For those working towards secure

Thank you yasmin, i agree and had already considered the tone of the titles and i saw  it thensame way you did.
they are using this site to reinforce their dysfunction.
it’s an infected environment.
i hope to create a better one elsewhere.
Thanks again!

Well yes...this is a quote from the website...

"Don’t waste your time and feelings on someone who will never be a good partner. My book, Bad Boyfriends: Using Attachment Theory to Avoid Mr. (or Ms.) Wrong and Make You a Better Partner, will save you a lot of time and heartache by teaching you to identify and avoid, or quickly break off from, the losers and broken ones that can never be loyal and loving partners"

I understand a lot of this is sensational marketing spiel (on the lines of your thread titles ) and it sells books to angry people who've been hurt and rejected but it kind of also sets the tone for making it acceptable to demonise.

I'll be honest here...the first time the FA I was dating ghosted me or acted cold I definitely thought he was a jerk and demonised him. Understanding WHY he did that was a journey for me, and in understanding I found acceptance and stopped being angry and blaming him and started being able to relate to him in a way that worked for us both. So I guess even though the journey sometimes starts off in the wrong place (he's such a jerk!!) there is actually a path to something better (he's actually not a jerk!!) for people who persevere.

This is really why I hope people like yourself stay, but I completely understand that everyone has different needs and if you're looking for a safe place to confer and share with people who understand you then I totally get these boards are tricky for that. There is always going to be an influx of new members who are hurting / angry and not educated on it all and unfortunately the ones who have worked it out and healed will often move on.

Hi all, I'm new here and have spent the past few weeks obsessively reading about attachment styles. I'm 27F DA in a 7 year relationship (not married) with 28M who I suspect is AP, and am having serious doubts about our compatibility. All of the previous behavior mentioned in this thread rings true for me: excessive personal space requirements, shutting down in response to intimacy, becoming increasingly annoyed and cold as my partner pushes harder to try to achieve closeness, assessing my relationship in emotionally distant terms, etc.

For the first 4 years of our relationship my partner and I only saw each other on the weekends, which had the same effect as a LDR. We moved in together 3 years ago and I believe I've been living in a "triggered" state ever since, which manifested as completely shutting down to all emotions and simply existing. I started ghosting all of my friends when we moved in together and ceased personal communication with everyone except my partner, who didn't respond in a way that worked for me to my (admittedly clumsy and superficial) attempts to connect emotionally, which drove me further into the avoidance spiral and I just withdrew more into myself. I believe I got "stuck" in this state for so long due to a combination of my avoidant tendencies and depression.

A few months ago I experienced a drastic perspective shift when I opened up to the friends I had cut off. They were shocked to hear what my relationship is like behind the curtain; they unanimously said it sounded more like a convenient roommate situation than a romantic relationship. Opening up to them in that way reminded me that I do desire emotional closeness in my relationships (perhaps I have some FA elements) but my behavior is counter-productive to that goal. I'm just beginning to integrate this into my self-awareness and realize I need to work toward becoming secure to achieve what I want.

My partner and I are both very emotionally unavailable and I believe our relationship is codependent, but I also feel a sense of paralysis about moving forward knowing that dismantling our life together after all this time would cause him so much pain. However, reading all the AP posts on the DA forums made me realize my avoidant behavior causes him pain now, even though we seem to be unable to communicate these feelings to each other. I'm in the process of scheduling a session with a therapist for the first time which is a big step for me, and have decided not to make any life-altering decisions until that point.

Thank you for posting your experiences, which I've read extensively on this forum and the main DA forum. Hope we can all continue this conversation despite the detours in this thread as I find it incredibly helpful.

Edit: this was more of an intro than an answer to the question in the OP, my bad. From what I've observed so far, the hardest thing has been communicating my avoidant feelings in the moment they're happening, specifically when my partner is pushing for closeness and I'm very shut down and need more space. My knee-jerk reaction is to withdraw further into silence. It feels very dissociative, like an out-of-body experience.

I feel exactly the same about my home being a sanctuary!!! I have decorated it in ways that both calm my senses and express my personality.
Inviting someone at home is an intimate gift that, now that I am healthy, I am very willing to share with those I have known and liked for a while.

Mary,
You could take some pictures of cafe's, restaurants and houses where you feel at ease and at home. Try to find out what they have in common.
Or browse through the interiors on apartment therapy and safe the ones you like into a folder.
If you can find underlying patterns, you have guidelines in what pleases you.
Try to visualise your ideal sanctuary and how you would feel there.
Then see what you need to change to get closer to that.
Getting rid of clutter can also make your space calmer.