk to him. I'm letting the fear of losing him be the driver, when it's become so obvious, maybe perhaps even to him, that we both enjoy being with each other and continue to make the effort to do so. I may ask for a talk this week, don't think I can wait anymore, but it will just be to see if he wants to discuss where we are at. I hope he is as open as your guy. I think what you both are doing sounds very healthy! I am rooting for you as well! |
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Post by yasmin on Jan 8, 2018 18:33:59 GMT
Ha ha, well we had a great date yesterday and then he messaged me this morning to remind me that we were just friends  It's a lovely relationship we have, and me getting control of my anxiety and avoidance has helped a lot but ultimately this person isn't ready and I don't think anything I do or say can change that because he's just not ready. |
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 8, 2018 18:46:07 GMT
I almost feel the same about my ex. Despite wanting to have a talk with him just to figure out where we are at, I obviously want to avoid it because I think he will just say we are broken up still and friends and thats final.
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Post by Jaeger on Jan 8, 2018 19:32:56 GMT
E-mail works quite well for me  Seriously though, I think it's important that for all the confidence avoidants tend to project, it's important to realize that low self-esteem is prevalent in this attachment style and to adjust our communication accordingly. |
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Post by Jaeger on Jan 8, 2018 19:35:10 GMT
I almost feel the same about my ex. Despite wanting to have a talk with him just to figure out where we are at, I obviously want to avoid it because I think he will just say we are broken up still and friends and thats final. Don't you also get a say in 'where you're at'? |
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 8, 2018 21:01:23 GMT
Hi Jaeger,
I think email works well for him too. I usually will let him know I have some things on my mind and need to talk and offer to send a email beforehand so he doesn't feel caught off guard. I know he gets very nervous and uneasy when it comes to any kind of confrontation, so I go slowly.
What causes me to be so hesitant, is that he will replay the same dialogue about how there is a reason he broke up with me and that he will not change his mind and doesn't do that, but his actions show the opposite. Whats prompting all of this is a text he sent in early Dec. He said we both need to move on more, that he feels stuck and is unhappy on some level; I asked if we could talk, he said about what and that I should already know all of this and that he was too busy to add a stressful conversation to his week. I told him I was done and we didn't speak for 10 days. One night I started to send him a text, then instead of deleting it, I hit send and then had to send him another text the next morning explaining it was a mistake- i also said I wasn't intentionally avoiding him, just didn't know what to say. He texted me that night asking to come over and we have been practically inseparable since.
So, when I thought it was actually over for good, he comes back full force. We have together 2.5 years but "broken up" since April 2017.
Just wanted to give you the full context.
But you are right, I should be able to state where I'm at. I'm just afraid I will lose him in doing so...
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Post by tnr9 on Jan 8, 2018 22:00:50 GMT
Hi Jaeger, I think email works well for him too. I usually will let him know I have some things on my mind and need to talk and offer to send a email beforehand so he doesn't feel caught off guard. I know he gets very nervous and uneasy when it comes to any kind of confrontation, so I go slowly. What causes me to be so hesitant, is that he will replay the same dialogue about how there is a reason he broke up with me and that he will not change his mind and doesn't do that, but his actions show the opposite. Whats prompting all of this is a text he sent in early Dec. He said we both need to move on more, that he feels stuck and is unhappy on some level; I asked if we could talk, he said about what and that I should already know all of this and that he was too busy to add a stressful conversation to his week. I told him I was done and we didn't speak for 10 days. One night I started to send him a text, then instead of deleting it, I hit send and then had to send him another text the next morning explaining it was a mistake- i also said I wasn't intentionally avoiding him, just didn't know what to say. He texted me that night asking to come over and we have been practically inseparable since. So, when I thought it was actually over for good, he comes back full force. We have together 2.5 years but "broken up" since April 2017. Just wanted to give you the full context. But you are right, I should be able to state where I'm at. I'm just afraid I will lose him in doing so... Hey Kristyrose...I understand what you are saying....but I also think what works for him isn't working so much for you as it sounds like you are in a quasi relationship space without being able to call it that. It doesn't sound like he wants to lose you either..but you both should have an opportunity to define the "friendship" if that is what both of you really want. I hope it all works out. |
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 8, 2018 23:46:43 GMT
Thank you, tnr9!
It feels like a quasi relationship and right now I feel like there is nothing even remotely firm to stand on. Feeling anxious just thinking about it.
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Post by kristyrose on Jan 9, 2018 0:59:10 GMT
Ok everyone, I sent the initial text to him asking if we can chat soon, he said sure and then follow up with- if its quick, can do now? I said I didn't want to be rushed, so he told me to let him know when a good day is. That's a good small step because I thought he may panic and start asking why- fingers crossed...
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