For those working towards secure

As a AP/Closer to secure now this thread is very eye opening into how DAs see things and I love reading them because it helps me understand so much. The one thing that stands out to me SO much though which was such a mystery to my though with my last partner is the following. (This is directed to Mary and TGAT). When I read through your experience and everything you've both written it is parallel to my ex DAs mentality and I can't understand the following: When talking about your relationship with your partner it seems that the "pros and cons" and everything else are about "being in a relationship/having a boyfriend" etc. It seems like it is never about the actual feelings you have towards the person you are dating. But more about the logistical reasons for a relationship or about being in the relationship itself.

My ex DA would say things about being uncomfortable with "a relationship" etc, it was never about "I want to be with this person (me) because I love them and want to have them as a big part of sharing experiences and life with." I think that is how secure or APs feel when we choose we want to get serious with someone. Our mentality is "I like this person and want to make a commitment to them because they are such an amazing and special person and I want to get closer and have an amazing partnership with them to share experiences and grow with one another." Do you not see or truly "feel" the same way? Is it more of and agreement for you about "having a boyfriend or partner?" For us it is never about that but choosing to get closer with someone because we feel like they are the right person to get closer to and to bond with. It's about how I emotionally feel about them, not about the fact that they give me enough space or that the relationship works in a logical manner. It's an emotional reason, and emotional only. Certainly logic comes into play only when we see that our partner may not be good for us.